Eve stepped in the living area to see Castiel on the couch up and awake staring at nothing.
"You're up early"
"I couldn't sleep" he murmured looking up when she handed him a cup of black coffee. "I kept thinking about what they said to me"
"You're in a whole lot of mess" she agreed sitting down next to him stroking a hand into his hair. "But you know the good thing about messy situations?"
"No"
"They can always be fixed" she said softly. "If you want to be with Dean then you have to fix it, Castiel, it's the only way"
"It can't be fixed, mom, he won't take me back…not after what I did"
"That was six years ago, sweetheart, everything is fixable"
"Not everything and not this"
Eve sighed removing her hand and standing up to get Luke.
"That is the talk of someone who has given up completely and not the talk of someone who is willing to do whatever they can to get back the one they love!" Eve said with a shake of her curls and walked out to get Luke out of his crib.
Castiel looked down at his lap feeling uncomfortable in damp clothes and knew he would have to return to the apartments to get his clothes and personal items. He turned his head when Eve came in walking Luke with two hands. His smile and giggles were infectious as Castiel smiled for the first time at him.
"Cas!" Anna cried running in and dropping down next to him. "I'm glad you're here"
"At least someone is" he murmured hugging her tight and letting her go. "I hear you have a boyfriend"
"Yeah" she said blushing. "Yesterday we held hands and got ice-cream"
"That sounds nice, is he a nice boy?"
"Yeah!" she said with a nod snatching the remote control and snapping through the channels.
"Can I get a shower and is it possible…"
"Yes and Jeff left clothes behind before he left" she said with a sad shine in her eyes. "They should fit you"
"Thanks, mom" he said with a smile walking upstairs and running the shower hot. The spray was amazing on his sore shoulders and back but it also gave him time to think, really think, about what he wanted and how he was going to sort it out but he honestly had no idea. How could he fix something that happened so many years ago?
Castiel leaned his head against the cold tiles feeling numb even with the hot spray. His hand involuntarily moved up switching it off and he stepped out dressing and drying.
"You're going back to the apartment?" Eve said with a raised eyebrow. "Do you think that's for the best?"
"Yes, he'll be at work and I have to get clothes and all my personal belongings" Castiel said with a sigh grabbing his keys and pecking her cheek. "I'll be back later on"
"Okay" she replied softly watching him wave his fingers at Luke and Anna before leaving.
Castiel set off towards the apartments praying he wasn't in after all. The door opened to reveal no one and the smell of whiskey in the air. He wrinkled his nose in disgust moving towards the bedroom to see it not slept in and sighed deeply. Castiel pulled out the suitcase shoving his clothes in it and looked under the bed taking out the black locked box. It contained everything he had with Dean and carried it everywhere. It was locked for protection and to make sure Balthazar never saw it or tried to have it thrown away.
Castiel was all packed and collected his car keys this time and went to drag it out when the front door opened and he stared at a blood shot Balthazar.
"What are you doing here?" he rasped and threw his keys on the side.
"I came to collect my things and to tell you that I'm staying here till the art gallery ends, I'm then flying back to Colorado to collect the stuff from the house and I'll be gone"
Balthazar narrowed his eyes at him and nodded. "Sure, you'll want to move in and live with your whore now"
"He's not a whore and we're not together"
"Turned you down?" Balthazar replied with a cruel smirk.
"Yes" Castiel said looking down at his suitcase. "I hurt him too much"
"Good! You don't deserve him, you don't deserve me, and you don't deserve happiness" Balthazar responded with a laugh. "I mean look at you, look around you, Cassy, you're whole world is falling around you and the only thing you are going to have left is a family stuck with you and your paintings"
Castiel looked away from him hurt by his comments.
"Are you going to tell the management to drop me?"
Balthazar rolled his eyes looking away. "No, you're an amazing artist and I'm sure you're go on to better things than them lot"
"They have been amazing"
"It'll turn sour" Balthazar said with a chuckle.
Castiel gave a faint smile looking down at the floor. Balthazar sighed deeply looking over to him once again.
"You're such an ass"
"I know"
"I hate you right now"
"I hate myself" Castiel replied not meeting his eye contact.
"Good" Balthazar responded and walked over handing him his credit cards. "Don't blow it all on candy"
"I won't" Castiel said softly taking them off his hands and pocketing them.
Balthazar looked over him one last time before turning away and back to his bottle.
