Meredith could not believe her luck. It was almost time to leave for Bailey's appointment with the pediatrician, and her children were being perfect little angels. Zola had even tried to carry her breakfast dishes to the sink. She had been disappointed to realize that she couldn't reach the sink—so Meredith had lifted her up. She had gotten dressed before Meredith could ask her to. Usually, Zola tried to delay getting dressed as long as possible. It was particularly troubling when they were in a hurry to get to work. Zola loved to play, and she had so many toys. Every morning, it seemed as though she needed to get a certain amount of time with her toys before she would move on to getting dressed. Getting Zola to put her shoes on usually proved to be the most difficult task.
Meredith was slightly baffled at Zola's behaviour today when they weren't in a rush. The thought made her smile. Zola certainly kept her parents on their toes.
Zola had spent the remainder of the morning showing Meredith all of her toys. It was sort of silly, since Meredith of course had bought most of these toys. But still, she was surprised at how many there were. It is one thing to walk past these toys every day. It is quite another to sit down with your toddler for hours while she explains how to play with each one. Meredith wasn't sure how long it had been since she had sat down and just played with Zola. Usually they would get home from the hospital in the evening. They would have dinner, maybe have fifteen minutes of playtime before bedtime. There was something so valuable about sitting and playing with your child. Meredith made herself a mental note—she wanted to remember this. She wanted to make sure that Zola had playtime with one, or both, of her parents at least twice a week. It was so important.
Baby Bailey played his part in allowing his sister to have some mommy time. The Tylenol continued to keep him comfortable, and he slept for two hours that morning. Meredith knew that Bailey usually did have morning naps at daycare, however they were usually only about an hour long these days. But, of course, her son's immune system was hard at work attacking his infection. His little body was exhausted, so he needed more sleep than usual.
Bailey's appointment was in one hour, so it was time to start getting ready to go. Meredith gave Zola her snack. She was dreading the crying that might ensue if Bailey woke up. And he probably would wake up when Meredith changed him and put him into his car seat. She could only hope that this perfect morning would continue.
Bailey did let out a cry when he was lifted from the playpen, but he soon settled into his mother's arms as she carried him to the changing table.
As Meredith changed Bailey's diaper, she was struck with something. She was usually rushing, she usually didn't think there was time to stop and just stare at either of her children, except for when they were asleep.
He is actually here. It wasn't very long ago that the mention of children sent me running for the hills. And when I started to think about it, it wasn't long before I saw the word "pregnant". And I fell in love, instantly. Immediately, I knew that I was meant to be a mother, and I was in love with my baby. And in a split second, everything was gone. Everything was a mess, again. They told me my uterus was hostile. That my chances of delivering a baby were low. Month after month, nothing. So, we turned to fertility drugs. We were hopeful again. Of course, because I am Meredith Grey, I developed a very rare complication. No more baby drugs. I was frustrated. Derek didn't show it, but he was frustrated too. He was so supportive. But, I know he was hurting too. And then Zola. She came just when we needed her. I was a mom. We had a baby, just like Derek promised me. We knew at that point that I probably would never get pregnant. And we were fine with that, we had a perfect baby girl. And then, I was pregnant. I forced an intern to run two blood tests on me, after taking six pregnancy tests. I could hardly believe it. I wanted to be sure. Sure that I wasn't hallucinating, that my subconscious wasn't playing some sort of evil trick on me.
Pregnant, three weeks pregnant.
I thought it was so ironic. We had tried for so long, there had been so many tears and sleepless nights. When we stopped thinking about getting pregnant, it happened. And now there is a beautiful boy in front of me, and a beautiful girl in the kitchen.
Sometimes I can't believe it. This is actually my life. It really happened, after all of the pain and self-loathing I put myself through for so many years.
Life keeps you on your toes.
Meredith came out of her trance when a sock hit her face. Bailey giggled, he seemed to get a kick out of throwing his clothes around on the changing table.
"You are my silly guy, aren't you? You must be feeling better"
Bailey responded with a big smile that strongly resembled his father's smile. Derek insisted that Bailey was a clone of Meredith, but she could see more of Derek in him than she could her. It's funny how perspectives can see different things. Of course, they did ask Zola, and she stated, very matter-of-fact-ly that Bailey had some mommy, and he had some daddy in him. Thankfully, Zola had not asked why. Meredith and Derek were not prepared to have a sex talk with their toddler just yet.
