Chapter Two
May
I struggle to heave my massive stomach up and off the bed. I stand on my swollen feet and rub a soothing hand across my belly. My stomach aches and I am tired after being kept up all night by the baby's kicking. I thought you were only to miss out on sleep once the baby was born. But I don't have time to contemplate this much because she is pressing down on my bladder and I need to pee real bad. I waddle to the bathroom hating the effect this baby is having on my body.
I hate being pregnant. I hate that I can't bend down anymore. I hate that I am the size of a house and have permanent heart burn. I hate that I cannot drink. That I cannot smoke. I hate that I am missing out on all the parties.
But I am too scared for what comes after to be looking forward to the end of this pregnancy.
I trudge back through from the bathroom to my bedroom and flick the light on so I can start getting ready for the day. A groan of protest comes from my bed. I turn to face the shirtless body of my boyfriend sprawled out on the bed.
"You need to get up. You have to pick up that crib today," I state very unimpressed.
"Jesus Katniss. I only got in two hours ago," Thom groans.
Anger flares up inside of me and I chuck a pillow at him.
"You didn't have to go to that party. You could have actually stayed in with your girlfriend for once!" I yell. "Your daughter is due in 3 weeks. I have been asking you to pick up that crib for weeks now. I want you to pick the damn thing up today!"
Thom sits up clearly annoyed at my words.
"Stop nagging me woman! I will pick up the fucking thing when I fucking want to and not when you fucking tell me too!" he yells.
"Stop acting like such a child! She could come today and then where would she sleep? The bathtub?" I scream. "This is your baby too. You need to start taking some responsibility."
"I didn't want this baby. You were the fucking one who wanted to keep it. This baby would have been long gone if I had had my way," Thom says coldly.
I am seething. It amazes me that he can feel nothing for his child and that he can talk about her so harshly. She's not even born yet. She has done nothing wrong. My daughter is defenceless.
"Don't speak about our daughter like that. She's coming. You are just going to have to deal with it," I snap at him before storming out the room.
I ease myself down onto a chair at the kitchen table and let out a scream of frustration. My mom, who has just got in from her shift, smiles at my sadly.
I just want him to take some responsibility for what is happening. I want him to love our daughter, take her to her first ballet lesson and play tea parties with her in the back yard. When my dad was alive he and I were really close. We spent every Sunday together, Dad teaching me to sing and various outdoor activities. I want my own daughter to have that experience. I want her to be a daddy's girl.
"What time did he come in last night?" Mom asks.
"Just after 4. I hate that he still gets to go out when I am still stuck at home," I moan.
Mom gives me a sad nod of the head.
Thom has been living with us ever since his parents found out I was pregnant. They were nearing the end of their tether with much of his behaviour and this was the last straw. They chucked him out telling him it was time for him to take responsibility for his actions and he ended up on our doorstep.
Thom had not taken the news well when I first told him. At first he accused me of lying, then cheating before calling me a whore and we didn't speak for 3 weeks. However he eventually got his head around the fact the baby was his and came grovelling asking to get back together again. I want my daughter to have her father. I know all too well how much it sucks to have him gone. So I eagerly accepted his apology and we have been together ever since.
There was early tension when we first got back together again. Thom wanted to get rid of the baby and get things back to the way things were. But I couldn't do it. I have already lost my dad and my sister and the thought of losing the baby was all too much. I feel like I have been familyless for the past 4 years with the loss of my dad and Prim and Mom checking out. I feel with this baby I will finally have a family again.
"I know it's hard honey but no one said this was going to be easy," Mom replies giving my arm a sympathetic rub.
"It'll be better once she's here. He'll have to grow up then. And then I can go out with him sometimes too," I sigh.
"Katniss, you have to realise your life isn't going to go back to way it was before you were pregnant. You won't be able to just leave the baby," Mom says.
"You'll be able to watch her when we go out," I say.
"I have work Katniss. Yes, I will look after her sometimes but I will not become your live in nanny. You will have to provide the majority of her care."
"But you won't just leave me to do it on my own. I have no idea what to do with a baby!" I say panic beginning to rise up in my chest.
Mom has been really good since I told her I was pregnant. It seems this final act was enough to grab her attention and she finally acknowledged me for the first time in 3 years. Something inside of her just seemed to click into place and she has been my rock, coming to all my hospital appointments and helping me prepare for when the baby comes. I couldn't have done these last few months without her.
