It was quiet in the house when he entered. Not even the TV was going in the living room like it had been for the passed few days, letting Kendall know he was out much later than he originally intended. "Shit." He cursed under his breath, quietly shutting the door behind him and walking through the dark house, up the stairs to his bedroom.
He let out a nervous breath when he saw his husband sleeping soundly in the bed they shared and had been sharing for the passed five years. He swallowed the guilt that swelled in his chest, but it didn't do anything to relieve him. He still felt guilty, if not guiltier, for trying to ignore the emotion.
The guilt should eat him alive.
He tip-toed around the bed to his dresser where he started changing as quietly as he possibly could. He pulled off his shirt and slipped on a pair of grey sweats before he slowly climbed into bed beside Logan. He watched the brunet's chest rise and fall, a soft smile gracing his features in his sleep. Kendall blinked back tears, truly loathing himself for ever doing such a thing to someone so undeserving.
His breath hitched when Logan's face contorted as he shifted awake. Brown eyes fluttered opened to meet his green ones, and the small smile grew. "You're home." Logan muttered tiredly.
"Yeah…" Kendall bit his lip when his voice croaked around the lump in his throat.
"What time is it?" Logan yawned, lifting his head to glance at the table clock that sat on Kendall's side of the bed. "It's almost three in the morning. Why is coach keeping you so late?"
"Th-the guys and I went out after practice and we lost track of time." He lied easily.
Logan nodded, accepting the explanation without a second thought and it made Kendall's heart ache more. The short boy then scooted closer to him, wrapping his arms around his torso as he pressed a loving kiss to his lips. "Glad you're home." He whispered. "We haven't gone to sleep together in so long because of all these late night practices. I miss you."
"I miss you too, Logie." Kendall said quietly, sighing as Logan leaned forward again, sealing their lips together in a deep, long kiss.
Kendall pulled the shorter boy closer to his body, clinging to him as he kissed back. He tried to say everything he didn't know how to say in the kiss. Logan moaned, slowly pulling back with a smirk. "Do you know what else we haven't done in a while?"
The blond inhaled sharply, arousal and transgression washing over him as Logan pulled the taller on top of him. Their touches were soft, and his movements were slow and loving. There were constant whispers of I love you laced between their quiet moans, and Logan was clinging to him, looking up into his eyes as he pushed over the edge. Kendall nearly cried, the moment so overwhelming and beautiful.
He was still holding back tears as he rolled back onto his side of the bed, Logan's body immediately curling into him, muttering about how amazing it was. Kendall agreed, telling the brunet once again how much he loved him, and kissing him over and over until Logan finally drifted off the sleep.
And Kendall stayed awake with a feeling of deep regret.
…
Logan rolled his eyes at the loud knocking at his door that came the next evening. "I'm coming!" He huffed, swinging the door open.
He shouldn't have been surprised to see James and Carlos standing at his door. "What's up, Mr. Knight?" Carlos asked with a slight teasing tone.
Logan knew it was silly, but even after five years his heart still fluttered whenever someone called him that. "Nothing much." The brunet stepped aside, allowing his friends to enter his home.
"Where's the other Mr. Knight?" James asked, looking around for the blond.
"He had to work late." Logan sighed, falling onto his couch where all of his medical books were spread out for easy access as he worked.
James frowned, casting a glance toward Carlos who looked confused. "Again?" They asked.
Logan nodded sullenly.
"That's weird." James commented, sitting beside Logan. Carlos nodded in agreement as he went into the married couple's kitchen in search of food. "His coach sure is working him hard lately."
"He says it's for the good of the team." The short brunet said. "I just wish he'd skip out once. They only real alone time we've had together was last night." Logan sighed again. "And that was great and all, but I miss spending actual time with him."
James wrapped a comforting arm around his friend. "I'm sure these late practices will end soon. Until then, you can hang out with me and Carlos." The pretty boy suggested with a smile.
"Yeah, but you need food!" They chuckled at the sound of Carlos slamming another cabinet shut before he entered the living room again. "I'm gonna go get a pizza." He then turned and left the house without another word.
The two brunets let out another laugh, shaking their heads at typical Carlos.
…
Carlos was humming to himself as he waited for his number to be called, signaling that his pizza, bread sticks, and wings were ready. The restaurant was mostly empty, only a few other people entering after him. Just like every other time the bell above the door rang, Carlos looked up, only this time, he froze in shock.
