Chapter Eleven: Cracks

I loved my new house. I had virtually nothing in it, but I didn't care; there was lots of space and it was all mine. Daniel had made moving day effortless and amusing too, seeing as my appearance in the negligee appeared to have messed with his brain.

"I'm not going to get anything meaningful done all week." He said, following me upstairs carrying boxes. "That image of you is burned onto my retina."

I smiled. "My maroon pyjamas are not sexy. I needed to give you something else to think about."

"That's all I'm going to think about, for decades. I couldn't possibly be a student in one your classes, all I'd do was gaze at you."

I smirked. I did exactly the same to him in our Astronomy sessions. Which were coming to a close and that was sad. Then he gave me a gift which meant that I didn't need to be sad about it any more. When everything was pretty much straight, he brought in one last thing. It was a very large box, beautifully wrapped in silver paper. I carefully peeled it off to reveal my very own telescope!

"It links to your computer so you can line it up on there and then go outside. I wondered if it was something we could continue to do together?"

"Sure! I'd love that." More reasons for him to come over at night? What's not to like?

I didn't feel like making dinner, so I ordered pizza and the pair of us sat on the sofa relaxing and watching TV. I even got my first visitors, Charlie Swan and Heather Scott. Charlie told me that I could stop calling him Chief Swan now we were neighbours. They came over with a card and some wine and I introduced Daniel as my friend. Ness came too and so did a bit of a surprise - she was hand in hand with Jake Black. I expected Daniel to bolt out the door at the first hint of other people, but he didn't and he chatted easily with Jake, Ness and Charlie. Heather came into the kitchen to help me make coffee for everyone.

"He's extremely handsome." She smiled. "But he's just a friend? You're still seeing Mike Newton, yes?"

"Yes."

"Ah. I see in those eyes a woman who'd rather be with Daniel?"

"Is it that obvious?" I whispered.

"No, I just know what I'm looking for."

"Daniel's not in a position to be in a relationship right now. But I hope in time that we could be."

"And in the meantime?"

"I need to end it with Mike."

"I think so too. Emotional honesty is best, I find." Heather moved a little closer and dropped her voice to a whisper. "There's something about him though, do you sense it?"

"Sense what?"

"A feeling of being unsettled around him. Do you know what I mean?"

I sighed. "Yes." I knew why that was, but I couldn't tell her.

"It's odd." She continued. "But I get the same feeling around Charlie's daughter and her husband. It's like I'm scared of them. I've only met them twice, but it's been there both times. Charlie doesn't know what I'm talking about and neither does Ness, she gets on fine with Edward and Bella. Poor kid's had a rough couple of months with her best friend dying. She's spent a lot of time in her room. Charlie wasn't worried about it, he said she'd come around; and he was right, she did. Although the first time she went over to Fredericks to hang out and get coffee, she bumped into Jake and they got chatting - and kissing, ha ha!"

"That was a surprise to see them. Isn't he a little old for her?"

"Not really, there's only five years between them. Charlie's thrilled. His reaction? A big old resounding finally. I think he and Billy were hoping that Jake and Ness would get it together - keep it in the family so to speak. You haven't met Billy Black, Jake's father have you?"

"No."

"You will living here; the guy practically lives next door. I may be Charlie's girlfriend, but I still get elbowed out of the way for Billy if there's a game on." She laughed. "I don't mind. I get on with Billy's fiancée Maggie really well. She often stops by my place on those nights."

"Do you worry about this feeling you get around Edward and Bella?" I said, trying to explore what she'd said a little more.

She shook her head. "Charlie's got good instincts; he has to in his line of work. He wouldn't be that comfortable around Daniel if he any concerns. He'd be in here, watching him from a distance, not in there boring the pants off the guy about fishing."

I snickered and we took the coffee through.

That night, with my little house fairly straight, Daniel and I said goodnight. He came down the stairs from using the bathroom and placed his hands on my shoulders. Slowly and carefully as if he were testing and checking himself every moment, he bent down and placed the lightest of warm kisses on my cheek.

