Chapter 6

"So, what's going on in here? There a party I don't know about?" Mal asked casually, smiling cheerfully and examining exits out of the corners of his eyes. Maybe if he made a break for it…

"Running is a coward's way out," River sang from her perch, smiling sweetly at him. Mal narrowed his eyes at her.

Damn psychic. Maybe if he…no. It was a spaceship. In space. Nowhere to run. Although, if he was desperate, there was always some suits. He could-

"Mal," said Inara, interrupting him from his escape plans. "We need to talk." If at all possible, Simon's face went whiter.

"Um, that is, if you want to, because you're the captain, and we don't want to order you, or, or, um…" he trailed off uncertainly, his eyes flickering above and around Mal as he avoided looking him straight in the eyes.

For a second, Mal felt a surge of sympathy for him. He obviously wanted to be here even less than Mal did, and he figured Simon was probably here under protest, pressured into it by Inara. Or, he decided, glancing at the grinning River, his sister had given him puppy dog eyes and he'd gone like a sucker. Just like he had.

River beamed at him, and he narrowed his eyes at her. Bad River, he thought. River stuck her tongue out at him and went back to grinning at nothing in particular.

"Sit down," said Inara, pointing to a chair.

"Please," added Simon.

Mal sat, determinedly holding onto his cheerful façade.

"So, is this a party? Possibly for me being the very best cap'n ever?"

"Um, no, not exactly, no," stammered Simon. Mal felt that sympathy for him again. For a second. And then he realized that if it was between him or Simon on the hot seat, he could live with it being Simon. Actually, he could more than live with it. Simon taunting had used to be one of his favorite hobbies, until Kaylee had started giving him eyes like a kicked puppy whenever he made fun of him.

Those puppy dog eyes, they were going to be the death of him. If River made her eyes big enough and started crying, he'd probably jump off a cliff.

"So, I'm not the best captain ever?" he asked, switching his gaze from Simon to Inara to River and back to Simon. "Now that's just hurtful. You go around saying stuff like that and people might get all offended like."

"That's not what we're saying!" blurted Simon before Inara could respond. "I mean, you're a great captain-"

"Just not the best?" Mal interrupted. Simon's eyes widened.

"No, yes, sure, you're the best. We all think so, don't we River? Inara?" He looked around desperately for help. Inara closed her eyes, probably struggling to hold on to her calm. River snickered and jumped off the table to go sit next to Mal.

"Mal, please, this is serious," said Inara, calmly cutting off what was sure to be more of Simon's rambling.

"I'll say this is serious, you lot going around saying I'm not the best captain ever," said Mal, injecting his voice with as much wounded pride as he could. Next to him, River broke out into a fit of silent giggles. Glancing at her, Mal could feel a smile tugging on one corner of his mouth.

"Mal," snapped Inara. She took a deep breath and started again, calmer than before. "Please, we really need to talk. This is important. Simon and I thought-" Simon shot her a horrified look and she sighed again. "I mean I thought that you would need some help pretending to be a member of upper-class society, and Simon agreed to help me. And believe me Mal, you need all the help you can get." She looked expectantly at him, waiting for his answer. It was quickly forthcoming.

"Let me get this straight, you and the doc here want to teach me how to behave with all those fancy rich people?" Inara nodded, looking pleased, and Simon gave him a hesitant smile. River had tears streaming down her face as she struggled to hold her laughter in.

"Hell no!" He stood up, turning towards the door. "I'm going back to bed, don't wake me up unless there's a real emergency or if someone on this ship decides to throw me a party."

He stamped down the hallway, and then whirled around as a thought occurred to him.

"And doubt you follow me li'l witch!" he called to River, before climbing down his ladder and slamming the hatch to his room, making sure to lock it.

Back in the kitchen, Inara looked at Simon, who was sitting there with a relieved expression on his face.

"Well we tried," he said, sounding distinctly happy. Inara pushed down the feeling of exasperation within her. Companions are better than this, she reminded herself.

"Yes, we did," she agreed. She turned to look at the door to the kitchen where Mal had stormed out. "Now it's on to Plan B."

Simon's head hit the table with an audible thunk. "I'm dead," he groaned.

River, who had managed to get herself back under control and was balancing cross-legged on the back of one of the chairs let out a shriek of laughter and fell with a muted thump to the floor.

Inara turned and left the kitchen, leaving Simon to pull himself and his sister back together. She would have her way, and Malcolm Reynolds would not know what had hit him.

A/N: Yes, Simon was a bit freaked out and maybe a tiny bit OOC, but imagine what it's like for him: telling Malcolm Reynolds what to do…it's like walking through a minefield.