"Of course I will help. But this is your baby Katniss. I am a little concerned that you haven't quite grasped how hard this is going to be. She is going to be your responsibility. All your actions will center round what is best for her," Mom replies.
I can feel the tears begin to form in the corners of my eyes. I don't want to have to hear how hard this is going to be for me. It's too overwhelming to think about. I didn't want my life to change. I wish I could be like every other kid my age and do whatever I want whenever I want. I can't even think about all the things I will miss out on.
Mom sees my tears and pulls me in for a comforting hug.
"I know this is hard but once you see your baby girl it will be worth it. Trust me," she says.
I hiccough into her chest and grip onto her tightly. I just don't want to grow up so fast.
I leave for school shortly after and don't bother saying goodbye to Thom on my way out.
I push my way into the school halls and make my way through the mass of people. As usual I am followed by judgemental stares and cruel whispers. Apparently these people have nothing better to do than gossip about me. The words slut and whore have been following me about for months. Sadly I have become used to their gossiping and have become able to tune some of it out. I don't want to care about what those assholes think about me. There are more pressing issues I have to contend with. However it doesn't mean I like it less.
Johanna is smoking out back and I make my over to her.
"Hi tubby," she greets me, puffing the smoke away from my face.
"You not dropped yet?" she asks stamping the cigarette out with her doc marten boot.
"You know it's due in 3 weeks," I reply with a sigh. We've been having the same conservation for 2 months now.
"Whatever. You missed a good party last night. Thom was on fine form," she drawls.
My earlier anger at Thom resurfaces again. I don't want to hear about what ridiculous antics he got himself into last night. If I don't get to go out neither should he.
Missing the parties has been the hardest thing about being pregnant. I can't really remember a time where I hadn't gone out and partied at least 3 times a week. I miss the buzz the alcohol and pills give me. I no longer have a way to forget.
And I miss my friends. Johanna is really the only person I see these days. I can't go to the parties and most people are sleeping off the hangover during the day. All they talk about is parties and pills anyway. I can't relate to that anymore and it makes me depressed listening to all the things I may never get to do again.
The few times I have met up with Gale it's been incredibly tense and awkward. In the beginning he had sided with Thom and encouraged me to get an abortion. I was so angry after that comment that I punched him on the nose and didn't speak to him for a month.
After it became clear I was having this baby he just didn't know how to speak to me anymore. We used to be able to tell each other anything but now it seems he can't relate to me anymore. We haven't been to the woods together for months. My belly has prevented me from doing many of the activities we have enjoyed together in the past. He just doesn't know how to handle the bump that continues to grow and stretch my belly. I can see he views me differently now. And I hate it. I hate that this baby has made me lose my best friend.
The bell goes and Johanna and I begin walking to class. I tell Johanna about my argument with Thom this morning but I can tell she is not really listening. She is too busy nursing her hangover. I arrive at my class first and Johanna leaves me with barely a flick of her hand to say goodbye. I waddle into the class and try to squeeze myself into my desk. I hear a snort of laughter from behind me.
"They clearly never planned on having humongous hippos in class when they bought these desks," Glimmer cackles.
I take a deep breath and try to ignore her.
"Honestly how stupid do you have to be these days to get pregnant? Too big of a slut that she couldn't wait the 5 seconds it would take to put a condom on," Glimmer continues. Her friend Clove giggles.
I clench my fists and try to count to ten. She just wants to get a reaction out of me.
"I really think they should sterilise some people. Why do we need another child in the world who is probably going to end up on drugs and in jail," Glimmer adds.
Her last comment is enough for me to forgot my anger management techniques and push my desk back with a bang. She can insult me but I don't want her insulting my baby. I turn around to face her and then launch myself as best as I can at her across the desk. Glimmer shrieks as my hands tug on her long blonde hair and the rest of the class all gather round to watch.
Miss Trinket jumps out her seat and comes over to separate us.
"Honestly Katniss! I can't believe you would do such a thing in your condition! Go and see Mr Cinna at once!" Miss Trinket demands as she pulls me off Glimmer.