"I want you to be happy"
"Sure you do"
"I do! I don't want you to drink your troubles away"
"Oh don't worry, I won't. I'm leaving tonight"
"Colorado?"
"Japan" Balthazar replied sipping his whiskey. "I have business there"
"Oh" Castiel said with a nod gripping the handle tight and moving towards the door. "Keep safe and trust no one over there"
"I won't"
Castiel opened his mouth to speak again but thought best and turned away opening the front door and leaving forever. He sat in the car feeling an ache pang in his chest for what he had and what he lost but it was for the best, it was always for the best.
His route took him back to his mothers and outside of the Singer household.
Dean was stood in the kitchen listening to Jo's retching upstairs and the television from the living room from Bobby and Ellen sat in there.
"I feel like death warmed up" Sam said collapsing against Dean's back. Dean smirked amused looking over his shoulder towards him.
"Serves you right, gigantor, you inhaled those shots last night"
"It was a good night, why did you leave?"
"I had a talk with Cas"
"Oh yeah" he breathed moving off his back and standing next to him. "What happened?"
"I told him everything and I told him to get out"
"What?"
"Oh don't you dare start, Sam, this was my decision and my decision only. I wasn't about to welcome him back in with open arms" Dean said stubbornly throwing the dishrag down.
Sam kept his mouth shut and simply looked over to him. "You sure you're not going to regret this?"
"Maybe when I'm eighty and I think…oh remember the guy I loved" Dean said sarcastically.
"Dean…"
"Leave me alone, Sam" Dean muttered moving away and attempting to walk upstairs when the door went. Castiel stood at the doorstep staring at Dean who rolled his eyes at him.
"What do you want?" Dean said leaning against the doorframe.
"Can I come in?"
"I don't think that's a good idea"
"Okay, can you come out here?"
"Fine" Dean snapped shutting the door behind him.
Castiel indicated his head over to the car so Dean would follow him over and they stepped inside. Dean sighed folding his arms leaning into the seat.
"Why am I here?"
"I wanted to show that I never forgot you, not for one second" he said handing over the black locked box. "I took this everywhere with me even when I was with Balthazar"
Dean flicked his eyes over to him opening it up and staring at the contents shocked. His hand moved inside picking out the photo of the two of them in the photo booth and he smiled.
"I remember this" he murmured looking over the two of them laughing and messing around in the first three, the fourth of them falling and the empty one at the end. "I had a huge bruise on my ribs from when you landed on top of me"
"I remember it too, I laughed so much and it was so much fun" Castiel said with a small smile.
Dean placed it down and moved the contents around with a frown.
"There's just one thing missing" he said looking over to him with hard furious eyes. "The amulet"
"You mean this amulet?" Castiel said softly bringing it out of his t-shirt.
Dean stared at the faded gold of the head and up to Castiel in awe. Castiel smiled back at him stroking his thumb over it and letting it fall against his chest.
"I never lost it, I kept it safe with me at all times, Dean, and I used to wear it all the time"
"I see that" Dean said leaning over and taking it. "It's well worn"
"It's old now"
Dean hummed moving back feeling a warm glow in his heart picking up old pictures from their youth, toy figures that once belonged to them, and even grass.
"Why is there grass in here?"
"It's from the hill, I found it in my pocket after I told I liked you and well…it's a very good memory of mine" Castiel replied with a shrug.
Dean chuckled shaking his head and found a white envelope addressed to him at the bottom.
"What's this?"
"That's…oh my god" he whispered taking it off him. "I wrote this to you before I met Balthazar, it was a few weeks before I met him and I was thinking of you…I wrote this letter and I was building up the courage to send it again and then I met him"
Castiel handed it back to him with a sad smile. "I can't remember what I wrote"
"Why didn't you send it?"
"I met him and all my thoughts ran away with me" Castiel responded sadly. "I must have put it in here and forgot about it"
"I see" Dean said brushing his hands over the envelope and placing it in his lap. "I'll read it when I'm inside"
Castiel nodded watching him bring out different items till he reached a comic book and laughed shocked.
"You kept it?"
"Yes"
"Wow" Dean breathed flicking through it. "This is amazing, Cas, I can't believe you kept all of this…I only have this"
Castiel stared at the black bracelet and nodded. "It's enough"
Dean looked over to him and placed the lid back on the box handing it back over to him.
"What's this meant to mean?"