As Meredith loaded the kids into the car, she looked up at the woods surrounding her. The woods she and Derek used to walk Doc in. She could almost see the spot where they had buried him. The woods that she had walked through with bags of candles one night, determined to finally give Derek what he deserved. To finally trust him. When she was finally able to try and trust him. This land held so much history. Some of it bad, but a lot of it was good. Zola's pink fishing pole now rested against the house beside Derek's. A lot of good history was here.
"Mama, where are we going?"
"Zo, you remember I told you that we're taking Bailey to the doctor"
"Oh…because he cries so much?"
"Yeah, he doesn't feel good. So, the doctor is going to help get him better"
"You a doctor, Mama"
Meredith laughed. "Yes, sweetie, but there are lots of different kinds of doctors. I fix the inside of people's tummies, like Daddy fixes people's brains. We are taking Bailey to a doctor who fixes babies and kids. Do you remember Dr. Patterson?"
"Yeah, she gots stickers!"
Meredith was relieved that Zola seemed to only remember the stickers from her last trip to the pediatrician, and not the needles she had gotten in her arm. Though, that might change when they walked into the office.
Meredith wasn't exactly sure when Bailey's next immunization appointment was. She hoped they wouldn't want to give him any shots today. They might if he was due for them soon, but he was already feeling sick. She didn't want him to be more upset than he already was.
As she thought about this, Meredith realized that they wouldn't give Bailey any immunizations while he had a fever. That was a basic thing. Vaccines could cause reactions, and if a baby was already sick, there would be no way to tell if they were having a reaction or not. Sometimes Meredith was shocked how easily her medical knowledge went out the window when one of her kids was involved. The same thing happened to Derek. He would worry about the smallest things with Zola because of her shunt.
When they arrived at the doctor's office, Zola eagerly ran to the nurse's desk.
"Hi Jenna!"
Jenna was the nurse at Dr. Patterson's office. She worked there part-time and she also worked on the pediatric floor at Grey Sloan Memorial. Zola had seen her several times at the hospital and Jenna was so good with her. She had even babysat Zola a few times before Bailey was born. A few months earlier, when Zola fell off the slide at daycare, Jenna had held her while Alex finished her stitches. Meredith hadn't been able to stay for the whole thing because she was supposed to be doing a heart-liver transplant with Cristina. That was right before their fight started. Meredith had felt so guilty leaving Zola while she was getting stitches, but she was grateful for Jenna. She wouldn't have left her daughter with someone she didn't know or trust.
"Hi ZoZo, how are you? Hello Dr. Grey"
"Oh, please call me Meredith. Someone who makes my kid smile like that is on a first name basis with me. Also, I wanted to ask you a favor. I have a couple of things I'd like to discuss with Dr. Patterson without Zo in the room…do you think I could bring her out to you for a few minutes at the end of Bailey's appointment? I know you must be so busy…"
"Of course, I always have time for Miss Zola. In fact, we're pretty quiet today. I could watch her the whole time, if you like"
"If you don't mind, Zola would love that. Wouldn't you sweetie?"
"I love playing with Jenna!"
"I know you do. Let's go sit by the blocks over there. You can play with Jenna when Dr. Patterson calls Bailey in"
"A'right mama"
They had only been sitting down for a few minutes when Dr. Patterson came to say she was ready for Bailey.
"Dr. P, Mama says you are going to make my brother better so that he stops crying so loud"
"I'll do my best, Zola. I see you've found yourself a playmate"
"Yeah, Jenna and me are gonna play dollies!"
"You are a lucky girl."
Zola happily went with Jenna to the playroom while Meredith followed Dr. Patterson back to the exam room.
Dr. Patterson looked Bailey over while Meredith explained his symptoms. Yesterday morning he had been fussy. He had slept a lot last night and today. His fever was 101 last night and went back to 101 every time the Tylenol wore off. He screamed bloody murder when his fever went up. This morning he had pulled on his ears.
Right on cue, Bailey began to fuss during the appointment. Meredith expected this, since it had been four hours since Bailey's last dose of Tylenol.