Glimmer smirks back at me and I go to hit her again but Miss Trinket has restrained me against her chest. Once I have calm down a little, I shrug out of Miss Trinket's hold and storm out the room.
I burst in Mr Cinna's office without knocking and slam down into the chair in front of his desk. He looks up startled at my abrupt entrance before placing down the papers he was looking at and staring at me concerned.
"What happened?" he asks.
"Fucking Glimmer Mellark! She can talk shit about me all she wants. That's nothing new for her. But she talked crap about my baby. Saying my daughter is going to end up on drugs or in jail!" I rant.
"And how did that make you feel?" Mr Cinna asks.
"Mad. I don't want my daughter to end up like that. I'm going to try my hardest to ensure she achieves everything she wants in life," I reply determinedly.
Mr Cinna gives me a knowing smile. I give him a confused look.
"Now you know how I feel about you," he replies with a small smile.
I give him another quizzical look. He leans forward on his elbows.
"You keep asking why I care about you. My students are like my children Katniss. I want them all to succeed in life, just like you want your own daughter to achieve," he expands.
I sit back in the chair, a little ashamed of how I have treated him these last few years.
I have come to trust him these past 8 months. He was really supportive when he found out I was pregnant. He has set up a plan to make sure I graduate before the baby is born and has always been there when I have needed to talk to someone. I don't find him judgemental or patronizing. He genuinely cares about his students. He's younger than a lot of teachers and that makes him easier to talk to. He helped me realise that I had to change parts of my lifestyle if I wanted to be a good mom for my baby.
"I shouldn't have hit her," I mumble looking down at my protruding belly and rubbing a hand across it.
Mr Cinna sighs at my confession.
"No you shouldn't have. But at least you can admit you were wrong. You wouldn't have done that a few months ago," he says. "You only have one more final to sit and then you can graduate. Prove Glimmer wrong."
I give him a weak smile. The truth is even if I do graduate there will always be people telling me I am a crap mother. There will be judgemental people wherever I go.
"Thanks Mr Cinna. I'll try to keep my cool for the next week," I reply.
He smiles at me warmly.
"For what it is worth, I think you are going to be a truly great mother," he says.
I smile at him gratefully before struggling to pull myself up and heading back to class. At least someone is on my side.
I manage to ignore Glimmer for the rest of the week and sit my final exam in relative peace. I am just glad I was able to complete that before the baby was born. I want to achieve a high school diploma and be a good role model for my daughter.
The morning after my last final I begin to feel stomach pains in my lower abdomen. The pains are quite far apart and I ignore them at first thinking they are some of those practise contractions my doctor talked about. However by midday it is clear that the pain is getting stronger and with one particularly strong one, I collapse against a chair with a yelp of pain.
The noise is enough to bring Mom out of her bedroom. She takes one look at me crouched on the floor, clutching my stomach and knows exactly what is happening.
"How long has this being going on?" she asks rushing over to me and helping me up onto a chair.
"Since this morning. I just thought it was some practise ones," I reply trying to breathe through the pain.
"How far apart are the contractions?" Mom asks feeling my belly.
"I don't know. Maybe every five minutes," I reply as another one begins to take hold.
"Well I hate to tell you but this is the real thing honey," Mom says stroking the hair off my face.
I look back at her panicked before she jumps up to look for her car keys.
"But it's too early. She's not due for another 2 weeks!" I whine.
Fear and panic come rushing to the fore. I can't have this baby now. It's too early. I was supposed to have another 2 weeks to prepare for this. I'm not ready.
Mom looks at me sympathetically and smoothes the hair off my face.
"I know this is scary but babies have been born earlier than this and been alright. We need to get you to the hospital now. Where's Thom?" she asks.
"Working on his truck. He should have his cell phone on him," I say through gritted teeth as another contraction hits me.
Mom nods before finding my phone and leaving a message for Thom. She then comes over to help me get up.
"You think you can make it to the car?" she asks.
I nod my head and let her lead me to the car clutching my belly.
We arrive at the hospital where I am admitted straight away. We still can't get hold of Thom and I am concerned he is not going to be there for the birth of his child. I grip on tightly to my mom's hand as the contractions get more powerful and closer together. I will never forgive him if he misses this.
