Chapter Nineteen: Believe

"Ness? What's the matter?" Ness was leaning on the doorframe of my room looking forlorn.

"Oh, just stuff…"

"Anything I can help with?"

"Not unless you're good at putting broken people back together and can magic my parents up for graduation?"

Graduating High School and not having proud parents there would be making it a very bittersweet day. "Sorry, no can do. Can't Edward and Bella get here?"

She shook her head. "No, they can't make it."

"Pity. We're hoping to have it outdoors too, if it stays dry."

"Oh it will," she said sadly. "There won't be a cloud in the sky."

I laughed. "Are you a budding meteorologist?"

"No, but I know someone who is and they say it'll be a glorious day." She sounded sad.

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"I don't care what it does."

"You'll have Charlie though and Jake."

"Yeah…" She wrinkled her nose. "Graduation's supposed to be for your parents." She sounded petulant.

"I know. I'm sorry, this is one of those times when life sucks."

"Big time." She exhaled loudly.

"As for the broken person, Heather's good at putting people back together, why not try her?"

"Heather can't help this time. Besides, she seems preoccupied right now."

"She's got a lot on her mind."

"So do you." Ness turned to me. "You looked a million miles away this morning."

"Yeah? Well that's understandable with everything that's gone on." 'And you don't know the half of it'. I added silently in my head.

My thoughts were on lockdown, or perhaps denial - the correct terminology for not thinking about things seemed a little irrelevant. It was the last week of school and there was a lot to cram in. Everything was gearing up for graduation. Now was not the time to be dealing with the catastrophe that was my life. That was Saturday's job. On Saturday, with everything in my professional life done with for another year, I would allow myself to think about the last two weeks.

Nothing made sense and right now I couldn't cope with any of it. There was too much: Angels, boys who turned into wolves, men with red-eyes, heads that came off and ghosts that sat on my bedroom floor pretending to be Daniel. That was an insult to his memory.

The bell rang for the end of lunch and Ness pulled herself up off the doorframe and I watched her walk away, the weight of the world on her shoulders. I totally got her point that graduation was for your parents to be there for. That was never going to happen for her, but it was sad that Edward and Bella couldn't make it. I realised that I hadn't asked her why. I was doing a lot of not asking questions these days. My brain had enough to cope with; it didn't want to deal with anything else.

Mike was full of apologies for leaving me stranded in the forest. He was deeply embarrassed at getting himself lost and having to be rescued by Jake Black. That wasn't something he was happy about at all. He seemed to have huge issues with Jake, to the point of comedy. But he did tell me what Jake had told him, which was that Jake's friend taken me to the hospital to get checked out, More lies of course and at the first opportunity Jake Black and I would be having a conversation. What was he covering up? Was he in on the death of Daniel? Yet more things to think about on Saturday.

Mike came around on Tuesday night, bringing a bouquet of beautiful pink flowers and something I did not expect: A goodbye.

"There's someone else. I've invited her to the Graduation party."

"Well, I wasn't going anyway, I thought I told you?" I'd already decided against enforced jollification, in favour of a quiet night in with a pizza, a bottle of wine and whatever fell out my head.

"You did tell me, but I thought you should know about her anyway."

"What's her name?"

"Jessica. She's an old friend, an old school friend."

"Oh."

"You don't seem very concerned. I was expecting you to shout, or scream or… something."

"It's pointless to get angry." I said quietly. "Life's too short."

"Are you OK? You don't look so great."

I shook my head. "I'm tired Mike." I sighed. "I want this semester to be over and I just want to sleep." I couldn't get angry with him. I'd treated him so abysmally this year and now, when I'd decided I wanted him, it was too late and that was fair enough. I hoped Jessica would be honest with him for one thing. Honesty was a commodity in short supply in my life. Right now; I had no clue where truth ended and the lies began. Mike and I said goodnight and I slumped back onto the sofa.

