Chapter 6

I don't remember when Peeta left. All I know is that the sun is shining on my face and the phone won't stop ringing. I'm lying on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, fighting Buttercup off because he won't stop scratching the side table and the noise is almost as annoying as the phone. Since Buttercup seems to be winning this battle, I decide to give in and get the phone. I assume it's my mother. Who else would call me this early? Then I remember it's my birthday, so it could be anyone.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Oh, hi Catnip," the caller replies. Only one person in the world calls me Catnip and the thought of him sends shivers down my spine. Except it is not his voice I hear. This is a woman's voice.

"Hi, Johanna."

"What? No reaction? And I had picked my first sentence so carefully. Can't say I'm disappointed, you're not one for jokes anyway."

"No, I'm not."

"Peeta would have laughed at it," she adds. The truth is that he wouldn't, because taunting me by imitating a friend I lost isn't funny in anyone's world besides Johanna's. Or maybe he would. I remember the way he teased Finnick about trying to take Annie away from him back in District 13. Except that he wasn't teasing, he was very serious. I shake this off and just hope that Johanna's odd sense of humour hasn't rubbed off on Peeta.

"Sure. How are you?" I ask her. This is my effort to be polite. I guess Johanna became some kind of friend, though, since neither of us seems to be very good at this, we seem to be closer when we're not speaking.

"Progressing. This is the word Dr. Aurelius uses for everything nowadays. He told me to call you. Something about you turning eighteen."

"Yes, thanks. And progressing is good, it's the best we can hope for."

"I guess. I can take more showers now. It was that or accepting a spinster's fate. Because, you know, showers are sort of important." She chuckles. Then she tells me about District 7 and how she's going to District 4 next week to help Annie out. The baby's coming soon and she'll need as much support as she can get. I think about Finnick, and I suppose Johanna does too, because we're both silent on the line for more than a minute. And then she says goodbye. For some reason I think that her phone calls with Peeta must be very different. They actually share things. While I'd like to know more about Johanna, I'm fine the way we are. It is the feeling that Peeta can connect to her in a way I'll never be able to that bothers me. He doesn't omit things from me, but I'm no longer his only confidant when he's struggling with tracker jacker infected memories and the loss of his family. What happened between the nights when my body next to his was all he needed to keep away his fears and these nights when we wake up screaming in separate beds? So much. So much happened.

I shake this thought off my head. I refuse to think through my feelings for Peeta. Not when we're this broken. Not when he's lost his family and I lost Prim. Not when I keep hearing "Hey, Catnip" in my head. I wonder if Gale will call. Probably not. I think our last conversation was definitive of our situation. Irreparably damaged. Still, I miss him. I search myself for what exactly I miss about him. His smile, his voice, his arms, his way of understanding me. His lips? Surprisingly, no. Then again, how can I think about kissing anyone ever again when I've got the miserable aftermath of a rebellion to deal with? We're better off this way. I think of Johanna and her refusal to be alone forever. Not me, I should accept my spinster's fate. Just me in this house and this stupid cat.

"See what you did, you stupid fur ball? You turned me into a cat lady," I tell Buttercup. He hisses at me and I hiss back at him. Hissing seems to be our only effective way of communicating anyway.

The phone rings again and I wonder if this will happen all day. I'm not in the mood to talk, so I consider pulling a Haymitch and ripping it off the wall. Then I remember I'm not supposed to do anything to my phone. Dr. Aurelius needs to keep track of me, after all. Considering that he did send a phone company technician over that time I lied about phone problems, if I actually damage the device he might show up in person to fix it. I pick up the phone again.

"Katniss?"

"Hi, mom." I'm about to ask her how she is and I hear the sobbing. "Why are you crying?"

"I... I found something with my things from District 13. I've had the box here with me for a long time, but I was afraid to open it. In case I found anything of hers." She takes a long pause. I let her. If this will be a topic of conversation today, I'd rather not speak. She finally continues. "Anyway. Annie was here, I'm helping her with the pregnancy. And I asked her to find me some clean cloth in the closet, but she found the box instead. And there's something I think you should have, so I sent it over. I hope it arrives in time for today. Happy birthday!"

"What is it?" I want to know just in case I should avoid it when it gets here. I have a feeling it may be something that could open up another bruise.