Kendall just walked in with a woman.
The Latino didn't want to jump to conclusions, after all, Kendall was…well, he was Kendall. He was trustworthy and honest with everyone. He wouldn't do something like that. Not to Logan.
But Carlos couldn't shake the feeling because Logan thinks that Kendall is working late.
The tan boy grabbed a menu that sat on the table, hiding his face with it as not to draw attention to himself. He continued to watch the two as they laughed and flirted with one another. He still didn't want to believe it, but when Kendall leaned in and kissed the mysterious woman, Carlos had to face the facts.
Kendall was cheating on Logan.
When the pair left with a waitress to be seated in the actual restaurant, Carlos lowered the menu with a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Should he get up and confront his friend? Keep what he saw to himself? Kendall and Logan were married, and a married couples business was a married couple's business.
Finally, his number was called and he decided to hurriedly grab his order and get back to Logan. He rushed through the door of Logan's home, making the two brunet's jump in surprise. "I got food." The short boy grinned uneasily. "James, come help me."
The pretty boy's brows furrowed. "Help you with what?"
"Just come help me!" Carlos said, a little too loudly, as he rushed off the the kitchen.
James shrugged at Logan's look of confusion, following Carlos into the kitchen. "What's up with you?" He asked.
Carlos let out a nervous breath. "Kendall isn't working late." He said. "I saw him at the restaurant with some woman."
James' eyes widened. "Are you sure?" It was clear that he didn't want to believe the obvious either. "She could have just been a co-worker…"
"On an all male hockey team?" Carlos' eyes narrowed at James. "Even if it were a member of his hockey team, a married man shouldn't be frenching anyone who isn't his spouse."
The tall boy's jaw fell in shock only for a moment before he was groaning, hands running through his hair out of nervous habit. "How are we going to tell Logan?"
"We're not." Carlos answered immediately.
"What?"
"This is between Kendall and Logan."
James glared at the short boy. "We can't hang out with Logan, knowing that Kendall is out there cheating on him."
"It's not our place to say anything. Logan should hear it from Kendall."
James' leg bounced in irritation as he thought. "Fine." He grumbled. "But I'm gonna have a little talk with Kendall."
…
"You are a piece of work, Kendall Knight" was the first thing Kendall heard when he walked into his home.
The blond jumped, heart leaping into his throat as he briefly thought that it was Logan who had waited up for him, but when he turned around he relaxed when he saw James. "Dude, you scared me." He sighed, placing a hand over his rapidly beating heart. "What are you doing here?"
"Logan was left alone…again. So, Carlos and I stayed with him." James took a menacing step forward. "Where have you been?"
Kendall shrugged nonchalantly, but his heart was still beating loudly in his ears. "Hockey practice."
"This late?"
"Logan knows I have late practices." Kendall rolled his eyes, moving to step around James.
The taller boy side-stepped him, blocking his path. "Do you?" The brunet crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
The blond hesitated, slightly shaken by the dark tone and hard gaze, but quickly recovered. "Why am I on trial here?" He chuckled lightly.
"Stop with the innocent act, Kendall." James' eyes narrowed further. "I know that you've been cheating on Logan. I just don't get why. He's been nothing but a good friend and husband and you pull this?"
"I don't have to explain anything to you!"
"No, but you owe Logan an explanation you little shit!"
"What's going on?" Logan came down the stairs with Carlos rushing behind him.
"Nothing, Logie." Kendall said, noticing the death glare James was giving him out of the corner of his eye.
"It's not nothing." James spoke up.
"James!"
"Carlos!" The pretty boy directed his glare toward the short boy on the stairs.
"Kendall," Logan ignored the two other boys, looking to his husband with worried eyes. "What's going on?" He asked again.
"I…" Kendall's face twisted, fighting off every urge to keep lying to his lover. He let out a loud sigh, eyes starting to sting with tears. "I haven't been working late. There haven't been any late night practices or dinners with the team."
Logan shrugged, not seeing what a big deal it was. "Then what have you been doing?"
Kendall paused, cowering slightly under the intense gazes of his friends. "…There's this woman…"
That caught the brunet's attention, brown eyes growing confused and worried. "W-what?"
"We met at an away game." Kendall continued, unable to meet the other's eyes. "It shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry, Logie. I'm really sorry."
"You…you're…" The genius blinked back tears, shaking his head in disbelief. "Please tell me you're joking." He moved forward, taking Kendall's hands in his, trying to get a good look in the green eyes he's come to love so much, but Kendall still refused to look at him. "Kendall, please."
