The heaviness of the night still upon them, neither Fiona nor Holly J could sleep. The redhead turned her body over and looked at her friend, who was lying there with her eyes on the ceiling. Maybe she'd been wrong. Maybe Fiona feels more strongly than I realized, Holly J thought to herself as she saw the state of depression that her best friend seemed to be in. Immediately she sat up in bed, shifting loudly and causing the brunette's gaze to shift to her.
"Are you okay?" Fiona asked quietly.
"I should be the one asking you that." Holly J countered, regarding the other girl with a mingled expression of concern and...something Fiona couldn't quite make out. Was it pity? The younger girl sat up in bed, offering her friend a smile as consolation.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just trying to figure out what I'm going to say to Imogen tomorrow."
"You really like her, don't you?" Holly J softened.
"Yeah. I do. I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?" She seemed so certain before. Why was she faltering now? Holly J couldn't help but wonder what their earlier exchange had been like, but Fiona didn't show any signs of wanting to divulge those details.
"Every girl I like is a different situation. I mean there's you...and then the whole Charlie thing, which was obviously a mistake. I just thought maybe this time would be different. I'm so sick of being alone." Fiona sounded miserable. Holly J hated seeing her this way and wished desperately that there was something she could do.
"You'll find someone, Fi." She encouraged her. She really believed this. But Fiona was such a special person, it would take her a long time to find someone who truly deserved her. Holly J didn't think Imogen was that person, but she didn't really know her well enough to fairly judge. Besides, she was a little biased.
"I just want what you and Declan have." Fiona's words revealed a jealousy that had always been present, even though said jealousy was severely misplaced at the moment.
Holly J stared at her, a bit stunned. "You know we're not together anymore."
"Please. We all know you're going to end up together. It's like some stupid romance movie." She picked at her pillow, an edge to her voice.
"Fi. Fiona. Look at me." Holly J demanded. It took Fiona a moment to comply.
"What?"
"Declan was my first love. They say you'll always love your first love...but it's different. We're not getting back together, okay?" Holly J took a breath. "Just because we both go to Yale, it doesn't fix the problems we had. We're two different people. I just, I don't think we're meant to be. And I'm okay with that."
"Why are you telling me this?" Fiona wondered.
"I...just thought you should know."
"I always felt that if I couldn't be with you, I at least wanted you with him." Fiona admitted. At Holly J's confused look, she continued, explaining why she felt that way. "You know. So you'd always be...close."
"I will. I always will be." Holly J uttered, suddenly grasping for Fiona's hand and holding it more tightly than she intended. "I promise."
"Um, ow." Fiona's eyebrows lifted in confusion about the tightness of Holly J's grasp. Her friend immediately let go, shooting her an apologetic look. "You can't promise that. You're going to meet some wonderful guy, fall head over heels, get married, have kids...and I'll just be me. Alone forever."
"What makes you think you won't be with Imogen?"
"HJ. Come on. I'm not that dumb. I mean yeah we like each other, but that doesn't mean we're going to spend our lives together."
"Do you love her?"
"I..." Fiona laughed softly, shaking her head. "No, of course not. I don't know her that well. Like I said, we like each other. It's a crush, it's not love. It could be, someday, but not if I stay in New York."
"I just want you to be happy. That's all I want."
"I know."
Their words hung in the air and Fiona glanced down, her fingers still entangled in her best friend's. An unreadable expression on her face, she pulled her hand away and rose from the bed, smoothing out her pajamas. "Be right back." She announced before making her way out of the bedroom.
Holly J leaned against the headboard, her eyebrows furrowed. It seemed like Fiona was taking this hard, she had barely smiled at all since she'd spoken to Imogen and it was unlike her to be so negative. She wondered if there was anything she could do to help, making a vow to make sure that Fiona had a great time in New York. If her best friend decided that coming back to Degrassi was really what she wanted to do, well, she wouldn't stand in her way. But Holly J wasn't the obstacle-her mother was. Fiona was typically great with convincing people to do things they didn't want to do, but somehow this seemed too serious for even the Coyne charm to change. It was probably dawning on her friend that she really was about to leave Toronto and Degrassi tomorrow, and she might never be back.