How ironic, that I had started the year wanting more in my life than teaching and grading, but now, reaching the end of it, relishing those very things, because the rest was too much to think about. In my job I was in control, I made plans and stuck to them. Outside of that I wasn't in control of anything and I wasn't even sure which way was up these days. I should be grieving for Daniel and I should be angry about Mike, but I wasn't. I was numb and inert as if every single emotion was on ice. I'd buy several bottles of wine with my grocery shop this week. Perhaps getting out of my head on Friday night would somehow allow things to come out. The tension was giving me a headache and it wasn't outside the bounds of possibility that I was in shock about the whole thing. How many of your students change into a wolf right in front of you? How many times does the man you… Oh. I juddered to a halt over the next word, feeling that by admitting it I'd be stepping off the precipice I was on. .Love. I sighed, acknowledging it. I loved him. I had told Daniel an outright lie. Not only was I in denial about events, I was also in denial about emotions. I was completely and irrevocably screwed up.

I woke in the early hours of Wednesday morning with the skin on face taut and I recognised the feeling of dried tears from back when I cared what Scott did. I couldn't settle back to sleep so I went downstairs. Something drew my attention to the bouquet of pink flowers on the counter top. There was now a single white flower in the centre of the arrangement. I realised with a shock that it was a moonflower – my favourite! How had I not noticed that before? My thrill at seeing a moonflower was immediately stolen, by fear of another note or another dismembered cat carcass. I walked around but nothing was out of place.

Back in the kitchen I caught a familiar scent in the air. It was unmistakeably him.

"Daniel?" I said. There was no reply. Well of course there wouldn't be, he was dead and this was just my mind playing another horrible trick. Didn't people who were grieving try anything to imagine that their loved one was back with them again? I closed my eyes and words that the red-eyed man had said came back to me.

"An eternity of wandering the planet, pining for her."

Sadness enveloped me as I acknowledged how I felt about him. I missed him. I honestly and truly missed him! There was an ache in my chest that wasn't connected to whatever had hit it, it was deeper and I was pretty convinced it was love. I didn't believe in ghosts, but with Heather and her angel for a father and the odd experience I'd had on Sunday night, was it a good idea to dismiss it out of hand? The ghost had said it wanted to stay and he'd wanted to explain. More than that, he'd wanted the chance to love me. In return I'd told him to go and had never given him the chance to do any of that. The moonflower was so very personal, it wasn't just any flower, few people knew how much moonflowers meant to me and Daniel was one of them. Did I have a ghost haunting me? A ghost, who'd given me a flower, that could perhaps say 'I love you' from beyond the grave?

A cruel warmth of emotion rushed through my chest and I acknowledged again what I should've done on Sunday. I screwed my eyes up against the pricking I could feel, but it was too late. Why did you only realise what you had when it was gone! I greeted the pale summer dawn in tears.

The day was hard, but at home that evening I brought the vase of flowers over to the coffee table, sat down, stared at the white moonflower and though of Daniel. I couldn't deal with everything, but there was one feeling that I needed to be honest with myself about and I needed to do this out loud. I needed to hear it. I was quite used to muttering to myself, but intentionally talking to an imaginary ghost felt odd.

"Daniel?" I said hesitantly. "I miss you." The tears started. "I'm sorry that I told you to go. I wish we could talk, even if I don't understand what's going on, at least it would be something." I suddenly felt very alone and very foolish. There was a knock at the door. I hurriedly wiped my eyes and went to answer it.

It was Heather.

"I've been convinced all week that something was up . You look in so much pain!" She put her arms around me and stood there as the dam of emotion burst and the shock and the distress of the last few days poured out in a flood of tears.

"He's dead!" I wailed. "Daniel's dead!"

"What?"

"They decapitated him out in the forest. I saw it!"

"When?"

"On Saturday. I… I…" I didn't know what to say. I took a deep breath and tried to get out what I could in one go. "Some people were trying to stop us getting together, something to do with what Daniel does, I mean did. They've been getting at me all year, in Port Angeles and here too. It was getting worse and worse, until the other weekend with the blood..."

"So were you with Daniel in the forest and they attacked you?"

"No, I was with Mike. Daniel was away, or I thought he was. And… and then… there he was, being held by this guy with the most horrible red eyes!"

