Blaine-5

As Kurt takes control of the kiss, I'm shocked and thrilled. I didn't plan on kissing him. I'd thought to spend time with him while we practiced the duet and then somehow work up the courage to ask for a date. All my careful plans and rehearsed words flew out the window when Kurt asked me why I wanted to sing a duet with him. I can barely remember what I meant to do or say because Kurt's tongue is in my mouth, and his hand is hot on my cheek. He rubs his thumb across my jaw, and I nearly lose it. I over come the urge to rip his shirt off and...well, I don't even know what I want to do...I just...I just want him.

When I finally pull back to a safe distance to collect my thoughts, my brain is so short circuited that I'm surprised by my own eloquence as I suggest that we practice. I can't help myself when I look up at him to decipher his response. His lips are swollen from our first kiss, and his eyes are blown with desire. He looks so wild and wanton - a look I've never seen on Kurt and it's intoxicating to think that I caused that look, so I immediately claim his lips again. I'm not even sure what he said, his hand wrapped around my tie pulling me closer, and the feel of his soft lips are all the responses I need.

After the second kiss, we're panting and some rational part of my brain claws it's way to the top and reminds me that there is a whole world besides Kurt's lips and we really should be working on our duet. Stupid rational brain. I want to tell it to shut up, but instead I suggest that we get to work on our duet and remind Kurt that Regionals is just days away.

Luckily, Kurt's ambition kicks into overdrive, and he is like a slave driver the rest of the afternoon. While we alternate between making out and singing, I can't help but catalog all the things about Kurt that I love so much. His eyes - wow, did his always flash and change color like that? How could I have never noticed that? Kurt has been my best friend and confidant for months now but somewhere between being his mentor and becoming his best friend, I lost track of how sexy and beautiful he was. And his lips, how did I not know how kissable his lips were? How soft, warm, and responsive.

Kurt is in my lap grinding on me shamelessly, and I think those wanton moans must be coming from my lips. It's hard to concentrate with his hips doing that wonderful thing they're doing. Sex appeal of a baby penguin? Well, baby penguin's must be fucking erotic because Kurt has taken control of the whole situation, and I feel like I'm just his to use. Not that I'm complaining. In fact, I start to feel a familiar tingling urgency, and I almost let it take me before I reluctantly pull back from Kurt and beg him to stop. I can't come in my pants with my boyfriend on our very first day together. That would just be too much. Boyfriend. Oh my god, did I even ask Kurt to be my boyfriend? I think back over the conversations and realize that I haven't. What did I say? Something cheesy about finding him and ...oh my god did I really say you move me Kurt?

"Kurt, we should talk," I gasp trying to rein in my raging hormones that are urging me to just shut the fuck up.

I've never had a boyfriend before but that doesn't mean I haven't had a few heavy makeout sessions in my past. I went on three dates with Jeff last fall before I met Kurt and on our third date, things went farther than either of us intended. Sure, when you're hard and horny coming in your pants seems like a great idea but trust me, afterwards it's just embarrassing. I don't think

that's why he broke things off. Jeff simply realized that we have nothing in common. Still it's hard to look someone in the eye after that.

Kurt is sitting beside me blushing furiously, and I know I made the right call. I don't want to screw up the relationship with the boy I love before it's even started. Love? My head is spinning with the realization. I do love him. I can't tell him that so soon. I'll just sound like a flake. One thing at a time - what are we to each other?

"Talking is overrated. You should be kissing me now," Kurt says seductively, and it takes all my will power to resist.

"No, we should talk. I just went for it because I'm not very good at expressing myself with words but I want to know...I'm wondering...well..."

"Blaine, what are you trying to say?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

"I thought we already were. I mean, we've been...you know."

Thank god! I don't say what I'm thinking which is that making out doesn't make someone your boyfriend. I know how innocent Kurt is and I don't want to seem slutty.

All too soon, I remind Kurt that it's time to go home, and I sit on the couch trying to cool down. I'm lost in thought still when Kurt surprises me by returning. I look at the clock and wonder where he's been if he hasn't started out for Lima yet.

I don't question him though. I'm hardly in a state to be questioning anyone. I've been sitting here in a daze for nearly thirty minutes. Kurt and I exchange several sweet kisses before I reluctantly let him go and he heads to his car.

21 March 2011

Kurt seems like a different person sometimes. Not really, he's everything I fell in love with but ever since our first kiss he's passionate in a way I hadn't imagined. He's always been sexy but now he just can't seem to stop kissing me. Not that I'm complaining! We're entwined on my bed for a little after-school make-out session, and things are quickly getting steamy. I feel his erection pressed against my thigh, and I take that as a hint to take our making out to the next level. Big mistake! As soon my hand barely glances across that enticing bulge, Kurt is off me sitting on the edge of the bed, back to me. The cold air brings me out of the moment, and I know I've screwed up. I know how embarrassed about sexual matters Kurt is and I'd planned to let him make the first move...honestly, I meant to, but he was so forward that I forgot all of that in the heat of the moment.

