Chapter Four

As Serenity approached Artemis, Mal noticed a definite change in the way his crew was behaving.

Kaylee was constantly beaming at him and giggling, and the Captain Tight-pants references had become more and more frequent. Wash developed a pressing need to leave the room whenever he entered, and he could hear him laughing hysterically all the way down the hallway as he ran out. Zoe just stared at him, a smirk constantly tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Simon and Inara had taken to huddling into corners whispering to each other, breaking off whenever he approached. He had the uncomfortable feeling they were discussing him, and he became more positive he was right when he noticed them staring at him; Inara skeptically, and Simon with something approaching a combination of despair and horror.

Jayne and Book were almost the same as normal, except for the times when Wash started snickering or Kaylee called him Captain Tight-pants, and then they both realized that they needed to be somewhere right now.

But the worst was River, and he knew, just knew, that the reason Wash kept breaking down into hysterics whenever he saw Mal was completely her fault.

The feng le girl followed him all the time. Just trailed along behind him, her bare feet making absolutely no sound on the floor. He would think she was gone and turn around and WHAM! she was right there, rocking gently back and forth and giving him a creepy smile that wouldn't be remiss on the face of a psychopath about to blow up the world.

And it didn't help that she kept calling him Captain-Daddy. He could understand once, even twice, but every time she talked to him? It was driving him crazy. And did the rest of the crew help? Of course they didn't. Not even her overprotective brother.

Simon just started smiling like insane whenever he walked into the room with moonbrain trailing along behind him, humming or spinning or doing whatever it was she did to pass the time.

The only times he got away from River was when her brother took her down to the infirmary or when she was sleeping, which never seemed to be often. Even when he was in his bunk he could swear he heard her breathing outside.

When he let this slip to Zoe, however, during one of the rare times River was absent, she had just snorted and told him that was ridiculous.

"You can hear her breathing?" she'd asked him, smiling slightly. He had smiled back and felt a little less freaked out, if maybe a bit silly.

"Yeah, I know. She's not really outside my room, is she?" Zoe gave him a look that told him he was totally crazy.

"Of course she's outside your room, sir," she said, turning and walking towards the door. "But breathing? The girl's a government-trained assassin. I doubt you could hear her breathing."

That conversation had gone about as well as the conversation he'd had with Kaylee about why the girl was following him and why in this sphincter of hell everyone seemed to find it hilarious.

"Well, I think they mostly find it cute," she giggled to him. Mal stared at her, knowing this was one of those times the universe decided to come right out and say that it hated him.

"Cute?" Kaylee nodded at him, smiling happily.

"Well, yeah. It's kinda like those baby ducks, ya know?" He shook his head back and forth, feeling like maybe, to someone, this conversation would make sense. Someone not him.

"I mean, ya see these little baby ducks imprint on like dogs or something, and it's so cute! And that's kinda what River did. She's like a baby duck, and you're the dog."

"She's a baby duck?" he asked faintly. Kaylee nodded enthusiastically. Mal looked up as River skipped down the stairs and headed towards them, her creepy psychopath smile firmly in place. Mal could almost hear the evil laughter.

"A cannibal baby duck," he muttered too low for Kaylee to hear. River, however, did, and her smile got even bigger. "From hell," Mal amended, and then took off to his cabin.

He could hear River giggling as she chased him, and he took a moment to feel righteously indignant that the captain was allowing himself to be terrorized by a girl half his size and twice as crazy.

Then he remembers that it's River he's thinking about, and he tries to decide whether it would be too paranoid to spend the rest of his trip holed up in the empty shuttle with some food. But he won't do it. She'd probably find her way in there if he sealed the whole place with solid steel.

He pauses outside his bunk and hears Wash snickering from down the hallway, Zoe's quiet laugh joining in, and above it all River's child-like humming, and decides that this is going to be the longest week of his life. Ever. And that includes the time where it snowed so hard on Shadow he was locked up into his tiny cabin with his bratty little sister and his mother and five ranch hands.