Day 4

So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, Peter and me breaking up. So then we started to see each other more and more, and eventually you asked me out. You didn't stage a whole romantic dinner and then asked me to be you're girlfriend. You just looked at me casually one day and said, "you wanna be my girlfriend?" And it just felt so right, regardless of the way you asked. For once, I had no doubts that the guy I was dating actually wanted to be with me. (At least for the first couple of months) I was so excited when you did, it was as if nothing bad had happened in my past, with you I mean. The gonorrhea incident was forgotten, as was everything else. Our past, just didn't matter any more. We were totally different people than we were before. You apologized constantly, and I asked you to stop. I didn't mind it, and when you apologized, it just made things seem fake, like you were dating me as some sort of peace treaty. People didn't understand it, why would you be with me? Your friends practically begged you to dump me, even when I was around. They all hated me, and I couldn't blame them. They spent almost all of high school torturing me, and all of the sudden, the leader in it all was dating me? They thought I had you under some sort of mind control. They thought you needed to date a girl that was not only hot, but bad ass. One who didn't care about fighting causes, but one who created problems? My friends were confused and worried, but they were too scared to say anything when you were near, which was a lot. Jt came over to my house one day when he knew you wouldn't be there, and tried to give me a lesson on choosing the right people to date. Coming from someone who was dating Liberty? She may be my friend, but wow. Manny was the first to accept you, she saw the impact you had on me and let things go. She knew you made me happy and I made you less of an asshole, so it worked. Eventually even JT and Toby warmed up to you. And they consider you their friend, which is about the cutest thing I've ever heard. Even teachers learned to accept it, at first all the teachers would give me looks as if I were crazy, and would treat you like they were ruining Emma Nelson. They saw how you're grades improved, and mine didn't go down, and learned it was none of their business to pass judgment on us. But my parents? Well, that was something neither one of us was prepared to face. I remember the first time you came over for a family dinner, or whatever. My mom was sitting there and tried so hard to be nice, she opened the door and smiled a fake smile. Snake just kind of sat there, not really saying anything, which makes things extremely awkward, because usually my dad is the one who talks up a storm. Jack smiled at you and was excited to make a new friend. He asked you to play legos with him, and you promised you would another time. (Which you did). You were so polite to my parents, but they still didn't quite accept you, and that drove me crazy. I was always so mad at them. You did everything in your power to get them to like you, but they were holding back. It took half the year for them to warm up to you, but eventually they did, and started inviting you to family holidays and parties. This was about a year ago. Wow, we've been together for a whole year, it's crazy when you think about it. Everyone thought this was bound to fail, from the beginning. I guess it wasn't the beginning… more like the end?

I went to my parents house today, I figured it would help me take my mind off of some things, and I know it kills you every time I write that, because you would much rather have me be thinking about how horrible this idea is. The dorm was too cold, it was dark and depressing from the rain, and I couldn't stand to be there. You know how I get sometimes, and it was just one of those days where I needed to get away from things.

I walked in the door and the house smelled like chocolate chip cookies, it was wonderful.

"Emma!" Spike shrieked, "my baby! How is college? Are your classes entertaining? Are they challenging enough? How is your roommate? Did you get the money I sent in the mail? I thought you weren't coming home til December 9th? What are you doing here early? How is Jay?"

I smiled as I gave her a big hug, "One at a time, mom" My mom was one of my best friends, and not a mom-best friend but an actual best friend. I could talk to her about anything, including birth control. Thank god for that, right Jay?

She gushed and slid me a chocolate chip cookie on a plate, I couldn't remember the last time I had a homemade chocolate chip cookie. Dorm life is definitely not as exciting as everyone says it is. The food is alright, but it doesn't come anywhere near to homemade food. Even though my dorm is only an hour away, I don't visit nearly as much as I should. And that kills me, but what can I say? There's so much less drama at school. And on the weekends, I'm with you, or Manny, or someone at the university.

"Emma, honey. I'm so excited to see you" She couldn't help but smile, "So why are you looking so glum. Christmas is soon!"

"Eh, just school" I shrugged, she could see through that a mile away. I never was good at hiding how I felt from my mom, my dad, Manny or even you. Which would have made things so much easier.

She stopped putting the cookies on a plate, and sat down next to me, "What's going on?"

What should I do? Tell her the truth that my relationship is failing because of a personal choice to end it, or lie.

"I'm going to break up with Jay at the end of the week" I sighed. I swore I never saw my mom's eyes get so big. She practically worships you. They like to think you saved me form a spiraling depression, and saved them from a big fat check to the psychiatrist for mind-numbing drugs. You probably did, Jay.