"Kurt... Kurt, please, tell me what's wrong," I beg. "Was I moving too fast? I'm so sorry, I just got a little excited. I promise, I'll ask before I do something like that again."

He's beet red and looking down, refusing to meet my eyes, so I continue trying to coax him back.

"Kurt, don't be embarrassed. It's completely natural to get turned on. It's kind of the point," I joke.

He looks up, pauses just a second, and blurts, "I have to wash my face," before bolting to my bathroom. I hear water running and debate trying to talk to him through the door before I fall back on my bed and wait instead.

When he comes back he looks more put together. Aloof, even. It's a familiar look and not one I especially like even if it is part of the Kurt I've come to know.

"I should go now," He says cooly.

"No, please not yet," I beg, hating how needy I sound. "We should talk about this, Kurt." I say more firmly. "If we're going to be boyfriends, it's OK to not be ready for some things but we have to be able to talk about it."

His look softens, and his eyes warm a little. He even smiles the tiniest fraction.

"You'd be OK, if I'm not ready for certain things? You don't think...You don't think I'm boring and unsexy like some cute cuddly baby animal?"

"Like a baby penguin?" I tease. I hope for a laugh, but he gives me a hurt look instead. When I see that, I pull him close for a soft kiss. "No, I don't see you like that at all. Kurt, you are very sensual. I'm so sorry that I ever gave you the idea that you weren't. One minute, we're talking about acting sexy on cue for an audience and the next we were talking about sexual knowledge and I was taken aback. I'm not very good at talking about things so if I made you think that it wasn't my intention. You are so incredibly sexy, especially when you aren't even trying to be."

"Really? Even though I have no idea what to do? That's what I'm really afraid of Blaine. When you tried to touch me, I thought you wanted to...well do stuff that I've only read about and what if I mess up and you laugh at me?"

I can't help it; I do laugh. I have to because otherwise I'd have to admit all my own fears that Kurt is going to think I'm some sort of sex-crazed pervert. My laughter is infectious, and the tension eases as Kurt starts laughing too.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh," I manage.

"It's OK," he says with a bright smile. "We should laugh about it. It's awkward and weird but that's part of being in a relationship isn't it?"

Heartened by this encouragement I forge ahead with the sex talk instead of letting it drop.

"So we should talk about this," I suggest.

"By 'this' you mean sex?"

"Sort of. I mean boundaries and what we're ready for and what we aren't," I explain. He doesn't answer, so I push on. "You do masturbate, don't you?" I feel silly asking because it seems like a stupid question but with Kurt you never know.

Kurt immediately pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them defensively. He blushes furiously, refusing to meet my eyes. "Of course I do," he mumbles. "Everyone does. That doesn't mean we should go around talking about it."

"I'm not just asking to make you blush," I clarify. "Though you look adorable when you blush." That makes him look at me. "If you masturbate then you know how to do everything I'm prepared for, Kurt. I've never done any of that other stuff either and I'm not ready to try it yet. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I want to take things as slow as we need to. I wasn't trying to get you to have sex with me."

He looks confused at first, and I wait while he works it through in his head.

"Oh!" he finally says. "So you'd be OK with that, really? Just...touching each other and nothing more?"

"I'd be more than OK with that," I agree enthusiastically. I pull him close and start planting small feather light kisses on his face. "I'd be fine just kissing if that's what you want," I promise as I continue working my lips along his neck. He relaxes into me with a sigh and snuggles closer. My heart soars and I think I could stay just like this forever.

"So," he says thoughtfully, pausing for a beat. "Let's just agree to keep our hands...um...north of the border for now, OK?" He looks at me hopefully and I really feel like a pervert because he still doesn't seem to believe I'll agree.

"Of course," I say quickly. "Hands do not cross the border until you grant me a visa."

He smiles, and I put both my hands on his chest. "So this would be OK, right?" I purr suggestively. He nods so I slide my hands down until I reach his belt. I hook my fingers into his waistband and say with what I hope is a dapper smile, "And this is the border, below which is completely forbidden?" His eyes widen, and he gasps before nodding silently. I let him go and smile wickedly because the word forbidden obviously had the hoped-for effect.

"I should go now," he chokes out.

"Go home and masturbate?" I tease.

Instead of answering, he stands up, grabs my hand, and starts walking to my door.

"Walk me to my car," he finally manages when we are nearly out the door. "And if you say that word one more time tonight, you're never getting you hands down my pants," he threatens.

22 March 2011

I'm on cloud nine all day, as I have been every day since March 16th. Not even losing at Regionals was enough to dampen my spirits. The Warblers make fun of our saccharine doe-eyed demeanor, especially Nick, who keeps teasing us about being so clueless for months. He should talk! He and Jeff were in love for years and too blind to see it until early this year.

