"Well" Balthazar said staring up at him as he walked over and sat down on the opposite seat.
"I…I don't know how to start" Castiel said wringing his hands together. "I am the worst boyfriend, fiancé, and even human if you wanted because I hurt the ones I love"
"What are you talking about?"
"I lied about being friends with Dean; I'm more than friends with him and I've…I've been…" he said trailing off looking down at his hand.
Balthazar raised his eyes to the ceiling and nodded more to himself. "You've been fucking him behind my back"
"I'm so, so, sorry" Castiel pleaded with him.
"No you're not" Balthazar replied shaking his head.
"Yes I am"
"No, Castiel, you're not because you wouldn't have fucked him and you wouldn't be here now nearly in tears" Balthazar snapped. "I knew something was wrong, I knew you were hiding something and this is it. You fucking your ex like a little whore"
"It just happened…"
"How did it happen?"
"We…we were just arguing and it happened"
"What were you arguing about?"
"Does it…"
"Don't you dare say does it really matter" Balthazar hissed scaring Castiel who looked away.
"Ever since I met him at opening night I've been in conflict over my feelings for him and you, he was making me feel all over again and I was beginning to feel what I felt in the beginning when I first fell in love with him but then there was you and I loved you as well. It was messing with my head and Dean just wouldn't stop…so I confronted him and what should have been an argument led to sex" Castiel said staring at the wallpaper. "I couldn't help myself and we continued afterwards"
Balthazar stared at the side of his face and moved away with a scoff.
"Couldn't keep those legs close for one minute could you? You fucked me then you fucked me for afters didn't you?"
"No, no, I didn't" Castiel protested shaking his head.
"You're a liar" he shouted turning towards him. "How could you?"
"I wasn't thinking and it just happened, Balthazar, but I can't regret it!"
"You can't regret it? You're supposed to love me, you're supposed to be engaged and marrying me, you dick" Balthazar shouted back at him unable to control his anger. "You slept in that bed beside me reeking of him didn't you? Oh…"
Balthazar stopped when realisation hit him and laughed astonished. "The beach…that new smell was him wasn't it?"
"Yes" Castiel nodded looking down at his lap.
"You have no respect for me at all do you?"
Castiel stayed quiet staring down at his hands.
"You're supposed to love me…"
"I do love you!"
"Bullshit!" Balthazar yelled at him. "Don't you dare start lying to me now after all these weeks of lying to my face! We're supposed to be a couple, an engaged couple, and you do this?"
"I'm sorry"
"No" Balthazar said moving towards him causing Castiel to panic and move back till he hit the wall. Balthazar found the engagement ring tugging it hard so the string gave way.
"I don't think you'll need this anymore, do you?" Balthazar said throwing it away so it hit the floor with a dull thud. Castiel blinked tears filling his vision.
"I am so sorry, I will never be able to make amends for this and I know I've hurt you"
"Hurt me? Cas, you've broken my heart" Balthazar said softly shaking his head in disbelief. "Is that what you do best?
"No, I just want to do the right thing" Castiel said pained rubbing the sore spot on his neck. "I have been dodging this for weeks and I know I've hurt you and I know I've hurt Dean but I want to make amends for the wrong in my life and this is the start. I am sorry, Balthazar, I am so, so, sorry for what I have done to you but I had my own epiphany over these past few days and I can't marry you with this between us"
"So making amends for all the wrong in your life is fucking another guy, no, sorry, the same guy you hurt over and over again?"
Castiel looked away from his blazing eyes and sniffed hard feeling his tears blur.
"Did you truly want to marry me?" Castiel said looking up at him.
Balthazar looked at him and laughed raking a hand into his hair moving away.
"No, no of course not, I just proposed as a laugh, a good old joke! I didn't push the wedding forward for you because I want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together no I did it because I wanted to laugh" Balthazar said sarcastically pouring a drink.
Castiel looked down at the floor eyes closing in despair.
"Of course I wanted to marry you, you silly little fool, I wanted to settle down with you and no longer be that bachelor my friends call me" Balthazar murmured staring down at the dark brown liquid and knocking it back. "I guess while I was thinking of that you were thinking of the perfect place to fuck your other man"
"Dean ended this time and I was fully prepared to settle down and marry you…but I couldn't…I couldn't look and touch you with this between us because it's dishonesty and even though I love you I can't be with you like that"
"Are you in love with him?"
"Yes" Castiel said with a nod.
Balthazar stared at him with hurt eyes and nodded pursuing his lips. "We're over, Castiel, I think we were over the moment you spread your legs for him like a slut and afterwards when you drifted away from me, you lied to my face, you broke my heart, and you took the love I have…had for you and ripped it in to shreds. I really hope you and Dean are very happy together or…not because you don't deserve either of us, darling, so you can leave now and return to your other little whore"
"Balthazar…"
"Get out before I make you leave" Balthazar hissed coldly.
Castiel struggled for a long moment and wiped his wet face moving towards the door.
