Here's chapter eight. It's campier than the last one and the Kaibas' situation is explained further. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, its Abridged Series, Moulin Rouge, or any of the songs parodied in this story.

(1) A Katy Perry "Firework" reference. This scene is also a reference to the game "Robot Unicorn Attack."

(2) The whole song is to the tune of Erasure's "Always."

(3) A reference to something Dark Yugi says in the first volume of the manga: "Back then, we used 'astragali'-the uneven heel bones of calves and sheep." The line "rolling bones be damned" is also a reference to this.

-O-o-O-o-O-

The real diagnosis was much more bleak than Bakura's.

After he left the FracDonalds tower, Bakura ran over to Joey's apartment, where the doctor was finishing up his examination. Serenity dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

The doctor, upon seeing Bakura, shook his head. "What's wrong?" Bakura whispered.

"It doesn't look good," the doctor answered, shaking his head again.

"What do you mean?"

"This wallpaper is so 1973." The doctor looked up at the wall and shuddered.

"What about Joey?" Bakura asked, looking at the wall. Oh, god, he was right about the wallpaper.

"He has severe tuberculosis. I'm afraid he won't make it," the doctor shook his head again.

"You mean he'll…"

"Yes. He will." The doctor's tone was grave.

"He will what? What will he do?" Bakura asked. "I seriously don't know."

"He will d-" The doctor was cut off by a man's screams from below the window and loud meowing. The doctor glanced out the window, then back at Bakura. "He's going to die."

Bakura let it sink in as he fidgeted with the white mesh of his shirt. "Oh. Does he know?"

"He woke up briefly, muttered something about a Shadow Realm, and fell asleep."

"Did you tell him he was actually going to die?"

"Yes," the doctor answered quizzically. "He seemed to take it well."

"Oh, dear." Bakura looked over at the door again. "Well, we'll have to get him sorted out later."

They didn't get around to explaining the mechanics of death to Joey the next day because Tristan came over.

They sat on Joey's bed in the studio apartment, watching television. Both wore 3D glasses cobbled together from cardboard, plastic sheets, and red and blue marker. Tristan was sure the public access card game channel's blue curtains and folding tables would pop right out of the screen with the help of their snazzy new glasses.

Joey was uncharacteristically quiet during the duels. Tristan wondered if he was paying attention at all, considering several large words had been used and Joey didn't ask the definition of a single one. Not that Tristan could tell him, but still.

"Where did you go?" Tristan asked suddenly.

"What?" Joey asked.

"Last night."

"Oh." Joey turned away. "I was sick."

Tristan dropped his shoulders. "You don't have to protect me. I know you had to go with him."

"But I really-oh, neva mind." Joey let his hand fall from the bedpost he was poking absently. He stared out the window. The cats were circling again. "Tristan, dis isn't workin'."

Tristan looked up. "What do you mean?"

"We can't keep seein' each otha like dis."

"Like what?"

"Like dis!" Joey yanked the 3D glasses off Tristan's face. "I don't think it's workin'."

"Oh. They made cool colors, though."

"And I hafta break up with you."

Tristan turned back to the television. One of the duelists was hitting the referee with his folding chair. "Oh. Because of Duke, right?"

Joey's voice was strained. "Right."

Tristan watched the chair fight for a while. Those white folding chairs looked very familiar. "Then I'll write a special song. And every time you hear it, you'll know I still love you."

Joey looked up. "What kinda special song?"

"A special secret song. Of secretive secrets." With that, Tristan began to sing:

"I was all right, home free.

My moves were chosen.

Then you alight, near me,

Today I was frozen."

Joey stared, eyes sparkling like a vampire's disco stick. Tristan continued:

"I was sold, had me

At 'Let's duel in the rain.'

I triggered your card

But there is no pain."

Joey fell forward. The sounds of the chairs hitting the people's backs provided the perfect beat and the caterwauling under the window formed a lovely harmony. "But how will you get Kaiba to put it in?"

Tristan thought for a while. "I have an idea."

The next day, everyone scrambled to rehearse the new song.

"This sequence would be perfect for you to show off your holographic technology," Tristan told Kaiba. "I've seen audiences like ours and they'll eat it up like ice cream."

Kaiba gave him a look that bordered on approving. "Of course they will."

Everyone put on their new hologram-emitting chest badges, headbands, and fingerless gloves and took their positions. Rhinestone-covered stars hung from the rafters in front of glittery white pyramids. Joey lounged on a couch that had been spray-painted gold, wearing a blue leopard print tunic with a pink bobbed wig. With all the reflective objects and Joey's second skin of body glitter, the downstage area seemed to be bathed in light.

