Chapter 12
T Minus 165 Minutes
The inside of the shuttle was silver, the same as the outside, and made of some type of hard metal that near on broke Mal's knuckles when he'd knocked on it. A bench covered in a soft red fabric faced the front where the driver sat, cut off from his passengers by a soundproof piece of glass.
In the fifteen minutes since they had departed, Mal had gotten bored, attempted to resolve said boredom by counting things like the buttons on the dash (nineteen) and how many panels there were in the shuttle (twenty) and how many ways this plan could go down in flames (he'd given up). He'd also entertained brief notions of jumping out of the shuttle, striking up a conversation with the driver, and breaking into song and dance. None of these had come to fruition, and so he was currently contemplating the age old question that had baffled philosophers for centuries—
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?
Across from him River sat staring out the window, watching as the world outside blurred into shades of gray and brown and green and blue. She looked like she was enjoying herself…brat.
As if sensing his attention she turned to look at him, smiling brightly at his look of annoyance.
"I like birds," she said earnestly. "Wings for flying, high into the forever sky." She paused, frowning. "Paraphrasing. Change words for own purposes. Zap, zap. Fried meat for dinner. Humans taste like chicken."
There was a pause, while Mal looked suitably horrified at this morbid piece of trivia and River considered the space next to his ear. Then she blinked and twisted around all the way, drawing her legs up onto the seat.
"I'm bored," she stated. Mal nodded his agreement.
"Yeah, me too. You happen to pack any cards or something we could use to lighten the mood a bit?" She shook her head, hair tumbling around her shoulders. Appearing to like the motion, she did it again, and then again.
"No. Non. Nyet. Nein. Minime…Latin. Mal. Bad. Good and evil. Philosophical debates could pass the time were both parties adequately matched in mental capacity, but one is crazy and the other is a genius and such the scales are not balanced…I'm bored. Entertain me." Mal frowned, conveniently overlooking the fact that he might have just been called crazy by a girl half his age with more screws loose than the paneling on a Ladybug Class ship.
"Hey now, I was bored first. You should entertain me." River frowned.
"Emotional states cannot be adequately measured. You're the captain. It is your duty to lift the spirits of your crew. You should entertain me."
It could be said Mal was pigheaded…no, that wasn't true. It was said Mal was pigheaded, and stubborn, and annoying, and, well, a whole bunch of other adjectives not so nice, often repeated at top volume as he walked away with all their earthly possessions after winning a fight he just wouldn't back down from not matter what the odds. The point was, well, the point was-
"Exactly! I'm the captain! Therefore, I order you to entertain me." River glared. Mal decided to extend the list of the things he was conveniently overlooking to include the fact that he was now arguing with said girl over who should entertain whom, and that this behavior could fall into the categories of juvenile and immature. But he was bored, and he hadn't slept well for a week and he was dressed up like a gorram monkey and he was not, absolutely not, going to lose this argument.
"I'm bored," River repeated.
"I'm more bored," Mal shot back.
"I'm the most bored," River said smugly. Mal reflected on that.
"I'm the most-est bored." River glared.
"That's not a grammatically correct statement."
"You're only saying that 'cause I beat you fair and square, little Albatross."
River huffed loudly and turned away, crossing her arms and pouting. Mal copied the movement, too caught up in the righteousness of his actions to actually care.
T Minus 155 Minutes
"This is the song that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friend,
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because
This is the song that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friend,
Some people just start singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because
This is the—"
"For the love of the cannibalistic bunnies will you be quiet?!"
"This is the song that never ends."
"I gathered that Albatross. Now will you kindly stop singing?"
"I'm bored."
"Can't you be bored quiet-like?"
"No…
This is the song that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friend,
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because…"
T Minus 150 Minutes
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves.
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
And this is how it goes.
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves.
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
And this is how it goes.
I know a-"
"Responding with an equally unappealing song to antagonize the perpetrator of the first sound crime is unfair."
"You started it."
"You're childish."
"Is this annoying you?"
"Perhaps."
"Good…
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves.
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
And this is how it goes…"
T Minus 147 Minutes
"Hey! I'm Bob! I'm a goldfish. And a goldfish has a memory span of -
Hey! I'm Bob! I'm a goldfish. And a goldfish has a memory span of -
Hey! I'm Bob! I'm a goldfish. And a goldfish has a memory span of -
Hey! I'm Bob! I'm a goldfish. And a goldfish has a memory span of -
Hey! I'm Bob! I'm a goldfish. And a –"
"You are an evil child."
