Chapter 2
Sleeping on the sofa hurts my back, so I look for Buttercup and carry him upstairs with me. If someone had told me a year ago that I'd actually want the company of this irritating ball of fur, I would have laughed. But, his presence fools me into believing Prim will be back for him at anytime. After tossing and turning, I give in to the fact I am wide-awake. I am restless and fighting hard to keep my thoughts away from Prim; but I'm weak and give in to her absence. I am crying and minutes later I am sobbing. When I run out of tears, anger sets in. Snow. Coin. They took away everything I had. No sister. No best friend. No mother to nurse me back to sleep. I think of Peeta for a second and my mind travels to another tough night of sleep months ago, when 13 was being attacked by the Capitol. That night Peeta paid the price for announcing our imminent attack on live television, therefore keeping us all alive. And I'm not even sure he remembers that, because Snow took him away too. All that's left is me and this crazy cat.
The thought of this sends me looking for a flashlight, which I find in a box hidden in the back of my closet. I taunt Buttercup with it until it's obvious he's too tired to keep pursuing the light. I look through the box and find useless things. Some loose buttons, a cushion of needles, a spare toothbrush, and a stained shoelace. I pick up the shoelace and treat it like it's an old gift from Finnick and I tie a knot only to untie it the next second. I do this repeatedly and I do feel as if I've returned to the night of the missiles. Except, I don't have to return my string to Finnick, because he's gone too. My stomach sinks at the memory of his and Annie's wedding, and their 'soon to be born' child, who will never know their father. It could have easily been me. If the Quell didn't reap us, I was sure Snow would have forced me to marry Peeta and have his child only to watch either die as punishment for my rebellious act. Or maybe both, since there was no limit to what Snow would do ensure his power. If only I had been sure Coin was just the same as him in time to save Prim. It is painful how every memory sends me back to her. I push it away once more and try to think of times when I thought I was happy. Hunting with Gale in the woods, learning to swim at the hands of my father, nursing Prim to sleep with a song.
"Damn it," I say it out loud in frustration.
It's enough for Buttercup to wake up and hiss at me before hiding under the bed. The sun will be up soon and I am exhausted. I am finally asleep when I realize I'll have to learn to get out of the house more often. I reckon the reason I feel so miserable at home is because it was Prim's home too.
Slowly, with many lost days, I come back to life.
I dress in my father's hunting jacket and walk outside. I hear the cicadas far away and hope their buzzing is announcing a warmer day is ahead. I find a tree and sit under its branches to rest my head. I see the geese in v formation and welcome them back with a smile; spring must really be here. I wonder if Haymitch really will take up the chore of raising them. I thought he was joking, but he seemed very serious about it after Plutarch asked him if he'd like to mentor some aspiring singers for his new tv show. I shake it off when I think that if Haymitch starts raising geese, there is no doubt Peeta or I will be stuck taking care of them. Or maybe not. If there is one thing the rebellion showed me is that Haymitch is a little box of surprises. Between having to mentor two fallen victors like me and Peeta or geese, I'd choose geese too.
I wonder what day it is. I stopped keeping track so long ago but if the weather tells me something, it must be the end of April. About six years ago I was so anxious for April to be gone so I could sign up for tessarae. I wonder if the generations to come will even know what it means. I hope not. Despite my own reasons for shooting Coin, I know we won't have to go through misery and oppression again, at least not anytime soon. Paylor was the one who gave me permission to see Snow at the mansion. She allowed me in so I could see with my own eyes that getting rid of Snow alone would not be enough. I guess to this point, I trust her. Though I'm not sure I should trust anyone anymore.
From where I'm sitting I can see Peeta is up and baking again. The lights are on and the smell from the wood oven can easily reach me. I have no idea how, but he seems to be doing fine, more than fine actually. He seems to be healing. I can't be sure, though, since our exchanges have been only cordial over bread at breakfast. If anything, he screams at night just like I do, gasping for air and afraid of opening our eyes just in case the nightmare is real.