"It probably doesn't mean anything now but I do love you…I just, he's my first love and you never forget them or even fall out of love with them because they were the ones to first teach you about love and how to feel it. I chucked him away and I shouldn't have but when I did I met you…I was fully prepared to marry you, Balthazar, and I'm sorry for everything"
"You're right" Balthazar said looking down at the empty glass. "You never forget your first love and guess what, sweetheart, you were mine"
Castiel gaped at him startled hand hovering over the door handle.
"Now get out"
Balthazar heard the click of the door as he walked out. His eyes blurred and he turned launching the glass at the door watching it smash into little pieces and the betrayal coursing in his veins. The tears in his own eyes blurred streaking out of his eyes and he rubbed them furiously grabbing the bottle and ripping the top off knocking it back. The burn was satisfying for now as his whole world fell apart around him.
~0~0~0~
Dean had left the party leaving behind a very drunk Jo and an equally drunk Sam to enjoy the rest of her birthday party. He walked over to the window staring out at the darkness and the building of grey black clouds building up.
"Rain" Dean muttered trailing his finger down the window and looking down at Bones whining at his feet. "It's okay, Bones, it's just rain"
Dean didn't know how to feel about the fact that Castiel was ending it with Balthazar but knew it was probably the best for Castiel not for him.
"Come on, let's go bed" Dean said ruffling the top of his fur and moving to take him into the back door when the door went. Dean stiffened staring at the door and moved taking Bones to his room shutting him in and turning back to the door.
"Hello, Dean"
"Hey, Cas" Dean said stepping back to let him in. Castiel looked around the familiar house and smirked softly. It hadn't changed one little bit.
"It's over" Castiel said turning back to Dean who stepped in facing him. "I told him everything and he ended it"
"Okay, good, he deserved to know" Dean said with a shrug. "Can I help you with anything?"
"Dean, I want you" Castiel said moving towards him and stopping when Dean moved back.
"You know what the wonderful thing about having time apart from you is that I was able to think, really think, and think about the whole six years apart" Dean said looking at him and closing his eyes. "Did you really think you'd come here and I'd welcome you back with open arms? Our little fling was my moment of weakness for you"
"I didn't expect anything but I want you because I should have never let you go, you made me realise how much I love you, Dean, I forgot, okay? I forgot over the years how I really felt but it was always there and I've done the right thing"
"Yeah, yeah you have but that doesn't mean I'm going to take you back like nothing has happened! The world isn't sunshine and roses, Cas, and you've hurt me over and over again and I still don't know why I'm sticking around for you! Look at what you've done to us all"
"I know this is my entire fault but I…"
"But what?"
"I just want everything to be okay" Castiel whispered with pain laced into his voice.
"You're such a child, Cas, you just want everything your way and everything to bend into your way so everything is happy and rosy" Dean exclaimed turning his back on him. "I've already told you how I was when you ended it for the last time and I am so sick of explaining myself, looking at the past and at you not knowing why I still love you"
Castiel inhaled moving forward spinning him around.
"Let me make it up to you"
"What like a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates?"
"No, Dean, stop being difficult"
"Stop being difficult" Dean said astonished pushing him away and laughing. "You're actually being serious"
"I want to make amends!" he cried watching him walk away from him.
"You can't, Cas!" Dean yelled at him. "You just…you can't"
Dean clenched his hands together tightly and unfolded them slowly.
"I remember seeing you for the first time in that high school and you were a skinny mop of hair reading a tatty comic book all on your own and I knew…I knew I wanted you as my friend and you were being bullied by that Az who I knocked down with a few words and you adored me" Dean said with a faint amused smile. "I loved it, I loved that you adored me of all people and we were thick as thieves. I had the best, best friend ever because you stuck by my side through everything and we were nicked two peas in a pod by your mom…I got the friend who played video games, had long debates with me about who would win in a fight, The Hulk or Spiderman, and I always won"
Dean laughed shaking his head staring at the window which was starting to show signs of the approaching rainfall.
"Then we grew up and I found girls, you didn't, and now I know why but I didn't realise for one second you liked me like that and you stood by and watched. I couldn't believe it when you told you told me on the hill you liked me and then you kissed me… and I admit I hadn't thought about you like that but when you kissed me and my drunken feelings erupted for you. It was only when I woke up the next day I realised what I had done, why I had these shiny new feelings for my best friend that wouldn't fade and…I was happy" Dean said softly seeing Castiel out of the corner of his eye unmoving and silent.
