MMMG: Desolation of Smaug came out on DVD and Blue Ray yesterday! Guess what I did?!

Okay, I'm calm. Wow! 19 reviews? That's like the most ever! Thanks everyone!

Nataly S. Potter: Is this soon enough? Can I keep my braids? Gandalf is next chapter.

Malo919: Thanks for the idea. Gandalf will appear next chapter, and thanks for the support for the whole 'Azog killed Bilbo's parents' thing.

Azile Signer: Bilbo whump? What's that?

Beloved Daughter: We'll see what he looks like next chapter.

EdithOfGames: Right now I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe now, I'm torn. We'll see once I get there.

mschriber67: Glitter? ROTFL. Sure, we can add that! It's an idea, we'll see.

TigerCat: I think you're the first person who has openly approved of the Gandalf bashing. Great idea with Myrtle, I can see it now!

alfredo joy: Bilbo was in his traveling clothes because he wanted to dwarves to get to know the real him that would be traveling with them on their journey and not the gentlehobbit they believed the rumors of him to be. Yes it was a risk for him to wear those clothes, but it was one he was willing to take.

MMMG: Thanks for the reviews, I don't own the Hobbit and never will. Enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 5

About half an hour later, all of the dwarves had full bellies. Many were groaning in appreciation, and some of them even had to loosen their belts to make room for all the food. Bilbo smiled at the sight. Nothing said a job well done then satisfied guests.

"Excuse me." Ori said as he stepped up next to Bilbo, who was currently leaning against the cooling oven while smoking his pipe. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?"

Most of the dwarves looked over at the two, making Ori blush. Bilbo quickly looked around. Fíli, Kíli, and Bifur were standing in the doorway leading into the house, and the kitchen, with their dishes in their hands. Bofur, Bombur, Óin, and Glóin were all standing to take their dishes up to the house, and Dwalin was keeping an eye on Nori, who was also trying to duck Dori's mollycoddling. Thorin was the only one still eating. In fact, the dwarf had just started on his desert, poor guy.

"Toss it to Kíli." Bilbo replied promptly.

Everything grew quite. There were many jaw dropped expressions facing him, and even Thorin had turned in his chair to look at him. The hobbit wanted Ori to…?

"What?" Ori gasped.

"Did I stutter?" Bilbo asked teasingly. "Toss it. Just make sure your aim is good or you'll end up giving the lad a concussion."

"Oh I'd pay to see that!" Fíli grinned, making everyone laugh.

"Hey!" Kíli pouted.

"Okay then." Ori sighed.

Turning to the back door, Ori tossed his plate, where it was expertly caught by the dark haired prince before getting thrown to Bifur, who was once again at the sink. More plates followed as the dwarves saw the Bilbo wasn't going to freak out at their method of dishwashing, and all too soon, Bilbo heard the familiar sound of cutlery tapping against each other. Bilbo smiled, and said what he knew would set a familiar song into motion.

"Oh dear me, my knives will be all blunt after this." Bilbo drawled while the corners of his mouth twitched as he tried not to laugh. "Whatever will I do?"

"Oh, did you hear that lads?" Bofur said, having seen the hidden smile while he tapped his fork and knife with Nori's. "He says we'll blunt the knives."

"Blunt the knives, bend the forks." Kíli began to sing as he continued to pass the plates along.

"Smash the bottle and burn the corks." Fíli sang as he caught two plates and flung them back.

"Chip the glasses and crack the plates…" all of the dwarves, except Thorin, sang as they thudded the silverware and their feet louder. "That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

Bilbo couldn't help it. He laughed as he watched Ori walk past with a tower of bowls and plate taller than him, followed by Dori and Óin. Oh, how he missed this song. Yeah, he had been annoyed with it the first time, but this time he loved it. It just went to show the dwarves already thought of him as an ally if they were going to tease him like this.

"Cut the cloth, tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door!"

Bilbo was content to stay out of the way while the dwarves went about their business. In doing so, he was able to observe several details he had managed to miss last time due to his 'panic'. The first was that Dwalin played some type of fiddle and that Bofur played a tin flute, and it made such lovely music while the dishes were thrown about.

The second was Dwalin and Nori got along well for a guard and a thief. Dwalin, while still playing his fiddle, would bump the bowls, cups, and plates to the middle Ri brother, who would catch them before sending them off to Fíli or Kíli. Neither one purposely tried to hurt the other, or even glare at them. It seemed like they got along better then they led everyone to believe. How in all of Arda had he missed that last time?

And third was that Óin was playing his teapot like a flute. Oh, too funny.

"Dump the crocks in a bowling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
When you're finished, if they are whole
Send them down the hall to roll!"

Bilbo again chuckled as he watched the cookware fly. There wouldn't be much time for merry-making once they were on the road, so it was best to enjoy it now while they could. And even if the song was 'teasing' him, they would be able to look back during the dreary days in the future and have a nice long laugh.