If that is the case, why hasn't he come to confide in me? Why is he behaving like Greasy Sae's little helper instead of my friend? I shrug. I know the answer and I just don't want to accept it. In the end, I screwed everything up. I not only lost Gale, but Peeta will never look at me the same again. He's probably just being nice to me because of Dr. Aurelius, and because, as much as they tried, the Capitol did not succeed in erasing all the kindness in his character.
I decide to go to the woods and pick some berries. I'd rather not hunt as the weight of my bow on my shoulders reminds me of war right now. The time the crazy girl shot the wrong president for killing her sister. I make it to the meadow and see Thom and a couple of other men rebuilding the Seam. It was much easier to clean up the rubble of our unstable shacks here than in town, so no wonder they can rebuild sooner. Thom gestures at the woods, asking if it's my destination today. I nod and realize he's probably thinking whether he'll have to carry me back home today once more. Although the primroses Peeta had planted made me feel somewhat renewed, it wasn't enough to prepare me for facing burnt bodies and the memories of Gale I keep beyond the fence. Just in case, I don't go that far in.
I'm surprised to find some blueberries this early in the season, enough to make a pie. I think Peeta would like that. I also find some strawberries but decide to eat them myself. They're so sweet and juicy I don't need anything else for breakfast. No wonder the Mayor loved them so much. Maybe he's out here in the woods with Madge looking for strawberries too. I don't care what Thom said he found. I refuse to believe they did not escape. Sweet Madge, who had been my friend all along, who gave me my Mockingjay pin, had to have escaped. I realize, this is the only way I am able to deal with my memories without breaking down, by focusing on the best from each person when they were alive and making them immortal in my head.
I don't stay too long out here. I'm supposed to call Dr. Aurelius today for a session, although I have nothing to say. I wonder if we'll do the same by phone as we did in person and sit quietly on the line while he takes a nap. On second thought, we probably can't get away with that anymore. In the Capitol, when he accepted my silence, I ended up assassinating the new president of Panem.
I drop a handful of chives off at Greasy Sae's and tell her she doesn't need to visit today. She frowns and sizes me up before agreeing to a day off. I want to give Peeta the berries but I don't feel like talking to him right now. To be honest, I don't know what to say and am a bit embarrassed about the odd dandelion episode weeks ago. He didn't bring it up the times he showed up for breakfast and I'd like to keep it that way. So I leave the bag of blueberries on the floor and knock on his front door before running as fast as I can into my house. I lock the door just in case he follows me. I'm right to do it, because in a minute I hear Peeta knocking frantically.
"Katniss, open up! This is ridiculous!" I pretend I don't hear him. Doesn't he know we can't be around each other? "Katniss, I have a spare key. Don't make me use it!"
I'm angry. "What do you mean you have a spare key?" I say as I unlock the door. He looks relieved.
"I don't know. I don't remember well, but I think your mother gave it to me once. You were sick and I brought you bread a lot," he says scratching his temple.
"You brought me cheese buns," I reply while trying to hide the smirk that invades my face.
"Yes, I thought so. I ordered cheese the other day, maybe I can make some when it arrives?" He sounds hopeful, but I don't know why he's doing this. He should hate me. Why doesn't he?
"Look, Peeta, you don't need to do this. Bring me bread, check up on me, pretend you're my friend. I know Dr. Aurelius put you up to this, but I'm telling him today it's not necessary. I can do this on my own." I'm lying. I need something to hang on to if I'll make through this.
"Katniss, I'm not pretending. I thought we were friends. Isn't that what we do? We take care of each other. Or why else would you bring me blueberries?" he says while he grabs a chair and sits his elbows on the kitchen table. He looks exhausted and I recognize the dark shade around his eyes because I'm wearing it too. The nights are tough for the both of us.
"I'm sorry. I thought you would like to make a pie." I give in and sit down too. My short trip to the woods has drained me of all my energy.