After class, Kurt and I go back to my room for what has become our nightly routine of a long passionate goodbye. OK, maybe spending two hours a night kissing goodbye is a little excessive, but we have a lot of making up for lost time to do. I've come to realize that we've been boyfriends since last November, and I owe Kurt about five months worth of kisses, and I intend to make good on that debt.

Keeping my hands in the safe zone goes very well at first. I enjoy running them along Kurt's back and chest - through a shirt of course. That is until my mouth finds a particularly sensitive spot on Kurt's neck, and he makes the most delicious sound imaginable. I could have resisted that - I think. The sound is just the start, though. Kurt presses himself against me as if he's trying to eliminate the slightest space between us. That combined with his insistent hands pressing against my back prove to be my undoing. Before I can think better of it, I roll us until I'm lying on top of him. He looks up at me through his lashes with a little smile on his face, and I try to suggest that we take a break. Kurt has other ideas as his lips are back on mine, his tongue probing my mouth in a way that is so suggestive that I can't even think of anything else.

I push myself up a little and capture both his hands in mine. With our fingers laced together I say smugly, "Hands above the waist." I wait for him to suggest that we stop, but instead he smiles and wraps his legs around me in a nearly impossible feat of flexibility.

"Yes, they are," he agrees in a voice all too calm for the position we're in. Then he digs his heels intomy ass and what happens next is inevitable. Cheeky bastard!

As I lie next to him, my hand caressing his cheek, I don't even care that my pants are sticky from our activity and apparently Kurt doesn't either, judging from his goofy smile. Does my post orgasmic smile look like that? It looks adorable on him. We don't say anything for a long while but the silence isn't awkward at all. I keep expecting him to freak about the mess or get embarrassed about coming from humping with our clothes on, but he surprises me by continuing to look at me like I'm the best thing ever. What did I do to deserve this boy? The answer is clear. Nothing, because I don't but I'm glad I have him anyway.

Though it seems like we've been lying like this for hours, I'm not ready when he rolls away from me and sits up. Kurt wrinkles his nose adorably as he inspects the contents of his pants and exclaims, "Gross! I can't believe I have to drive home like this. I wasn't thinking of that."

I laugh. "I don't think either of us was thinking about anything," I agree. "Don't worry, I'll loan you something."

He gives my his best judgy look complete with an eyebrow raise. I should be annoyed by it but I can't be. I can't seem to stop finding every little thing he does adorable.

"I know," I admit, "My pants won't fit your luxuriously long legs but I can at least loan you some boxers." I rifle through my drawers for a suitable pair and hand them to him, hoping to see him undress and put them on. To my disappointment, he opts for modesty and takes his gorgeous self, underwear in hand, into my bathroom to change. When he comes out he looks far too put together to be real and I'm aware of what a mess I must be at the moment.

Kurt takes my hand and says haughtily, "Walk me to my car." I readily comply.

April 2001

The next day is the best day ever. Then it seems that every day is the best day ever. We abandon the hands-free zone before we've really even tried it. It's weeks later before I start see some skin. Kurt is ridiculously shy about his body given how confident he is about other things. I don't mind though. I'm not with Kurt for sex. Sure, I'm a healthy teenaged boy and I think about it all the time but I'm just happy to be with him. Most evenings, we snuggle together on the bed in my dorm room studying. We talk about everything we love, what we want for our futures, and I open up a little about my father and how insecure I am under my dapper facade. Kurt still holds something of himself back from me. It isn't about sex, at least I don't think so. There is something mysterious and hidden about him that he just isn't ready to share. I can wait.

Kissing him goodbye is always sad but made up for the next day with stolen moments between classes. Knowing smiles and private texts. My life if perfect for the first time in my life. It's perfect...until it's not. I should have seen it coming, but it hits me like a punch in the gut the first time the topic comes up. Kurt wants to return to McKinley. I hide my disappointment behind mature reasoning and a concerned boyfriend voice. Inside, I'm dying but I never let Kurt know that. I don't want him to go back, but he misses his friends and his freedom. The safety and acceptance at Dalton are ironic because it's all based on conformity. It's a cage and I know it but I'v come to love my cage, and I thought Kurt had too.

Instead of crying and begging him to stay, I round up the Warblers for a goodbye performance on the day he returns to the cruel world of public high school.

May 2011

It doesn't get much better as the separation becomes nearly unbearable. We spend most nights on the phone with each other, though I drive to Lima as often as I can. No more double dates with Nick and Jeff - instead we tend to hang out with Rachel and Finn or just spend time at Kurt's house. Occasionally, he comes to my house but for the most part, my life is in Lima now. I spend very little time with the Warblers, but the competition season is over. It isn't until my grades start to slip that Kurt puts his foot down and insists that I come to Lima less often. I have to make do with mostly weekend dates with him after that.

