He remembers the time when the sky is bluer, the clouds whiter, the sea is glistening and everything else is more vivid, twice as real as they seems now. When seagulls flap their wings and fly over the dock, waiting for the fishermen returning home. He remembers the idle chatters around him, the way the wind sways and he's lost in the ocean of people.
Times when he would go to his favorite spot near the beach, never crowded or dirty. Wave crashing, sun shining, and all he would do is to lie on the sand to enjoy the passing hours. Then one day a pair of feet slightly smaller than his own joins him, towering above him to block all the sunlight before she falls giggling, showing her perfectly white teeth. "Don't you think you're tan enough?"
He can't help but snort at the comment. Unafraid, the girl sits beside him, watching as he curiously observing her, a stranger who barges in his leisure time. When he finally find his voice back, he asks, a little too soft to his liking, "Who are you?"
That's the day he first meet Annie Cresta.
They're both lucky to be born in families with better upbringing than most citizen of district 4. Healthy and happy enough to have normal childhood. While it's not entirely lucky for them to be born in this world with Hunger Games, that's the best they can have.
Soon the two are turning into best friends. Inseparable. Finnick enjoys Annie's comments on things, how she perceives the world from what everyone else tells her, while Annie adores Finnick's optimistic approach. When they're together, nothing else matters. At times, they think it'll continue just like that, rolling days with the scent of salt, as serene as the vast ocean.
She's a great swimmer, Annie is. Finnick often sit by the beach just to watch her doing it. Moving like a dolphin, as graceful as the swan, she dances and laughs, letting her tangled hair to fall all over her face. The sea is her territory, where she glows the most. Brave and bold, thick blood of 4 running in her veins. He jokes that maybe they'll find saltwater instead of blood in her body, a comment which is welcomed with genuine laughters and a jab to the chest.
That is, until their first Reaping Day. No, not theirs. His.
Finnick assures himself they wouldn't possibly be reaped. Only a slip of paper for him, but he still squeezes her hand and whispers promise just to make sure he doesn't wear a sullen face himself. Annie waits anxiously at the perimeter, being one year younger than him. She won't get into reaping until another year. She hugs him when he's announced safe till another year, eyes surprisingly sparkling with unshed tears. That day they play by the beach until the moon hangs high.
Being in a Career district, his father doesn't object much when he asks for special training- more like relieved, actually. It is a written rule that training is illegal until they step into the Training Area, but with lives at stake, and the fact that many wealthier districts do this as well, training has become quite a necessity. After all, he has made a resolution that if his name one day comes out reaped, he'll make it home. To his family. To Annie.
It soon becomes a ritual. To go straight to the beach after reaping day, get off from the costumes they wear for Reaping, and swim around, to etch in mind the fact that they're allowed peace for a year. To forget. To turn blind eye to whatever injustice is being brought to the district.
He loves her eyes, which sparkled with intelligence and hints of playfulness. He likes the tone of her voice, calm and steady yet not without shade mischievousness. Like him, Annie isn't one of those Capitol fans and she's not afraid to let them know. At least not directly. Either based on his or Annie's idea, they poke fun of the Capitol behind the mask of children innocence, getting into trouble deliberately, and always make it out safely.
They're able to defend themselves from almost everything.
In his second Reaping Day, Annie's first, Finnick remembers Annie wearing baby blue gown which fall under her knees, and she complains about how the layers make her uncomfortable. She looks vulnerable, which isn't exactly true, but it's the Reaping Day and most people lose their courage in that day anyway.
He considers asking Annie whether she wants to train together or not, but decides against it as he knows, though quite strong for a girl, Annie would not do it. She's placing others over herself, something Finnick prefers she changes. But as long as she's safe, it's okay. A thought he one day regrets to the core.
Their small world changes by the next year. On their third Reaping Day, Finnick wins the odds. As his name is called a wish runs in his mind like a mantra. Don'tpickherdon'tpickherdon'tpickher...incessantly repeated until the Reaping is over and he's left with a girl he barely knows, aside of being in the same grade at school. Two 14 years old for district 4 that day and people weeps that night, thinking that no one would come out alive this year.
Annie embraces him, clenching me with all her might, holding what seems to be the last of him. He gives her a necklace made of seashells and a promise to come back. Silence follows. She has drained all her tears (Not in front of him-she's too proud to do so). "I'm waiting. Promise me, come home, Finnick." He gives her one last goodbye before the assigned Peacekeeper comes.
Hell begins.
The days after that are blurry at best. Too painful too recall, too much to keep in mind. What he does memorize is his gradual loss of sanity, how he feels his own self is slowly out of his reach, like trying to keep grain of sand in your hand. What matters is to survive. To come home. To Annie.
To think that he is about to fight 23 children to death to meet Annie, who dislike violence like cat to mouse. The irony cramps in his stomach. There is no more choice than winning.
There's never a real winner in Hunger Games. Those who are crowned Victor lost half of themselves in the battleground, living with constant fear and haunted with nigthmares. He looks up to Mags, who already like his grandmother, and other mentors who are surprisingly warmhearted to each other, most of them. Contrast with their tributes who, naturally, resent one another. Perhaps that's why. Because only Victors know best. The survivors, the citizen of nightmare realm. They've been reaped, survived, meeting from year to year, watching their fellow tributes march to the end, or sometimes, join them in the Victor circle.
How they manage their trauma and act as if everything's normal?