Dr. Patterson took his temperature. His fever was now 102 degrees. It was getting worse. Her next step was to look in his ears with the otoscope.
"Well, he's definitely got an infection in his right ear. I'm just going to check his left one"
Meredith held Bailey tightly as he squirmed and cried. She could hardly blame him. He had a high fever and he had something pointy in his ear.
"He has a double ear infection. Both ears look pretty bad. Would you like to take a look for yourself?"
"Actually, yes. Then I can check him at the hospital myself over the next few days."
"That's what I thought"
Dr. Patterson had seen Zola and Bailey enough times to know that their parents were assured by being able to do things to help. She had several patients with doctors for parents. She had children herself, so she understood how difficult it could be to take your sick child to someone else.
"Oh, Bailey, your ears look awful" Meredith exclaimed. "No wonder you've been so unhappy!"
"I see this a lot in babies his age. Has Zola had an ear infection? I don't recall seeing her for one here"
"Not since she has been with us. They told us she had a minor one while she was in foster care, after coming to Seattle"
"Oh, okay. I was going to say, almost every kid gets an ear infection at some point. If Bailey continues to get these infections, I would consider putting tubes in his ears. But this is his first ear infection, so we definitely aren't there yet. I'm going to prescribe him some amoxicillin, and he should be good as new in a few days."
"I wondered if he could have something else on top of the ear infection because of the way he's been acting. But after seeing those ears..."
"Yeah, I began to wonder that myself. But as you said, his ears are very infected. It explains the high fever, the crying, ear pulling. You can start giving him the amoxicillin as soon as you get home. You should start to see improvement within 24 hours, and I would expect him to be much better in a few days. Let me know if he hasn't improved by tomorrow and I'll have you back. But, I think you'll be surprised how quickly this stuff works"
"It's funny, I've been a surgeon for years and that still surprises me sometimes. Thanks so much for fitting us in today"
"Not a problem, Meredith" Dr. Patterson got up from her seat, heading for the door.
"Wait…I wanted to ask you something else, about Zola, if you have time"
"Of course" Dr. Patterson sat back down. "Is this why she stayed out with Jenna?"
"Yes, I offered to just send her out at the end, but Jenna offered to keep her. She's so good with her"
Meredith bounced Bailey and held him close. He was still crying quietly. She had left the Tylenol in the bag, and it was in the other room with Zola. Meredith had left it with her in case Zola wanted a drink, or something to eat. Bailey definitely needed his next dose of Tylenol soon.
"He is pretty upset, so I'm just going to make this quick. Zola got very upset last night. Derek is away for a few days, and last night was his first night away. Before he left, he asked Zola to be a good helper. She accidentally spilled some pasta, and then Bailey started to scream, and…well, once I calmed the kids down, I went to talk to Zo. I wanted to know why she was so upset, because it seemed like something bigger was bothering her. She spills things all the time, and I rarely see her so upset."
Meredith stopped for a few breaths. She didn't want to say the next part. She had said it out loud to Derek earlier, and that had been hard enough. Saying it out loud made it real. It put her in a vulnerable position, or at least she felt vulnerable. It was a very un-Meredith thing she was doing. Telling her problems to someone she didn't know very well. But, this was for Zola. She would do anything to help ZoZo.
"She asked me why we leave sometimes. She said something about her leaving, and not knowing where her family is. I….I think she remembers. I think she might remember a lot of things. I mean, I know she remembers when Derek and I were in the plane crash. But, she might also remember when she was in foster care. Maybe even before, she could subconsciously remember being alone in Malawi…I don't know. I don't know how to help her, how to make her sure she doesn't have to worry about anyone leaving her."
"Oh my…that's…it's hard. Thank you for telling me this, Meredith. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to repeat that. What did you say to her after that?"
"Bailey started to cry in the other room. Derek was on the phone, talking to him. I assured Zola that we would never leave her, we went to calm Bailey down. She fell asleep soon after that. I haven't mentioned it today. I didn't want to talk to her about it while Derek is away. But, I also don't want her to think I'm ignoring it. Or that she made me sad by asking. I tried to hide it. But, she's smart. She'll probably figure it out. I just….I know how important a secure attachment is for a baby. I don't think she had that. I mean, all we know about her first six months is that she was brought to the orphanage at two months, and cried for four months at the orphanage. I mean, there are so many connections in the brain that babies need….and they need the attachment…for their emotions, for everything…so what if…what if we can't make up for that? What if we can't fix the damage that was done at the orphanage, in the foster home, after the plane crash….."
