Chapter 7

Mal climbed the ladder with one hand, shrugging his coat on as he went. Reaching the top he clambered out, sealed the door behind him, turned forward, and almost tripped over River, narrowly biting back a curse.

She was lying on her back, her legs folded up so that her knees were perpendicular to the floor, staring up at the ceiling. Her hands were tracing patterns in the air, her eyes narrowed in concentration.

"Baby duck," Mal muttered. "Oh yeah, totally helpless baby duck who goes around lying on the floor endangering people's neck health." There was no answer from River.

"What are ya doing 'tross?" Mal asked, keeping his voice level. River didn't even blink, still intent on her fingers. He reached out a foot and nudged her in the side.

"Come on River, doc wouldn't like you lying on that floor. It's dirty, you hear? Lots of germs." He bit back a smile as River's eyes slid away from the ceiling to give him a disgusted look.

He offered her a hand. "Come on, get up. You'll miss breakfast." River eyed the hand and then returned her gaze upwards, her hands resuming movement.

Mal rolled his eyes and began walking away, heading towards the kitchen. Just because she was happier lying on the floor and missing breakfast didn't mean he was.

About halfway down the hallway sounds began floating from the kitchen; the clattering of plates, Inara's voice, Kaylee's-.

He stopped dead in the corridor. Inara's voice. She was there, and he was betting she was still plenty angry about the direction last night's conversation had taken, although in his defense he hadn't started it, just ended it. At least, he thought he had. But Inara was like a dog with a bone, and he knew she was gonna let it go when pigs flew and hell froze over.

It wasn't that he was scared of her. He was Malcolm Reynolds, captain of Serenity. His word was law. He had faced down the Alliance and guns and certain death, survived torture without a word, seen things he wasn't likely to ever forget, and what was he saying of course he was scared.

He glanced between the kitchen and his room and back again. Maybe if he locked himself inside he could hold out until they landed on Artemis, just wait out the storm.

But then Kaylee would probably sit outside his door and even if he couldn't see her he would know she was giving him the puppy dog eyes, and he'd open the door like the sucker he was and walk right into Hurricane Inara.

Honestly, what was he thinking when he filled his crew with women? Between the puppy dog eyes and the sheer stubbornness and Crazy following him around he was almost afraid to go anywhere on the boat in case he was assaulted.

He took one step closer to the kitchen, heard Inara say something, and beat a hasty retreat back to his room, where River was still lying staring up at the ceiling. If he was going into the warzone he needed the closest thing he had to an ally with him.

Besides, if things got violent she could probably help him get out of there, if she wasn't too busy rubbing soup in her hair or prattling about unicorns.

For the love of god, why had he told her unicorns had rainbow blood? Why? She was going to be stuck on that for days. Maybe if he told her the easter bunny ate children she'd forget the unicorns. But then she'd probably want to experiment and get him to buy her a bunny rabbit and feed it meat to see if she could make it cannibalistic. And then she'd probably sic it on them whenever she didn't get her way. And then breed them and take over the known universe and all would bow down before the race of rabbits.

Oh god, how did he even come up with that? Lack of sleep, he told himself sternly. He was not going crazy. He wasn't. He looked over his shoulder back at the kitchen and felt a hysterical giggle rise in his throat. Oh yes, he was going crazy. It was the only reason why he would have taken this job, this job that was going to drive him to gray hair. And he was too pretty for gray hair.

"Your hair won't turn gray," River offered from the ground. She held one hand out to him and he took it, pulling her to her feet. She looked up at him calmly, her gaze half there and half not. "Genetics dictate, their word is law. Your hair will be white." She smiles up at him and tugs on a bit of his hair. "You'll look dashing," she giggles, and runs down the hallway before her words have even half-registered.

"I will not have white hair!" Mal yelled after her, his words echoing around the ship. He frowned and started following her. Inara could wait, this was a serious matter. If his hair was going white he wanted to know about it. There was also the matter of the killer bunny rabbits. The mere thought of "River" and "killer bunny rabbits" in the same sentence made him shudder.

He entered the kitchen quickly and made his way over to the table, sitting down in his chair.

River was sitting across from him next to her brother, smiling at him and ignoring her brother's attempts to get her attention. The rest of the crew were already seated, and he avoided Inara's eyes as best he could, although he could feel them burning into him.

"Hey cap'n, how'd you sleep?" piped up Kaylee, giving him a bright smile. There was a clatter as Simon dropped his fork, and a giggle from River. Mal shot him a smug smile and turned to Kaylee.

"I had a revelation, actually. Here I was going around thinking I was the best captain ever, and it turns out that certain members of the crew don't think so. Can you believe it?" He could almost feel Simon shrinking into himself.

"Well I think you're the best cap'n ever," declared Kaylee, throwing her arms around him. She pulled away and frowned at Jayne. "Dont'cha think Jayne?"