When he finally steps on the street of 4 again, smelling the scent of salt in the air, the safe haven of home hits him like a brick. She runs straight and lunges herself on him once she spots him, eyes filled with delight and concern.
Annie never actually brings up the topic of Hunger Games. She just tells him how she tries to strengthen herself watching his ordeal the whole time. For the first time, she cries in front of him, and at that moment of vulnerability all he could conjure from his memory is the warmth of her body in his arms. On the other hand, Finnick never tell her either-how the Games break him.
His family move into Victor's Village in a few days. Annie asks him numerous times whether he would still meet at their usual place, to which Finnick assures her countlessly that he would never leave her. Victor's Village is an awful reminder to the battles. He could never sleep in the house, feeling as if those he murdered watches him in his sleep. The house, afterall, has been given to him as the prize for killing them. He can truly rest only in their cove, with Annie by his side. She notices the nightmare. Instead of confronting him, she lets him leans closer, consoling him as good as she could. Not much, but better.
The only luck he thinks he gets by winning the Games early is that he, being underage, acquires about three years of vacancy-freedom. After he attends his Victory Tour, he gets all the time for himself. The 'appointment' will not start until a Victor is about 17 (They told him, the mentors. They took a pity at him and they told him what will happen in a few years)-three years of being with Annie before he should be a Capitol's pawn again, toy to Capitol women.
It's funny, he thinks, that those Capitol women wait for him only to glomp at him once he enters manhood. Even when he's 15 they are already circling him like a horde of greedy vultures. Nevertheless, he takes the time for granted. He has not much left in any case.
He is desperate enough, but never lets his guard down. Living with vivid nightmare from day to day. The last thing he wants is for Annie to know, but at any rate, he knows he's fighting a losing battle. She's too clever for her own good. It doesn't take long until she confronts him.
"Finnick, you changed." Almost quiet, subtle tone, like tiptoeing on shards of glass.
Yeah, I'm. I lost myself in the game, Annie. He will never say that out loud, for heaven's sake. If Annie knows, her hatred to the Capitol will grow who knows how much. And he is afraid that Annie might not accept this boy-no longer Finnick-as he is. Even he could no longer recognize himself. It's all gone, left behind with the entire Game.
She is as scared as him. Soon, girls from his hometown line up for him. It has become increasingly uneasy as time passes. She tries to act as if nothing is different than before, but he, as painful as it can be, knows that she's gradually understands. She is the only reason he lives. The only surviving part of 'Finnick', his feelings.
He hits his 17th birthday, dreading all day for the worst. Sure enough. Invitations (threats, his mind corrects) begin to pile in his inbox, Snow comes over to tell him 'Happy Birthday' and 'The Victor's Duty'. He hates it to the core. He is Annie's, always Annie's. Those disgusting women and their equally dirty thoughts torture him, but with Snow practically tagging everyone he loves with looming death threats, all he can do is to apologize to Annie in his mind the whole time.
Another confrontation. This time tearful. It's not intended to be accussing, but still hurt to hear nonetheless. "You're getting more and more distant." I don't want them after you. "Lines of girls, frequent trips to the Capitol. What happened, Finnick? You wear the mask all the time. If you keep this up, I don't even sure if the boy before me is my friend. You're keeping secrets from me."
"Annie, listen, I'm sorry. That's what they expect from a Victor, okay? Please, believe me."
"Sorry, I-I thought they have lost their interest for you since you're not the most recent Victor anymore. I shouldn't have doing this. I'm selfish-."
"If only they really lost interest to me. The only reason they don't do this earlier is because I was too young. As if they could fall lower than they already are."
She giggled, half relieved and half genuine. Knowing his time is almost running out, he's determined to let her know. Before it's too late. "Are you jealous of the girls, Annie?" He forces out a grin, being too adept with his mask by then.
Before, they need not the word. They understand. They know each other so much it's difficult to hide a thing. They just know. That their friendship has something more within. But with Hunger Games raiding almost everything he has, he decides that for once, he needs to say it.
"The way you act around them, it's fake to me, but I sometimes scared that it might be real..."
"Then stop it. Annie, for years, you're the one I love, and will always be."
Their first kiss tastes like predicted-light and salty- natural like breeze. They hold hands the entire time, her hair tangled in mess as they walk against the wind.
Fate is a funny thing. The odds are never in his favor.
Annie is reaped. The pure shock in her face is the last thing he registers in his mind before nightmare takes over his memory. Tainted in red and black, stench of death. He should know better. Snow would never let him go. Perhaps no more family members, but he should has done better than to show that he has another precious person. And she's at reaping age. So perfect. Snow doesn't need much excuse or elaborate plan to kill her. 23 person will do the bidding.
He begins to understand how hard it must be for her to watch his game 5 years ago, because it takes everything in him to restrain himself from launching into the arena and save her. Twice worse because he's her mentor, and he's determined to keep her alive. Said determination tortures him at times he could only sit idly at the mentor room, watching her from flat screen helplessly. Watching the game with someone you love in it. Someone you hold dear losing her sanity as second passes. Then it slowly comes clear, just how much she had lost him.
He's broken, she's broken. They're broken. But they have each other. Alive. For the sole reason only, he'll be strong. For both of them. For all they have left, Finnick decides that he would be anything to help Annie lives.
The girl whose eyes shimmer before the twilight, sparkling with mischief, the girl who swims like a dolphin, whose hair fall all over her shoulder, she never truly returns to him since then.