Chapter 14
June
The other side of the bed is cold and empty when I wake up. I stretch out onto his side of the bed. I grab his pillow, pushing my nose into it and inhaling his scent of cinnamon and dill. My heart aches.
He didn't come home last night.
I regretted my words the moment they left my mouth. I was stupid to insinuate that Peeta was not a father figure to Sage. He has been such a constant in both of our lives this past year. I know he loves Sage. I know he would do anything to protect her. I know we are the most important people in his life.
I hate that I've hurt him in this way. I hate that I have made him feel so insignificant in our lives.
I had slept fitfully last night as a result, constantly listening out for the sound of the front door and desperately wanting Peeta to come home so I could apologise to him and make him see how much he means to us both.
I reach across for my phone on the bedside table to check if I have any missed messages from him. My heart sinks when I see my inbox empty.
I am momentarily broken out of my despair by the sound of Sage's cry. I roughly wipe back the single tear that has begun to fall before pushing myself out of bed and going to my daughter.
I get Sage changed, making an extra big fuss over her to distract myself from the situation with Peeta. Sage enjoys the extra attention and giggles and squeals in delight as I get her ready for breakfast. I pick her up once I have finished and take her down to feed her. I place her in her high chair where she waits as I prepare her breakfast of yoghurt and banana. She bangs her hands on the chair as she waits impatiently to be fed. Her head then moves to look round the room and a confused look crosses her face.
"Peeta? Peeta?" she asks.
I grip the edge of the counter and have to blink back the tears that threaten to fall. Sage continues to repeat his name again and again, the distress rising in her voice as she realises he's not answering her calls. She has gotten so used to him being around for breakfast. He always makes a big show of feeding her, making eating a game. The sound of her cries are a stab to the heart. She loves Peeta just as much as I do.
I compose myself and turn to hand Sage her breakfast. I try to feed her a mouthful of yoghurt but she just shakes her head stubbornly and continues to chant Peeta's name.
"Peeta's not here sweetie. He's gone to work early," I lie.
This doesn't placate Sage at all and she continues to shake her head rapidly from side to side while still repeating Peeta's name. I drop the spoon and pick her up to try and calm her. I hold her head to my chest and begin to rock her back and forth, humming softly to her. I can't have her upset about this. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my own emotions.
The singing has the desired effect and her cries fall to a whimper until they eventually stop all together and she snuggles close into my chest. We sway together for a few moments as I try not to think about what our life will be like if Peeta doesn't come back.
I finally get breakfast down Sage and manage to change into my work uniform. I should at least be able to see Peeta at work. He has ignored all my voicemails and texts so far and I just want to speak to him so I can convince him just how much he means to Sage and I.
I walk up to the bakery after dropping Sage off at day care, twisting the strap of my bag nervously. I don't know what Peeta will be thinking today. I just hope I find the right words to fix things.
I push into the bakery and brace myself for Peeta's reaction. The sweet smells of chocolate and cinnamon greet me and I look round the bakery nervously to see if Peeta is out front. But I am only met by Bonnie who greets me cheerily while she writes the specials on the board.
"Hey," she greets. "I hope it's not too bad with Peeta?"
Her question stops me in my tracks. What does she know? How much has Peeta told her?
"Is it just some virus he's caught?" Bonnie asks innocently.
Now I understand. Peeta must have called in sick.
He's not here. He's missing work to avoid me.
I put on a fake smile and tell Bonnie I think it is just a 24 hour thing before I go through to the back to put down my stuff. I allow the pain of Bonnie's revelation to briefly surface. I wrap my arms tight around my chest to try and stop the aching in my heart. I thought I'd be able to fix things here.
I try to act normally as the morning rush comes in but inside I am dying. I can't stop thinking about Peeta and the pain I have caused him and wondering if he will ever forgive me.
On my lunch break I begin calling round his family and friends to discover if anyone has seen him. I need at least to know where he is and maybe find out how he is coping. The not knowing is driving me insane with panic and worry.
Eventually I find some success with Madge. Apparently he turned up at her apartment last night looking extremely wounded and heartbroken. I mentally curse myself for causing him so much pain. He is so good. He doesn't deserve to be hurt in such a way.
