Blaine-4

...I stand in stunned silence. I got him fired? How stupid could I be? Before I know it, I'm in Kurt's arms and he's comforting me. At least, I still have my best friend.

As we walk to the Coffee Bean, I recap all of my mistakes. So clear in hindsight. Starting with the fact that I'd only met Jeremiah three weeks ago. I'd been too blinded by all the Valentine's Day hype to realize that it was much too soon for a romantic serenade.

"I should have never listened to Thad. Of course, this was a bad idea, but he encouraged me. Acted like he was happy for me. It was the song. It was too much. Do you think it was inappropriate?"

"For someone you only went on two coffee non-dates with? Yeah, probably." Kurt is always honest with me. Why didn't he tell me this was a bad idea before? Why didn't someone stop me?

"I can't believe I sang about keeping your toys in the drawer. When I Get You Alone...Why'd you let me sing that?" Kurt doesn't answer, not that I expect him to. I'm just ranting now anyway. "I don't think I've ever made that big of a fool of myself. Which is really saying something because I've performed at theme parks. I just can't believe I made it all up in my head."

"OK, can I ask you something? You and I... we spend so much time together. We sing flirty duets together. You know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that didn't mean anything?"

I'm taken aback by his declaration. I'm at a loss for words at first because this is so unexpected. I'd never thought of Kurt romantically. Well, that's not strictly true. When we first met, I'd thought he was sexy as hell, but as I got to know him better I started to think he was more asexual than gay. He never seemed interested in anything remotely sexual and only theoretically attracted guys. Had I completely misread him too?

"What do you mean?" I ask hoping for some clarification that isn't as awkward as the one I'm thinking. If Kurt has been crushing on me this whole time...super awkward. "I thought that the guy that you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day was me." Oh no. No, no, and hell no. Not again. I've been down this road once and I don't want a repeat performance. I used to be great friends with Thad until he and I decided to date. Disaster of epic proportions! And now...oh god, now Thad hates me, and I miss our friendship so much. I don't blame him but we were just so incompatible sexually, and I broke his heart discovering that. Part of the reason I stopped thinking of Kurt that way was his reaction when I tried to talk to him about Thad. He stuck his fingers in his ears and started to sing - literally - at the first mention of sex. I think about all of our interactions over the past months and wonder if I've been too flirty. It's hard to say. People tell me that I'm a huge flirt, and I know especially when I'm singing I really turn on the charm. It doesn't mean anything, though. It's just performing. I don't know how but I manage to come up with some generic crap about being friends and not wanting to ruin that as I try to grasp what's going on with Kurt. He's even looking at me differently. It's like seeing me singing to Jeremiah today has changed how he sees me, I think. As I look into his eyes, stare at his mouth, I think...no, I just can't hurt him. I love Kurt. Oh god, I really do love him so much. I can't say that because he won't understand at all. He'll want romance from me, and if I give it to him, I'll want sex from him. I love him too much to ruin things with sex. As we sit together having our familiar coffee orders, Kurt comes up with a brilliant idea. "You know what? I have an idea for Valentine's Day." "What do you have in mind? Nothing sappy, please. I can't take it." "A lonely hearts' club dinner to honor the singles of the world. The Warblers could perform." "Two off-campus performances in a row? David's head might explode." "It's good for them." "True, they had a great time at The Warbler's Gap Attack." "So it's a deal?" "We'll have to sell the council on the idea but I think it's a great idea." I text David first to feel him out on the idea. If David will go for it then all the other Warblers will fall in line.

-David, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?

-Why, are you going to tell me to keep my toys in the drawer?

-I don't think Sarah would like that!

Cheeky bastard. The Warblers are never going to let me live that down.

-LOL. Very funny. Kurt wants to do a performance.

-A Lonely Hearts Club Dinner

-I'm not single. Neither is Wes.

-What will we tell the girls?