"I'm sorry, Logie…" was all the blond could say.
Logan's hands were shaking as he dropped Kendall's hands, taking a few steps backwards. Tears were running down his cheeks, and his stomach…his stomach was lurching. He was actually amazed that he hadn't thrown up. "Logan…" Carlos came up behind the genius, touching him gently.
James was on his other side next, a cold, wet rag being dabbed on his face and neck. "Logan, breathe." The pretty boy instructed.
Logan did as he was told, not even noticing the lack of oxygen making it to his brain, but once he did everything was coming into perspective. More tears spilled from his eyes then and sobs racked his body only to be muffle by the shoulder he was crying into. He didn't know if it was James or Carlos that was hugging him, but he didn't care.
All the commotion around him went unnoticed by him. The next thing he knew, he was being pulled from his home, Kendall yelling for him to wait and to listen. For them to do the adult thing and talk, but James and Carlos kept moving, getting him and some of his things into James' car before they were driving off.
He didn't dare look back.
He just listened as Kendall's calls for him faded.
…
Kendall fidgeted nervously at the table of the restaurant. He had been sitting a waiting for Logan to show up for about twenty minutes, and he was starting to worry that the brunet wouldn't show up.
He was trying to stay confident. Logan called him and told him that he wanted to meet up and talk. It had been the first time in weeks since he had heard his husband's voice and he eagerly agreed to meet him.
He had to apologize to the genius face. Ignored calls sent to voicemail and texts that were never answered weren't enough. Logan deserved an explanation for why he was such an idiot—the explanation he didn't get to give when Logan first discovered the news.
Finally the bell over the restaurant door rang and Kendall was excited to see Logan stepping inside. He stood, waving the shorter man over who did so with a blank expression. Logan finally settled into the chair across from him and Kendall couldn't keep the smile off of his face from being able to finally see the other in person. "Hey, Logie." The blond let out a breath, attempting to calm himself because even after so long, those brown eyes were still avoiding him. "I missed you." He tried instead.
Then he was met with a quiet, "Don't" in response, making his smile fall.
Kendall sighed again, looking down at the table with guilt settling heavy in his heart. "I…I'm really glad you decided to finally talk."
"I figured you deserved an explanation for why I suddenly took off." Logan said in that same soft, distant tone.
"No, no, Logie," Kendall shook his head, taking Logan's hand in his. "you're the one who deserves an explanation."
"You don't need to explain anything." Logan glared, wrenching his hand from Kendall's.
"But…" Kendall was beginning to get desperate. "Yes, Logan, I do!"
"Oh, so you didn't cheat on me?" Logan's eyes narrowed further at the taller man, and Kendall backed down instantly, wincing at the harsh tone directed toward him. At the other's silence, Logan rolled his eyes. "Look, I didn't call you to talk about that." He sighed. "I've done a lot of thinking over the last few weeks about me, you, and us." Kendall looked up at the genius hopefully, but Logan still wouldn't meet his gaze. "And…Kendall I want to forgive you, but…I just can't."
Kendall swallowed painfully around the lump in his throat at the words. "Logan, please…"
"No, all I can think about is you with her, and…I can't trust you anymore, Kendall." The short boy shook his head, wiping desperately at his eyes as he pulled a yellow envelope out of the messenger bag he brought with him and slid it across the table to Kendall. "I had our lawyer draw them up so that it's fair to both of us." He mumbled, unable to look as Kendall opened the envelope.
Green eyes welled with tears when he saw the forms in front of him. "Y-you want a d-divorce?" His chest was clenching painfully.
"I can't be with someone I can't trust, and you should be with some who can trust you."
"Logan, please, we can work this out." The blond was once again gripping the other's hand desperately. "Let's just talk before we decide anything."
"There's nothing to talk about. I can't do this anymore, Kendall!" Logan moved away from him, looking at the other with glassy eyes. "When I look at you all I can think about is how you went behind my back and…" Logan sighed, biting his lip. "Just sign them."
Kendall sighed as well, looking down at the papers again. "This is what you want?" When Logan nodded, he did as well, slowly accepting the pen that Logan placed in front of him. He only hesitated a moment longer before signing his name in the appropriate places and handing the forms back to his now ex-husband.
Logan took them, rising to his feet to leave. He paused a few feet from the table, glancing back at the sullen blond. "I'm sorry, Kendall." He said shakily.