"Red eyes?"

"Yes! And… And… Daniel's eyes aren't brown, they're weird, they're ochre, or dark yellow or…"

"Gold?"

"Yes, gold."

"And you saw them decapitate Daniel?"

I nodded. "The man with the red eyes pulled his head off and threw it at me. I blacked out."

Heather looked at me with suspicion. "Did you wake up covered in blood?"

"No. I woke up in my pyjamas in bed and with no idea how I got there."

"Were you drinking?" She laughed.

"Yes, but just wine and not more than a bottle. I wasn't out of it." I asserted. "I know what he saw and that guy pulled Daniel's head off."

"And threw it at you?"

"And threw it at me."

"Where are the clothes that you were wearing on Saturday?"

"Er…?" I looked around, I hadn't thought about that. "I don't know. I was wearing…. I turned around to look for my outdoor jacket and there it was, hanging on a peg. "This." I pulled it out and there was nothing on the front, but on the back there were several green stains that indicated that I'd been in the vegetation. "Look! Those are from where I fell."

"But where's the blood? And where are the rest of your clothes?"

I went to my laundry hamper and pulled out Saturday's pants. They were stained with grass and dirt, even a few drops of wine; but there was no sign of blood.

"But I saw it happen." I said weakly. "His head hit me in the chest, my ribs are bruised."

"Stephanie." Heather said quietly. "If Daniel had been decapitated, then you'd have been covered in blood. Perhaps it was something else that hit you?"

"It was his head. I'm not making this up."

"I believe that you were out in the forest, these grass and dirt stains tell me that. But something else must have caused you to black out. Where is Daniel now?"

"He's dead, he's a ghost."

"You think he's a ghost?" I knew at once that Heather thought I'd lost it.

"Yes, a moonflower appeared in the bouquet of flowers."

"Appeared? Are you sure you just didn't notice it first time around?"

"I don't think so, the flowers were pink; this is white, it stands out." Heather pulled a face. "Look, you of all people should know that there are more things out there than humans. Your own father's an angel so why shouldn't there be ghosts?"

"How do you know he's a ghost?"

I rolled my eyes, this sounded lame. "I think I can smell him."

Heather's eyebrows shot up. "I think you should see a Doctor. I think this is stress…"

"It's not stress!"

"You've been through a lot recently and this is a busy time at school. Look, you're clearly upset that Daniel's not around. Have you tried calling him?"

"He's dead!" I yelled and then realised that she didn't deserve this. "I'm sorry." I exhaled loudly, venting some of the tension from my body.

Heather rubbed her hands up and down my arms. "You may not want to admit it, but you're stressed. Can we back this up a little?" I nodded. "The gold eyes? Look, I know this is possibly making something where there's nothing, but Edward and Bella have weird-coloured eyes too and thinking about it, you could say that they're gold."

"His weren't the first gold eyes I've seen. When I was in Seattle at Christmas and fell on the ice, the guy who treated me and his wife both had gold eyes. Do you think there's some genetic quirk around here?"

"I don't know, but it would explain why Daniel's covering up his eyes with brown contacts."

"Why Daniel was…" I corrected her. "He's dead, remember?"

"Do you know that for sure?" She asked me straight out.

"No."

"I didn't think so. Your eyes don't convince me."

"On Sunday night when I woke up there was someone… something in my room that looked like Daniel. It said he was Daniel, but he was cold - like ice, you know? It, kept going on about wanting to be with me, that it was all sorted out now and that we could be together. I freaked. I told him to get the hell out of my life, so he did. I haven't seen him since."

"So my question about whether you've called him wasn't really that stupid. You could establish if he's still around?"

I shook my head. "If he answers what do I say?"

"That you'd like to give him the chance to explain."

"I don't know if he'd even want to speak to me. I was pretty clear about what I said."

"Give him a call."

I nodded. "OK." I said, in a near whisper.

"But perhaps give it a few days. On Saturday?"

"Yeah, I'll do it Saturday." Saturday was going to be a busy day.