-xxx-
Day One-
PAST.
We were doomed from the beginning, Jay. I met you when my step-father was dying of cancer. Thankfully, he is still alive. But at the time, I was lost. I guess I was always just a lost cause, maybe that's why I felt the need to make everything my cause. If I focus on someone or something else, it takes away from myself. Anyway, I was dating Sean Cameron. And everyone thought we were soul mates. (Oh the irony there, don't you see, if we were soul mates, if such a thing as soul mates existed, we would still be together. But I digress) Sean Cameron was my "knight in shining denim". In seventh grade, he walked into homeroom and when Snake asked him to tell the class about himself, he simply shrugged and replied "No". No one wanted anything to do with Sean Cameron, but I found that soft side in him. That side that was loving and compassionate and caring and we had a little thing. Until he decided it was more important to fight Jimmy Brooks, and when I tried to stop the fight, I was pushed to the ground. I think my heart broke for the first time that day. But eventually, Sean and I decided to give it another go. Then you came into the picture. You were this hardcore type of kid who didn't take shit from anyone. You were all over Alex, you're girlfriend at the time, and you guys trashed me every time I talked to Sean. It hurt me, but I pretended it didn't. I was a girl in high school, of course those words were going to hurt. I'm not made of steel. But anyway, eventually you "converted Sean" (as I used to put it), and he dumped me. We had this huge fight in the middle of school, and I called him pathetic. But I thought, maybe Jay will stop making fun of me now, since I'm no longer occupying his best friend. But really? You just got worse. And I hope you know I'm not writing this all to make you feel like shit, and this isn't the reason why I want to end things. I don't want to end things at all Jay, but I need to. So we fought, and threw harsh remarks around. And then, you had the nerve to steal from a man dying of cancer. It still makes me angry to think about that sometimes, but I know you've made up for it. So I will not hold it against you. Anyway, I accused you and went to the principal, but you're not dumb so why would you have the evidence in your car. In the end, I ended up getting humiliated in front of the whole school, and blah blah blah. The end. Right, no? So then Rick came alone, Rick. He was a psychopath, and sometimes, I'm really thankful that you pushed him over the edge. I would never dream of admitting that, because I hated you for the longest time, I couldn't sleep at night because I saw him holding that damn gun. And the sleeping pills? They just made things worse. But atleast… atleast he couldn't have done anything else, who knows. Had it not been for the tar-and-feathering incident causing him to bring the gun, would he have killed me later on? Would I be writing this to you, my love? So Sean, who I wasn't even dating, up and left. And I was alone once again. I ended up in the ravine one night, and you were sitting there. You never seemed to be in pain, and I wanted to feel that for once. I wanted to become numb. And that night, I experienced more than that. I experienced sexual want, and desire. For that moment, I felt powerful, watching you writher and moan against my mouth and my hand. I was in control of someone else's emotions. I would walk down the hall as you made out with Alex, but you would always look at me long enough for me to notice. For me, to be driven crazy. Did you know how mad I was over you that time? I guess so. Maybe you're intentions weren't pure, or maybe they were. I would have never found out because then, then I found out you gave me gonorrhea. That was when I knew I had to break things off with you. Jay Hogart only caused me pain and misery, I told myself. But it wasn't entirely true. I had developed some feelings for you, and I hated to see you with Alex, or Amy. Sometimes, I dreamed it was me in Alex's position, being thrust into the lockers to divulge in a passionate lip-lock. Then you left, well you were forced out. I thought I would never see you again, my days of lusting, and liking Jay Hogart were finished. But were they really?
I had a bad feeling when I woke up this morning. It felt like I always felt when I was losing someone, but I refused to believe this. I have to be strong, I have to make this work. After 6 days, I will be free of you. So why aren't I happy? I went to visit Manny today, we walked too a little café by her studio.
"You don't look so good, Em. Is something wrong, did you and Jay have another fight" she asked, trying to sooth me.
