Thank you for all the reviews. I didn't expect to wake up to so many of them.
I couldn't place the feeling, having left all emotion when I was a child to protect myself for this moment. The moment was distorted though. I was supposed to be smiling as I ran this boy through with my sword and watch his blood cover the ground.
His smile never left as he waited for me to say something. Looking up I forced a smile, finding it easier when our eyes met. I hate this boy.
Clove must have gotten bored because I heard her sigh discontently, "This isn't creepy at all." She remarked on the two of us standing there awkwardly smiling at each other.
It was all I needed to snap myself back to reality. Breaking the eye contact, I turned my back to him; prepared to run. But then I was surrounded, the other tributes flooding into the dinning hall, all chance of escape faded.
I turned back to Peeta and Clove who were both watching me, neither having moved. Clove was annoyed, which wasn't a surprise. Peeta looked concerned, like a child who didn't understand what he did wrong. I tried to tell Clove we should go meet the other tributes, anyone else. But she ignored my silent message. A shock of horror ripped through my body as I saw her evil grin appear. What was she planning? She couldn't possibly plan to keep me here with this boy? Why would she even do that? To torture me?
"Hey, Cato." Clove spoke, "You owe me one for the whole train incident. You're heavier than you look. Keep Peeta here company for a minute while I talk to Katniss."
I looked over at the brunette girl who's eyes widened at hearing her name. She fidgetted in her seat, probably afraid she had to talk to Clove and contemplating a retreat just as I was.
"Katniss isn't going to like that." Peeta said, watching Clove practically stomp over to her. Still watching the two girls expressions. "Katniss likes to keep to herself."
"Not much of a talker? That's alright, people tell me I talk to much, or something like that."
I turned to him, that damn smile still on his face. What am I supposed to say to him? Oh it sucks we're here, mind as well all be friends? What do the other tributes wan't from me? I've never been the nic—
I was to busy lost in my thoughts, I didn't see the bimbo run into me. Stumbling I lost my footing. A hand reached out to help steady me, catching my shoulder, but I was still falling. All I could feel was the warmth of the hand on my shoulder. I don't remember hitting the ground or, come to think of it, even falling. The warmth on my shoulder was heavy, "Good thing we aren't in the arena, I expected a little more from District 2." I vaguely heard giggling from the comment, but nothing was really registering.
My head was spinning and that sick emotion was back. My vision slowly began to clear and I meet blue eyes starring back at me. He was still holding me steady, and apparently I was still on my feet. What was happening?
"Oh I'm sorry," someone elses hands were trying to steady me, cold and rigid. I instinctiely moved away from it only to move closer to the heat.
Both hands left me and my head cleared at once. "I didn't see you there. By the way, my name is Cassie. District 9." She smiled innocently. I must have looked confused because everyone was starring at me.
I didn't know what to say, or what to do. I turned to Peeta, but I didn't want his help. My eyes stopped at Clove, and I silently begged her to help me. She must have caved because she stood up and walked over.
"Alright, leave him alone. The guy's just confused. He got knocked out by a Peacekeeper and basically woke up 3 hours ago." She said. I didn't know Clove even had a heart, from what I knew, she was just as cold as I was. But I don't really know her that well, Come to think of it, I didn't know who I was lately either. Certainly not the same person that prepared for this his whole life. Clove pushed her way through the crowd, leaning in to whisper, "Do you want to leave."
"Yes." I nearly shouted, but thankfully no one but Clove heard. She gently pushed me towards the door, her hands feeling cold but comforting compared to the District 9 girls'.
"What's everyone staring at? Get back to your mingling!" Clove shouted. At that moment, I knew I'd like Clove, she had the same temper that I did. She was much the same person and I felt that I could trust her. Or trust her as much as I would allow myself to. "Assholes." Muttered Clove as the elevator door shut around us.
"And what is your deal anyway?" Clove's anger returning. "You've got this confused look everywhere you go. Don't you think the rest of us are begging for answers? Everyone is on the same page except you."
"I don't know what my deal is." I honestly replied.
Clove must have understood because the anger wasn't in her voice anymore, "I know exactly what you mean. It sucks." I knew she was talking about our training. All of it seems so useless now, a waste of time if we aren't even going to fight. "It's like I don't have a purpose anymore."
