I Prefer to keep my own perspective on it, so I don't Beta anything. It warps what I want. Because of that, sorry for the spelling and grammatical errors that Word decided to ignore.
The mind is a beautiful thing, but when it's broken it's hard to find your way.
I don't know what is happening to me anymore. I try to embrace it but it only brings pain. Try to push it away and it hurts just the same. My only anchor is Clove. After only a day, I had felt closer to her than even my own mother. She pushed me to feel, and it was easier with her.
She never pushed the love topic on me again. She left me alone to shower, but watched me closely, making sure I didn't spend too much time alone. It comforted me that she cared so much about me. It was also a strange feeling to find myself caring for her in return.
My head hurt, this was all happening to fast. I reached for my head in a weak attempt to keep it from bursting. The cool feel of Clove's hand on my back brought me back to reality.
"This isn't easy for you, is it?" She whispered, "Must be that much more difficult since everything we were taught came so naturally. No one understands the brutal world outside of weapons."
She was completely open, it seemed wrong. I wanted to push her away, but let her comfort me. "I'll be fine."
We both stood, ready to tackle the day, Clove transitioning back so easily. It made me jealous that she could just flip herself so naturally. I felt weak, and all I needed, everything I knew, told me to stand infront of the mirror and pull myself together. Become the real me. Struggling with it, I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Did I want to be that person anymore? That person seems like a distant past. I hated that person but longed for his strength.
I was going in circles again and it only hurt my head more. Clove watched me, this time not saying anything, waiting for me to pull through it on my own.
All at once, I'd had enough of it. The gloom feel and the sappiness of the whole situation made me want to leave it behind. I stood tall, and walked across the room. Clove smiled at me, knowing it was best to keep her mouth shut.
We made it to the elevator, waiting for the doors to open when she finally spoke. "It's getting close to lunch, I'd bet a few people are down in the dinning room."
I remained quiet, watching the doors slide open, revealing the interior of the elevator. We walked in, pressing the button for the training center.
I hadn't said a word, and I could tell Clove was concerned now. I turned to her, not really knowing what to say. What do you say to someone during an awkward silence? I was about to speak when the doors opened.
The training area wasn't deserted. A few of the tributes were messing with the equipment, probably out of boredom. There wasn't much for us to do here since we weren't alowed to leave the tower. A few of the men were standing around holding spears. One threw it across the room, hitting the bullseye dead on. There was applause as the boy ventured to the dummy to retrieve his spear.
"Marvel." Clove stated, "District 1. Despite him being a career with us, I never actually sat down and talked to him."
She seemed to be nervous in that school girl way again. I brushed it off not thinking much of it. I didn't want to stay in the training center. There was too much here that made my mind spiral. Thoughts of the weapons I used to use without any guilt of what I killed with them. I longed to pick up a sword, feel the balanced weight of the blade in my hand, but the thought also hurt too much to bear.
Clove followed me into the dinning room. I looked around, noticing a large built man talking casually with two other boys and a girl. "The big guy is Tresh, District 11." Clove explained, she was more in the loop than I was. "The blonde boy is Surge, District 3, the brunette Tyler: District 5."
"And the girl?"
"Bessie, District 10." Clove answered. She looked at the three girls sitting in the middle of the room. "Well, that's different. Didn't think those three would get along."
I stared, noticing a blonde girl, a small brunette girl, and Katniss. The sight of Katniss got me on my toes, I looked around frantically to see if Peeta was also here. Filled with relief, I didn't see him anywhere.
"The blonde is Glimmer, as you can probably guess District 1. The small girl is Rue, District 11."
Of course none of this made any difference. Wonderful, I knew their names, but it didn't make me feel any better. Clove waved to Katniss who quickly looked away and mumbled something to Rue. "I don't know what her problem is." Clove was disappointed. She was trying, but the girl kept shutting her out.
It was the first time I noticed Clove struggle with herself. She seemed strong, but she was in the same boat as me. Lost. Socializing wasn't something our training taught us.
"Good to see you're alive." I froze at the familiar voice from behind me. Turning slowly, I saw the blonde boy from district 12 smiling at me. "Didn't think I'd ever see you again. You looked pretty shaken up yesterday."
All I could think was 'No. Anyone but you.' I could feel my anger building as I battled my mind for control. Clove stepped forward, seeing my struggle.
"He's still a bit shaky. Basically had to drag him down here by the ear." She turned back and winked at me.
He laughed. I felt myself drawing closer to him because of it. There was something there that I couldn't put my finger on. "He looks okay to me."