"Thank you for helping me." I said. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"It's a pleasure. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find some way of crow-baring that image of you this morning out of my brain."

I smiled and spoke my heart. "Stay." I said softly.

"I can't."

"I'm not expecting anything, but just stay the night."

There was a long silence. "I can't promise to be here in the morning and I have something I need to do first."

"What?"

"Take the truck back."

"Oh." I was expecting something a little less prosaic.

He looked at his watch. "I'll be back around eleven, but I'm giving no guarantees that I'll still be here in the morning."

"I won't hold you to anything."

"Ok, see you later."

So here we were, lying in bed facing one another. Looking, not touching and not speaking. There was enough room for a third person between us, but he was here and that meant the world to me.

He'd come prepared. He must've stopped by his place, because he arrived with pyjamas, as if to underline that this wasn't about lovemaking. I wasn't wearing the black negligee, I was in my usual maroon pyjamas, with the buttons done up to the top and this time no perfume. I didn't want to give him any reason not to be here in the morning. I tried to stifle a yawn but I couldn't. Even though all I wanted to do was look at him, I was rapidly losing the battle with sleep.

"Go to sleep." He smiled gently and it melted my heart.

"Hmm…" I sighed. "Sleep well." I whispered.

"You too."

I closed my eyes, feeling the bed move as he rolled over. I wanted to dream of him, but I was out like a light.

In the morning the sound of heavy rain hammering against the window woke me. Through sleep-filled eyes the time on my bedside clock swam into focus. It was seven and it was Sunday morning. Oh bliss! I didn't need to get up. I closed my eyes again and picked through the memories of yesterday. The negligee incident, moving my stuff here, hanging out with my new neighbours and then the biggie - he'd gotten into bed with me! I rolled onto my back and my heart nearly broke when the mattress beside me was empty. All that remained was a slight dent in the pillows where his head had been. He'd even straightened the quilt. But he'd made no promises and I'd agreed to that. I ran my hand out across the mattress. It was cool; he must've been gone for a while.

I got up and padding downstairs in my moccasin boots I caught sight of myself in the hallway mirror. Maroon pyjamas and I was even rocking the sexy bed-hair thing and he wasn't here to appreciate it. Oh well, his loss, I smiled. I started the coffee going and watched the rain run in rivers down the kitchen window. Today was for chilling out, perhaps a book and film? Oh shit, no. Scrub that, I was having Mike over for lunch.

Circumstances had nicely arranged themselves. Mike was needed in the store and couldn't help me move, but I'd promised he could be my first visitor so I could try out my new kitchen and cook him lunch. I wasn't to know that Charlie, Sue, Ness and Jake would call round, or that I'd persuade Daniel to stay the night. But Mike was having the honour of being my first visitor on Sunday. Or not, as it turned out.

"Morning sleepyhead." I spun round, shocked at his voice, to see a very wet Daniel coming in through the back door. He smiled. "You look startled."

"I thought you'd gone."

"I went for a run."

"In this weather?"

He shrugged. "You can't keep in shape around here if you only run on dry sunny days. Do you mind if I use your shower?"

"Go ahead. I haven't tried it out yet, I don't know how good it is."

"I'll figure it out."

He pulled off his running shoes and walked through the kitchen to the stairs. The close-fitting running pants outlined every muscle in his legs and buttocks. Something stirred inside and I smiled at the intense desire he produced within me.

"Down girl." I purred, grinning like the Cheshire cat as I grabbed a cup and poured some coffee.

I intentionally hung around in my pyjamas a little too long that morning, getting things ready for lunch. As I peeled vegetables, Daniel set up my computer and telescope.

"The bastards!" He suddenly said.

I ran through to the living room. "What?"

"They've put something on here again. How the hell did they get in?" He pulled out his cell phone, selected a contact and walked out of the living room and upstairs as it connected. "Hi, they've gotten to her computer again…" I heard him say. I wandered over and looked at the list of files on the screen. A bunch of them were highlighted, but it didn't mean anything to me.

