Chapter 8
"What'd you want ta say 'Nara?" asked Kaylee curiously, leaning towards her friend.
Mal gave Inara a death glare. Don't you dare, he tried to warn her telepathically.
Inara smiled smugly. Make me.
He imagined her head exploding. It didn't work. He concentrated harder.
"As you know, Mal and River will be infiltrating a high society setting in a few day's time," Inara began. Mal narrowed his eyes and tried to will it into being.
"And I was thinking, and I am sure you will all agree with me, that Mal has no knowledge of how to act like a member of that caste beyond how to rob them and basic words, like please and thank you." She paused, thought about it, and then frowned slightly. "And not even that," she tacked on.
Just one tiny explosion.
"So, I had a talk with Simon-" Simon turned white and made a throat cutting gesture. Inara plowed on determinedly. "And we thought perhaps Mal could benefit from lessons."
He had a headache coming on. He tilted his head and tried to zero in.
"But when we tried to broach the subject with Malcolm last night, he wouldn't listen to us. So I thought perhaps you would all be willing to help us convince him."
Every eye in the room turned towards him. He sat up quickly and tried to fix his face. He was pretty successful, but his right eye kept twitching.
"Are you okay sir?" asked Zoe, torn between amusement and worry. Mal put his hand up to his spastic eye and tried to get it under control.
"Didn't you say something about being able to kill folk with that big brain of yours?" he asked River. She giggled. "I wasn't joking," he told her.
"I think it's a shiny idea," gushed Kaylee, interrupting him before he coaxed River over to the Dark Side. She beamed at him cheerfully.
"Mal? Taking lessons from Simon and Inara?" Wash looked back and forth, his eyes wide. "I'd pay money to see this!"
"I think it's a good idea," Book stated thoughtfully. "Of course, there is a limit you can teach a man in five days, but I think it would certainly help with your cover."
"Why in the hell does he need some lessons in being all fanciful-like?" snorted Jayne.
"It couldn't hurt," said Zoe, purposefully not looking at him.
"Meep," went Simon. He looked like he did whenever Kaylee got too close, all white and terrified. It was an excellent look. Mal made a note to instill that look on his face permanently.
"So it's decided then," said Inara cheerfully, completely ignoring Jayne and Simon. Mal looked around in horror and his gaze locked onto River.
"What about River?" he asked quickly. "I don't want her to go to another school, not after what happened last time."
Everyone stopped breathing. Inara gave him her worst glare.
"I don't think we'll be cutting into her brain," she spit out.
"Are you sure? Really? Cause those shoes you got are plenty long and sharp enough." Inara looked like her head was about to explode. Mal felt marginally more cheerful.
"Oh god River," Simon stuttered, staring at his sister. "You don't have to go. Really, you can play dinosaurs with Wash. I'm sure he'd be happy to play with you." He shot a desperate look at Wash, who nodded his rapid agreement, looking thrilled.
All the happiness Mal was getting from Inara's near self-combustion evaporated.
"What the hell do ya mean she doesn't have to come? That's, that's prejudice, that's what that is. Prejudice!" He shot a smug look at Inara. "See, I know big words."
She let out something like a snarl and he hurriedly turned his attention back to Simon, who was still freaking out over his sister, who was stealing the food off of his plate and passing it to Jayne behind his back.
"River, you don't have to come with us if you don't want to," Simon said hurriedly. "You certainly know most of it, you'll be fine. Mal can survive by himself."
River stopped handing food off to Jayne and looked at Simon, who was still looking scared, to Mal, who was shaking his head rapidly, to Inara, who was concentrating on making Mal's head explode with her mind.
"I'll go," she said. Mal breathed a sigh of relief and dropped his head to the table. It was nice to know he had at least one ally in this place. He shot a baleful look at the rest of his crew. Bunch of backstabbers the lot of them.
He got up with as much dignity as he had left and gave them all his best captain-y stare.
"I'll be in my bunk," he said, and left the room. River popped up next to him, spinning in dizzying circles next to him as he beat a hasty retreat, before they made him agree to doing something crazy like jumping off a cliff. Although, in retrospect, that'd probably solve all his problems.
"I still want a bunny," River told him, giving him a hopeful smile.
"Jayne stole my food!" Simon yelled from the kitchen, and there was a loud crash as Jayne defended his honor and Simon defended his food.
Mal looked around for the nearest cliff.
A/N: Still don't own Firefly. You know how you could tell if I did? They crew would all cross over to the Dark Side. Yes, that's right. The Dark Side. You know why? The Dark Side has cookies. Who doesn't love cookies? Besides cannibalistic rabbits and paranoid conspiracy theorists who think the cookies are alien spies? Although…fortune cookies do tell you what to do. But I refuse to believe they are alien spies. That's a load of rubbish…they're obviously mini-prophets! All hail the religion of the fortune cookie. Their word is law. What if one told me to go jump off a cliff you ask? I'd do it. Indeed I would. I respect the fortune cookie. Bow before them! BOW I SAID!...I know you're not bowing. Yes, you. I have eyes inside you're computer. I know all. Well, actually, I see all. The Fortune Cookie of Awesome knows all. But I see it. So BOW! If you don't bow, I will send the minions of my cult (yes, the fortune cookie religion is a cult. Take that all ye who say the internet does not provide all!) and have them sing the Song That Never Ends until you crack and bow. SO BOW!
(And all of you who wish to blame me for starting a cult religion to honor the Fortune Cookie of Awesome, blame my sister, who gave me chocolate and told me to write)
A QUESTION(S) FOR ALL WHO ACTUALLY CARE:
Facts: The Dark Side offers cookies. The crew is on the Dark Side. SOOOOO….
Who bakes the cookies? Aliens? Brad Pitt?...ME?! (a.k.a: The Genius Who Started the Fortune Cookie of Awesome Cult)?
Do you really want to know the answer to question A?
Since the Blue Hand guys are the bad guys, doesn't it stand to reason they're on the Dark Side?
But, River can't be on their side (not unless we want her to kill everyone with her brain, which would be awesome but still), so does the Dark Side have a Dark Side?
If so, what do they offer? More cookies? Cookies with poison? FORTUNE COOKIES OF AWESOME? Boxes of blue gloves? We may never know…
How do we join the Dark Side? The Dark Side of the Dark Side? WE WANT OUR COOKIES!
And the most important question of all: Is the Fortune Cookie of Awesome Cult actually a religion/cult? Or did I make it up? Not even I really know…
Remember, sharing is caring. And as for the FCoA, muahaha…you'll never know, until we take over the world. Yes, a plan is indeed in action. It's an excellent plan. We have the force of the Dark Side with us after all. And the power of fortune cookies. And singing unicorns. And carnivorous bunnies. You never know who's in on it. Check your neighbors. Look at your friends. Stare at your television screen and wonder…do you really know who you can trust? Do you really know who isn't in the FCoA? And do you, yes you, know why you're reading this?
The answer to all is 42. Indeed. And as for the plan to take over the world, the one involving bunnies and unicorns and the Dark Side, that's only Plan A…
And for all you people who don't know what that means, it stands for Plan Awesome. Mostly because it's awesome. Also cause it's the only plan I got. I'm just gonna point everything I have at the world and say "Go my minions, go. Make them rue the day they laughed at the fortune cookie! RUE I SAID!" /evil laugh.
And if that doesn't work, well…there's always a market for failed doomsday planners. It's called WalMart: Middle Management.
So go now, spread the word of the fortune cookie. Live your lives waiting in fear for the end of the world at the hands of a cannibalistic bunny. And wonder…do you really know who works at your WalMart? DO YOU?!