ok im really sorry about this i thought i had posted this i wrote it during winter break i had no idea it wasn't posted until now supper sorry bout that

Roxas's pov

Riku dropped me off at my house. Most of the time I would just ride my skate board, but I didn't have that with me. I wish Sora knew how to use it, I really miss riding it.

I walked into my house to find father and Cloud arguing. Father was yelling, and Cloud was doing his scary glare-but-remain-calm thingy that he always did when he was pissed off.

"Cloud this is the first time in weeks we have seen you, is this really how you want to spend your time here? Accusing me of things!" Father shouted. He always got loud, the exact opposite of Cloud.

So they were on that topic. "Its not so much accusing if I know for a fact you did it. Then that's just stating facts." Cloud said in a strained but also clam voice.

I cleared my throat to let them know I was there. How they didn't hear the door was beyond me. "If your talking about moms death its as simple as father its your fault, and Cloud and I hate you for it. If Sora knew he would hate you also." I said in a blank voice. Sora isn't good at hating people, but he loved mom just as much as I did.

"There you see." Cloud said. It would have sounded smug if he weren't so upset while saying it.

"You two don't understand!"

"Then explain it to us." I demanded, quickly growing sick of this discussion. I knew what talking about this with father did to me. If it lasted much longer I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

"I had a gun that night with me because I had heard that there was a criminal on the lose in our area. I pulled it out when I heard noises, but I was so shocked to see it was someone I knew. Not well, but still knew, that I couldn't pull the trigger. He shot your mother, and threatened to shoot you guys and your brother if I did anything. I'm not trained with a gun, if I had missed he could have killed you all. Then Roxas came in, and things got complicated. I couldn't do anything!" He said looking desperate. I wasn't buying it at all. Neither was Cloud.

"I had spent a year in military school, you should have called me in there. There were tons of things you could do." Cloud said narrowing his eyes. It was true, I had never seen someone with better aim on a gun than Cloud. Even if he did hate that year in military school. "The fact that you still talk to the guy letting him know where we are "to protect us" just makes it worse." He added glaring.

"Your still just as guilty." I stated, then ran up to my room. I couldn't stay there. As I ran up the stairs I heard the front door slam, and knew father had left.

I was looking around my room for it. I wasn't going to be able to handle it. I may have stopped for a year, but I couldn't handle this.

"Roxas!" Cloud said sternly, as he came into my room. I could have sworn I had locked that to keep him out. Must have picked the lock. He knew what I was doing. "Your not going to find it." He said looking concerned for me, but also stern.

My head snapped up. What did he mean. I knew where I had put it a year ago when I managed to stop. It wasn't there though. What did he do?

"I got rid of the razor blade as soon as I saw the scares Roxas." Six months ago. It had been gone for six months then. My hands were shaking. How did he even find it?

I started looking again. "Roxas! Its gone! You can't do that to yourself!" Cloud yelled at me. Cloud doesn't yell at people. Ever. I haven't heard him yell since the day mom died. I felt dizzy.

"I know its gone. I'm pretty sure I have some thumb tacks in here somewhere." I murmured. I sounded off even to myself. Broken somehow. Strange.

"Roxas!" He was now restraining my hands. Damn I'm pretty sure I had been about to find them.

"Cloud you don't understand." I said in a voice completely void of emotions. "You didn't have to watch mom bleed out, and die right in front of you. You don't have to live with him anymore. You have never cut. After you've done it its like smoking. Its addicting no matter how much you hate it. You can hate yourself for doing it, but it doesn't matter. And no matter how long you have gone without it, you still get tempted to do it again." I tried to put it into words for him. He was still restraining me.

"You don't have to live with him. I'm over eighteen now. You could come stay in my apparent with me." Tempting.

"No I can't. Sora wouldn't do it. He cares about father to much, and I won't leave him alone here." I told him struggling to get out of his strong grip, and failing. I couldn't budge his hands at all. Fuck the world and all who inhabit it!

"You can't hold me here forever." I told him simply.

"No, just until you have calmed down enough not to do anything stupid." He said sitting down, and turning on the TV in my room so we wouldn't be sitting here in awkward silence.

After a few hours he deemed me safe to be on my own. Sora was home by then.

I stared up at my ceiling for probably an hour. My door had to be left open.

By two in the morning everyone was asleep, and I found the thumb tacks.

It was supposed to be only a few scratches. Something I could easily hide with my wrist band, but I didn't stop that fast. By the time I was done, I had cuts that varied in deepness and bloodlyness all up and down my arms. From my wrist up to my shoulders. This was going to be hard to hide.

Instead of freaking out like I should have been doing, I just starred at my blood in some kind of trance. It reminded me of mom. There was so much blood, just like when she died. Its surprising how much blood you can lose without feeling sick from it at all, or dying, or passing out. The only problem I had with it, was that it might leave a stain.

After starring for a while I looked up at my clock. It was already four in the morning. I should start cleaning this up. Then maybe I could figure out what to do about hiding them. I suppose I could wear a jacket. It was supposed to be cold today after all. That sounded like a plan.

Now just to keep Cloud from finding out. Or worse Axel. He would never stop bothering me if he found out about it. He would think I was weak.

When I had even started to care about what he thought about me? Damn it all. I know how this works; first you start to care about what they think of you, then you start to care about them, then you become friends, and then you get together. Why did I have to be around him so much? He was starting to get into my head.