I glanced at the time, it was coming up to eleven and Mike would be here in an hour. I needed to wash and dress. I checked on the meat in the oven and set the pans on the stove for later. Daniel came downstairs again.

"They must've gotten to it while you were staying at Mike's. Whoever called to fix his Mom's computer on Wednesday did this to yours."

"She never mentioned anything."

"She may not have known if they distracted her, or used the excuse of checking cabling to go into the room you were in. Your shield was over your class at the time protecting you. In the meantime they did this. It isn't one I can get out before Mike arrives. I'm going to have to take your computer with me, strip it out and do a clean installation."

"OK." There was nothing much I could say to that.

He sighed. "It was all going so well." He looked at me and smirked. "Are you going to get dressed today or does he get to see you like this too?"

I laughed. "I don't get your obsession with my pyjamas."

"It's not your pyjamas; it's what you look like in them."

"And what's that?"

"Soft, warm and very inviting."

"So not sexy at all, then?" I grinned.

"On the contrary, very sexy. It's what I like, the laid back casual thing? Not that you don't look good in what you wear to work - and that black thing yesterday? You'll have to save that for when I'm stronger. But for now, what I really like is you just as you are: Intelligent, funny, sassy, incisive, caring and very lovely."

"When you're stronger?" I questioned. "You manhandled a set of drawers upstairs yesterday without my help; how much stronger do you want to be?"

"I wasn't referring to physical strength; I was referring to my emotional strength. I had rough time for a couple of years and I'm still straightening myself out. Not everything works as it should and this is why I struggle to be intimate with you. I can run forever, lift the heaviest weights and swim oceans if you want me too, but holding you in my arms is out of my league. Simply being close to you, even if I can't touch you, means the world to me. Lying in bed last night watching you sleep was a real step forward. I'm a work in progress and I hope you'll stick around to see the finished result."

"You were watching me sleep? You didn't sleep?"

"You were out like a light." He chuckled. It was lovely, lying there listening to you."

"I wasn't talking in my sleep was I, or snoring?"

He shook his head. "No. Well, not talking…"

"Oh no!" I winced.

"You were so tired." He smiled widely, flashing sparkling white teeth that produced that twinge of fear in me again. "Anyhow, you need to go get dressed for your boyfriend."

The light seeped out of my world. "You're my boyfriend."

"No, I'm the weird guy you can't touch who hangs around you. Mike's your boyfriend."

"I'm going to finish it."

"No!" He was suddenly serious. "Don't finish things with him. If this doesn't work out, you'll need him."

"It will work out. Why wouldn't it?"

"You think you know me Stephanie but you don't. There's a lot I can't tell you and if something happens and I have to go away, then I don't want there to be nothing left in your life."

"Will you have to go away?"

"If it became impossible to stay, then yes and it would be nothing to do with you, it would be entirely to do with the circumstances I'm in."

"And you couldn't keep in touch?"

"No. If had to go then it would be final."

"And I couldn't come with you?"

"If it were down to me then I'd take you in a heartbeat. But that too would be final. My life isn't a lifestyle choice; you'd need to leave everything behind. Your family, your friends, every relation you've ever known, this house, Lyra, your job, money, car, books, photographs, everything. For you to come with me would mean that to the rest of the world you'd be dead. There's no way back without a lot of explaining and trust me, you wouldn't want to."

I began to be aware of the seriousness of what he was involved in. "Is that what happened to you? Is that why you had to leave your daughter behind?"

"Yes, and there isn't a moment it doesn't hurt. If I have to leave you, it would hurt all over again."

"Don't ever leave me" I whispered.

He put his hands on my shoulders. They felt surprisingly cool through my pyjama top. "I would never leave you intentionally. If I go it's because I have no choice." His voice was laced with emotion and I inhaled his beautiful scent. "Go get dressed before you run out of time."