Yeah, he would mention Wes. Sometimes I wonder about those two. They go on entirely too many double dates to be straight if you ask me. Back to the task at hand.

-It would mean a lot to Kurt. Please? Just think about it.

-I'll talk to Wes and see what he thinks.

By the end of the day, it's a done deal. The emergency meeting on Monday is just a formality.

14 February 2011

As I sit across for Kurt's other best friend, Mercedes Jones, I feel pretty good about myself. The horrible Warbler's Gap Attack debacle is just days in the past and yet Kurt has managed to rescue me yet again. This time from myself. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I've spent Valentine's Day serenading a group of appreciative teens. Kurt called it a lonely hearts' club dinner but even those friends who are happily paired up turned out for the show.

"Best idea ever," I enthuse before David interrupts us with a come on to Mercedes. It's the most awkward come on in the history of teenage hormonally driven antics. Luckily, Kurt seizes the moment and drags her away before David has a chance to further humiliate himself.

"Dude, what's wrong with you?" I ask him when Kurt is busy mingling and presumably engaging in one of his favorite pastimes, matchmaking.

"What do you mean?" he asks innocently.

"You have a girlfriend."

"Which I stated upfront. I was just being friendly."

I snorted because he so wasn't. I look at the cluster of Warblers drooling over two cheerleaders. I forget their names but even without Kurt's gossipy explanations, I can tell that they are far too into each other for any of the boys to have a real chance. Then I notice that Kurt is chatting with Thad. Oh god, no good can come of that. I wonder if my ex is telling my best friend that I'm some sort of perverted sex fiend. I'm not! We just weren't compatible. Thad is too tightly wound and repressed...and a total bottom.

I push uncharitable thoughts aside and reflect on how sad it is that things didn't go well between us. He's still my greatest supporter on the Warbler's council despite our personal issues. He's actually a really sweet boy and we used to be such good friends. Just another reminder that I can't screw things up with Kurt. I don't know what I'd do without him.

The rest of the night proves to be interesting to say the least as the New Directions girls demonstrate that they are every inch the divas that Kurt told me they were. I'm just glad we don't have that sort of rivalry going on in the Warblers.

05 March 2011

Kurt is warm and solid in my arms as I sweep him around the dance floor. He compliments me on my dancing but truthfully, he's so graceful that no one could possibly have noticed me as his partner. I nearly fall into his deep blue eyes - eyes that seem to constantly change color. I can never say if they are green or blue or some other color that is unique to Kurt. As I stare at his lips wondering if they taste as good as they look, I remind myself that I can't go there. It's difficult to keep my mind out of the gutter because Kurt has been...well... different lately. It's hard to put my finger on just what it is, but it definitely started after the Gap Attack. He's still sassy as ever, his wit is sharp as a knife, and his taste in clothes just as impeccable. So what is it that has made him seem ten times sexier than before? Probably nothing but my own sexual frustration and over active imagination. But still, there've been times that I wonder if it's worth the risk. Then I remember what it is I'm risking. I love Kurt. He means more to me than anyone else in my life and the thought of losing him...scaring him away with a sexual relationship that he clearly isn't ready for...it's just not worth it. I know it's strange because I have other friends that I've known longer, but Kurt is different. He really gets me.

16 March 2011

I should be happy. I have the lead in both the numbers that we're doing for Regionals and everyone is sure we're going to Nationals this year. Our choreography is flawless. Our vocals are perfect. So why am I so ...not unhappy, exactly...more like restless. You know that feeling when you left the house and halfway to your destination you think you've forgotten something important but it's just out of reach in your brain? It's like that. Like I've checked my pockets 100 times and found that I have my keys and my wallet. I've looked at my calendar and I'm not forgetting anything, and yet I am. It's like I'm looking for something but I don't know what I'm looking for. I walk down the corridor, round the corner, and I see Kurt sitting alone studying. Not studying, exactly. He's looking off in another direction, staring intently at something that I can't see.

Then it hits me and I reali...