Summary: She's letting it go. Slowly but surely she's moving on, because she refuses to allow the darkness of her past to cloud her future. Their future. Spoilers for Always. Follows Wake To The Light.

Author's Note: I apologize for the long wait between updates. With two fics going and the craziness of summer, I just haven't had enough time to write. So thank you for sticking with me and know that, busy or not, I'll try to update at least once a week.

Disclaimer: I'm running out of creative ways to say I don't own Castle. Not that anyone actually thinks that I do...

Chapter 7

"You okay?"

Kate shrugs, remains focused on the vastness of the ocean, the crashing of the waves beyond her. One laps up to the shore, the edges curling around her toes as it washes over her feet and back into the sea.

She is wearing a light yellow sundress that she dug out of her suitcase after their little...interlude...this morning, feet bare, hair secured back in a loose braid. A few tendrils have escaped over the course of the day and they are rippling lightly in the breeze, catching the final rays of light that streak the sky.

"What did they say?"

She shrugs again, and Castle briefly debates leaving her here alone, heading back to the house and waiting for her to seek him out. But it is against his nature to step back and wait it out, and though he could do it if he really puts his mind to it, there is a nagging feeling in his mind that she really does not want him to go. That she wanted him to come to her, a steady presence while she works through whatever was said over the phone.

So instead, he steps up behind her, enfolds her in his embrace. His chin comes to rest on her shoulder, strands of her hair tickling his cheeks as it blows in the wind. Kate tenses at first and he loosens his hold, but she relaxes again quickly, the tense lines of her face and neck slackening as she leans back against him, twines her fingers with his on her stomach.

He rolled up the pant legs of his jeans on the way out to her and is now thankful for that decision as the next series of waves rolls over their feet, splashing up around his ankles.

"Ryan was okay," she says finally, her voice far away, lost in the sounds of the Atlantic and the late evening breeze. "I told him that I wasn't mad, that if he hadn't gone to Gates, I wouldn't be here. And he...he knows that, but I think he's still upset about the whole thing, about how it all turned out. And Espo still won't talk to him."

She doesn't mention that on top of ranting about Esposito, Ryan spent twenty minutes complaining about Gates and how much he hates his job now that his entire team is gone. She already feels bad enough about the disaster she left behind in the wake of her rash decisions and abrupt departure, and right now, she really does not need to spend more time dwelling on it.

And honestly, Ryan was angry enough that, despite his reassurances, she is still not convinced that he does not harbor any residual ill will towards her.

She also leaves out the part about how uncomfortable the conversation was at first, the stilted awkwardness as she explained that she was not just suspended, but done for good, because she had not realized at first that Ryan did not know that.

She avoids talking about the way she choked out an explanation, forcing the words past the small voice in her head that still insisted that she was letting her mom down by walking away. She knows better. She does. But she also has a feeling that it is going to be quite some time before that voice is silenced for good.

Ryan understood her choices, and, like Lanie, put two and two together and deduced that she was with Castle now. He said he was proud of her for having the strength to move on, to stop fighting Castle, and though he did a good job of suppressing it, she heard his voice crack a couple of times, too, at the prospect of no longer working side by side every day. She cannot imagine it either, not seeing them every day when they have essentially become part of her family.

There were tears in her eyes when she finally hung up the phone.

Castle squeezes her gently, brings her back to their conversation. "Poor guy."

She nods, falls into silence again.

"Would he talk to you?" Castle asks finally. "Esposito?"

"Yeah. He wasn't angry at me, because he knows it was his decision to go with me to that hotel. But he's still upset with Ryan. Really upset, even though I told him what happened on the roof." Kate sighs, loosens a hand from his to brush a strand of hair out of her eyes, lets her hand fall back into his. "He wants me to come back."

Another uncomfortable conversation, especially when he spoke those words and she had no real response. She could tell that he knew that her eventual promise was empty, that he was hurt by her decision. But he suppressed it, because focusing on it would only have escalated the tension that lingered from those final moments at the Twelfth.

"To the city?"

A shake of her head. "To the force."

Oh. While it is strange knowing that she is no longer a Detective, he has never considered that she might actually go back, because she has seemed so sure of her decision, so determined to move away from that part of her life.

"Does he know you resigned?"

They both stiffen almost imperceptibly at his words, but he is so precisely tuned in to her that he feels it, and he is sure she senses his reaction as well.

"Yeah, he was there."

"Does he think they'd let you back?"

"I don't know. Maybe, but I'd be on probation for a long time, I'm sure. But I just...I think he maybe wants me as a partner now that he and Ryan aren't on good terms."

Castle feels a pang of sympathy for both men and though he is trying to remain neutral, he cannot help but side with Ryan, mainly because he saved the life of the women who is currently wrapped in his arms. And in a way, by saving Kate, Ryan saved him as well.