He was staring right at me. I kept walking forward, having no power of my own. Peeta took one step back at my approach and I instantly stopped. It looked like I caught him off guard. Clove elbowed me in the stomach and said, "Are you going to say anything, or just be a total creep."
"Uhh, right. Hi." God dammit, that was lame. I looked back at the floor, trying to will my fear away. Apparently what I said was funny, because Peeta was chuckling and Clove busted out laughing.
"What is so damn funny?" I shouted before realizing my anger took over. Peeta stopped immediately, but Clove only laughed louder. Everyone in the room was staring at me again. This time I was only thankfull that a handful of us were here.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude." Peeta exclaimed. "It was Cato, right?"
I nodded, my anger subsiding slightly. I kicked the asphyxiated Clove which helped me return to normal. "Yeah, and what was your name again?" I asked, trying to play like I had no idea who he was.
"Peeta Mellark." He replied, offering his hand in another handshake. My head stopped, not this again. But I was drawn to it. I reached out for his hand, the warmth once again filling me when we touched.
I smiled. Clove saw it and gave me a strange look. He released my hand and looked in my eyes. What is happening to me? The warmth is still there, even without his hand. I realized it was from his eyes.
"So, whats life like back in District 2? I bet its more exciting than 12." Peeta said, trying to create small talk.
"Uhh, its not really…" I paused, trying to formulate words but failing. For the first time since yesterday, my mind was completely blank.
"Peeta!" someone shouted from behind us. He waved to whoever it was before starting to walk away.
"Sorry, they've been waiting for me. It was nice seeing you again, Cato. Oh, why don't you join us? That is, unless you already have plans." Peeta asked politely. He looked sincere in his offer. I was about to agree, not wanting to leave the boy quite yet.
Clove jumped in before I could even finish my thought. "That's alright, we do have plans. Thanks for the offer! See you later."
"Okay, see you soon!" He waved us goodbye and joined Tresh and his group.
Clove grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out of the room. I only had time to steal one more glance and noticed he was starring back. Clove was ruthless, jerking me back and forth through the maze of equipment and other tributes until we made it to the elevator. She tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the doors to open.
The second we were inside and the doors were shut, she turned to me. "It's Peeta, isn't it."
I was shocked at her bluntness and didn't know what to say, so I tried to play stupid. "What are you talking about?"
"The girl you were thinking about this morning. Only it's not a girl. It's Peeta." Clove answered.
I sank a little, not knowing how my life turned into such a nightmare in only two days. My reaction must have given Clove all she needed to know. But before I knew it I had sank to the floor of the elevator. She crawled down next to me, wrapping her arm around me.
"Its not a big deal, Cato." She explained, "I'm sorry if I freaked out on you, but it just hit me. The smile you gave him. It was real."
I still had nothing to say, my mind completely blank. There was nothing there except fear. "You've never liked anyone before." Clove said.
"I know that much is true. Not allowing yourself to feel and now you've got a crush for the first time. It must be confusing." She finished, but it didn't help. I just wanted to forget everything. This Peeta kid wasn't a crush. He was nothing. Just someone that gave me feeling. Clove did the same thing, didn't she?
"I don't want to talk about it." I forced myself to say. The doors opened, and I pushed myself out of the elevator. Clove was following closely behind, trying to get me to slow down. I turned and without hesitation, shoved her against the wall.
"Leave me alone! There is nothing going on. Peeta doesn't mean anything to me!" I shouted in her face. She was terrified, her smaller body shaking, almost completely pinned between me and the wall.
"Fuck you, Cato!" She screamed back, trying to breathe. Stunned by her reaction, I let go of her. "It doesn't fucking matter if you have feelings for him or not! You're only lying to yourself. Stop trying to pretend all the damn time."
She stormed off, leaving me for the first time today completely alone. Who am I becoming? I felt an urge to reach for my mask, but something told me that wouldn't fix anything. I've gotten a taste of guilt, I had hurt the only person who cared and not even the mask can hide that. The 'blood' was on my hands, and I had no one.
My mind was broken, but I'm determined to find myself. Even if I have to do it on my own.
A/N: By the way, this is my favorite chapter. I spent all day writing and I got up to chapter 7. Going to space them out a bit because I got a few rough days ahead of me and I want to update on a consistent time frame. Sorry.
I'm trying to keep Cato consistent but work in Peeta. Trying to keep everyone consistent to the book (Minus Cato who who has a mind of his own and keeps dragging this story out...), but I'm struggling with Peeta. Maybe because I don't feel like he has 'his way with words' for me like he does in the books. Probably why I try to keep him out of conversations. I'm trying, don't hate on me.
Doing this more for myself, to prove I can do it, but I love to hear from you guys! Review if you feel comfortable doing so!