Yami twirled across the stage, his pleated white shendyt kilt fanning out. He began to sing as he moonwalked to Joey:

"All game, I wanna duel with you.

Look at the cards I drew,

I'll play my card again, card again, oh joy!

All game, I'm getting subtle clues

You want another duel.

Let's play that card again, card again, oh joy!" Yami thrust his hands upwards. The wings on his giant blue and white pinwheel disc bracelet fluttered.

Bakura and Kaiba watched from the folding chairs.

"What do you think?" Bakura asked.

Kaiba's eyes ran up and down Yami. "Stencil 'duel' on his chest in papyrus font." He looked to his right. "Weren't there two more chairs at the end of this row?"

On stage, Yami knelt in front of Joey with his hand outstretched. He pressed a button on his palm and the image of a spinning disco ball heart appeared. The heart alternately shattered and reassembled itself as he sang:

"I was so blind, before.

My heart was so broken.

What do I find, but your

Reverse card open." The belts looped over Yami's torso rattled in rhythm as he gyrated.

"Trick so old, but I

Fell for it all da same.

You owned all my life

Points, but dere's no shame." Joey fluttered his duel card fan.

The lights went low. The actors on stage still had enough light, but all the audience would be able to see was the glow-in-the dark face and body paint worn by Joey, Yami, and the rest of the cast. Everyone else began to do the running man as Joey and Yami sang:

"All game, I wanna kiss your neck

Shuffle your whole deck,

And play that card again, card again, oh joy!

All game, I wanna hold your hand.

Rolling bones be damned.

Just play that card again, card again, oh joy!"

During the musical break, the lights returned to their original brightness. The dancers stuck horns made of gold conical birthday hats with purple streamers onto their foreheads. They pulled out rainbow colored ribbons and spun around the stage, swirling the ribbons through the air while Yami and Joey flung cards at each other. They stuffed the cards into the couch cushions, jumped up on the seat and continued to sing:

"Be you bold, or shy

You're a hero, okay!

Just own the game

Like it's your birthday!" (1)

Glittering sparks shot out of holographic badges behind the two birthday hats on Joey's pectorals. Rainbows streamed from the hologram emitters on the dancers' headbands as they pranced in a circle around the stage. Yami shot lasers and rainbows from his hands while doing the vogue dance. Joey did a hoedown next to him while they finished the song.

"All game, I'm gonna win the duel.

Even if I lose,

I'll sing a melody, melody, oh joy!

All game, I wanna play with you,

Even when it's through.

I've got the heart of cards, heart of cards, oh joy!" (2)

The music faded out. Duke sat in his folding chair, watching the scenes play out in front of him. It was all so overblown. The music, the prancing, the rainbows shooting out of everyone's hands, the sparkles—he had to wonder if Kaiba was nipping something other than Abysmalinth when he green-lighted this spectacle.

Seriously, this story was not believable at all. Why should the courtesan fall in love so quickly with the penniless duelist when the pharaoh was clearly the better choice? Couldn't he see the pharaoh would be more able to pull him up the social ladder? Did it not matter that the pharaoh was richer, more powerful, and much, much sexier than the duelist?

"This story sounds very familiar," Duke mused to himself. The sexy, powerful, rich man…the poor, pointy-haired card game lover… "Holy art imitating life, Batman!"

Kaiba and Bakura looked back at him. Everyone followed suit.

"You have something to say, Duke?" Bakura said.

"I don't like this ending," Duke answered.

Kaiba stared at him with dull annoyance. Bakura asked, "Why not?"

"It doesn't make sense. I mean, love at first sight: what the hell? Also, it's just irresponsible. The audience will get the message that money isn't important, and that's the last thing you want to tell anyone in an economy like this."

"I think the audience is smart enough to realize it's just a play," Tristan responded.

"Still, just to be sure, maybe you should go for a more realistic ending. If it's too much of a happy ending, it won't be believable and they'll just be insulted."

"He does have a point, as much as I hate to admit," Kaiba considered.

"And maybe you should take out the secret song and all the holographic stuff."

"OH, HELL NO!"

Everyone jumped. Bakura returned the overturned chairs to their rightful positions and slid his chair a little bit further away from Kaiba.

"You don't agree?" Duke asked, the very picture of cool.