"That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

By then Bilbo had sauntered into his kitchen to see all of the dishes were cleaned and stacked in many neat piles. The dwarves were gathered in the kitchen, and most laughing while holding a mug of ale or tea. Even more impressive was the leftovers had been sliced and pack up for the trip tomorrow.

"Impressive." Bilbo nodded his head in approval. "Wait, you missed a spot."

"Where?" Bofur leaned closer, trying to see the spot they had missed.

"There." Bilbo grinned as he flipped Bofur's hat off his head.

"Hey!" Bofur protested as everyone else roared in laughter.

Bifur said something in Khuzdul that Bilbo didn't understand, but figured it was something along the lines of having the miner's approval of him. Bombur was nodding his head in agreement as he laughed. Bofur glared at them half-heartedly as he put his hat back on top of his head, but gave Bilbo a nod with a mischievous look.

"Mr. Boggins does jokes too!" Kíli cheered. "We're keeping him!"

"Baggins, Kíli." Bilbo chuckled. "But since you have such a hard time remembering, just call me Bilbo."

"Okay Mr. Bilbo." Kíli replied with a grin.

"Kids." Bilbo rolled his eyes as he left the kitchen, laughter coming from the older dwarves.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kíli protested as they followed him back outside.

"Exactly what it sounds like." Bilbo replied with a grin of his own.

"Let's get started." Thorin's voice came from Bilbo's left, and he turned to see the dwarf standing behind him. "We have much to fill Mr. Baggins in on."

"But before we get into details, what news from the meeting in Ered Luin?" Balin asked as they found their seats. "Did they all come?"

"Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms." Thorin replied as he sat at the head of the table.

The way everyone was seated was pretty much the same as last time. Thorin at the head of the table, and to his right was Bofur, Balin, Glóin, Nori, Dori, Ori, and Bombur at the other end of the table. But to his left, instead of Gandalf it was Bilbo, and then Dwalin, Bifur, Óin, Fíli, and Kíli.

"And what of the dwarves from the Iron Hills?" Dwalin asked seriously. "Is Dain with us?"

"They will not come." Thorin sighed as he broke the bad news to his kinfolk. "They say this quest is ours, and ours alone."

'Cowards.' Bilbo thought angrily.

Many of the dwarf rulers had come back to Erebor many years after the Battle of Five Armies, and credited the victory of the mountain to Dain. The old king hadn't set them straight and seemed to enjoy the praise, according to the elderly Balin before he left for Moria. In the end, many of the cowardly kings had profited off of Erebor's wealth, but not contributing much back at all. The spineless sea sponges.

"What is this quest about?" Bilbo asked after he was sure his temper was under control.

Thorin looked at him before looking to Balin. The advisor understood the look and nodded. Bilbo turned his attention to the older dwarf, as did everyone else.

"Far to the east of here, over rivers, mountains, woodland, and wasteland, lies a single solitary peak." Balin explained. "The Lonely Mountain, home of the great dwarf kingdom of Erebor."

"Aye, Óin has read the portents, and the portents say it is time." Glóin interjected, getting many eye rolls at the mention of the foretelling again.

"Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain, as it was foretold." Óin agreed and began to recite. "When the bird of yore return to Erebor, the reign of the Beast will end."

"And this beast is?" Bilbo prompted.

"Well, that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age." Bofur replied. "Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, is extremely fond of precious metals…"

"I know what a dragon is." Bilbo interjected with a mild glare.

"I'm not afraid! I'm up for it!" Ori proclaimed as he stood up. "I'll give him a taste of dwarvish iron right of his jacksie!"

"Good lad Ori!" Nori and several others praised.

"Sit down." Dori growled as he tugged his younger sibling back into his chair.

"The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just 13." Balin cut into the chatter, silencing everyone. "Not 13 of the best. Or brightest."

"Here now, who are you calling dim?" Nori demanded above everyone else's protests and denial of lack of smarts.

"That number could be 14." Bilbo cut in. "But I still don't know what this quest is about. All I know is that there is a dwarf kingdom called Erebor many miles east of here and that there is a dragon named Smaug involved."

"161 years ago Smaug overran Erebor and exiled the dwarves that lived there." Thorin picked up. "Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon has not been seen in 60 years. We fear the others that have read the same signs that Óin has. Many eyes look east to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risks."

"You think someone else will try to claim Erebor for themselves and want to get their first." Bilbo summed up.

"Basically." Thorin nodded and addressed the rest of the company. "Perhaps Erebor is now vacant, that Smaug is dead. Do we sit back and watch others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance and take back Erebor?!"

All of the dwarves except Balin cheered. Bilbo smiled, enjoying how the king could so easily rally his loyal people to him and encourage them. He would be the best king after Erebor had been reclaimed.