"Hell, he's alright," Jayne replied, dropping more protein on his plate.

"Thank you for that glowing commendation, Jayne," Mal said. Jayne blinked at him.

"Sure," he said. Mal repressed an eye roll with great difficulty. River had no such qualms, and Simon choked on his water.

"About last night," Inara began, but River cut her off immediately.

"I want a pet," she said. Mal shot her a grateful look which she ignored, her entire attention focused on Simon.

"Well, River, I don't think-" he started, but Kaylee leaned across the table, interrupting.

"What type of pet?" she asked curiously. River beamed at her.

"I want a bunny."

"Shiny!" exclaimed Kaylee. Mal choked.

"No, not shiny. Absolutely no bunnies, uh-uh, hell no. Vetoed, final word. No pets."

Simon shot him a grateful, if rather confused look, but both Kaylee and River turned to him with sad expressions. He closed his eyes immediately, but he could already feel their powers working away.

"No bunny?" River said sadly. Mal shook his head, not trusting his mouth to say the right thing should it be opened.

"Okay," she said, and he opened his eyes cautiously. She looked at her plate, then looked back up. "The girl understands that not all would appreciate being dictated by an inferior race of cannibalistic rodents, no matter how many pieces of fur per square inch of skin said rodents had."

"Oh, good then," said Mal. Inara cleared her throat, and River quickly opened her mouth again.

"Can I have a fish?"

"No."

"A snake?"

"Hell no!"

"A kitty-cat?"

"No."

"What about a beagle?" This from Wash, leaning forward and ignoring Zoe's look of disbelief.

"Yes!" River shrieked, bouncing up and down in her seat and looking back and forth from Mal to Simon to Wash and back.

"We'll take good care of it," Wash promised. "And we'll feed it, and we'll walk it, and remember they have smallish droppings?"

"I don't want to be sharing a ship with no dog," said Jayne, taking fourths of everything in his immediate vicinity.

"We could train it as an attack dog," Wash suggested. River switched her gaze to Jayne, who thought about it then shrugged.

"That'd be cool," he admitted. River let out a squeal and high-fived Wash, and Kaylee started giggling.

"What're ya gonna call him?"

"Hang on a second, who said we could get a dog?" demanded Mal indignantly. "We are not getting a dog."

"But Mal," whined Jayne. "It'd be an attack dog. We could call it Killer."

"Prometheus," asserted River. "Fire. I like fire."

"No!" said Mal, glaring at them all and putting the fire thing to the back of his mind in that special folder called: River-Morbid and Creepifying. Deal With Later, When Dead.

There was a grumble of assent from Jayne and Wash, a sigh from Kaylee, expressions of relief from Simon, Zoe, and Book, and a glare from River, who folded her arms and stuck her tongue out at him.

"Okay, anyone else got something to say that don't pertain to pets?" Mal asked, tactfully ignoring River. Or rather just ignoring her.

"I do," said Inara quickly. Mal closed his eyes and groaned; he'd walked right into that. "I have a matter that I think should be addressed to the crew for your input. It concerns Mal and the upcoming job."

Mal looked around for an escape, saw River and Zoe eying him speculatively, and gave up. He was dead. Completely and utterly dead.

A/N: Once again, don't own Firefly or the unicorns. As for the killer rabbits, I don't think they exist. And I'm certainly not trying to make them. Heh heh. /shifty look around. You can't prove anything. At all. Just because I have a rabbit doesn't mean anything. Circumstantial evidence. Look at Mal, he's the one who thought it up. Just because he's not real doesn't mean he isn't planning something. They're all up to something. It's a conspiracy. /puts on tinfoil hat. BUNNIES ARE TAKING OVER! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! /runs out of room screaming.

A/N the second: On reflection, I come off as paranoid and slightly insane. That's because I am, and I am. But mostly it's the late time talking. Because of course killer bunny rabbits aren't real. /nervous laughter. Totally made up. Promise.

A/N the third: I just re-read the whole fic and my author's notes. I really need to go to bed earlier. And stop eating sugar before I try and write. Go on with your lives now.

A/N: The fourth: Is anyone even reading this anymore? If you are, I commend you. I just sent you a million cookies. Yes, I know where you live. I'm awesome that way. Or do I mean stalkerish? Eh, to-may-to to-mah-to.

A/N the fifth: If you are reading this, there is a limit. You're either A) a fan, B) a stalker, or C) reading this from a mental hospital. Either way, I'm flattered. Really. Not calling the cops at all. Just wait there for the straitjacket…I mean, the cookies. Yes, that's what I meant. The cookies.

A/N the sixth: Also, Soylent Green is people. I know, shocker right?

A/N the seventh: If you're still reading this, get on with your lives or I will have River come down and kill you with her brain. I'm not entirely sure how that works, but I'm sure it's awesome.

A/N the eighth: GO AWAY. AWAY I SAID!