"I... I don't remember how. I remember bread and frosting. That's all. The only cake recipe I know is the one I used for Finnick's wedding cake. Everything else is lost."
This is killing him and I realize how selfish I can be. Peeta lost a lot more than I did and now even his baking has been compromised. His recipes were all his family left him and he doesn't have that anymore. In the beginning, I thought the Capitol wanted to destroy every memory he had of me, but it became obvious the hijacking was also intended to destroy every memory he had of himself. I stop feeling sorry for him when I remember.
"Peeta, the book."
"What book?" he asks me with a puzzled look.
"When you helped me work on my family's plant book you told me your father used to do the same, but for baking."
"Yes, Katniss. Every baker has a recipe book, even my father could not store every ingredient in his mind. But it probably burnt down when, you know..."
He's holding on to the table and there's pain in his eyes. It's my fault for bringing this up but at least I think I know how fix it. I take his right hand and walk him outside towards his house. I'm not even sure I'll find it but if there's a chance it will help Peeta's memory, I should try to. The place is spotless and so organized I feel sorry for the mess I'm about to make. I open all of the kitchen cupboards but there's nothing except for dishes, pots, and a few supplies. It isn't in his study either. The room is an exact replica of mine and it looks like it has never been touched. I turn on my heel to go upstairs but Peeta doesn't move.
"Come on," I wave him up. He still doesn't budge.
"What are you doing, Katniss? Except for making a mess of course," he says and crosses his arms at me.
"Just help me find it, will you?" My first instinct is to go to his bedroom, but I'm embarrassed to do it. I continue in the hallway and turn to the room on the left. I turn the handle to open it and Peeta jumps in front of me.
"I don't want you in there." He looks nervous and pale.
"Why?" I ask.
"Just... just whatever you're looking for it's not there," he insists.
Peeta used to be so open and honest with me I am surprised by his refusal to let me in. I need to know the reason. "Peeta, what's in there?"
"Memories which I haven't been able to deal with myself. Dr. Aurelius told me to ease in to it."
I consider what he said and realize what's behind the door. If it's memories then it's exactly where I have to go. I knock his hand off the handle and push through. The room is covered with canvases of all sizes, some are empty but most are paintings of a series of Peeta's life events. He took his talent a lot more seriously than I did during the Victory Tour, so it's no wonder there are so many. I walk closer to the ones I recognize the most, little scenes from the cave from our first games. I remember avoiding them a year ago, but I cherish them now I almost want to hang them on the walls. Snapshots of a time when we had no idea what our actions could amount to. These are little bits of his memories brought into life by Peeta himself. They're so precious I have a bizarre feeling of gratitude towards the Capitol for not bombing our houses. I look behind me and find Peeta still standing at the door, looking away. I don't care what Dr. Aurelius said, this is important and he has to see it. I take his hand and lead him in.
"Look Peeta, this is me washing your clothes after I found you. Do you remember that?" He looks up for a second, and then turns away again.
"Are they all real?" he asks.
"Yes. They're all pre-hijacking. Though I'm sure the mist around me in this one was a result of fever and blood poisoning." That one painting is still the hardest to place.
"I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss," he says with a smirk.
I smile back when I see how helpful this can be. The vision in the paintings is something no one can take away from Peeta. This reminds me of why I came over here and I look around the room in search of parchment. I move an empty canvas around and find it on the floor. It looks unfinished, but it's exactly what I thought I would find. I grab it and take it over to him.
"Here, take a look. You once told me over cheese buns you'd like to make your own version of my family book. Not just recipes like your father's, but with sketches so they'd be easier to remember," I say.
The light in his eyes tells me he remembers. There's a sketch of a wedding cake with at least half a dozen recipes carefully printed in Peeta's handwriting. The next page displays a recipe for peanut butter cookies, chocolate cupcakes, and raisin scones. There's a whole section just for buns. Rosemary, bacon, onion, and, of course, cheese. With each page Peeta's smile grows wider. By the time he finds the ingredient list for a blueberry pie, he's laughing.