"Goldfish. Carassius auratus auratus. One of the earliest domesticated fish."
"Is that so?"
"It's name is Bob, and a goldfish has a memory span of—"
"NO."
"…"
"…"
T Minus 136 Minutes
"I'm still bored."
"Count the trees or something."
"We've passed 1,178 trees. I can extrapolate the amount of grass blades also based on—"
"Got it. You're good at counting things."
"Can the girl return to singing?"
"No, the girl cannot return to singing, as her singing makes her captain bleed out of his ears."
"Two by two, hands of blue. Can make you bleed, if you want. Pop. No more pain. Effective tool to keep the subjects docile. Like cattle. When you take them outside they remember who they are. Weapons. Tin soldiers, painted in red and made of blue…you retaliated. Unfair."
"I 'retaliated' because you. Started. It."
"Did not."
"I'm sorry, I have the distinct impression you sang first."
"Did. But the captain-daddy wouldn't entertain the girl, so she turned to alternate forms of amusement."
"By trying to annoy me."
"Yes."
"…"
"…"
"Let's play the Quiet Game."
"No."
"Well, you're sure as hell not singing anymore."
"…
…
…
One hundred thousand ice planets in the optimally-refrigerated structure,
One hundred thousand ice planets.
You take one out and eat it all,
Ninety-nine thousand ice planets in the optimally-refrigerated structure…"
"I'm going to kill myself."
T Minus 115 Minutes
"Seventy-one thousand ice planets in the optimally-refrigerated structure,
Seventy-one thousand ice planets.
You take one out and eat it all—"
"Okay, I give up. What do you want to do besides singing?"
"Is the captain offering to entertain the Albatross?"
"Yes. Please stop referring to yourself in the third person."
"…come in to my parlor, said the spider to the fly…"
"I'm going to ignore that."
"Mary Howitt. An excerpt."
"Riiight. Okay. Moving on."
"Can we play Concentration?"
"Anything else?"
"This is the song that—"
"I've got a wonderful idea: let's play Concentration!"
T Minus 100 Minutes
"Bear."
"Jib"
"Sky."
"Lunule."
"Ship."
"Crepuscular rays."
"Incense."
"Muntin."
"Candles."
"Apricity."
"Floor."
"Skeuomorph."
"Window."
"River."
"Phoebastria albatrus."
"Fossil."
"Adenosine triphosphate."
"Plant."
"Phylogenetics."
"Cortex."
"…"
"I already said that, didn't I?"
"Yes."
"Well then."
"Want to play again?"
"No. I'm pretty sure you were making some of those words up."
"Was not."
"Okay. Whatever you say."
"The girl will commence with the singing if she does not receive an apology."
"Are you going to use that every time you want something?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"Good."
"I'm bored now."
"Seconded."
"…"
"…"
"Want to hear a funny story about the war that's probably inappropriate for your delicate ears and that you will never, under any circumstances, repeat to your brother?"
"Yes."
"Okay then. So, there was this man in our unit and…"
T Minus 63 Minutes
"and let's just say that he didn't trust us alone with his stuff ever again."
"How did you manage to convince Zoe to help you put his bed onto the roof of the mess hall?"
"Alcohol. And lying through my teeth. And more alcohol. Also, the guy called her weak on account of her being a woman. Did I mention the alcohol?"
"Thank you for recounting past encounters for the girl's amusement. They were adequately humorous, and as such she will desist from singing annoying songs."
"That's mighty kind of you."
"…you're going to have to use big words once we arrive at our destination."
"I know."
"I know you know."
"I know you know I know."
"I know you know I know you know."
"I…am not going to start this."
"The girl is tired and will sleep now."
"Pleasant dreams 'Tross."
T Minus 9 Minutes
Mal opened his eyes and blearily looked around the shuttle. His neck hurt from his leaning backwards in an odd position so far, and he was pretty sure his legs were asleep on account of the fact that he couldn't feel them.
River was half on top of him, all curled up in a ball. She shifted slightly, her hair tickling his chin. Asleep, for now, although he'd wager just about anything that she'd be up with his gun in hand should there be so much as a whisper of danger.
