SM owns twilight. I own my mistakes.

Chapter seventeen.

Jasper and I found a quiet seat in the garden away from the noise of the big crowd from the department, Aro sure had put on a wonderful celebration, including a swing jazz band and open bar.

"How are your studies going?"

"Great! I've been pleasantly surprised about the marks I just got back on my assignments and exams." Jasper smiled slowly.

"Excellent, are you happy with what you're learning? Have you any ideas with how the uni can support distance students like yourself better?"

"Well, for a start, you could try more in-depth information available online, live feeds and videos of lectures, on-line and Skype feed-back for tutorial sessions with lecturers,and of course, much faster posting of results...I could go on and on with ideas. Why do you ask?"

That last suggestion stung, and I understood exactly why he said it! Aro had taken ages to mark the work, with his poor eyesight, and then had paid me to do his marking for him, almost at the last minute before the uni had been forced to sack him.

"I'm being paid to assist Prof. Aro to pull his entire curriculum together on-line, and I'll be trying to make the site the best course ever. I think a really good site could help all of the students to learn, don't you think?"

"Ah, so you have Aro's ear? Does he listen to what you have to say? Have you got many more years of study before you finish?"

"Ha! Aro only hears what he wants to hear, like any man. But sometimes he does listen to me. I've helped him with a few things, and I'm very grateful for his and Pia's friendship. After this pregnancy, I plan to finish my honours year and get stuck into a good, solid, research project. It could take me many, many years. I guess it's a good thing I adore studying and academia."

"So how is your pregnancy going?"

"Ah well apart from some morning sickness, I'm good and so are the babies."

"Babies? Is there more than one?"

I chuckled. "There are twins just like you and Rosalie. It must be Carlisle's genetic heritage; I don't think there are any recorded twins on my side."

"Oh wow, twins? How do you feel about that?"

"I had a little early warning, from my friend's granny 'from beyond the grave', but there's nothing like seeing those little peanut, baby shapes with their tiny heartbeats, growing and looking healthy right there on the ultrasound."

Jasper looked thoughtful, like he wanted to spill something important.

"It took a lot of talking by my aunt and uncle, to get me to see how it felt. To be completely desperate for and desolate without children in your life. I'd never given it any thought before. But now I see what they must have gone through and I'm really glad you have found one another and you managed to fall pregnant so quickly Bella. I'm pleased it's working out for everyone. They just can't wait to be parents, and they are so very grateful to you for sacrificing so much, to do this for them."

I watch him speak, gently nodding to myself. This was a different guy from the one who challenged and accused me not that long ago, he had been changed somehow. Maybe Esme and Carlisle had torn shreds off him too, not just me?

He smiled at me. "You look great by the way, especially with your new haircut."

"Thanks Jasper, it still is a shock that my hair feels so light and short. Last time I had a cut, was a completely disastrous episode, at my Dad's barbers and I refused to go anywhere near scissors after that. I can't imagine why I was so scared to have my hair cut before now, I am like a changed person, Steve did such a wonderful job don't you think?"

"Ah... so this Steve's a hairdresser?" Jasper scowled.

"Yeah, he performed a minor miracle and cured me of my mortal fear of scissors and created a great, new look for me. I trusted him and he did a wonderful job. I also had a great time when we went out until two this morning!"

"Oh, he sounds like quite a guy! Will you be seeing a lot more of each other in the future?" Jasper snarled sarcastically.

"What? Oh maybe? I guess next time I want a new cut I'll make sure to see him, why do you ask?"

"It sounds like you both really hit it off."

"Yeah we did, I had one of the best night's out in ages, and I even danced in a club, something I don't normally do."

Jasper looked like he was in pain.

"Is Steve a good dancer?" He murmured.

"Well Vlad seems to be better at getting down on the dance floor than Steve. But there were lots of other guys there who seemed to like dancing with me."

Jasper gulped and looked away.

"Other guys?"

"Oh well yeah I was only one of a few women there last night. It was really only guys dancing, lots and lots of hot, half-naked, well built, sweaty guys, I felt like I was treated like a sort of minor celebrity." I chuckled.

"All guys? What kind of club...oh...was it a gay nightclub?" He started to laugh. "I thought that you had found..."

"Found what Jasper?"

"Found a boyfriend." he mumbled.

I chuckled, "no, Steve and Vlad are very much a couple, a happy, committed, gay couple, who are married. They took me out and I danced with a lot of their friends, and ate some wonderful local seafood. I laughed a lot and talked a lot about my situation. They were really understanding and funny."

"So you are still single then?" He said seriously, staring into my eyes.

"What about you Jasper, are you single?" I eyed him cheekily; two could play at this game.

"What...? I Ahh, yeah well I'm sort of single, I guess." He answered.

"Sort of single, what does that mean exactly? Is it like 'I can't help it if lots of women fall at my feet and I accidentally say "let's get it on baby", 'cause I'm sort of single'?" My voice got pointed, trying to get him admit stuff...stuff that scared and frightened me.