She looked at the ground, my gaze following hers. "But you know what? Theres no point in dwelling on it. It finally gives us the chance to be people. A real person, not some machine. Plus I think that Cassie girl kind of likes you. It didn't seem like she "accidentally" bumped into you."
Cloves transformation from killing machine to excited school girl was so fast. I only looked at her for a moment, catching that evil grin. "Oh come on, take a joke!" Clove shouted at me as I left the elevator
We were walking into the common area when she grabbed me by the arm. "Don't even think about locking yourself in your room."
I just stared at her and gave her my best, leave me alone, look. It would have been more convincing if I had my mask on. If I did, this whole debachle wouldn't have even happened.
"You need to open up a bit more." Clove explained, "At least talk to me, you have to talk to someone." I knew what she meant, but my mind was elsewhere. District 12. What does this boy have over me?
I didn't say anything more, but silently agreed to sit on the couch together.
Clove went off, telling me everything she wants to do with her life, who she thought was cute and how she's excited that the chances of her having her own family are possible now. I payed little attention, but took most of what she said.
"Tell me more about the two from District 12." I blurted out, cutting her off.
"District 12, huh?" Clove sneered, "Did you finally make a friend? You seemed kind of cozy. I wouldn't worry though, you probably scared him off."
I just stared at her, not understanding what she was talking about. Apparently Clove gave in, figuring explaining it would kill the joke. "Well, the girl is Katniss. Honestly, shes nothing special. She's a lot like you, except more bitchy whereas you just look lost."
I could see that. But then it hit me. Why do I even care? I never cared about people before and I didn't know why I all of a sudden did.
"Well, hes not so bad. You get kind of drawn to him because he always seems to say the right thing." Clove finished. I was to busy in my own thoughts that I missed the middle of her explanation.
"Cato…" Clove started. "Can I ask you something and answer me honestly?" She waited for my response. I nodded, figuring if I didn't like the question I could still lie my way out of it.
"Who are you?" The question took me by surprise, but I didn't even know what she meant by it. "I mean, when we first met, I had this idea of you. And you fit it so well. But now you're someone else, like you've lost your way."
I didn't want to tell her about my mask, but I didn't want to lie either. The damn mask left me vulnerable, able to feel everything that's happening. It's a lot like living in a black and white house, only to be thrown into a field of colors. I decided to be honest with her.
"I am a different person. Ever since I can remember, my family pushed me to be a fighter. I learned at an early age that if I shut emotion out, it was easier. It made me ruthless, fearless. But every morning, I'd have to focus, and push it all away. I called it my mask. But this morning, I had too many questions that weren't answered, too much going through my head that I couldn't push it out. And now I'm lost, never knowing how to deal with the emotions I'm getting. I feel weak." It was my story, but it sounded like someone else told it. I reminded myself that it was my voice, only different.
I waited for Clove to say something. Anything. But there was only silence. The familiar rage, the only emotion I allowed myself to have my whole life, was building at her silence to my life story. "All of a sudden you have nothing to say?" I shouted.
"No, it's not that." Clove whispered. She looked hurt by my temper. Good, the pain was familiar and welcomed. I was about to leave when I heard my name.
"Cato,"
"What." I replied coldly
"You can't go through life without emotion. It's what makes life worth living."
I scoffed it off, the sooner I could free myself from it the better, my life was easier without them. And with them it was overwhelming.
I stormed out of the common area into my room. My anger had diminished quickly and left me with regret. I hated regret, something I never felt until this morning. There were a lot of things I never felt until this morning and Clove's last words to me started to make more sense.
I went over the day, trying to force myself to relive it. The regret from ignoring Clove and my mentor. The fear of not being able to put my mask back on. And then… That strange feeling from District 12. The warmth of his hands. Heat was always something I dismissed, never caring for its relaxing touch. Then why was I entranced by it? Then I remembered Cassie's hands on me. They were cold and rigid like ice. Clove's touch was similar, having the same cool feeling, but having something deeper to it.
I forced myself to look in the mirror, willing it all to go away. My head was spinning again, never having had to think about things like this before. Is this confusion and pain really what makes life so wonderful? Then I want nothing of it. But I can't seem to shut it off.
A/N: I don't really have anything to say... I just like throwing little comments here. However, I've got nothing at the moment. I've got chapter 3 done, almost done with 4... So... We'll see how everyone likes it. Plus I totally fucked up Katniss last name. EVERDEEN***, betches.