"Just wait till it gets there, ok?" She takes a deep breath. My mother was good with words once, and then my father died. I guess I learned from her that silence could be a friend. I can tell she's struggling to find the words, so I help her out.

"Mom, it's okay. I understand you can't come back."

"I'm not shutting out again, Katniss. I promise. I... I just need time."

"Me too." We both need time, so she tells me she loves me and hangs up.

I can't take any more phone calls like this, so I better get out of the house. I go upstairs and take a bath. I lie there with my head almost submerged, just enough so I don't hear a sound other than the water in my ears. I lose track of time and my skin feels like a prune when I finally get out. I think about where to go. I want to see Peeta. It's almost lunchtime and I haven't heard from him. There's still some cake where he left it, so he must think I don't need him to bring me bread today. It's strange, but we don't spend much time outside of meals or preparing food. Does he think that's what we are? Meal companions? I hope not. In case he does think that, I decide to go see him and not eat anything. Even if he shoves cheese buns on my face.

I head over to his house. It's locked. Peeta doesn't lock it if he's home, so he must be somewhere else. What do I do now? I feel awkward on my birthdays. I don't like the attention. Besides, birthdays before I was twelve only meant I was one year closer to the reaping. Even after that, every year of my life also meant Prim would be twelve soon. I wanted to avoid the year of her first reaping as much as I could. If only I knew then what would follow from that one reaping day.

I decide to walk back home when something catches my eye. It's a man in regular clean clothes tending to birds in the distance. I have to check this out myself so I run to Haymitch's backyard. He has a small fence around it now. I remember seeing Thom build it the other day, though I didn't give it too much thought then. Of course it's to keep the geese inside. I watch Haymitch from outside. He's focused and doesn't see me. This is a whole new Haymitch. He's sober, yet he's not grumpy. At least not like when we were filming propos and he took his lack of alcohol out on me. Not that it bothered me that much. Haymitch and I have a way of understanding each other. At first I thought it was because of our survival instincts, but after Peeta's hijacking I realized there was much more to it. It's almost like we're family to each other. In our own awkward way.

"Hey, Mockingjay. I didn't see you there. So what do you think? They're getting fat already." He's pointing as the goslings. They're running around and two of them are bickering about a specific spot under a tree. This is turning out to be a very hot day and I wouldn't mind some shade either.

"They're looking all right. You too, Haymitch," I smile at him.

"I get by, sweetheart. Now, how about a drink? Summer must be arriving earlier this year. In any case, we should get inside."

I follow him into his kitchen and realize that by a "drink" Haymitch did mean liquor. I thought he was done with it. He looks sober and clean and he's about to ruin it with alcohol. "Haymitch, where did you get the white liquor?"

"Sae. She's importing it now. Very entrepreneurial of her. Don't worry, though. I'm in control. Just this one today. For the special occasion." He winks. I'm glad he stops there, the birthday thing is starting to make me sick to my stomach. Haymitch offers me some lemonade and cookies. I don't know where he got the lemons, but the cookies were clearly made by Peeta. There's such detail in the icing.

Haymitch is staring at me and I see a question hanging from his lips. "Spit it out," I tell him. There's no point in beating around the bushes when it comes to him.

"I saw the boy leaving your house last night. Late last night." He pauses, expecting me to interrupt him anyway. I don't. I'd rather see where he's going with this and let him continue. "So what are you now? Star-crossed lovers of District 12 again?"

"No. Why does it matter?" I'm annoyed. Haymitch knows I hate being called that and he does it on purpose.

"Nothing. As long as you're not trying to kill each other, I'm good with it." He winks again.

I don't know if he does it to irritate me or to get me to really say what's on my mind. Either way, he gets both. "I screwed up, Haymitch. You were right. I don't deserve him. Maybe if I had loved him enough, he could have endured. Maybe his mind wouldn't have been so far gone. Maybe he'd be doing better today. I should have given him more to hold on to, and I didn't. I didn't know then how much reality matters. I didn't know the impact all my acting would have on him. Not under these circumstances." I take a deep breath and wait for Haymitch to say something. He doesn't. He just stares at me while he carves the table with the knife in his right hand. The knife snaps a piece of the wood and he breaks the silence.