Kendall looked up with tear-filled eyes. "I am, too."
…
Kendall takes another swig of the rather bland tasting beer as the lights dim and hates himself a little bit more. He shouldn't even be here, except the blaring music, cheap beer, and flashes of skin are the only thing that distract him from the sadness that plays through his mind like a song on repeat.
Except when he hears the music all he can think about are nights spent in the living room, Logan wrapped in his arms, as they sway to a beat much different than the one found in the strip club.
And when he swallows the beer he remembers candle lit dinners as he smiles at his now ex-husband over a glass of wine.
It's the flesh that's probably the most unhelpful part of Kendall's whole distraction process though. Because it both distracts him from and reminds him of the genius all at once.
When curvacious hips start to rock back and forth Kendall sees them, but he also sees hips, slimmer and harder rocking back and forth in a way that makes his dick twitch with need. When he catches a glimpse of a perky—and probably fake—set of breasts all he can see and feel is a chest, flat and defined as his own and slick with sweat pressed against his.
The girl throws her head back, long brown hair cascading down her shoulders and back in a way that makes the man next to Kendall shudder with desire.
All Kendall can see is Logan, backed arched and toes curled as he cries out any combination of obscenities and Kendall's name as he rides him.
By the time the stripper gets to him to give him his lap dance he's breathing heavily, eyes almost black with lust and achingly hard. He doesn't see the girl as she straddles him, barely clothed. He doesn't feel her soft hips as he reaches forward to grab them. All he sees, all he feels is Logan.
And damn it all to hell, if Logan could see him now, see the desperate withering mess he'd become without the genius, he'd probably give that cocky fucking smirk that he's perfected and walk away knowing that he's the only person who could reduce Kendall Knight to looking for love in a lap dance.
He bucks up as the stripper continues her dance, because even though the only feature she shares with Logan is hair color, he's so far gone at this point that it's easy to pretend it's the little genius on his lap and not some girl who's name he'll never remember.
The girl isn't even phased by this sudden movement. As she shouldn't be. Kendall's been coming in here every night for three weeks and it always ends the same. With the blonde bucking desperately up, searching for some type - any type - of friction until it's too much and he gives a strangled cry of Logan's name and cums in his boxers like he's thirteen years old and going through puberty.
And really, he should just go home because soft, curvacious flesh and perky—but definitely not fake—breasts are what got him into this situation in the first place.
But he can't. He's too drunk to drive and all he wants to do is feel skin on skin so he can close his eyes and pretend that there aren't breasts bouncing in front of his face. That the hips he holds aren't soft, but firm. That the sound of the other men around him are really Logan.
"Fuck! Yes, Kendall! Harder!"
It doesn't even make him feel any better. But at the end, after the stripper climbs off his lap and all of his bones feel like they've been turned to goo, as he comes down from the high of his orgasm, he can almost hear his ex-husband's voice, feel the brunette's breath ghost over the shell of his ear.
"I love you."
That does make him feel better. At least for a little while.
...
Light streaming through Kendall's window wakes him up the next morning. His head is pounding and he can't even remember how he got home last night. He groans burying his head under the covers to try and escape it. It lessens a bit at the loss of light, but doesn't come anywhere near close to going away. He lays like that for a while before the smell of bacon wafts into his room, catching his interest.
He loves bacon.
And then his heart leaps into his throat because the only person with a key to his house is Logan.
He jumps out of bed, barely registering the fact that he's in only his boxers - a new set, thankfully, not the ones he'd messed up last night - and races down the stairs of the house and heads towards the kitchen. His head is still pounding but he doesn't give a damn. He only cares about one thing. And that thing is in the kitchen, cooking bacon.
"Logan!" He bursts into the kitchen, calling the genius' name excitedly.
His heart sinks as the figure at the stove turns to regard him with sad eyes.
"Carlos." The Latino corrects, giving his friend a sympathetic smile as the blonde's face visibly falls. "Sorry."
"H-how did you get in here?"
Carlos sighs, shutting off the stove and moving to drain the grease from the pan. "You called me last night. I picked you up and drove you home. Changed your clothes for you too."
"Oh." As disappointment and pain threaten to tear Kendall's heart in two—or stop it all together—it occurs to him that he should be grateful to his friend. "Thank you." He says quietly, sinking to the floor as tears well up in his eyes.