Meanwhile, Fiona stood in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror as she splashed cold water on her face. Why couldn't she just go to sleep and get this night over with, say goodbye to Imogen and flash forward to the end of winter break so she could come back to Degrassi? The more she thought about it, the more she realized this was going to be difficult. She had to convince her mother that she should stay in Toronto, but if they were having as many money issues as what everyone said-her mom, the lawyers, etc.-there was no way her family could afford the loft. She sighed, wiping her face with a towel and looking at her reflection. Something else was bothering her. Something huge.
She wasn't ready to return to her bedroom, so Fiona took a seat on the counter, crossing her legs as she turned everything over in her mind. She thought about the kisses she shared with Imogen, how much she'd enjoyed spending time with her for the past few months. Yes, she had a huge crush on Imogen Moreno. She wished it was that simple. She contemplated Holly J in the other room. She'd been away from her for so long, she'd almost forgotten how she felt. Fiona assumed those feelings were dead and gone but the arrival of Holly J brought the return of those feelings, making her even more confused. She was still in love with her best friend. Now she was going to have to make a serious decision. Should she go out of her way to try to make things work with Imogen, or should she stay in New York with her family...and Holly J. To be honest with herself, Fiona really didn't know which she would choose, and she didn't have long to decide. Winter break would fly by and she needed to make the decision as soon as possible. If she were going to attempt to return to Degrassi, there was a lot of prep work to be done. Hopping off the counter, Fiona wiped a stray tear from beneath her eye and opened the bathroom door, ready to face Holly J.
Unaware of how long Fiona had been gone, Holly J was lost in her own thoughts. She had spent so much time here consoling her friend that she'd never got to share anything about her own life. She'd said next to nothing about Yale, which was going very well. She had a lot she wanted to talk about, but with the dark shadow of everything that had happened looming over them, she felt like she didn't have a right to say anything. But she was yanked from her selfish thoughts when she heard the floor creak. Looking up, she saw her best friend. Reaching out a hand to her, she smiled when Fiona accepted it. Holly J pulled her onto the bed and took a pillow, hitting her softly in the face with it. As revenge, Fiona grabbed the other pillow and began pummeling the redhead, and the two of them continued hitting each other until they were giggly and out of breath.
"I needed that." Fiona gasped, dropping the pillow onto the bed and pulling herself into an upright position. Holly J grinned, happy she'd finally provided a distraction. "So, I realize that since you've gotten here it's been all me all the time. You haven't really got a chance to tell me anything. How's Yale? You said you weren't seeing Declan, but have you met any cute guys? Are you acing your classes? Making loads of friends?" She actually sounded interested. Holly J beamed, crossing her arms and wondering where to begin. She had a lot to say and she knew some of it would come as a surprise.
"Welllllll."
"Come on, spill!" Fiona nudged her, waiting for some juicy intel about college life. After all it was only a year away for her and she was dying to know what university was like.
"Yale is great. I'm loving my classes, doing pretty well. I did get a C on this paper but I'm not sweating it, because I think I aced the final. I've made a few friends, my roommate was horrible..." She was deliberately leaving out one aspect of Fiona's questions, but she hoped her friend wouldn't notice.
"Oooh. The roommate, right, that has to be totally weird, living with a stranger. What was so horrible about her?" Fiona asked curiously.
"For one thing, she overplucked her eyebrows. She used fake tanner so much she was oompa loompa orange. And she was just really snooty. She brought boys to the room all the time, I spent half my nights in the library. Luckily I only have one more semester with her." Holly J sighed, remembering her terrible experiences with her roommate Tiffany.
"You never answered my other question. About the boys. Come on, I've been dishing on my love life all night, give me something." She said.
"There's nothing to tell. I didn't meet any boys I liked." Holly J was telling the truth. Fiona looked at her skeptically.
"What, but you met some girls?" She snorted at her own joke.
"Um."
The single syllable caught her off guard. First, Fiona's eyes widened. Then she looked confused. Next, hurt. She sat there wordlessly staring at Holly J, her heart pounding. No, this sounded like something from a porno. Girls didn't really go to college to experiment did they? Holly J especially, that just wasn't possible. But something about the way her friend was looking at her confirmed it.
"Kidding!" Holly J laughed, playfully patting her friend on the knee before jumping up from the bed. Fiona wasn't convinced. The look she'd seen on Holly J's face was one of panic. There's no way she'd been kidding...