The labour is painful and tiring. I do my best to not scream in pain during each contraction but it hurts more than I thought it would. The gas and air are a huge relief when I am given them. Having gone 9 months sober it goes straight to my head and my mind briefly wonders back to the time I got drunk and high nearly every night. I realise how stupid I was back then.
I am nearing the final part of labour when Thom finally turns up in a ripped t-shirt and jeans and grease on his hands. I am so relieved he has made it in time that I forget my anger at him and eagerly stick my hand out to reach for him. He looks a bit shell shocked at the situation occurring around him but he comes over to sit down beside me, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles.
"I thought you were going to miss it," I whisper.
Thom squeezes my hand and kisses my knuckles again.
"I'm sorry I'm late. I'm here now. I'm here for our baby," he says.
My heart jumps for joy at his words. I knew when the time came he would be here for us. I want us to be a proper family. I tilt my head towards him to meet his lips in a chaste kiss. I am so glad he is here. I don't want to do this alone.
We are interrupted by the midwife coming through to examine me. I grip Thom's hand tightly as she pushes her fingers inside of me to feel my cervix. She withdraws them and peels off her rubber gloves. Mom, Thom and I all look at her expectedly.
"I think you are ready to start pushing. Ready to be a mom?" the midwife asks.
A mixture of fear and excitement take over. I get to meet my baby soon. It's going to hurt like hell but she'll be here.
Thom grins and kisses my temple as the midwife sets up for delivery. I look at Mom, a little panicked, but she gives me a reassuring smile.
"You can do this sweetie. Your baby will be here soon," she says.
I nod my head at her before turning back round to nuzzle my nose into Thom's hand.
"You're doing so well baby," he whispers. "You're nearly there."
The midwife comes back and tells me I can start pushing on the next contraction. It comes way too quickly for my likely but I grip onto Thom's hand and push as hard as I can.
It is the worse pain imaginable. I am being stretched in places that shouldn't be stretched. This shouldn't be natural. I push with all my might and hope she is coming out alright.
"I can see the baby's head!" my mom exclaims after a few pushes. Thom strains his neck so he can see too but I don't let him let go of my hand.
"She's got dark hair Katniss!" he exclaims with a grin. "Keep going baby. You are amazing. I love you."
Thom kisses my temple again and keeps muttering words of encouragement in my ear. The next contraction comes and I again push with everything I have got.
"You are doing so well Katniss," the midwife says. "One more push and your baby will be here."
I can only nod my head as I continue to feel myself being stretched to the limit. The final contraction comes before I know it and I am pushing and pushing while the others in the room urge me on.
Suddenly the pressure releases and there is a small cry.
I look up to see midwife holding the beautiful baby that is my daughter.
A couple of hours later the midwives have all left leaving Thom, my mom and I alone with my baby. She has been bathed and cleaned and is wearing a sunflower yellow onesie. I sit up, snuggled back into Thom on the bed with her cradled against my chest and snoozing lightly. I haven't been able to stop looking at her since she has been born. She is so tiny and perfect with her little button nose and shock of dark hair. I have never felt so content in my life.
Thom sits with a massive grin on his face as he absentmindedly strokes our daughter's thick hair with his finger. Mom stands at the end of the bed holding the camera.
"She is so gorgeous Katniss. Have you got a name for her yet?" Mom asks.
I look to Thom and he gives me the nod to tell her.
"We're naming her Sage Primrose Everdeen," I say.
Mom looks touched by the name and she gives us a small nod.
"That's a beautiful name. Prim would have liked it," Mom says a little sadly. "You dad would have been so proud."
I get a twinge of sadness as I realise that my sister and father are not here to meet Sage. Prim would have been ecstatic to meet her and I know dad would have spoilt her rotten. I can feel a tear threatening to fall. Sensing I am upset, Thom gives me a reassuring squeeze and kisses the top of my head.
"You can tell Sage all about them," he says.
I choke back the tears and look down at my daughter and kiss the top of her head. She is my future right now. I can't get caught up in the past.
I stay in hospital for the next couple of days and get used to handling a new born. I am sore but get stuck right in looking after Sage. The midwives and my mom show me how to bathe her and change her diaper. I begin nursing her, which hurts at first but causes me great joy when I see her feeding for the first time.
It amazes me how quickly Sage becomes the center of my life. I don't go a minute without thinking about her and didn't realise it was possible to love someone so much.