Smiling down at her, he tugged out a hand to pat her on the head. This time when she moved her elbow decided to make friends with his ribcage. Eyes watering, he carefully repositioned her so that she didn't accidentally break something vital to the mission.
He'd wake her up when they got there.
A/N: So, I'm betting when you got that little alert email or saw my story, some of you just wept for joy. Also, some of you went "What is this story and why do I care?". And I'm sure a lot of you thought scathingly to yourselves about the update time on this.
But never fear! School is finally out, and DOBBY IS A FREE ELF. /ah hem.
So, you wonder, does this mean I'll update faster? IS THERE CAFFEINE AND CHOCOLATE AND 2048 BEING ALL DISTRACTING ON MY PHONE WITH ITS INNOCENT LITTLE APP INTERFACE THAT TELLS LIES?!
…
No. I'm still a procrastinator, albeit a free one. But I did update! And for all of those who are still bothering to read this, I thank you from the bottom of my shrunken black heart. You can thank my sister. She's the one threatening extreme bodily harm whenever she remembers how long it's been since I actually wrote anything. Although, in my defense, I had important stuff to do. Like eating. And sleeping. And browsing the internet for no reason other than because I could and I wanted to procrastinate…
Oh. And I had exams. And homework. But who cares about those?
SLEEPING IS LIFE.
Oh, and because I'm a nice person, here's the list of all the words they were using during Concentration (with commentary, because I'm me and determined to make you all suffer) (and for all the people wondering why I made Mal seem slightly slower, they'd been playing for about fifteen minutes and after a while your brain runs dry…unless you're River…obviously).
Bear: Big scary thing that doesn't appreciate being poked with a stick.
Jib: The dot over an 'i' or 'j'….who knew?
Sky: The thing over your head when you're in that mystical place known as 'outside'. Sometimes blue, or black, or red, or—yeah, you get it. It's bipolar.
Lunule: The white, crescent-shaped part at the top of your nail. For nail biters it's the giant neon "BITE HERE" sign…I assume. I don't actually bite my nails, but my friend does, and that's the part she likes to gnaw on.
Ship: In this context probably a spaceship, and you should know what that is as you (probably) watch this show and if you don't GO WATCH IT and if you do and you don't know you're dead to me.
Crepuscular rays: Rays of light coming from a point in the sky…apparently the term is not "THERE'S A SPOTLIGHT IN THE SKY HOLY CRAP EVERYONE LOOK!" as I'd originally thought it was dubbed.
Incense: If you're Inara, the incense is a lie and it's about to explode. For everyone else, you burn it and hopefully it smells nice.
Muntin: The strip separating window panes…you learn something new every day. Go lord that scrap of knowledge over your friends. Go.
Candles: FIRE
Apricity: The warmth of the sun in winter…one of my favorite words. So no hilarious commentary.
Floor: Stand up. Hopefully, it's what you're standing on. Either that or you're in the *hiss* outside realm or in space where you'll probably be dead in a few moments. Or I guess you're floating…huh. Have fun with that. Do a somersault for me.
Skeuomorph: A design feature copied from a similar artifact in another material, even when not functionally necessary…so yup. Go point at something and declare it a skeuomorph.
Window: That thin sheet of glass protecting you from the horrible influence of the sun…when you look through it you can normally see the happiness and joy of people frolicking in the summer time heat…this is why humans invented curtains and windowshades.
River: Psychotic telepathic space assassin. Prone to random fits of mumbling that we generally can't understand. Likes cannibalistic bunnies, her brother Simon, and Fruity Oaty Bars…oh wait, you mean it's a body of water? NOT IN MY WORLD.
Phoebastria albatrus: Just my being clever and playing off the previous word…scientific name for an albatross. Yes, tremble at my genius.
Fossil: Outdated technology.
Adenosine triphosphate: ATP. Transports chemical energy in cells for metabolism. There's your scientific vocab word of the day.
Plant: Green leafy thing.
Phylogenetics: Study of evolutionary relationships among groups of organisms. Guess you could read deeper meaning into that if you want and apply it to the crew. Whatever floats your boat.
Cortex: Technological invention that I want but don't have.
Well, there you go. I'm too tired to be funny today. I hope you appreciate my efforts.
GOODBYE.