Chapter Two
"Are you out of your mind?" yelled Simon, standing up abruptly. "You are completely psychotic! She's a wanted fugitive! And insane! Did I mention insane?!"
"Mal, you couldn't survive ten minutes at in a high society setting," snapped Inara, giving him a death glare. "And River would be caught in seconds!"
"Sir, I think there's a problem with your brain being missing," stated Zoe, her eyes cold.
"Listen to the doc!" yelled Wash, "Do you want to be in an Alliance jail? Do you?"
"If you die do I get your share?" asked Jayne hopefully.
"Captain, you can't be serious!" shrieked Kaylee, giving him a horrified look.
"Maybe we should all calm down and think this through," said Book soothingly, attempting to calm Simon down before he attacked Mal.
"I like alliteration," River stated absently, beginning to braid her hair.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Mal above the tangle of voices echoing throughout the room. Everyone fell silent, though he was still the subject of more than a few angry glares. "As I was saying, it will be me and River-"
"River and I," River interrupted suddenly, staring at him calmly. Mal restrained himself from rolling his eyes with great difficulty.
"Okay, River and I will infiltrate high society because one, I am the captain and therefore decide what we do and what we don't do; two, because River has knowledge of how to behave in situations like this-"
"Kaylee's young enough," interjected Simon angrily. "And, just in case you've forgotten, River is a wanted fugitive. And insane. But, since you're the great Malcolm Reynolds, I'm sure you'll be able to explain why your 'daughter' is screaming in a corner. And I'm sure you'll be able to talk your way out of Alliance jail, because of course there are plenty of people named River Tam who look just like the girl on the arrest warrant."
"Here's a thought," said Inara, her tone frigid. "How about instead of a father-daughter con you try husband and wife, or brother and sister, or anything else that doesn't involve using a mentally traumatized teenage girl who is also a fugitive?"
"Okay people, listen up," said Mal, sensing another wave of yelling was about to happen. "The only invites Badger could get his hands on were for a father and his teenage daughter. And, since we don't know any other teenage girls who grew up in a social class like this who will work with us, River is our only option. And it's a backwater little planet, minimum Alliance interference. No one will be looking for River Tam at a high-class celebration, and she won't even be going by that name. She'll be perfectly safe, you have my word." He paused, looking around the room, but no one besides River and Jayne looked convinced. "Anyone not understand?" Six hands shot up. He pointed at Simon.
"I've got a great idea. How about you just don't go?" Simon, Mal reflected, was very stubborn when he put his mind to it.
"Money's too good," he said. "Net pay is going to be around one hundred platinum. Each." Jayne's face lit up immediately. Wash and Zoe exchanged looks and Kaylee brightened, probably thinking about all the repairs she could make with that much money. Even Simon looked taken aback a little, his eyes going to River as he calculated how much medicine he could buy for her. Only Book and Inara didn't flinch. And, of course, River, but she didn't really count as she had somehow gotten her hands tied into her hair and was attempting to pull them loose.
"I still think it's a horrible idea," said Inara sharply. "How exactly do you expect to keep River's condition unnoticed for however long you're attempting to 'infiltrate' them? She's not exactly all there."
"She'll be fine," said Mal, waving off their concerns. "Besides, we'll only be there about five days. I won't let her out of my sight for a second. And you can dress her up can't you? Make her look all different. No one there is going to be looking for her."
"Five days?" said Simon, his eyes going from uncertain to angry in a blink of an eye. "What on Earth-that-was are you looking for?"
"A painting from Earth-that-was. Supposed to be really valuable or something, go for a fortune on the black market. The people hosting this event are supposed to reveal it on the last day there, so me and Riv- I mean, River and I will go swoop in and steal it at the last moment. It'll be simple."
"Do you promise to take care of her?" Simon asked finally, staring hard at Mal. "And do you promise that no one will recognize her, that she'll be safe?" Mal held in a sigh of relief.
"I promise. And if she gets caught then you have my permission to shoot me as unpolitely as you want."
The crew exchanged looks and nodded, though Simon, Inara, Book and Kaylee did so rather reluctantly.
"She'll be fine, they won't even notice she's crazy," Mal reassured them. All eyes turned to River, who seemed to be fighting with her hair, one hand still trapped firmly in the tangle of black.
"Oh yes," said Simon drily, getting up to go help River. "I'm sure they'll never notice the difference."