"Yeah well, sort of... I guess. Women like me and I like them, ok? Where's the harm in that?"

"There's no harm, none at all. But Jasper, you don't get to ask me about my status and who I'm going out with, while at the same time, you can't work out yours! In the future, unless you're completely certain as to your own relationship status, don't ask me about mine, ok?"

I was seething inside.

Why oh why, was he the one to push all of my buttons?

I could easily handle guys like Mike Newton and Jacob Black, but I had a hard time keeping cool and calm around Jasper.

I think I must have shocked and stunned him again, because once again he was speechless.

"I'm going to have something to eat, before the caterer's food is all gone, are you coming?"

I got up off the seat too quickly and felt really dizzy. I wobbled and Jasper put his arm around me, to make sure I didn't fall.

"Bella? Are you ok?"

"I just got up too quickly. I need to eat, like now!"

"Ok, let's go, can I go get you a drink or something?"

"Juice would be good, no alcohol, or anything fizzy. Thanks that would be great." I smiled at him.

Pia came up to me, with a plate of food.

"Here Bella Mia, food... I saved it for you mamina. Now mangiare!"

I chuckled at her loving attention, I think she would start hand-feeding me little morsels, if I didn't start eating fast enough for her.

"Ok, ok, Pia I'll eat but tell me, what does mamina mean?"

"Little mama, you like it? I think it suits you!" She laughed.

"How's the party going? I haven't been watching all the comings and goings, is Aro alright?"

"Don't worry, just eat. Aro is in his element, schmoozing and chatting and making lots of advantageous connections. You know how he is, the king of his castle!" She waved her hand in the air, smiling. "I always let him go and stay out of his way, happily in the background."

I tucked into the food she had brought me. I had nearly finished everything on my plate when Jasper came back, looking flustered.

"Here's your drink Bella, I'm glad you found some food. Feeling a bit better now?"

Pia looked at me curiously.

"I'm fine, just fine, no need to panic. Thanks for the drink Jasper."

We heard a couple of people making their way along the path, to our secluded garden seat.

"Jasper honey! There you are! I was wondering where you had disappeared to with those drinks." A woman's voice called out.

We looked over and there was one of the faculty members and another woman, moving as fast as their high heels could carry them, making their way towards Jasper.

Jasper's anxiety showed. He rolled his eyes and then looked back at me, with a hopeful, questioning look on his face.

I smirked, thinking that I'd joked about this very thing with him, just moments before.

Pia turned to give both the women an icy, furious glare.

"Heidi, Chelsea, how are you both? I haven't seen either of you, since your last trip away to Thailand, for that plastic surgery. How did it go by the way? Contract any nasty infections? I hear they aren't quite as quite as good at hygiene control and sterilizing their instruments, as here in America."

"Pia, it's so nice to see you!" Heidi looked unnerved at Pia's questions. Apparently she was used to it.

"Yes it is! Are you well Pia?" Chelsea piped up, looking a bit sheepish.

Pia nodded regally and gave them a tight little grin.

"Jasper..." Heidi started to say.

"I'm sorry. I can't spend any time with either of you. I've got some important matters to attend to at the moment." Jasper said coolly.

"Err, ok, Pia, Jasper, we'll see you both later. Ciao!" Heidi said waving as she left.

"Yeah Jasper, I'm sure I'll catch up with you later." Chelsea tried to say seductively.

They wobbled off up the path, on their too high, high heels, ridiculously unstable on the gravelly surface.

I started laughing and Pia joined in, we ended up getting louder. I snorted and guffawed in a most unladylike way, tears came up and we both wiped our eyes.

Jasper looked like he didn't know whether to be embarrassed, or amused.

"Wow those two are still at it! I thought that they had given up, after that crazy debacle of a fundraiser they organized, two years ago." Pia reminisced. "Jasper dear, whatever you do, make sure to keep away from those two vipers, they are so poisonous, that being near them will be like the kiss of death for your career."

"Mmm, yeah, they nearly lynched me at the bar and wanted to drag me up to dance with them. I had quite a time fighting them off. Sometimes it's hard for some women to see that there's much more to me than just flesh and bones. I have a mind and feelings too." Jasper complained.

I remembered Esme's statement about Jasper being a sensitive soul. Maybe he really was?

"Jasper want me to show you Aro's amazing bird rookery? He's been studying it for many decades, its really close by. I'm sure Heidi and Chelsea won't be going up there, especially in those heels!"

I stood up and grabbed his hand. I winked and Pia smiled at us, as I led the way up to the edge of the cliff.

While following Aro's narrow path along the coast, I relaxed and Jasper's face lost all of its tension.

The bird calls got louder and louder, as we moved closer to the large rookery.

I slowed down and we watched the birds swirling and landing up and down, all along the high cliff-face, riding on the gusting ocean, air currents. I had always loved it up here.

I found a boulder which I always liked to sit on and Jasper joined me. We sat in silence looking out to sea and watching the birds.

As the sun started going down Jasper looked over at me.