How I got through the afternoon with Mike I will never know. I marvelled at my acting skills, even managing to convincingly kiss, though every second of it felt like a deep betrayal of Daniel. Still, he was the one who wanted me to have Mike, just in case the worst happened and he had to leave. But I couldn't pretend that this emotional schizophrenia wasn't taking its toll. By the time we reached the end of March, cracks had started to appear around the edges of my life.

I wasn't sleeping great and was increasingly plagued by nightmares. I worried about the shadowy figures stalking my life. I worried about something awful happening to Daniel, or worse, him just vanishing altogether. Even on the rare occasions that Daniel did stay I couldn't settle and often woke drenched in sweat, to find him already sat there with a glass of water and a cool compress.

The cracks were not confined to me. Lyra had not taken to life in Forks at all well. She hated the sight of Daniel and was out the cat flap the moment he arrived. But even on the days he wasn't here she was still neurotic, bad tempered and had taken to urinating everywhere. The vet said it was a clear case of stress and prescribed tranquilisers. Getting her to take them nearly resulted in me needing the damn things.

The broken nights were impacting my job and I spent a frantic afternoon looking for a pile of tenth grade papers, only to find them in the trunk of my car where I'd left them three days earlier. I was up into the small hours grading and at least on that occasion I slept well. I slept so well that I overslept and made my first class with only seconds to spare. But there was worse. While driving to my last Astronomy session I must have fallen asleep at the wheel. The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by bright lights, voices and in unbearable pain.

Of everything now it was the popped ribs that still hurt the most, but my mouth was a close second where it had smacked into the exploding airbag. My teeth had serrated the edge of my tongue and my lips were bruised and swollen. My teeth ached but thankfully I'd been spared reconstructive dentistry. Even though my ribs were taped up they still hurt, but surprisingly the big thing didn't. The broken leg was fine, now that it was pinned, straightened and encased in plaster. Bill Greene had already been over to tell me not to worry about a thing. That was stating the glaringly obvious, there really wasn't much teaching I could do from a hospital bed anyway.

I watched the clock on the wall edge towards three thirty. I heard footsteps out in the hallway and winced as I eased myself over onto my side and sat up sideways. It was the least painful way of getting up. In came Mike, he was here to take me home.

"Mom's made you five meals," He said. "I've put them in the freezer, just take them as you need them. Call me if you need anything. Anything at all."

"Thank you. Please say thanks to her, that's so kind."

"It's the least she can do. How are you going to manage washing?"

"I have that all in place." I said. I didn't, but I wasn't going to admit that. I'd do the best I could for now.

"The Police are coming tomorrow?"

"Yes. Guess I'll know then what I'm likely to face in terms of charges."

"And the car?"

"Beyond repair." I sighed.

"Don't worry about getting to school or anything, I'll drive you."

"Thank you." I stifled a yawn. "But with these pins in my leg I can't go." It wasn't late, but I was tired. I'd not slept particularly well in hospital and was anxious to shut the door on the world and have some privacy.

Mike left. I locked up, switched the lights on and slowly made my way upstairs. I collapsed into bed and did what I'd wanted to do for four days, now that my phone was finally re-charged. I checked the messages, but there wasn't anything from Daniel. Not even a 'where are you?'

Oh no, was this it? Had he had to leave and I would never see or hear from him again? My heart was in my mouth as I sent a brief but light message. I made no mention of the accident. I waited five minutes, ten, half an hour; but nothing came back. I was suddenly very cold and trying to be very, very brave; as if it was wrong to cry in the face of knowing full well what could've happened. I fought back tears.

"Oh!" I exclaimed as my head suddenly thought of another reason why he wouldn't have been in touch. He'd accepted another assassination job and was off despatching a life. He was hardly likely to call me in the middle of that. OK, well that was a little easier to cope with as a reason for his silence. Not great, but better than running with the gone forever scenario. I'd cling to that for now. I settled down and my head played out unhelpful James Bond scenarios with Daniel in the lead. Daniel in a tuxedo was not an image a woman could easily get to sleep with.