Then he drops the biggest bomb of all - prom. I keep it together for Kurt's sake but I'm not doing so well as the near panic attack hits again. I head to the gym and punch out my frustration. I told Kurt the bare minimum about the attack, but I skipped the gory details. I really don't want to talk about it. The horrible crunching sound as the boots hit Shawn's head. The blood everywhere. The weeks in the hospital with my jaw wired shut. Those awful sickeningly sugary nutrition drinks that ruined my sweet tooth forever. And none of that compares to the guilt. The crippling, mind numbing guilt that was constantly reinforced by everyone around. Why did I insist on going to the dance and flaunting my sexuality in everyone's face? If only I'd been discrete about being gay, those guys wouldn't haven't been forced to beat the crap out of us. Sure, no one actually said it that way though my dad came pretty close more than once.

I punch the bag particularly hard and nearly jump out of my skin at the sound of Nick's voice.

"What's going on Blaine?"

"Nothing. Just working out."

"I've seen you work out, and it looks more like working out issues to me. I know we haven't been that close lately..."

"I'm sorry, Nick," I apologize as I look up at him.

"No, I wasn't fishing for an apology, Blaine. It's just that you've been distant lately. I understand why. It's hard to maintain a relationship with your boyfriend who lives ninety minutes away and keep up with all your friends. It's not like Jeff and I have made the effort either. We've kind of been preoccupied with dealing with the impending summer separation."

"Oh god, that's going to suck isn't it?" I blurt out before I realize how it sounds.

"Yeah, really it's nothing new. We spend out summers apart since we met our freshman year. We'll be OK."

"But that was before..." open mouth insert foot, Blaine.

"Before we were together?" he interrupts with a wry smile. "I know; it will be different. I'm so torn because I'll miss Jeff so much but I love summers with my dad and sister."

"Where are you going this year? Maybe Jeff can visit."

"We're going to the Everglades and, yeah, Jeff and I already planned for him to come down for a few weeks. Luckily, his parents are really awesome."

"I should shower and get going," I try hoping Nick has been distracted enough to let it go.

"Blaine, come on. What's going on with you? I'm not going to let you off that easy."

I sigh and shake my head.

"You wouldn't understand. Just let it go."

"Not gonna, so just spill."

"Kurt asked me to go to prom with him."

Nick's face lights up with a huge smile as he says, "Dude, that's fantastic." Then he sees my face. "Isn't it?" he asked with a puzzled expression.

He doesn't get it, of course. Nick didn't come of age knowing he was gay. He thought he was straight until very recently when he realized that he was in love with his best friend Jeff. In fact, it seems likely that Jeff might be the only boy Nick will ever be attracted to. So he never experienced bullying for being gay. He's surprisingly naive about the whole thing even with his recent entry into the queer world.

"Going to a dance has a bad memory attached to it. I'm trying to work through it for Kurt's sake but I don't want to go. The last time..." I choke back the tears because I will not cry in front of a fellow Warbler. I pull myself together and continued, "When I was in junior high, I went to a Sadie Hawkins Dance with a friend of mine - a boy - and it didn't end well." He doesn't need the details.

"So, why don't you perform?"

"What?"

"At the prom. Blaine, it's your strongest weapon against everything. Don't think we haven't all noticed how you put all your angst into your performances. It's what makes you so memorable."

"Don't you think it would be weird for me to sing at the McKinley prom?"

He shrugs and says, "It can't hurt to ask. Who do they have booked for the gig?"

"Actually, New Directions is entertaining so I guess maybe it isn't too big of a stretch."

To say that prom doesn't go well is an understatement. Kurt puts up a good defiant act while we are in public but back home in his room he falls apart in his room. We manage to sneak in and avoid talking to Burt and Carol about the night's events - there'll be time enough for that later. For now I just hold Kurt as he sobs inconsolably against my chest. I have no words of comfort so I rub my hand against his back in a soothing circle, occasionally kissing the top of his head. Eventually, he falls asleep as I lie awake staring at the ceiling. I feel guilty for my relief that his tormentors only humiliated him. I know he doesn't appreciate the difference even though he has plenty of experience with violence but I know how much worse it could have been. I'm lucky to be alive and I'm glad I don't have to face what I would do if someone attacked Kurt. I know one thing - it wouldn't be like before. Maybe the end result would be or maybe it would be even worse for me but I'll fight back next time. I might not win but I can be sure to make them sorry.

27 May 2011

I miss Kurt so much. He'll only been in New York for a few days but I feel the distance. I check my watch and realize that it must be about time for New Directions to be finding out where they placed in the first round at Nationals. I know Kurt will be calling me soon but I can't wait so I dial his number...