"Do you think they'll figure things out?"

She shrugs again, feels him shift against her with the motion of her shoulder. "Not sure. If Espo would let Ryan actually get a word in, it'd help. I mean, I told him, you know, but I think he just doesn't want to hear it."

Castle nods slowly, closes his eyes against the onslaught of images of Kate dangling from a roof by the tips of her fingers, battered and bruised at the hand of a merciless killer.

"Would you?" he asks after a moment, after the worst of the images are gone and the cold dread that always accompanies them has passed.

"Go back?"

He nods.

"No. I...I quit, Castle. I said I was done, and I meant it. I mean, I told him I'd think about it when I got back to the city, but..." she shakes her head, eyes still far away as she speaks. "I don't think I can do it."

His arms loosen then, slide down to her hips and gently turn her so they stand face to face. In the sand and their bare feet, he has a few inches on her, and she tilts her chin up slightly to meet his eyes, dark blue in the twilight.

"You don't have to, Kate," he assures her, hands still resting on her hips, squeezing gently, comfortingly. "You know you don't have to."

"I know," she agrees, lifts a hand to cup his jaw, her own form of reassurance. "I just..." she trails off, shakes her head. "God, I've made such a mess of things."

"You haven't," he says immediately. "Things aren't good right now, but they'll get better. I promise. They just need more time."

"But if I hadn't walked away..."

"Kate." He silences her with a firm voice, determined eyes boring into hers. "Sometimes you have to put yourself first, and this was one of those times. And maybe it stirred things up a little bit, but you said yourself that you needed to walk away. And that's okay."

"But do you think...what if there was another way? Somehow I could have not just run away from it all and torn my team apart?"

"They made their own choices in this too," Castle points out. "You can't take all the blame, especially now that you're not even there."

"But that's what I'm saying," she protests, and he can tell that this is eating at her, probably has been all day. "If I was still there, maybe I could help somehow."

"Kate, love," he says, his voice mingling with the ambiance of the evening and the steady pulse of the waves, wrapping around her. "It takes strength to know when you need to turn your back on something rather than continuing to fight for it. That's not running away; it's moving on. And they are two very different things."

She sighs heavily, knows his words are right, but it still eats at her. She knew it was going to catch up with her, and though she has felt snippets of it here and there over the last week, this is the first time that it has really come crashing down on her, weighed her down with the implications of her choices.

"I know," she says softly, repeats it then in a clearer voice. "I know. And I don't want to go back. I don't regret that. I just wish...I wish I'd listened to Ryan. And to you. I wish I hadn't been reckless and forced Ryan to make that choice."

"But if you hadn't..." he trails off, leaves the rest unspoken because he knows that she knows, understands the million ways that things could be different right now.

She could still be a cop, still be on the case. Or she could be dead because she did not step away. They could have never found the sniper. Or they could have gone in with other cops and one of them could have ended up dead. They could have called for backup only to discover that one of them is in on this because at this point, who can they trust aside from each other?

Esposito and Ryan could still be on speaking terms, still be partners and best friends. And she and Castle...

Because when it comes down to it, if she could do it all over again, Kate would not trade a thing for the last few days she has spent with him. The case and her shooting may have defined the last thirteen years of her life but he is too important to allow those things to define their time together, to interfere with their love.

"So what are you going to do?"

She shakes her head slightly, uncertainly. "I don't know. I think Lanie was going to talk to Espo, try to talk him down some. And I told them both that I'd let them know when we got back to town. I'll...I don't know, meet up with them for coffee or a drink or something. Not...together," she adds as an afterthought. "But I just...it's not the same over the phone, you know. I want them both to know where I stand."

Castle nods understandingly, leans down to press his lips to hers briefly. "Do you want me there with you?"

Kate pauses, contemplates. "I don't know," she replies honestly after a minute, eyes searching his for understanding and support.

Castle does not hesitate, simply nods and kisses her again. "Whatever you need," he promises, and suddenly there are not enough words for her to convey what she is feeling because he has spent the majority of the last four years trying to do whatever she needed, regardless of the repercussions on his end. And especially now that they are together, she can only hope to be so selfless, so willing to go above and beyond for him.

So rather than words, she kisses him hard, lips working passionately over his as her arms wrap around him, holding him as closely as possible. She can feel that he is momentarily caught off guard by her outburst of passion, but she also knows that even as a writer, Castle holds a great understanding and appreciation for the nonverbal language as well.

And when they separate a few minutes later, a sparkle in his eyes and his breaths coming in rapid succession, she can tell from the stunned and amazed look on his face that he knows exactly what she is trying to say.

I love you more than anything.

Thoughts?