Chapter Three

"So do you want to give us the details or do you plan to just figure it out as you go?" asked Zoe, still looking less than pleased about the new job, shooting a glance at River.

River was now sitting at the table with the rest of the crew, her hands firmly placed in her lap after her epic hair battle. Simon sat next to her, watching her anxiously.

"The targets' names are Mr. and Mrs. Windmere. They host a big fancy shindig every year for a bunch of rich, snobby folks who like to lord it over people and compare how much money they have."

"And that, Mal, is exactly why this plan is doomed to fail," broke in Inara, giving him a disgusted look. "You can't go ten seconds without insulting someone. You're trying to pretend you're part of this group, not showing them that you hate everything they stand for."

"That's why I have River," said Mal, patting the girl in question on the shoulder. "And besides, I can be a perfect gentleman when need be." Several of the crew looked down to hide grins.

"The whole point of the plan," Mal continued, sensing they were getting off-topic, "Is that we just hang out for a few days while I check out the security system and look for a way to get the painting out. Then, when they bring the painting out to show it off, I contact you guys and you make a big distraction during which River and I make off with the painting. Easy as taking candy from a blind guy."

"I think the expression is taking candy from a baby," interjected Simon. Mal frowned at him.

"That's just stupid. Why would you give candy to a baby?" Simon's head hit the table with a resounding thunk.

"Oh no, you'll fit in perfectly," he muttered into the wood. River looked at Mal with interest.

"Can I have some candy?" she asked hopefully. Mal frowned at them both. Things were getting very confused here.

"Anyways," he continued loudly, ignoring River's attempts to catch his attention, "We're posing as Malcolm and River Reynolds, some rich folk who just moved to Artemis from Persephone. Badger's invites will get us in, Serenity will get us out. It's minimum security, no feds. Simple, easy, no complications." He clapped his hands together and looked around the table. "See? Nothing to it."

"If it's so easy, why's the pay so good?" asked Book logically.

"Ah, that's to discourage us from running off with the painting and selling it for ourselves."

"You'll need to go shopping," said Inara suddenly. Mal froze.

"Why would we need to do that?" he asked, already imagining himself on a shopping trip. No way in hell, he promised himself.

"Well, you need clothes to 'blend in', and I'm pretty sure you don't have any clothes even remotely resembling something that a man of your station would wear. And I know River doesn't," Inara said, glancing at River, who was poking Simon and looking distinctly un-high-society-like in the too big dress that she wore around the ship most of the time. And her combat boots. Can't forget those.

"Well, she needs stuff. But I sure as hell don't. I have that suit that I wore for the party with the sword duel," Mal protested. Inara scowled at him.

"No, you need more than that. When we land, Simon can help you pick out something to wear in the local shops. I can help River." Kaylee glanced at her, her expression hopeful. "And Kaylee too, of course."

Mal stared around the room at the expressions that ranged from amused (Wash and Zoe) to horrified (Simon).

"What did I ever do to you?" he asked them in disbelief. Gathering up all his dignity he stalked out of the room, pretending not to hear the giggles behind him.