"I'm going to say something just this one time, sweetheart. Pay attention to it closely." He cleans his throat and stares into my eyes. "Cut the crap, okay? You weren't acting. You were feeling things you didn't understand and, I don't know, probably refused to think through. The Capitol, the arenas, they just developed the scenarios for something that would happen anyway if you got to know each other. You may not know this yet, but that feeling you always talk about, of owing him for that bread, it's more than just debt. One could even call it love. The Capitol just gave it a little push." I want to protest, but he shushes me. "Like I said, you may not know this yet, but I think you will. So whatever this is, what you two are up to again, just get rid of the self-pity and blame. There's no need for that. You are both alive and that should count for something."

I digest Haymitch's words while he pours himself another drink. I feel there's a back story to his advice, but I don't push it. Some bruises are better left untouched. Instead, I focus on how many times I thought I would die, that Peeta would die, that we'd both die. I remember the moment when I accepted my death as a sweeter alternative than returning to District 12 without Peeta. All of that, and still, we both lived. Haymitch's right, that should count for something.

I leave him to his solitude. I can tell that what he said stirred up some memories within him and there's nothing I can say to him that will help more than that bottle. I certainly would consume the whole thing if Peeta had died too. This thought makes me want to see him even more than this morning. I have to check on him, make sure he's still alive. I'm sure the fear of Peeta's death will never leave me. His house is still locked. Maybe he's inside. Maybe he's in pain. Panic settles. If he's in pain, I need to help him. I call out his name. No response. I call him again and this time I hear his voice. He's behind me.

"What's happening, Katniss? Is everything okay? You were calling me," he says.

He's alive. He looks well too. He's not in pain. In my eagerness to ensure that he's okay, I jump at him and wrap my arms around his neck. It's clear to me that I caught him off guard, because we both hit the ground. Except there's no snow to break our fall like the last time I made him lose his balance in front of his house, before our Victory Tour, while cameras recorded every second of it. I'm lying on top of him. He's staring at me. I can almost feel it, and then he looks away. He got a scratch on his elbow. So unlike last time we fell on this very spot, his lips do not touch mine. Instead, he gently pushes me away and tends to his injury. He's bleeding. Great. The moment I try to protect him from any more pain, I cause him to bleed out of his arm. I help him up, though he doesn't seem too bothered by the scratch.

"This is funny. I feel like this has happened before." He says, scratching his temple. "Except that it was cold and I wasn't bleeding."

"Yes, the beginning of our Victory Tour. You were still getting used to your leg and I was being reckless. Like now."

"It's alright, I just need a bandage. This is the first time I can recall that day without the memory being shiny. Without my head telling me you were tackling me to the ground, to hurt me."

"I'm glad you remember. I'm sorry this time I did hurt you."

"It's alright, really." He ponders a thought for a while. "Last time we kissed. It was our first kiss since we returned."

"Yes, it was." I'm blushing. I turn around and start walking Peeta to my house so I can clean his bruise, hoping he won't notice my face.

He stops me. "I remember that one feeling more real. More than the ones in the cave, anyway. What changed? Did you miss me?" I refuse to look at him when I nod. I need to be honest with him if I am to help him make sense of the past. From the corner of my eye, I see a smirk. Then he runs back to where we fell and comes back with a package. "I almost forgot this," he says. "Your mother asked me to pick it up at the station, just in case you didn't. It's for you."

We arrive at my house and I put a bandage on his elbow before turning my attention to the package. It's small. I wonder what's inside. I wonder if what's inside could make me fall apart. I'm afraid.

"Peeta, would you open it for me? If it's something that belonged to Prim, just leave it." I can't deal with it.

He carefully tears the paper around the box. "There's a note, it's from your mother. She says: Prim got this for you when you joined the squad to go to the Capitol. She meant to give it to you before you left, but she couldn't find it. It ended up among her school material. But here it is." He holds out the small object. He looks slightly confused. "Katniss, is this that locket I gave you?"

"No, that one is upstairs. The resemblance is uncanny though." Why would Prim give me another locket? Then it hits me. The symbolism behind Peeta's gesture at the beach, trying to convince me to fight on for the people whose photos that locket carried. The Capitol mission would be my final battle. Prim would want me to fight on too. I take the locket off Peeta's hand and open it. Staring at me is a photo of Peeta himself, with the sincere smile of a healthy mind. Of a boy who loved me. Something worth fighting for. It's like she knew it all along.

A/N: Sorry this took so long. Busy week. Anyway, this chapter is more of a continuation of the previous one, there's why there is no original line from the text here. Hope you enjoyed it.