"Du bekàr! Du bekàr! (To arms! To arms!)" Thorin called to his kinfolk, who cheered even louder.

"You forget the front gate is sealed!" Balin yelled above the din, and lowered his voice as everyone turned somber as they remembered. "There is no way into the mountain."

Everyone's down faces was a heart wrenching picture. Originally, this was where Gandalf presented Thorin with the key, and at the start of this conversation, the map. But now Bilbo had them in his belt pocket, and he just couldn't pull them out, could he?

"Wait." Bilbo sat up straight, stilled as everyone turned to him before he fumbled with his clothes. "Gandalf also had these on him. He dropped them with the list."

Pulling out the piece of paper and metal item, Bilbo set them on the table. Thorin reached for the key, having seen his father with it while Bilbo unfolded the map. Thorin stared at the key before he took a deep breath, composing himself.

"This was my father's." Thorin said. "How did the wizard come by it?"

"I'm more concerned about how long he had it." Bilbo replied as he laid the map out flat so all could see. "And this map of the Lonely Mountain."

Bifur stood and used Dwalin's bald head as an arm rest and translated the ancient dwarvish words on the map into Khuzdul. All of the dwarves there nodded their heads as they understood something, and Bilbo sighed. Even though he did know what the map said, he still had to pretend he didn't.

"What is it?" Bilbo asked.

"The ruins on the map speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls of Erebor." Balin explained. "One that Smaug can't get at. 'Five feet high the door and three may walk abreast'."

"There's another way in." Kíli grinned.

"And we have the key to the door." Fíli added with his own grin.

"A door that is invisible when shut." Balin reminded them. "Such is the way of dwarf doors."

"The map doesn't give any clues on how to find it?" Bilbo asked, looking to Bifur, and the dwarf shook his head. "Bummer."

"There may be a clue on the map that we can't see right now." Ori piped up. "There are many ways to include a hidden message."

"So we need someone with the skills who can find the clue and decipher it." Balin sighed, adding the detail to his ever growing 'To-Do' list.

"Well, that's not me." Bilbo shook his head. "Why did Gandalf bring you to me?"

"It's a twofold deal." Thorin said. "One is to calm the superstitious, since the number 13 is unlucky to the dwarves and Gandalf said he would not be able to travel with us at all times. The second is that we need someone who is quick and quiet to… scout the terrain."

"You need me to go into the mountain and see if Smaug is still there?" Bilbo asked.

"Essentially." Thorin confirmed.

"If he is?" Bilbo questioned.

"Then there is a certain jewel that we would need you to get so we could go to the Iron Hills for the aid of my cousin and his army." Thorin replied. "Details will be given if you are to join us."

"Scout the terrain and steal from a dragon." Bilbo sighed. "Sounds impressive on a résumé."

"Do you have any experience stealing?" Nori asked.

"Some." Bilbo replied with a nod. "Just not recently. The Shire tends to frown when you make off with your neighbors silverware."

"He's an expert!" Óin cheered, not catching all Bilbo had said.

"Oh boy." Bilbo mumbled, and could have sworn he felt Thorin's boot gently touch his foot in sympathy, but it was probably his imagination.

"No offence laddie, but you hardly look to be burglar material." Balin said gently.

"The wild is no place for the gentlefolk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves." Dwalin added.

Bilbo didn't reply. He just tossed both of the dwarf's bags of coins across the table, which he had 'relieved them of' when they first arrived, and let that do the talking. Everyone stared, as Dwalin and Balin both felt where they kept their coin purses and were startled to find that they weren't there. Both stared at him in shock, wondering when he had snagged the pouches in the first place as most of the dwarves started laughing, and Bilbo definitely saw Thorin's mouth twitch in humor before he frowned again.

"That reminds me, have you done much fighting?" Thorin suddenly asked, and Bilbo remembered the same question from last time but was able to answer differently this time.

"Yes." Bilbo nodded. "But I will need a sparring partner to help me get back into decent shape."

"What's your choice of weapon?" Thorin questioned, after nodding his confirmation to the first question. "Axe or sword?"

"Sword, but one my size would be considered a letter opener or a bread knife." Bilbo replied. "I also have skill with a bow."

"Really?" Kíli perked up at the thought that he may not be the only archer any more.

"Yep." Bilbo nodded. "My mother taught me and I've been practicing lately. 3 missed targets out of 70 is pretty good in my opinion."

"Indeed." Kíli nodded his head.

"Master Baggins, you do have sticky fingers, but two bags of coin is hardly stealing from a dragon." Thorin brought Bilbo's attention back.

"I don't think one can prepare for stealing from a firedrake." Bilbo replied as he took a sip of his ale.

"I still don't see why I can't do it." Nori grumbled, earning an elbow in the ribs from Dori.