Those first few days Thom is great. He stays with me the first night at the hospital and helps me feed and change her in the middle of the night. He doesn't stop smiling the whole of those first 2 days. He absolutely dotes on Sage always picking her up, bouncing her about and showering her with kisses. He takes countless photos and sends them to everyone he knows. We even get a visit from his parents who give Sage a stuffed elephant as if that was going to make up for the way they have treated us these past 9 months.
I love seeing Thom like this with her. I had been a daddy's girl when I was younger and desperately want that for Sage. I want her to have the family relationship my family had before Dad and Prim died. I constantly sit and watch Thom with Sage with a big goofy grin on my face.
I can't wait to take her home though. Back there we can start to be a proper family. On the second night the hospital tell me I can go home the next morning. I squeal with excitement and babble excitedly to Sage telling her all about her first home. Thom seems excited and says he is going home so he can get things ready. I tell him that's okay and he gives both Sage and I a kiss before he goes. I can't help but think things are going to turn out alright.
The next day Sage wakes me up early and I feed and change her so she is ready to go home. Mom arrives shortly after I have got her changed and helps me pack up the remaining things.
"Where's Thom?" I ask Mom as I watch her pack my clothes while I rock Sage.
"He left early this morning. I assumed he came here," Mom replies.
I frown a little as I bounce Sage up and down. He should have come straight here. I give Sage to my mom so I can search for my cell phone and call him. I find it in the pocket of my holdall and quickly dial his number.
The phone rings and rings until the voicemail message kicks in.
You've reached Thom. I am too busy having a fucking good time to answer the phone. Leave a message.
I wait for the beep before I leave an annoyed message.
"Hey Thom. It's your girlfriend. Sage and I are leaving the hospital today. I thought you'd be here to take us home. Call us back when you get this message," I say.
I end the message with a huff. Mom looks at me sympathetically.
"Not answering," she states.
I nod my head in confirmation.
"God damn it if he is working on that damn truck instead of being here. I will kill him!" I declare.
Mom gives me another sympathetic look before handing Sage back to me so I can strap her into her car seat.
We wait a while longer but there is still no sign of Thom. I don't want to wait any longer so I leave the hospital with my mom. I sit stewing in the back seat of the car with Sage beside me. I wanted him here for Sage's first day home. This is the start of our lives with her. I am so angry that he is going to miss it. I try calling him again but it continues to go straight to voicemail. I send him a few texts asking where he is and when he is going to be home. He ignores every single one.
Mom pulls up outside our house and helps me unbuckle Sage's car seat out of the car. I take Sage up the steps while Mom takes the rest of the bags. I open the door and take Sage in. I'm not surprised to find Thom not here.
I try not to let the disappointment affect me too much and instead concentrate on Sage.
"This is your first home baby," I coo to Sage.
Sage spits up a little bit in response and I set her down so I can clean her up. Mom comes up behind me and puts the remaining bags down.
"Your home sweet home, Sage," My mom coos.
I smile back at my mother and prepare for my life looking after a new born.
It's midnight and Thom still hasn't come home or returned any of my calls. I have a strong suspicion that he has gone out partying tonight. I can't believe he isn't here the first night Sage is home. I gave up partying, why can't he? I decide to leave him one last voicemail.
"I can't believe you are not here on Sage's first night home. You are her dad. That's means you stay at home to help look after her instead of getting drunk and high with your friends. Do not come home wasted or I swear to god I will kill you," I angrily rant down the phone. I angrily hang up the phone and slam it down against the bed.
Sage stirs and begins to cry from her crib. I tiredly get myself out of bed so that I can feed her. I lift up my t-shirt and she eagerly nuzzles into my chest, latching onto my breast to get her milk. I watch her as she greedily sucks her dinner.
"You're a greedy little madam aren't you," I say to her, stroking her hair.
She, of course, doesn't reply and carries on sucking. No one else is home. It's just her and me. I am left alone with my thoughts.
A/N: Thank you to everyone who has shown interest and support for this story already. I know stories with children that are not both Katniss and Peeta's is not to everyone taste so I appreciate everyone who follows/favourites/reviews the story.
This is the last chapter before Peeta appears. He will make his appearance in the next chapter and the story will follow a more conventional Everlark path from then on. I hope you look forward to it.