"Oh, Kendall." The shorter man puts the pan of bacon down and moves to his friend, wrapping him in a hug. It's so odd for Kendall to be the one who needs comforting, he's usually so strong and self assured. But Carlos has always been particularly empathetic, especially towards his three best friends, so his heart goes out to taller blonde. "It's okay, hermano."
Kendall shudders, his body shaking as silent tears run down his face. "I-it's not." He finally chokes out. "It's not okay! And it's never going to be."
Carlos can feel tears of sympathy well up in his own eyes. While he knows that the blonde brought this upon himself by cheating, he can't help but hurt for his friend. Because Kendall loves Logan more than anything and Carlos knows it. He's just a stubborn idiot sometimes and it's finally backfired on him in a way that's too big to fix. There's nothing else he can say to the blonde, nothing that can possibly ease this hurt and he knows it. So instead he just sits there, on the kitchen floor that used to belong to Kendall and Logan, holding onto his friend and rubbing his back soothingly.
"I-I miss him, Carlos!" The blonde finally says, his voice thick from his tears. "I just want him to come home."
The Latino can only nod, knowing that it would do no good to lie to his friend and that the truth would just be too painful for him to hear at the moment. Carlos had only seen Logan a few times since Kendall had signed the divorce papers, letting James handled the genius while he focused his attention on the blonde, but he could tell, just from those few times…
"Coming home" wasn't an option for the brunette, at least not right now. And, if Carlos is being completely and totally honest with himself, it probably never will be.
…
"You want to switch?" Carlos asks, eyebrows raised in surprise.
James nods. "Just for tonight. I've got some things I'd like to say to Kendall and I know you're worried about Logan."
The Latino sighs, clearly still hesitant about the idea. "Well…okay. But listen-" He knows from when they'd compared notes that Logan is not the same mess that Kendall is.
"Don't worry about it, Carlitos." The pretty boy flashes him a smile. "Kendall is my friend. And yes, I'm furious. And yes a part of me hates him. But he's still my friend. I'm not going to kill him."
"No, but you'll hit him."
"I'll probably do that." James admits, not seeing the point in denying what they both know. "But that's how Kendall and I work."
Carlos sighs again. "Okay…take my phone. He's probably going to call me later. That's when you go get him."
"Go get him…Carlos where is he? He's going to know it's me when I pick up the phone."
The shorter man shakes his head, grimacing. "Trust me. He won't be able to tell the difference."
They switch phones and the Latino goes off, headed for work, leaving a very confused James behind.
...
It's not until later that evening, at around one a.m. to be exact, that James gets what Carlos meant. The other man's phone goes off, jerking James awake. He groggily answers it and is immediately meet by the sound of a very drunk Kendall talking to him.
He goes and collects the blonde at a strip club, of all places, and helps him home, throwing his arm around his shoulders to keep him from falling onto the floor.
"Jesus, Kendall." James gasps out as the go stumbling into the drunk man's house. "How much did you have to drink?"
Kendall looks like he's trying to remember, but his gaze keeps coming unfocused and eventually he shakes his head and shrugs. "The usual."
"God, you're a fucking idiot. What the hell were you even doing in a strip club anyways?"
The blonde giggles as he nearly trips over himself as he makes his way to the living room. "What do people usually do in strip clubs?" He snorts and James grits his teeth because his friend has the audacity to sound exasperated.
"You're a mess Kendall."
"Gee, thanks Carlos. I'm going to bed."
"I'm James, you dumbass. And no you aren't. Because I'd liked to talk to you."
Kendall's gazes is unfocused again as he tries to really see the man in front of him. "James?" He frowns. "I thought I'd called Carlos' phone."
"You did." James steps closer. "And Carlos knew you would, so he gave me his phone. How long has this been going on?"
"Three-no four-no…"His frown deepens "Since I signed the divorce papers." He says finally.
"And I bet Carlos has been babying you every night since then."
"Hey!" Kendall crosses his arms, his body swaying at the sudden movement, because the alcohol is seriously messing with his equilibrium. "I'm single now. I can do whatever the hell I want."
At those words, James' already worn thin patience snaps completely. He raises his fist and punches the blonde man so hard he goes sprawling to the ground. Kendall looks up at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. As if he honestly, can't believe that James had hauled back and clocked him. Which James attributes to how drunk the other man is, because that's how they've always been. When their fighting between gets really bad, one usually literally knocks some sense into the other and then it's out of their systems and they can talk like rational people.