"Meredith"
"Sorry..sorry, I was rambling."
"No, no..it shows how much you love her. You are one of the most attentive mothers that come in here"
Dr. Patterson had no way of knowing that she had just said exactly what Meredith needed to hear. She needed to hear that she was a good mother. She had to know she was doing the best for her kids. She needed to hear it from someone other than Derek. Not that she didn't believe him, but hearing it from someone who didn't know her insecurities, who didn't know her background….that was something special.
"Thank you. You…have no idea how helpful it is to hear that"
"It's true. Now, before last night, had you noticed anything else with Zola? Has she been clinging to you or Derek more than usual, having trouble saying goodbye at daycare, anything like that?"
"No, nothing out of the ordinary. She is always clings to us a little bit when we get to daycare, but adjusts within a few minutes."
"Oh, good. That's normal. It seems like Zola might be bringing this up because Derek is gone. She seems very well-adjusted, so I am not too concerned. You are right in that she has gone through a lot. Many children who have been in orphanages or foster care like Zola have a lot of trouble adjusting and trusting people, not to mention other difficulties. You and Derek have done wonders with Zola. She needed people to love her and that is what you have done. Now, I'm not a child psychologist, but I don't think she will be any different from her peers as she grows. If anything, she will be ahead since she has two brilliant parents. I would suggest spending one on one time with her over the next few days, until Derek comes home. If she brings it up again, assure her the same way you did last time. I can schedule an appointment with the child psychologist that you met with before, after the plane crash. He would be able to help you work through the memories with Zola. Do you think that would help?"
'Yes, yes thank you. I just..I know she needs this, I know first-hand how helpful therapy can be. But the thought of my three year old needing it…"
"I know. It's never easy. But, Meredith, you didn't cause this. Zola has been given a lot of risk factors, but you and Derek have been reducing her risk for future problems since she came home with you. She is very lucky. I wouldn't be surprised if she only needs a few sessions with the psychologist. Kids usually tell me that Dr. Nolan is a lot of fun. Do you know him? I could refer you to him, or someone else if you like"
"I have heard good things about him. Sure, you can refer us to him. I can call there after I talk to Derek. I think he would agree that this is important"
"Alright, I'll make the referral right now."
Meredith glanced down at Bailey, who had fallen asleep despite the high fever. He would never feel abandoned, he would never know the fear of not knowing where his parents were. For an extended period of time anyway.
"Meredith?"
Meredith looked up, her eyes were shining with unshed tears.
"You didn't cause this. Things happened, and there are memories that need to be talked about. But, I don't want you thinking this is your fault, alright?"
"Okay, you're right. I know. Thank you. Thanks so much, Dr. Patterson. I'm sure I've taken too much of your time."
"Don't worry about that, I don't believe in putting a time limit on patient care"
"Me neither"
"Okay, here is Bailey's prescription. I'll make the referral to Dr. Nolan's office right now, and then you can call them to make an appointment."
"Alright, thank you Dr. Patterson. This really means a lot to me."
"You're welcome, Meredith. Take care."
Meredith left the doctor's office with Bailey in her arms. She was greeted by her exuberant little girl.
"Mama! Look, come look what Jenna and I made!"
Upon entering the playroom, Meredith saw the tower that Jenna and Zola had built with the blocks. There were two dolls inside it.
"Did you build a house?"
"I did!"
"Wow, Zo, it's so pretty!"
"Thank you mama. Is Bailey better?"
"Dr. P gave him some medicine. He will be all better soon."
"Good, I don't like when he cries so loud!"
Meredith laughed. "He sure is a loud boy, isn't he? Are you ready to go now?"
"We're going?" Zola pouted.
Meredith decided this was a perfect time to tell Zola about their lunch plans.
"Yes, Zola, we have to go. When we get home, I thought you and I could make some sandwiches for lunch"
"Samiches?"
"Yeah, and we could make them into animal shapes"
"ANIMAL SHAPES?" Zola exclaimed, very loudly.