"He's pretty hurt Katniss. He thought he was something more to you and Sage. He's just trying to figure out where he stands," Madge tells me.
"I know. I was hurtful to him. I didn't mean it. He means so much to me," I state.
"I know you love him. But you need to figure out exactly what you want from him. It's crushing him to think he will only ever have a bit part in Sage's life. He loves Sage as his own. Just be absolutely sure of what he is too you before you speak to him," Madge says.
I nod my head even though I know Madge can't see me.
"I will," I state. "Tell him that I am sorry and want to speak to him."
Madge promises me that she will and she hangs up with a terse goodbye. I can tell she is not happy with the pain I have caused her friend.
After picking up Sage from day care we make our way back home. As I put the key in the lock I desperately hope that I will find Peeta on the other side of the door. Sage babbles contentedly in my arms, a day at day care is enough to make her forget her longing for Peeta. At least she is happy for now.
I push open the door and call out his name as I enter.
I'm met with silence.
I stand in the doorway despondently as the crushing reality of this fact sinks in. I think I have really screwed up this time.
I busy myself for the rest of the evening, preparing dinner and playing with Sage all in an effort to take my mind of what Peeta might be thinking.
After I have fed Sage I hear a knock on the door. Sage is playing with her toy train set while making a string of random sounds. She had questioned briefly about Peeta during her dinner but the train set seems to have placated her for now. I stroke the top of her head as I rise off my feet to answer the door. My heart pounds in nervousness. Maybe it is Peeta.
However my heart drops in disappointment as soon as I open the door. Thom stands on the other side in ripped jeans, vest and baseball cap. He twirls around a tooth pick in the corner of his mouth. He gives me a cheeky grin and pushes past me into the house. I watch him as he goes through to the living room uninvited to greet Sage.
"Hey Kiddo," he says to Sage as he bends down to sit on the coffee table beside her. "Cool train."
Sage looks up at him briefly before turning back to her train disinterested. I get the feeling he is not the person she wants to see either.
Why did he have to turn up now? I don't want to deal with him. He's the reason I am in this mess anyway.
"What are you doing here?" I ask as I follow him through.
"To see Sage of course," he says reaching out and ruffling Sage's hair.
He then looks up and scans the room.
"Where's Mellark?" he asks.
"He's at a friend's," I reply.
Technically not a lie. I don't want him to know about my problems with Peeta. The problems he caused. It would make him way too happy.
Thom smirks as he picks up one Sage's trains and turns it round in his hand. Sage is too busy playing with her own train to really pay much attention to him.
"He really didn't like me being here," he replies with a smug grin.
The anger rises up in my chest. I realise in that moment that Peeta was completely right. Thom didn't come back to see Sage. His ego was dented to see me with another man. He came back to remind Peeta who had had me first. He wanted to cause issues between us both.
"Why did you even come back? Is it just to mess with my life?" I ask accusingly.
Thom looks up at me his smug smile now gone.
"I want to see Sage," he replies a little too defensively.
I shake my head at him.
"You had 8 months to see her. I know from talking to Gale you didn't think about her once," I state trying to hide the anger rising in my voice. I don't need to get Sage upset.
"What type of accusation is that? I can't believe you would think I am playing some sort of game!" Thom says raising his voice.
"Then where were you yesterday? Too busy recovering from your hangover? Or driving around in your truck? I can see why those things would have been more important than your daughter," I reply bitterly. "If you were serious about Sage you would have come yesterday."
Sage has now stopped playing with her toys and she looks between Thom and I. She can sense the tension in the room.
"Just tell me. Did you come back to try and stake some sort of claim on me? Remind Peeta that there will always be part of you left behind?" I ask.
Thom doesn't answer me. He stares back at me his jaw tense. That is answer enough for me.
I let out a disbelieving laugh. I can't believe how stupid I have been with him. He will never get over his possessive jealousies over me. A sense of owning me will always be more important than Sage.
"We were never good together. We were cruel and mean to each other. Always trying to do one over on the other. We never really loved each other. It wasn't healthy," I state.