"C-Carlos?"
James sighs in aggravation, grabbing the front of Kendall's shirt and hauling him to his feet. "I'm James." He repeats, helping the other man to his bedroom. "Now come on, you need some sleep. We can talk in the morning."
He helps the blonde undress, nose wrinkling in disgust at the sight of his cum stained boxers. "Oh, gross, Kendall. Really?"
Kendall whimpers in response. "Logie," is all he says as James helps him into clean boxers and leads him too bed.
James shakes his head, anger turning into sympathy at the sight of the blonde curled up around a pillow that probably doesn't even smell like Logan anymore, and crying. He keeps repeating the genius' nickname over and over in between sobs.
"Come home, Logie, please."
James' heart goes out to his friend, but he knows that right now all he can do is sit and watch as Kendall cries himself to sleep.
...
"Hey buddy." James calls as he walks into his apartment. Logan has been staying with him ever since the night he and Carlos had pulled the genius out of the house when he'd found out Kendall was cheating on him.
He finds the other man in the bathroom, spiking up his hair with gel. "Hey." He calls out, meeting James' gaze in the reflection of the mirror. "Where were you last night? Date end really well?"
James shakes his head. "No. I went to check up on Kendall."
Logan nods, surprised to find that the mention of his ex-husband's name doesn't hurt as much as it used too. He's not curling up into the fetal position anymore at least. "That would explain why Carlos came over last night."
"Yeah and-" He stops short as he takes notice of Logan's attire. "Why are you so dressed up?"
"Well…" Logan blushes, looking down at his feet. "I have a-a date."
James' eyes widen in shock. "A-are you sure?"
Logan nods. "It's just a lunch date. It's nothing serious but," the brunette sighs, "I'm tired of being lonely. And this guy is nice. We meet at the book store a few days ago and he asked me out for coffee."
"And you said yes?"
The genius bites his lip. "I said I'd think about it. And I decided last night that I was tired of being sad about Kendall." He runs his fingers through his hair, effectively messing up what he'd be trying to do earlier. "A part of me will always love Kendall. But a part of me doesn't think I can ever forgive him for what he did. Or trust him again."
"Oh, Logan. Listen," James' eyes shift to the door nervously. "Kendall… he's, well he's been a real mess without you. And I went over there last night to tell him that he needed to man up and live with his mistakes. That he didn't deserve a second chance and he needed to stop acting like his whole world was ending when he did it to himself…"
"I sense a but coming on."
"But after last night, Logan…his whole world has ended without you." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "You know I'm the last person who would defend him in this situation, and I'm not telling you that you have to give him another chance, because what he did was beyond shitty, but…just give him the chance to explain. You deserve to know why and he deserves the chance to tell you."
Logan sighs. "Where is he?"
Jame at least as the sense to look appropriately guilty. "In the living room."
The genius sighs again and shakes his head. But he moves past the pretty boy and heads towards the living room all the same.
...
"Hey."
Kendall looks up and his eyes widen in shock at the sight of his ex-husband. He looks good, he always looks good, but he's put extra effort into his appearance today. Kendall wants it to be because of him, but he knows logically that the other man had no idea he was even here until a few minutes ago. So obviously it's not.
That thought makes his heart throb painfully.
"Hi…" He breathes out, too mesmerized by the sight of men he loves more than anything finally standing in front of him to do little more than sit there and drink in the sight of him.
Logan sighs and moves to sit in the armchair that's across from the couch. "James says you wanted a chance to explain."
"No! I mean yes! I mean-" The blonde shakes his head, upset at his words for failing him the one time that he needs them the most. "I need to explain to you, Logie. I love you too much to let you walk away thinking anything else. Even, even if you hate me for the rest of your life," he chokes back tears as he says this because he understands that there's a very good possibility that that's what will happen, "I just…needed to explain."
The genius nods, face void of any emotion. "Okay."
He falls silent after that, which Kendall takes to mean that he's waiting for the other man to start talking. He draws in a shaky breath, clasping his hands together so they'll stop shaking, which doesn't really work, but it makes him feel more stable at any rate.
"I'd been feeling, I don't know, off for awhile before the away game where I met that girl. The teams wasn't doing very well and you were always so busy with work and school-"
"I always made time for you Kendall!" Logan cuts in, sounding angry. "You can't possibly try and tell me that it was my fault!"