"Because Smaug has been in a dwarf mountain for how long?" Balin replied with a raised eyebrow. "He is accustomed to the smell of dwarves. The scent of a hobbit is unknown to him."

"Hobbits are also light on their feet, and can pass by unseen by most if we choose." Bilbo added. "We never played hide and seek for that reason. It takes weeks to find everyone."

"If you come, I cannot guarantee your safety." Thorin told him. "Nor will I be responsible for your fate, or anyone else's."

"Agreed." Bilbo nodded his head.

"Give him the contract." Thorin said to Balin.

"We're off!" Bofur cheered.

"It's just the usual." Balin said as he pulled the contract out of one of his tunic pocket and handed it to Bilbo. "Summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, and so forth."

"Indeed." Bilbo hummed as he scanned the contract, his lips twitching to a half smile as he read the 'incineration' line, before he frowned. "Question. This says that if I have a severe issue with a member of the company that needs resolving, there will be a trial, but all arguments will be in Khuzdul. So I'm not to understand a word of what's being said or be able to argue my point?"

To his surprised, Balin gained a hint of red under his beard and on his ears. Thorin groaned, but it could have been a cleverly disguised chuckle as he rubbed his hand over his beard.

"Balin, when I said to copy the contracts, I thought you would have the foresight to change that detail when Gandalf said our burglar wasn't going to be a dwarf." Thorin drawled.

"My mistake." Balin sighed. "If you have some paper Master Baggins, I'll write up a new one."

"No need." Bilbo shook his head and quickly ran inside to his study before running back out with a special quill. "This will take care of it."

"Where's the ink?" Ori asked.

"Just watch." Bilbo chuckled.

Bilbo regretted not bringing this quill along last time, so now he could show it off. The quill was one that Lord Elrond had given his mother on her first trip to Rivendell, especially after seeing how many notes she had, and most of them were scratched off. To save the paper waste, Elrond gave her the quill, which had some special properties to it.

The first was that it held its own supply of ink. The second was that it could reabsorb ink off any paper it was written on, as well as any old ink it was written over. Bilbo demonstrated this as he lightly traced the paragraph about the trials and arguments, and then held the tip of the quill on the first word. Everyone watched as the ink flowed back into the pen, leaving nothing but fresh paper.

"Wow!" Ori was at his shoulder in an instant. "How does it do that?"

"No idea." Bilbo shook his head. "It was a gift for my mother, but it comes in handy when I've made a mistake that needs correcting."

"Indeed." Thorin agreed, secretly wishing he had one of those to save him time and energy from some of the paperwork he had to do back in Ered Luin, and would have to do once they reclaimed Erebor.

"Just write out what you want." Bilbo said as he passed the contract and the quill back to Balin. "The ink will come out as you write."

"Incredible." Balin mumbled as he rewrote the paragraphs and checked the rest of the contract for any other mistakes that might have been missed. "That should do it."

Bilbo re-read the paragraph and found it suitable, and read the rest of the contract before taking the quill and signing his name at the bottom. It was official. He was a burglar now going on the quest to reclaim the Lonely Mountain, and Erebor.

An hour or so later, everyone had gathered in the smoking room after Bilbo had showed them where they would sleep. Fíli, Kíli, and Thorin had protested at taking his room, but Bilbo put his foot down and told them he was less likely to roll off his small couch in the middle of the night then they were. That had ended the quarrel, but Bilbo could tell that the three were still not happy about it. Too bad.

Bilbo was perched on the window seat as the dwarves began to hum. Oh, he knew this song. This was the song that had changed his mind the last time, but it wouldn't be their quest if Misty Mountains wasn't sung. Thorin was standing next to the fireplace, staring intently into the flames as he started to sing the old song.

"Far over the Misty Mountains cold,
to dungeons deep and caverns old.
We must away ere break of day,
to find our long-forgotten gold."

The others joined in and stood to face Thorin as the exiled king turned to face them. This was the coming together of the company. This was the understanding of their goal, and that they all were willing to do whatever it took to reach that goal. Bilbo hummed the song, despite his desire to sing along, but didn't know how to explain that he knew the words, so humming would have to do.

"The pines were roaring on the height,
the winds were moaning in the night.
The fire was red, it flaming spread,
the trees like torches, blazed with light."

Yes, he would help them reclaim Erebor, and this time, Thorin, Fíli, and Kíli would all live to rule. Bilbo was going to make sure of it, even if he had to pull Thranduil's ears and kill Smaug himself to do it.

Thorin would be King of Erebor.

MMMG: And there is the end of chapter 5! Hope you enjoyed!

Gandalf will be back next chapter, and sorry if Thorin seemed out of character, but I wanted him more willing to explain things to Bilbo who 'knew nothing' of their quest and why they were at his home.

See you later! Please review while I go watch The Desolation of Smaug again!