Bailey began to cry, he was clearly not excited about the animal shaped sandwiches.
"Sshhh, Zo, remember your indoor voice. Yes, animal shapes, would you like that?"
"Let's go right now!"
"Right behind you Zo! Wait for us!"
Zola ran as fast as she could to the door. She was disappointed that they had to stop at the pharmacy on the way home. She was listing all of the different shapes, all the animal sandwiches she wanted to make. Meredith began to wonder if Zola would actually eat her lunch. She might not want to eat her animal friends.
Meredith had given Bailey his next dose of Tylenol before leaving the pediatrician's office. He was still screaming when they went to the pharmacy because the medicine hadn't had time to start working yet. Meredith noticed the stares from other people as she waited for Bailey's antibiotic. Zola was asking to go home. She was just so excited to make animal shapes. Bailey cried and cried, which upset Zola even more. Meredith could not wait to get out of there. Her children had been shockingly quiet and well behaved all day, until right now. When there were people around.
An older lady gave Meredith a sympathetic smile, which was a nice change from the uncomfortable stares. She approached them, smiling. Clearly, she knew how Meredith was feeling.
"It's not easy is it?" She asked Meredith, who was bouncing Bailey while Zola attempted to cling to her arm.
"No, two against one right?" Meredith said with a sigh.
"I remember those days well. My kids are grown now. Cherish every second of this, even though it seems unbearable at times"
Meredith knew the lady was right. She knew how close she and Derek were to never having any children. If they hadn't gotten Zola back from foster care, who knows where they would be now.
"Thank you. I'll remember that"
The older lady turned to Zola, who was clearly frustrated.
"What's your name, sweetie?"
"Zo". Zola replied, she was a little bit shy. But, since Meredith had spoken to the lady first, Zola knew that it was okay to talk to her as well.
"That's a pretty name"
Zola was still clinging to her mommy and didn't seem to know what to say.
"What do you say, Zo?" Meredith asked, gently. Zola was at the stage where she needed reminders to be polite. Plus, she wasn't used to having conversations with strangers. It was understandable that she was acting abnormally shy.
"Thank you"
The lady smiled at her. "You're very welcome, Zo"
"Me and mama are gonna make animals!" Zola exclaimed, suddenly overcoming her shyness.
"You're making animals?" She sounded genuinely excited for Zola, but was equally confused.
"Sandwiches, shaped like animals." Meredith clarified. The lady's eyes lit up.
"Oh, I used to do that with my youngest. He loved it. I wish I'd thought of it earlier. My older kids would have loved it too."
"We've never done it before, but I thought we would make today special."
"How nice!"
"Prescription for Bailey Shepherd?" The pharmacist called Bailey's name. Meredith gathered the children.
"It's time to go, Zo. Bailey's medicine is ready."
"Okay, mama. Bye-bye!" Zola waved to the older lady, quite exuberantly.
"Goodbye, Zo! Have fun making your animals!"
"Okay!" Zola yelled, as she ran out the door.
Meredith knew she should be telling Zola to say thank you to the woman, but the fact that Zola was now outside by herself was definitely the priority. She picked up her speed and opened the pharmacy door, to find Zola standing at the side of the building waiting for them.
"Oh, Zo, you gave me a heart attack!" Meredith knelt down to hug her little girl, before starting the lecture.
She remembered what she had read in the parenting books. You have to put your anger aside when your kids do something wrong. She was angry, scared and relieved, all at the same time. Putting those feelings aside was harder than the books made it seem.
"Zola, I know you're excited to get home. But it's really important that you don't run outside without a grownup."
"Sorry, Mama." Zola looked so apologetic and sad. She had been so excited, and it was easy for toddlers to forget the rules when they were excited.
"I forgive you, Zo. What should you do differently next time?"
"I wait for you"
"That's my good girl. Now come on, it's time to go home."
"Can we still make sandwiches, Mama?"
"Oh, I think we can still fit it in."
Thanks for reading! The good news is that chapter 8 is coming within a day or two. The sad news is that chapter 8 will be the final chapter of this story. I'm not going to have a chance to write for a while after this, so I need to wrap this up so that I don't leave you all hanging longer than I already have!
Thank you again to everyone who has read this story, I really appreciate it.