All eyes were on Kaiba, who was looking more like a rhino that got his tail pulled than a rational human being. "The holograms are staying. The ending is staying, too. It's too close to opening night to rehearse a completely new one. You should've made your suggestion earlier."

"But just a second ago, you were fine with a new ending. Did you change your mind that fast? Bakura, are you sure he's okay to be in charge of things like this?"

"I am in perfect control of myself!" Kaiba screamed.

"Admit it, you all probably admit the ending is silly, don't you?" Duke addressed the rest of the cast.

The actors and dancers decided now was the time to inspect the floorboards—they couldn't have people falling through the stage on opening night.

"Why would the courtesan fall for the duelist? He's such a loser. He has nothing to his name but some second hand clothes and a bunch of dueling tablets, he has no game whatsoever, and he's the least sexy thing since 900 numbers. Why would anyone, courtesan or not, in his right mind choose him over the pharaoh?"

"Because he doesn't love self-important pricks with dice fetishes!" Tristan blurted out.

Everyone turned their attention from Duke, Kaiba, and the floor to Tristan.

"I mean, self-important pricks with heel bone fetishes," Tristan corrected hastily. "Who can't riverdance and don't shoot lasers." (3)

Duke tossed his ponytail, having quickly recovered from the shock of learning that not everyone was floored by his sexiness. "I think the story will be rewritten. With the courtesan choosing the pharaoh, without the secret song, and without all that holographic nonsense."

Kaiba looked ready to attack, but Bakura restrained him. "Duke, that would be impossible at this point. You heard what Kaiba said about opening night."

"Cut Dukey some slack, will ya?" Joey hopped off stage and strolled over to Duke. He caressed Duke's ponytail, then discreetly wiped the mousse on his tunic. "He's cranky 'cause we haven't spent much quality time togetha." He turned back to Duke. "How's about we go to da FracDonalds tower and talk show business?" He ran a finger down Duke's cheek.

With that pink mop on his head and those birthday hats on his pecs, Joey was irresistible. "Okay," Duke said, hypnotized.

After the rehearsal, Tristan met Joey at the lockers.

"I wish you wouldn't go with the Duke."

"I have to entertain him. His mirror needs a break," Joey said, pulling on his t-shirt. He turned around to Tristan, who was leaning against the wall with his arms folded. "It'll be okay. We might mess around a little, but we won't go too far. You know I'm all yours." He gave Tristan a quick peck on the lips. Tristan softened.

"All right. Good luck."

Joey grinned. "Thanks. Dis'll be easy as falling off a chair."

Tristan watched as he strode down the corridor, off to save them all.

-O-o-O-

Kaiba cornered Noah in the foyer.

"Even I can't figure you out," Kaiba started. "Do you get off on betraying your family, or is there some other perk to 'royal ass kisser' I'm not seeing?"

"We need the money." Noah tried to shove his way out, but Kaiba refused to move. "I'm getting better results than you are. Without completely degrading myself, anyway."

"What do you call being at Duke's beck and call and picking up his dirty g-strings when he's done for the night?"

"Don't have to be so crude about it," Noah muttered. He pushed past Kaiba, who grabbed him by the shoulder. "Let go. He'll be pissed at me."

"You should care more that I'm pissed at you. You abandoned the company when things got slightly rough."

"Card games fell and you call that 'a little rough?'"

"Mokuba, Bakura, and I need you much more than Duke does. Why are you putting him above us?"

Noah just stared. Did Kaiba just admit to needing him?

"Don't go spreading it around," Kaiba said, reading his facial expression.

"I would like to rejoin the company, I really would. But we need money and Duke is offering ten times more than what I'd get at the Black Dragon. I kind of like eating, and I'm sure Mokuba does, too. Besides, isn't it enough that you're renting rooms in the house?"

Kaiba looked toward the floor molding. "I'm not sure I can afford to keep doing the 'service' that justifies the high rent."

Noah's mouth fell open. "You were…with the tenants…God, Seto!"

"I'm not proud of it, okay? Those first few months were hard on business and that was the only thing people weren't too scared to buy, other than food. It was a limited time offer. I stopped when we got out of the hole."

"And then you went to Chess Avenue." Noah started toward the door.

"I wouldn't have had to if you did your part for Kaiba Corp. That holographic scene was the perfect vehicle, and you know it."

Noah sighed and opened the door. "Tell me something I don't know."

-O-o-O-o-O-

Next up: "He's not your mate in this card game...Josephino."