How predictable have we become when my own best friend sees my gloomy mannar as us having another fight. Should we be subjected to live like this? It's not healthy Jay. All we ever do is fight. And it's never over anything important. We fight over you leaving the toilet seat up, over me forgetting to pick up 2% milk, it's just not worth it.
"No, Manny, Jay and I didn't have another fight," I unintentionally sighed,
"Okay" Manny drug out, rolling her eyes, "did someone kick Eggers? Because you've got that whole 'someone just kicked my dog' sad look on your face"
Eggers, you always loved him, didn't you? What could I say, I was crazy about the little guy. He was a great dog, loyal, sure he barked, and caused some trouble. He'd steal my socks, but he loved me, unconditionally.
"I'm breaking up with Jay at the end of this week" I announced, stiring my coffee.
Manny spit out her mocha latee all over me,
"Manny!" I screamed, grabbing a napkin and wiping it off.
Were you right or were you right? I could never just chill when things happened. I had to fuss about them. It's just some coffee right, what's the big deal? Well to me, it was a big deal.
"Emma, no, why?" Manny gasped dramatically.
So, I couldn't help but wonder how you and Manny didn't end up together. She's hot, and you're hot. She's more laid back than I'll ever be. And she could whip you into shape.
"Cut the acting, Manny. It's not working out" I sighed, dabbing the remainder of the coffee off my new jacket.
Manny stared at me as if I had grown three heads, "Not working out? Emma, you and Jay, are like .. Spike and Snake, or… Joey and Caitlin, If you're not together, then what does that mean for the rest of us?"
Any other day, I could handle Manny and her melodramatics, but today was a bad enough day to begin with.
"You had to see this coming. All we do is fight, it's draining. And I can't help but think I'm making him miserable"
Manny went silent, for once in her life, I guess I had really shocked her, "Listen, Manny. Nothing is final until the end of the week. I promised him that much"
And I did. When I went to your work to explain that I needed to free myself from the chasm we had dug ourselves into, you had looked me in the eye and said, "Emma, I love you, atleast, just think about this. We can make it work. Give me atleast a week"
And I obliged.
"Emma, are you kidding me. You're like the only reason Jay ever smiles. He's madly in love with you! And you are madly in love with him! Couples who are madly in love, stay madly in love, so stop acting coco bananas and just stay with Jay forever and make little Jemma's"
This conversation was really getting to me, and I didn't want it to. I needed to believe that I could free myself from you with ease. Sometimes when were having sex, and I mean hot passionate sex, you look at me, and we connect eyes as if to say, "this is real, this moment is real, and we are in reality, together" but lately, I haven't been there. Even as I'm hitting my mind-blowing, teeth chattering orgasms you bring me to, I haven't felt it. It's like the ravine, but worse. And believe me, I never wanted that.
"Manny, I have to go help Spike with something I'll see you later" and with that, I gave her a huge hug, and let a single tear escape from my eye before wiping it away with a force faster than the windshield wiper on your old civic, and got in my car and went home.
My phone rang four times in the last hour, and it was all you. I know I gave you a week. But I just can't talk to you. I need to think about myself first, for once Jay. I'm feeling lost lately, and you've been trying. But it's just going to have to end. Don't worry, you'll find another girl as soon as you know it.
I see the way the women look at you when they come in the garage. You think all girls wear tiny miniskirts to get their oil checked on? When you walk up to the desk, they press their chests against the desk as if it were a victoria's secret maximum push up bra. It's really sad, because half the time, I wanted to walk up and bitch slap them, or walk up and slide my tongue in your mouth, kissing you with a mouth gapping wider than when I'm at the dentist. But once again, I digress. Regardless, you'll find a girl. One who won't argue about whether the cleaning supplies your using are environmentally friendly, one who won't write in a gay journal when she feels like breaking up with you. One that won't love you as much as I do, but will come close.
-Emma.