"What? Why?" She asked,

"I don't know, Mom. I just feel like it's not going to work. I feel like I'm holding him down"

"How could you even begin to think that, Emma?" she said, rubbing my shoulder.

"Well, Jay got offered a really great job at this auto shop…" I began, giving time for the words to soak in, I really hadn't mentioned this to anyone before. I hope you don't mind, but I needed to let it out. Spike stood there motioning for me to go on, "But it's four hours away, in the States. And, he isn't going to take it… because of me" I sighed,

"Oh Emma," My mom hugged me, as if she knew the pain this was causing me. How could she? This was too much; I only want the best for you Jay. I don't want you to throw everything you worked for away.

"Mom, he can't ruin his future because of me! This is the job of his dreams, and he's going to say no because of me! I have to dump him, it's the least I can do for him!" I sobbed.

"Emma, I don't know what to tell you, this is a decision you have to make. But, even if you break up, are you sure he'll take the job? There are a million things to consider. Why cant you just talk to him about taking the job, and staying together. You're in college right now, and the next three years of college are just going to get harder, it might be good that he's a little further away, so you can focus on your studies. Not that he distracts you, but I'm sure you two can find a way to work this out. You do love each other right?"

I nodded, "more than anything" came out between whimpers.

"Well who knows, maybe in three years, another job will come along.."

How is that my mom can make perfect sense, sometimes. Her idea was really starting to make sense, until I got home that night. But I will mention that later.

Next came my dad, he walked into the kitchen as I was sobbing and made his typical, "Oh boy" face, before sitting down across from us.

"Hey, Em" He said, cautiously, not wanting to upset me anymore.

"Hi, dad" I whispered, "How are you?" My façade was on once again, and I could pretend to be happy around Dad. It's not like I didn't do it all through out high school.

"I'm good" I could tell he was scared to ask how I was.

For the sake of Snake's sanity, I wiped the remaining tears away and looked up at him and smiled.

"How have you been, kiddo?" He said, ruffling my hair,

"Eh, I've been busy, to say at the least. College is a lot different than Degrassi but I absolutely love it"

"That's great. How's that trouble-making boyfriend of yours doing?" Snake, said winking, this was his idea of a joke. He absolutely loves you Jay.

I choked on air, and smiled, "Good"

"He's a good kid when he gives a care" He said, watching his language in front of Jack.

"Yeah… which is why I have to dump him" I threw out casually.

More proof that my family is bonkers over you, Jay. My dad gave me the same crazed look my mom did; thus me having to explain the situation all over again.

"That's crazy, Emma! You can just stay together and have him take the job, and then stay together after college!"

I swear to god they think it is much simpler than it really is. Seriously, if it was so easy, would I be going crazy over the situation? I've been so anxious over this situation, I'm really losing it. I haven't been able to eat, or sleep.

I was sitting in my dorm room after the drive home. My roommate was gone, she's pretty absent lately, she met this new boyfriend. And I don't blame her for being gone. It's kind of a good thing; it makes studying and thinking a lot easier on my part. So I was sitting there, letting the words my mom and dad said to me, sink in. At the time they made sense, but now that I overanalyze, it's starting to seem much more difficult. Here is my list of why it will not work

Emma Nelsons Top Five Reasons Why the Whole 'Stay Together Until After College' Plan will not work:

Making Sure You Take the Job- So let's say, we talk about this all, and you agree to take the job. How did I know you actually will, what if you say it is just not available. What if, after reading this notebook, you think this job is the cause for our breakup, and refuse to take it, just to stay together? I can't take that risk with your future Jay, this is your dream.

Long Distance Relationship – Long Distance Relationships never work, I've read enough Cosmo to figure that one out. Even if you take the job, and move three hours away. How will we guarantee time to see each other? How will we stay together until I get out of college? How will this work, with you in a totally different environment? This leads to my next reason…

Expecting you to remain single- How can I expect someone as gorgeous, handsome, funny, and smart to remain single? As I mentioned already, I see the way the girls look at you. It's not like you exactly have a type in sex partners, besides 'has a vagina', and with all the hot girls around you all day, you're bound to be tempted. Even if we stay together, I cant expect you to deny every sexual encounter. It's not about trust, or love, or anything when I say this, it's about biology and chemistry. Humans are programmed to desire sex.

What Happens after College – so let's say, we stay together. How do we know what is going to happen after college? Lives change so much in a matter of three years. What if you figure out that I'm not the one for you? Or you get transferred to another place? What if you completely forget about me?

Location – So another scenario, I graduate from college, you have you're job. What now? How do I know if I want to live in the states? All my family and friends are in Toronto. And even if I want to move there, what if I can't find a job. Then what?

You see Jay, what may seem logical, can appear totally illogical after some deep consideration. And trust me; I'm really looking over the options.