"I'm not!" Kendall cries out desperately, because he needs Logan to understand. "I'm not saying it's your fault at all. Because it's not. It's mine. But I just, I don't know… I met that woman and she was so flirty and interested and it made me feel good about myself and I got drunk and it just happened. And then I felt so horrible about the fact that it happened that it just kept happening again and again. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't fucking get out of. Not until it was too late."
Logan just continues to look at him, face calm and eerily blank. They sit and stare at one another for several minutes before Logan lets out a long sigh and stands. "Okay."
"Okay?" Kendall's voice is panicked. "All you're going to say is okay?"
"Thank you for telling me everything." He says, voice still calm and unemotional. He makes his way to the door. "You can stay with James if you'd like, but I have a d-somewhere to be."
And even though he stops himself from saying it—because that would be cruel—Kendall knows exactly where he's going. Well, not where exactly. But he knows the shorter man is going on a date. He's known since the second that Logan had walked into the living room, wearing his "casual formal" wear, as the genius had always called it. And his heart sinks and starts pounding against his chest painfully as he scrambles to think of something,anything, that will make the other man understand.
"Every night since we signed the divorce papers, I go to the local strip club and drink until I can't remember my own name!"
His eyes widen as the words leave his mouth without his permission. Logan freezes, hand on the door knob. He doesn't turn around to face Kendall, but he's not leaving anymore either, so Kendall grabs his chance and runs with it, even if he doesn't exactly know where he's going.
"And the lights are flashing and the music is loud and the girls aren't even all that attractive, but it doesn't matter because all I can see and feel is you! And it's the only time when I can escape the mess I made by being the world's biggest dumbass and pretend you're still there. I can feel you and I can hear you tell me you love me. And for a little while everything seems okay again!"
After several seconds of agonizing silence, Logan turns to face the blonde, face finally showing some emotion. His eyes are so sad that Kendall nearly cries just looking into them. "I'm sorry." He finally whispers, unable to say anything else.
"Kendall…" Logan sighs and shakes his head. "A part me is always going to love you. You were my husband and something like that doesn't just go away. But like I said the day we signed the divorce papers, a part of me doesn't know if I can ever forgive or trust you again. And…"
"And?" The taller man prompts, heart leaping hopefully, despite his brain's warnings.
"And frankly I'm just not sure which part is bigger."
Then he's out the door, leaving Kendall to stare with his broken heart reflected in his eyes, at the spot where his one last chance at happiness has just up and walked away.
...
"This was fun." Andrew, the man Logan had meet in the book store, tells him as they stand up to throw their empty cups away. "I'm glad you decided to give me a call. You seemed so hesitant when we met."
"I was." Logan admits. "Not because of you. But I was holding on to something." He frowns briefly, but it quickly turns into a small smile. "But I've let it go now."
Andrew smiles at the brunette's words. "That's good to know. I know it's early, but I feel like this could lead to something very good, you know?"
He leans over and kisses Logan softly. The genius' eyes stay shut until after the other man pulls back. He exhales slowly as his eyes flutter open and he smiles at the man before him.
"Yeah," he replies, an intense feeling sweeping through his body. "I do."
...
Kendall takes another swig of the rather bland tasting beer as the lights dim and hates himself a little bit more. He wants to go home, but he can't because the house is cold and empty and Logan's not there and he never will be and -dammit why won't his brain just shut up already!
The music starts blaring and he sinks down lower into his seat, trying his best to ignore everything and everyone around him.
"You know, " a voice to his left says, "I never thought I'd see Kendall Knight looking for love in a lap dance."
Kendall turns to glare at the man beside him and his heart nearly stops at the sight of a very familiar smirk.
"Logan…"
Logan raises an eyebrow as the stripper begins her dance. "Wow…okay." He turns back to face the blonde. "Come on Kendall," he grabs a hold of the taller man's hand and gives him a soft smile. "Let's go home."
Kendall's heart leaps into his chest at Logan's words and he nods mutely, eyes wide. They make it out to the parking lot and the genius leads him to his car. "We'll come get yours in the morning, okay?"
The blonde just continues to nod. He hasn't actually had that much to drink, he'd only been on his second beer, but he feels like he's swallowed his tongue and he's not sure he can say anything at the moment, even if he wanted to. The ride back to the house is silent, Logan focused more on driving and Kendall too busy starring at the other man, afraid that if he blinks Logan will disappear, to carry on much of a conversation. Its not until they're back in the house and Logan has hung his keys up on the key rack, a gesture that's so familiar it makes Kendall's heart ache, that the blonde finds his voice.