"Thanks for showing me this Bella. It's pure magic."

"Yeah, I love it here. Let's get back, before Pia starts panicking."

"Wait a while, at least till the sun goes down, I love watching it set into the ocean. At home, I make sure it's what I do every time I'm back, its a wonderful way to say goodbye to the day and all the rushing around."

He pulled me a little closer and I leaned into his side.

We sighed simultaneously, and then giggled.

I lost myself in the sunset and feeling his body next to mine.

Peace. Nothing but peace.

I smiled to myself, I could really get used to feeling this peaceful all the time.

Maybe Jasper was the key, like Vlad said?

Jasper held onto my shoulder on our way back down the cliff, not wanting to let me go. I liked his touch, it was confident and warm.

Before reaching Aro's place he turned towards me and leant down and kissed me. I smiled at him. What if I kissed him back? Would that mean something? Would he know that I longed and dreamed about him?

We stood close. Him bending down to reach me.

I looked up at his face. His eyes shining, with his intriguing smell and his intensity...he gently placed his hand against the back of my head, and moved in closer.

His lips touched mine and I moved closer to get some more of his beautiful mouth. We sighed and moved together as our mouths started moving in a sweet meeting of satin flesh.

I reached up to his shoulders and touched his silky hair and held onto the back of his neck. He reached down around my waist and picked me up, so he no longer had to bend over. My feet dangled in the air.

We both chuckled and kissed some more, our tongues moved and we slowly tasted and explored each other.

Oh my, oh my! I never knew kissing could be so amazing, so intense!

I hoped kissing Jasper never stopped!

"Want to come and see my place in Rio del Mar? Maybe watch the sunset together tomorrow night?"

"Uhh, yeah maybe, but do you want me to come to your place, as a friend or something else?" I whispered.

I needed to know, if I was going to be one woman among many, or someone who meant enough, to be the only one for him?

I couldn't share... I wanted more.

I wanted some reassurance from him, that what he wanted... wasn't something to throw away as soon as I had gone.

I'd always wondered what being in a relationship was like. Maybe Jasper wanted to try being with me? Just like I wanted to be with him.

Jasper had gone very quiet and still, his face was torn. He didn't know how to answer me.

I waited calmly, while he found his voice.

I released my grip on him, letting his shoulders go, putting my feet down on the ground and stepping back.

"Can we be friends... who just spend time together, enjoying ourselves?" He asked.

"What does that even mean Jasper? Is that like 'friends with benefits'? Or 'fuck buddies'? Does that mean that you will hang with a 'friend' and enjoy their company and get physically close to them, but when that 'friend' isn't there, what then? Is that when you get together with the next friend, and the next one? Each 'friend,' filling in a space, a gap in your life between adventures and exotic locations? So the only thing that you have in the end, are a bunch of meaningless, nameless women-friends, who are ways for you to fill in a gap, or scratch an itch?"

"Hey, I'm just being friendly here! I'm not wanting to start anything serious!" Jasper held his hands up like he was attempting to surrender.

"Sure ok fine! I'll be going. Hope you have a great life Jasper!"

I turned away and marched back into the house. I was completely confused and unhappy with how I just handled myself.

Why did I just go off, spouting crap like a crazy woman? Scaring him away. I bet he's running away, as fast as his legs can carry him, right now!

I was no one special to him.

Not a serious prospect, not someone who mattered.

Just friends right?

Well he could count me out!

If I was only to be a meaningless fuck and just a pleasant way to pass the time...he could forget it!

If I was to be one woman among many, then he could forget that he ever met me, and leave me in peace to get over him.

Rufus and I went inside. I grabbed some food out of the fridge and an apple, poured a glass of milk and went upstairs.

I ran a deep bath full of bubbles and sank right into the beautiful, all-encompassing heat.

Only then did I let myself cry.

I had to let him go, and be himself.

To let him go and have as many 'friends' as he wanted.

I had to let him be a free spirit.

But his kiss! His kiss was something else, something amazing!

I felt my soul touch his, in that moment when we kissed.

I sobbed and sobbed.

Rufus balanced on the edge of the bath and rubbed his face against my head. I reached out and touched him, but he wasn't so impressed that I was dripping wet, and he jumped onto the tiled floor, shaking himself off and then focused on cleaning himself thoroughly, to remove my soapy scent.

Someone gently knocked. Pia stuck her head in.

"I was worried bella mamina. What on earth did he do to you?"

I sobbed louder.

"He kissed me!"

"Oh! I see."

"Pia I want him, but I can't have him, not how I want anyway. I can't see how I could ever share him with those other women."

"Ok. I'll make you my special, hot chocolate and you need to get some sleep, you got hardly any last night."

"I did have a long sleep-in this morning." I groaned.

"You need a full tummy and a long sleep. Everything which looks so bad now, will all look so much better in the morning!" she left me and I sank down under the water, and held my breath.

Maybe Pia was right. Things would look better in the morning.

I got ready for bed and drank my hot chocolate. Rufus and I snuggled together in my bed and we slept like logs.