Thom continues to stare back at me his jaw tense. He knows I'm right. That we were a bad influence on each other.
"But I grew up when I fell pregnant with Sage. And you didn't. You still haven't. You don't understand what it is to be a parent. To love someone so unconditionally that you put their needs before your own. You're still too selfish," I say.
Thom clenches his jaw. I've clearly hit a nerve.
Peeta is right. Thom is not ready to change. He probably will never be. I can't have him in Sage's life with the way he is acting at the moment. It will only end up with my daughter getting hurt. I can't allow that to happen.
"That's Mellark's words in your mouth. He's got you brainwashed to hate me," Thom says harshly.
I shake my head.
"Peeta loves me. He loves Sage. He only wants what is best for us," I state.
Thom scoffs. He has never been good at hiding his dislike for Peeta. Peeta is everything he is not; smart, caring and loyal. Thom's jealousies run deep with him.
"If you are really serious about seeing Sage you can take it up with the courts. I don't think you are a stable presence in my daughter's life," I state.
Thom's nostrils flare with anger. He doesn't like being told what to do. Maybe one day he will finally grow up and be ready to be a dad but today is not that day. Unless he is doing this for the best interests of Sage I won't let him in.
"Stuff that. I shouldn't have to apply for the right to see my daughter," he shouts.
"You have done nothing to prove to me you can be a capable father," I say calmly.
Thom stares me down for a few moments, his jaw tense and his eyes hard. But I don't flinch. Sage, who has been watching us carefully, gets up off her bottom and toddles over to me, wrapping her arms around my leg. I look down at her before bending down to pick her up. Her arms go around my neck protectively and she looks at Thom curiously.
"I will always thank you for giving me Sage but right now I can't have you in our lives," I say.
Thom narrows his eyes at me, before flitting them over to Sage. He mumbles some further grievances before turning and muttering a goodbye. I don't bother showing him out. Sage and I watch him slam the door as he goes.
Sage looks at me and I give her a small smile and a kiss on the forehead.
"Don't worry Sweetpea. He's not going to bother us anymore," I state.
Sage makes one of her undistinguishable sounds before reaching out and playing with the ends of my hair. Thom's leaving has little effect on her.
Later I sit playing with Sage on the floor. She runs the wooden train back and forth along the carpet making various babbling sounds. I run a matching train beside her encouraging her to make the train go round in circles.
As we are playing I hear the key turn in the lock and my head snaps towards the front door.
Peeta appears in the door way moments later with tired eyes and sad smile. Sage perks up immediately as he enters and stretches out her arms to reach for him.
"Peeta!" she exclaims.
A genuine smile appears on Peeta's face and he makes his way over to her. He sits down next to me and pulls Sage into his lap.
"Hey Sweetpea! What did you get up to today? Playing with your trains?" Peeta asks snuggling her into his chest.
"Peeta!" Sage replies again joyishly.
Peeta smiles again, his joy at being near her evident.
"I missed you Sweetpea. Sorry I wasn't here this morning," Peeta says kissing the top of her head.
Sage lets out a high pitched giggle and reaches out to pat his face. Peeta grins at her again and brings his head down so he can rub his nose against hers. She laughs again before catching sight of his shiny gold watch and reaching across to play with the strap. Peeta smiles before taking the watch off and handing it to her for her to play with.
I sit watching him cautiously, unsure of how he is going to react.
"I didn't know if you would come back," I say quietly.
Peeta looks me in the eye.
"I don't abandon the people I love," he states stroking the top of Sage's head.
"I don't want to fight with you," I reply.
"I'm not here to fight. But we've got some things to sort out," he says.
I nod my head in understanding. Peeta is not one to run and hide from his feelings.
"I feel I owe you an explanation about the way I acted last night," Peeta says.
"You don't need to explain anything. I was the one in the wrong," I reply.
"No Katniss. Just listen to me," he says earnestly.
I nod my head letting him know he can go on. Peeta takes a deep breath and pulls Sage in closer to him.
"I love you so much. It's one of those all consuming loves where I can't go a moment without thinking about you. You make me happy by simply walking into the room. I've never loved someone the way I love you," he says.
