Title: Upon Her

Summary: She loved him. Always had, and always would.

Spoilers: Any of their moments up to Snakes in season five. After that doesn't exist in the universe of this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own these lovely geeks or their love. Wish I did, but I do not!

Author's Note: This... I don't know what this is. It's angsty, that's for sure. Wrote it back in 2007, and it doesn't follow the true timeline, but whatever. It takes place about mid season five, after the team has been split up, after Snakes but before Nesting Dolls. Wow, I didn't give myself much room in between the episodes for this to have happened! It's just a little something. It's not edited either, but meh. If you like it, let me know! If not, that's cool too. I have more stories coming, so keep your eyes out!

Upon Her

I love him.

Whether he knows it or not, I'm not sure. Sometimes I think he does, sometimes I think he doesn't.

It depends you know, it really does. All those touches, those looks, those comments – Since I met you; Honey; I need you; I have you – they make me believe that he does know.

Then, the next day, he'll turn around and ignore me, his eyes ice and his heart completely guarded. Then I think he doesn't know.

I don't know how to explain it to him. There are days when I just want to slap him senseless, and those days are coming more and more frequently. And the days when I just want to sink into him and forget the world are fewer, but the urges are becoming more intense and I don't know what to do.

Do I tell him? Do I show him? Do I leave him?

No, I can't ever leave him. If I could, I would be long gone. But you can't just pack up and leave the person who has stolen your heart. It's not that easy.

I love him.

I wish he would show some recognition of that fact. Just let me in, once, just to tell me what he feels, and why he seems to believe he has to hide it. If he doesn't want Catherine or Warrick or Nick or Greg or Brass to see his emotions that's fine. I can't change that.

Maybe he believes that they'll pity him for feeling, or laugh at him, or – I don't know. But he must know that I would never do anything to hurt him.

I want for him to let me in, to trust me. He used to, back in San Francisco. But that was a long time ago, and the Gil Grissom I knew and loved back then is not the same Gil Grissom I know and love now.

Maybe it's Vegas. Maybe that's why he won't talk to me anymore. Maybe if we go back to Frisco, he'll change. I like to think that, but I know he won't. His job is too important. I heard what he said to Dr. Lurie…

Somebody young and beautiful comes along; somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her… But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it…

I'm not a vain person, but I saw what Debbie Marlin looked like. She looked exactly like me. It bothered Grissom, how much we looked alike. Maybe that's why that little confession came out.

I think maybe he does care abut me – care, not love – but not enough to take a risk. I don't know why though. I just wish… I wish he would tell me why he is so afraid. Of me, of love, of the living.

I stand in the doorway of his office, just watching him. He's so amazing, I could watch him forever, if he'd just let me. But he won't.

His head is down, and I don't know if he knows I'm here. It's probably different with him, but whenever we're in the same room together, I can feel him. Even before I see him, I know he's there with me, in the room. It's my own personal Grissom-radar.

He looks up finally, and my breath catches in my throat. His gorgeous blue eyes bore into mine, and something in me snaps. I need to leave. I can't take this anymore. It's been years that I've been here, and he hasn't done anything. I'm taking one last shot, and then I'm gone if he doesn't reciprocate. Which is an almost signed, sealed and delivered promise that I'll be leaving.

I walk forward, shutting the door behind me. I see fear flash across his eyes; closing the door is not something I do. Not even after Ecklie broke the team up, and we were talking for the first time and I told him he had always been more than a boss to me. I didn't close the door then. But this is even more personal than that. I don't want someone walking in on us. Not now. Not at this moment.

This time, as I walk in, I don't stop at the front of his desk. I walk right around it, and come to a stop right in front of him. He looks up at me, and I can tell he wants to speak, but I cut him off in the most effective way I can think of.

I press my lips against his and revel in the feeling, and his taste. He tastes like Greg's Blue Hawaiian coffee mixed with a hint of mint, whether that is from his toothpaste or actual mints, I can't say.

At first, he tensed, but didn't pull away. For a few seconds, I was kissing him, but then I felt him shift beneath me and then he was kissing me back.

What an amazing feeling, his lips on mine. I can't believe it has been almost eight years we've known each other and I've never known what his kiss tastes like.

I kiss him for a little while longer, and then I break it off and pull away. I look down into his blue eyes, and I see so many emotions there it's unbelievable. Never has he let me see so much of him at one time.

I smile a little, and look at his slightly swollen lips. That's because of me. I did that to him. It's a good feeling, to know that I could have that sort of effect on him.

He still isn't speaking, and I think I may have my answer. I feel my heart snapping in my chest, and I stand and start to back away. He doesn't want me, doesn't feel the same, he doesn't care about me, doesn't love me.

Tears are threatening, and I close my eyes before he can see them. I back away faster, and soon my back hits the closed door. I turn around, and pull the door open, and run to the hall. I need to get out of here, I can't be near him. Not now, not after he's done this to me… I thought maybe this time would be different…

Vaguely I hear him call after me, but I can't stop. I need to get rid of him. I need to rid myself of his presence, of his looming control over my heart.

As I run to the parking lot and out of the lab, I realize that this will be the last time I walk out of it as a CSI of Las Vegas. The thought is irrational and completely out of context, but it fills me just the same, and it only adds to the sorrow in my heart.

I want to drive away, to go home and start packing immediately, but my car is on the opposite side of the building and I don't want to risk seeing him again so I just walk. To where, I do not know, but it will be far, far away from here, and from the likes of Gil Grissom.

As my feet take me farther from him and my heart breaks leaving a trail behind me, I realize something that makes me cry even harder.

I still love him. I still love him, and that will never change, no matter where I go. No matter what state or city or country, I will always love him.

I love you Gil Grissom, I love you.

-End-