Elsa.
Rapunzel isn't the quiet type.
In freshman year, her crush on this football player named Flynn (or Eugene, nobody truly knows) spread like wildfire because somebody overheard her telling Merida all about it. Rumor has it that the two girls were in the janitor's closet and the kid who heard the conversation was in a classroom across the hall.
About six months after that incident, a rumor that Merida tried to turn her three brothers into bears with witchcraft began circulating. According to Rapunzel, the whole situation was "a dream Merida had that we were discussing. She's not a witch, although her hair is a monster."
And then, on a random lunch period in the mid twenty-something of September, Ariel informed me of somebody having a crush on Hans.
Eric, who had his arm thrown around her at the time, confirmed that this "somebody" was Anna Summers.
Something inside of me felt empty.
Actually, this happened about two minutes ago, and something inside of me still feels empty. Despite something like this being obvious since day one, I am shocked. Disgusted as well. Hans? Hans? The fucking piece of shit who I bitterly associate with myself? The sleaze?
Then I remember that this sleazy asshole has Anna, this girl whom I have intense feelings for, this near-stranger whom I care for immensely, right at his fingertips.
I am still at the lunch table. My fists are balled up tightly and I'm gnawing on the inside of my cheek, but the others have dismissed this topic. Eric and Ariel have returned to making out. Jasmine (a dark-skinned girl with thick black hair) is throwing grapes at her boyfriend, Aladdin; Belle and her burly football-playing boyfriend Adam are studying together (she's doing more of the studying, though). Aurora, Snow White (her real name's Rachel, but she's as pale as a ghost, so she got called that right from the start), and Mulan are in the lunch line with their boyfriends.
Damn. Everybody's a couple.
And then there's me, all alone. Fawning over some girl I shouldn't be obsessing over-oh, and horrible plot twist, she likes my douchebag brother.
And something inside of me still feels empty.
Something inside of me feels as if I should have spent more time with Anna. I should have accompanied more on trips to her classes and we should have chatted more on the garden on the roof. Maybe I should have told her how I felt, or at least hinted it. Maybe I should have forgotten about my parents.
Conceal, don't feel.
That phrase will always return to haunt me.
I sigh inwardly, and, hands shaking slightly, I snatch my small carton of chocolate milk and bring the straw to my lips. I smile at Jasmine as I sip, hoping she will buy my fake happiness. And I keep my eyes on Jasmine, because if I allow them to wander even for a millisecond, I know where I will look first. And this knowledge infuriates me.
Jasmine gives me a small but reluctant smile (can't blame her, I must look creepy at this point), before diverting her attention back to her boyfriend. Aladdin-who is infamous for thieving and is known for being mischievous-is singing her some song about a magic carpet ride. She giggles and jealousy flares up inside me.
Anna. Anna. Anna.
Instinctively, my mind repeats my motto: Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. My brain is drilling this thought into itself, into my body, making my head ache slightly and my heart slow down a little, calmed by the familiar phrase.
Just keep telling yourself that, Elsa, I tell myself, confidence gaining gradually with each word. If I keep telling myself something, maybe it will become true. So far, conceal, don't feel has worked on molding me into an apathetic being. Next mission: Stop the gay.
My stomach twists at "gay." These foreign emotions could conclude something I pray is impossible; the thing is, I pray, I am not sure. I pray my damn soul out that this "gay" thing is not a possibility, but I haven't exactly tried to explore it. You know, take a trip on the S.S. Homo.
Experiment.
And I sure as hell don't plan on doing it. I have a family and a town I would rather not disappoint. I am expected to follow my mother's footsteps and help Arendelle prosper; I am expected to have a daughter and she is expected to follow my footsteps.
Maybe I'll be a horrible mayor, but I can't be worse than my great grandmother. And nobody talks about my great grandmother.
There are slapping sounds; it takes me a moment to realize those are the sounds of shoes scraping against the tile. Lunch is nearly over, and I spent the whole time with Anna on my mind.
On the bright side, you will get to know her, I assure myself, getting up with my tray at hand. I amble over to the garbage cans. Just with Hans at her side and with your parents watching over those two constantly.
I want to smack myself, but instead I scowl and dump my leftovers in the trash. Hans was not informed of this yet, I remind myself. But if he is...
There is a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I determine it as anger and storm back to my table, quietly fuming.
I am not sure why I am furious: Maybe it is because of Hans will hurt Anna, or maybe it is because of the feelings I am trying so hard to ignore, or maybe it is because Anna is just so fucking cute with those freckles and vibrant eyes and enthusiastic smile whenever the teacher calls on her in class. But it is impossible to pin the reason for my infuriation on somebody else, so the next suspect is myself.
Conceal, don't feel, and don't rip Hans' balls off.
XXX
Next period-Language Arts-I see Anna. Well, of course I see Anna; (un)fortunately, I share every class with her. However, I don't want to see her. Once my gaze locks into hers an she gives me an excited wave, my stomach contracts sickeningly and my heart beats fast and my face turns hot and why.
Curtly waving back, I force a smile and hurry along to a seat at the very back corner of the classroom. However, where I sit does not seem to matter, because my friends have seated themselves in the desks surrounding mine.
I curse inwardly and feel a head of sweat at my hairline. Goddammit, Elsa, don't look up, I order, and I keep my gaze low as I set my shoulder bag beside my desk.
I can feel Anna's energy radiating throughout the room; she's always been like that, I've noticed. Her mood seems to completely change the atmosphere. Whenever she was happy, the sky was a beautiful blue and the sun shone and it was never too hot or too cold outside. But during all those times when I fucked up my words and blatantly ignored her, the sky was overcast and it was cold, terribly cold, unbearably cold. And it's barely been a month.
All this within one month.
From my peripheral vision I see Anna seat herself in a desk at the opposite end of the room; Rapunzel is in the class as well, and right now she is really living up to the "not a quiet person thing." My throat goes dry when I realize she is talking about Hans.
The teacher walks into the classroom, and class ensues.
XXX
I AM ALIVE!
Yes, I have begun writing once again. After the hiatus that lasted an eternity-sorry about that, by the way.
I have decided to take a more slow approach to this story; I knew that if I rushed it, I wouldn't be satisfied with the results like last time. This means updates won't occur often, but in each chapter, I'll try to explore the characters' feelings a bit more. As you can tell from this chapter, Elsa's under a lot of pressure.
Anyway, thank you for reading and stay awesome!