"Why?"
Logan sighs, settling himself on the couch. "I went out on a date today."
And even though Kendall knows that's what Logan did, it still hurts like hell to hear the brunette say those words. "Oh." He sits down on the opposite end of the couch, facing Logan.
"I wasn't going to go out with him, but I forced myself too, because I knew I couldn't keep being heart broken over you for the rest of my life."
Kendall's not sure where Logan's going with this exactly, but the genius is here so that's got to be a good sign.
"And I told him the reason I was so reluctant to say yes was because I'd been holding on to something. To you. And to what had happened. But hearing you explain everything it, I don't know, it helped me let go of all that. And I was able to go out and enjoy myself with a really nice guy."
Kendall's eyes well up with tears and he's beginning to suspect that Logan dragged him back to the house they used to share just so he can rub his new found happiness in the blonde's face.
"And then when Andrew kissed me…" Kendall's breath catches in his throat at those words and he can tell by the look on Logan's face that the genius hears it. "I felt nothing."
"…Nothing?'
Logan shakes his head, smiling slightly. "Here was this guy who was cute, funny, smart, and very interested and when he kissed me all I could think about…was you. I didn't think I ever wanted to hear why you felt the need to cheat on me, but it wasn't until you did- I until I could stop lying awake at night wondering what had gone wrong- that I was able to let it go."
"What are you saying?" He has to know. He can't take much more of this suspense.
"I'm saying that I love you, Kendall. That that's the biggest part of me there is. And it doesn't make what you did okay and that we're going to have to take it slow, because you are going to have to earn my trust again. We can't just pick up right where we left off but…"
"But…"
Logan reaches forward and grabs Kendall's hand, intertwining their fingers. "But if you give it some time, I know we can get back there."
And Kendall's whole body is shaking as tears slip down his face and drip off his chin. "I can do that." He tells the other man, pulling him into his lap and a hug. "I can do whatever you need me too."
And then they're kissing with a kind of intensity that Kendall can feel in his bones. He moves his hands to grip the genius' waist tightly. Logan moans into the kiss and Kendall bucks up instinctively, moving to grip the smaller boy's ass and pulling him closer. Logan breaks the kiss suddenly, breathing heavily.
"We need to take things slow." He pants.
Kendall nods and the two men just stare at each other, both trying to control their breathing.
Then Logan lunges forward again, nearly ripping Kendall's shirt in an effort to get it off.
"Tomorrow," he whispers between nips at the blonde man's next. "Tomorrow we need to start taking things slowly."
He rolls his hips and Kendall groans, bucking up desperately as he works at unbuttoning the genius' pants.
"Tomorrow." He agrees, before capturing the brunette's lips in another searing kiss.
...
Kendall runs his fingers through his hair one last time, trying his best to make sure it looks perfect, before knocking on the door in front of him. It swings open to reveal James, who eyes him carefully.
"Hi Mr. Diamond." The blonde chirps happily. "I'm here to pick Logan up for our date."
James rolls his eyes. "You guys are ridiculous." He steps back, allowing the blonde to enter his apartment. "LOGAN!" He calls, "You're date's here!"
Kendall smiles at the sight of the shorter brunette walking around the corner. "Hey, Kendall." Logan reaches up and places a quick kiss on the taller man's cheek. "And you don't need to yell, James. The apartment isn't that big."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just go have a good time."
The pair walk into the hallway, the door shutting behind them with a click. "So…where to?" The genius asks, as they make their way to the elevator and climb inside.
"Where ever you want, Logie. Just say the word and I'll take you there."
"Well there's that new science museum that opened up, I've been wanting to check that place out of ages. And then maybe afterward we can go see that new Spider-Man movie?"
Kendall chuckles and holds open the door for Logan as they both step out into the L.A. sun. "Sounds like a plan." He grab the genius' hand, intertwining their fingers and bringing them up to his lips so he can place a kiss on it. The brunette flushes and smiles shyly at the action.
They make they're way towards the museum, hands swinging gently between them and Kendall sighs happily. He won't eve try and pretend like the past never happened, but he's grateful for the second chance to make things right. As he listens to his ex-husband turned boyfriend talk animatedly about the kinds of things they'll be seeing at the museum, Kendall realizes the best part of them taking things slow.
And he genuinely looks forward to getting to fall in love with Logan all over again.