"It was the years together that drove me to fall so in love with you and I was so proud of the boyfriend that painted art so well and when you told me about the university…I panicked and I was terrified but I knew I had to let you go because you were so excited about all these possibilities and Sam told me over and over again we would be okay"
"You moved away and I was left all alone, I had no one, I had friends but they weren't you, they didn't listen and talk back like you did so I did the only thing I could. I called you, I text you, I emailed when I could because I wanted so badly to be with you and I couldn't" Dean said tears filling his eyes which he rolled in defeat. "You answered every single time, Cas, and you missed me just as much as I missed you and then the week came, the last week you came down to see me and god…seeing your face was like stealing the sunshine out of the sky for one whole week. I got to kiss you and I fucking loved it every single time because months of waiting is not fun"
"Then you left and I was heartbroken all over again because I had no idea when I would see you again and once again, Sam told me to wait until the next time…but I didn't get one. You didn't call me back and I called you but you ignored me over and over again. I freaked, Cas, I freaked out because I didn't know where you were and I had to leave to see Eve who told me you were fine and dandy" Dean carried on bitterly. "I pushed it off that you were busy and had no time for me yet but it continued and continued till I was left waiting for you to call me back. I called you and another guy picked up, some stoner who told me you were wrapped up in another guys arms and I had no idea who it was and…well you know the rest"
"I had nothing to go on! I had my boyfriend hundreds of miles away ignoring my calls and I was left here…I worked, I drank, I attempted to spend time with other people, and I sat on that hill doing nothing but staring at the sun wondering what I had done wrong"
Castiel cried softly hearing the pain in Dean's words.
"I was just a stupid teenager who had fallen way too hard for someone so far and then I got that letter…I hated you so much for writing it and when you ended it…I could have killed you if you were in front of me. How could you have ended it, Cas? I would have waited for you and I didn't care if my life was on standstill because I didn't have one to begin with. Six weeks…six weeks of self-pity, self-loathing, and blaming myself for something you did and then there was the guy, I can't even remember his name, and we fucked because I was drunk, horny, and I wanted you."
"Then you called and talk about bad timing, Cas, you wanted to sort things out and I ruined it, I did, I shouldn't have but it wasn't wrong of me. You ended it completely and I was broken, Cas, I guess I seriously hoped we would get back together and then you changed your number and that was that. You were gone, I couldn't even go and see you to make it up and talk it through with you. Five years flew by and I grew up but you were always at the back of my mind, you were always in my stupid dreams in your teenage years because I didn't know how much you changed and I loved you so much it was painful" Dean said letting out a deep sigh.
"I dated women and men, I admit to that and I could of course but they weren't you…how sad is that? If I let you go completely I could be in a relationship, married, or even have a kid but I clung on to you and I had no idea where you even were, Cas, how pathetic and stupid is that? Then you came back and I didn't want to see you…you were gone and even though I still loved you I didn't want to bring that pain back up again"
"Then Sam and Jo happened" Castiel whispered.
"Yeah…yeah they happened and I was thrust into your life and you into my mine. I fell in love with you again and look what happened! I fell in love with an engaged man" Dean said chuckling. "You clearly didn't feel the same way about me and you moved on happily but that was my mistake…I shouldn't have held onto something dead for so long"
"I…I didn't know all of that, Dean, and I am so, so, sorry and nothing I can ever say can do anything to take all of that back. I don't think you're pathetic or sad and yes I moved on because I forgot all about how I felt for you" Castiel said wiping his wet cheek and letting out a pained sound. "I just want to make it up to you every single day because that's what time is for"
Dean looked over to him with hard eyes. "No, you can make it up to me without me there"
"Dean, please…"
"You seriously think I'm just going to take you back" Dean whispered. "Have I just said all that for nothing! You need to think, seriously think, about what you really want, Cas, because your other relationship just ended… Cas, how can I trust that you just won't get bored and end it when you're scared?"
"I won't" he pleaded.
"I can't trust that and I think you need to leave"
Castiel crumbled looking down at the floor and pressed a shaky hand to his mouth. "I can't lose you too"
"Welcome to my world, Cas, you're getting a little of how I felt all those years ago" Dean said moving to the door and opening it up. The rain hammered down outside and he waited patiently for Castiel to come over and look out.
"I have nowhere to go"
"That's not my problem"
"You gave me a little hope before"
"I know, my mistake I guess" Dean replied avoiding his eye contact.
Castiel exhaled nodding and moving past him stopping near the entrance.
"I'm sorry for what I did but like you I was just a teenager, I was scared and I didn't want you lingering forever. I love you and I always have, I was the first remember" Castiel said softly stepping out and walking out into the rain.
Dean shut the door leaning against the wall and let his head fall back against it. Castiel stared up at the rain feeling his dream come true. He had lost Balthazar to lies and deceit and lost Dean to lies, heartbreak, and a troubled broken past. Castiel walked down the road feeling the rain soak into his skin till he ended up outside his mother's.
Eve opened the door sleepy and confused to see Castiel.
"Tell me I still have you" he whispered.
"You have me, darling" Eve whispered pulling him into her arms and holding him close when he broke down sobbing into her shoulder.
It was a mess now but there is always a solution.
A/N: This was a pain in the ass to write! I wanted Dean's whole perspective on it and for Castiel to feel everything he had done. It's not sunshine and roses, it's like a soap drama. Ahaha.
It's so depressing, I am so sorry. I'm hoping for a happy ending.