"It's meant to show you that I never forgot about you like you never forgot about me. I'm also here to tell you that I'm staying till the art gallery ends and then I'm flying back to Colorado to collect my things"
"What are you going to do after that?"
"I don't know…find an island maybe, travel the world, or find someplace beautiful and paint it" Castiel said with a shrug. "Carry on without you I guess"
"That's what you really want?"
Castiel shook his head leaning into the car seat. "Do you want to know what I really want?"
"Yeah" Dean said slowly.
"I want to find a little island somewhere out there or whatever, somewhere hot, secluded, and with you" Castiel said softly looking over to him. "I'd paint anything I could and if they were good I would send them to my management. I'd have you and I wouldn't need anything else apart from food and water I guess"
Dean sighed deeply turning the letter in his hands. "Dreams and nothing more"
"No, hope"
"I'm going back inside" Dean said reaching for the door and opening it up.
Castiel looked out of the window feeling the ache inside him spread across his chest and he choked.
"Nothing I ever do can make it up to you can it?" Castiel murmured.
Dean hovered shutting his eyes for a long moment. Castiel flinched when the car door shut after him and he hovered his hands over the steering wheel. His eyes flicked over to the front door to see Dean enter it and close the door behind him.
Dean leaned against the door with a sigh ignoring the looks from Bobby and Ellen. His feet took him upstairs and he sat on the bed staring down at the letter before ripping it open and staring at the letter.
~0~0~0~
Dean.
I know this letter will come as a huge shock to you but I haven't forgotten you. I have never forgotten you. I regret writing the other letter so much, Dean, and I should have never wrote it. I don't know what was I thinking at the time but I was a silly little kid. I've been thinking of you a lot over these past few weeks wondering how you are, what you are doing, and if you are a relationship now. If you are, I'm sorry I was too late.
I regret ignoring your calls and I know I should have answered it. I also know how angry you are with me and I don't blame you. I only hope you write back to me.
You were everything to me and you still are, Dean, you're one in a billion and my best friend. I was so happy when you came to me that day wanting to be my friend and no one else's. I felt special and wanted for the first time in a long time.
I don't honestly remember the moment I fell in love with you but I think the moment I realised was when we were drunk, we stole beer and hid in my brother's tree house. You kept going on and on about how we were made to be superstars and I would be successful, I would buy you cars and we would be together forever. It was the moment I realised I was in love with my silly, reckless, and amazing but straight best friend.
I wanted you so bad and it killed me every single time you kissed or had sex with another girl. I wanted to be that person in your arms and I was so jealous.
I got you though. One drunken night on that hill and I had you. I was so happy and I didn't have to fall in love with you because I already was but watching you fall in love with me is indescribable. I destroyed that. I broke us up and I am sorry, Dean, I have no words until I meet you once again about how much I regret it but doesn't everyone deserve a second chance in life? I know I never gave you that on the day of that phone call but I was so hurt.
I know it's been four years and I deserve nothing in return for what I did to you. I made a horrible mistake but I'm only human. I make mistakes, I do wrong but all I need is one day your forgiveness and hopefully your love.
You're probably long gone and moved on by now and this letter will never reach you but I just want you to know that I love you, I have always loved you, and I've loved you since I was sixteen years old and nothing but a simple teenager.
They say teenagers have no idea what love is but I do. Love isn't simple. Love is passionate, insane, and weird, plus out of control and laced with darkness, bitterness, jealously, protectiveness, and it's our one weakness. You're my weakness.
I don't blame you if you hate me and burn this letter in hatred, I deserve it.
I'm so sorry.
I love you, Deano.
Cas.
~0~0~0~
Castiel smiled at Becky who ran over throwing her arms around him in a tight hug.
"I can't believe it, you actually did it"
"I grew a pair of balls" he joked pulling away from her.
"No, you simply grew up" she said touching his cheek. "How are you feeling?"
"Awful" he said sadly. "I've lost Balthazar and Dean…my dream came true. I'm just waiting for you to reject me and my family to chuck me out"
"Never" Becky said in a hard voice with narrowed eyes. "I will never reject you, I am the best personal assistant in California and I don't abandon my friends"
"Good" he whispered looking around. "I just want this to be over, I wonder if I can leave sooner"
"What about Dean?"