My heart fills with love for this man. I love him in the same way. This last day has been living hell not knowing when I was going to see him again.
"And then there's Sage. There are not enough words to describe how much I love her. I love her like a father. I see her as my own daughter. I hate the thought of anything bad happening to her. I want to be the guy that takes her to her first ballet lesson and scares off her first boyfriend," he carries on.
I smile up at him. I know this. I have known he loves Sage just as much as I do for a long time. I just didn't really understand what that meant.
"I know your worst fear is that I'm going to wake up one day and regret being with you and Sage, that someday I am actually going to leave you," he says.
I smile up at him sadly. I can never quite get over that particular insecurity. He just seems too good for me.
"Well my greatest fear is that Thom is going to come back and take you and Sage away from me," he states.
I look up at him shocked. Does he honestly believe that I would leave him for Thom?
"You and Sage are my family now. I can't imagine either of you not being in my life. But I know you could walk out the door tomorrow and I would have no rights to ever see either of you again," he says sadly. "I was just jealous of him coming back. No matter how hard I try he will always be her biological father. I let that get in the way of everything else. I know I didn't make things easy for you while he was back and I'm sorry about that. Things would have been a lot easier if I had been more honest with you at the start instead of letting my jealousies linger."
I reach out to him now, wrapping my hand around his neck and forcing him to look at me. I have spent so much time worrying about my own insecurities I didn't stop to think about Peeta's own ones.
"Listen. There is no need to be jealous of Thom. I love you," I state firmly. Peeta gives me a small smile in return. "Thom came round today and I realised that you were right. He's not good for Sage right now. It's just all a game to him. I told him if he wanted to see Sage he would have to take it up with the courts. He has no hold over me anymore"
"Really?" Peeta asks with disbelief.
I nod.
"I can't guarantee that Thom will never come back. One day he may even be ready to be a dad but if that happens we will deal with him together."
Peeta smiles and nods in head in agreement. I pull him closer to me.
"You have to understand that I had close to the perfect family while Dad and Prim were alive. We didn't have much but it didn't matter because we all loved each other. And then I lost it all after the car accident and I have been desperately searching for it again ever since," I say.
Peeta smiles at me sadly as he readjusts a squirming Sage on his lap.
"When I fell pregnant I thought that I could only have that family again if I was with Thom. He was her biological father and I didn't think I could ever be part of a proper family without him. That's why I kept letting him in. I just wanted a family like I had before," I carry on.
Peeta nods his head in understanding.
"But I have been stupid. I've got the family I have been searching for. I've had it for a long time. It just isn't with the man I thought it would be with," I say.
Sage has now discarded Peeta's watch and turns her attention to the long tendrils of my hair. I smile down at her warmly and stroke the top of her head as she tangles her fingers in my dark locks. I then look back up to Peeta.
"I know how much you love her. I need to stop thinking about Sage as my daughter. She's our daughter. I'm so sorry that I implied she wasn't. It was heartless. Sage loves you. I don't care about DNA. You are her father," I state.
Peeta smiles at giddily.
"You really mean that?" he asks.
I lean forward and place my forehead against his.
"Yes," I say with a small smile. "You and Sage are my family."
Peeta's smile broadens and he leans into give me a soft kiss on the lips.
Sage makes a shrieking noise to remind us that she is still here and wants some more attention. Peeta and I both pull back with a small chuckle. We look down at Sage and I stroke the top of her head.
"We're a proper little family now, aren't we?" I say bobbing my head at Sage.
Sage lets out a high pitched shriek and waves her hands in the air. Peeta and I both chuckle.
I look back at Peeta and he smiles at me. We should have had this conversation months ago and when it was clear about Peeta's love and commitment to Sage. He has done more than enough to show me he is a loving and caring father for her. It feels good to have sorted this out. Now we can move on from this and grow as a family.
A/N: So Katniss got the family she has been searching for the last 5 years. She can now live her happily ever after with Peeta and Sage.
This is the resolution of the story but I will be posting an epilogue next week. I hope you all enjoyed the journey that Katniss and Peeta went on and the happy ending they got.