"I thought I could fight for him and he would fight for me but…it seems like fate doesn't want us to be together. I've hurt him so much" Castiel said shaking his head. "No more, I'm going to speak to Zach and hopefully be out of here sooner than I expected"
Becky gaped at him wordlessly as he walked away from her. Castiel knocked on the office door to see Zach typing at his desk.
"Ah, Mr Milton, do come in" he said gesturing a hand at the seat. "How can I help you?"
"I want you to close the art gallery sooner or let me go sooner"
"Excuse me?"
"I need to leave California as soon as possible so I can return home and carry on with my life. I'm going to leave Becky here to sort through the final paper work and then she'll come out and join me."
"I see" Zach said thoughtfully looking over him and sighing deeply. "Fine"
"Seriously?"
"Yes, yes, the best bit is over anyway" Zach said with a wave of his hand. "It is unprofessional to leave though"
"I don't care" Castiel said simply standing up and leaving without a second word.
Becky looked up when he returned. "Well?"
"I leave as soon I can" Castiel said dropping down into the seat.
"Are you really leaving without fighting for him?"
"I don't know" he breathed leaning back closing his eyes. "Balthazar is leaving for Japan though"
"Lucky shit" she said shocked causing shocked laughter from Castiel.
"I want to fight for him, I'd fight for him till the end of time but if he doesn't want me then what am I fighting for"
"I thought he was fighting for you"
"I think he was and then his own realisation hit him and he realised I wasn't worth it"
"You two" she said shaking her head and slapping her hands over her eyes. "You make me want to cry! You're like Romeo and Romeo expect you're more tragic and don't want to kill yourselves over nothing"
"I've never heard of us sounding like that before"
"You two need a good fuck that's what you need, all that pent up anger, stress, angst, and everything along with it can be put into good use"
Castiel laughed into his hands. "What would I do without you?"
"Fail dramatically" she teased flicking her pen at him.
Castiel looked away from her amused towards the doors of the art gallery.
"I need my laptop" he said with a sigh. "Flights to Colorado here I come"
Dean looked at Sam and Jo who read over the letter and Jo sighed with a pained look on her face.
"I don't think I can take anymore!"
"It's like a movie" Sam murmured folding it back up.
"What do I do?" Dean said looking at each of them in turn. "I don't know what to do"
"You get him back!" Jo shouted.
"I told you! I'm not welcoming him back with open arms"
"You stubborn, stupid, sonofabitch, Dean Winchester, did you read this letter with closed eyes? What does he have to do? Fight a battle for you? Swim across the Atlantic for you? Write a love song for you? Get down and swear his love and loyalty to your stupid ass?" Jo shouted hitting him over the head. "You two are bad as each other and even Sam agrees with me"
"Oh do you?" Dean said looking over to Sam with wide eyes.
"I just want you to be happy, Dean"
"You two have made your share of mistakes, misgivings, but like he said in this everyone deserves a second chance and forgiveness! You have what you want, Dean, he ended this relationship and he is trying for you! He took that huge step but like you said, Dean, he's just a child deep down and he doesn't know what he's doing, not really, and you were the one who wanted to fight for him first not the other way around" Jo ranted throwing the letter at him. "He wrote this before Balthazar, right? Balthazar came along all charm, sexiness, wit, success, and he changed Castiel. He forgot that's all, you were replaced and a lot of people are but they never forget, Dean, he never forgot"
Dean buried his face into his hands and drew away with a deep breath.
"I need a walk" he muttered grabbing the letter and leaving Jo and Sam behind.
"I need to move out of here" Jo said looking over to Sam who smirked amused.
"Go for it"
Jo exhaled with a huff brushing past him and out of the bedroom.
Dean looked up at the orange and blue sky of the setting sun and headed towards the hill. The hill stood alone and bare as Dean walked up it till he reached the top and looked out across the town seeing California in all her beauty.
Castiel sat in front of the laptop and clicked "order" for tickets leaving tomorrow at 6pm straight for Colorado. He sighed sitting back and reached for his cell staring at Dean's number wondering if he should ring.
Dean did the same pulling out his cell looking out the number and clicked call. The phone rang once and he heard the click of answer.
"Come to the hill" Dean said softly.
Dean sat down on the hill at the end of the call looking over the letter waiting for the familiar figure who he watched approach and stand in front of him.
"Hello, Deano"
"Hey, Casanova"
A/N: I'm cruel, I know. No, this is not the end. I will continue it on in another chapter of course. Thank you so much for the reviews! You are all so lovely.