A Kid's Mythbusters, Chapter Four
By Snazzo
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"Hi everyone! Hugh Neutron here for Mallard Motors! If you're in the need for a new car come on down to downtown Retroville because have I got a deal for you! The 2009 Snorgora, only 18,549! The 2009 Piggleback, a steal at 16,899! We have used cars too! A 2000 Ford Funny Car, 3000! A 1950 Corvette, 2500! Only used by a little old lady every Sunday to go to church and Bingo. And for a limited time only, not only will we give you a bumper to bumper 7 year warranty, not only will we give you no haggle service with a smile, not only will we give you the best deals in the country, BUT we will give you a free rubber ducky just for stopping by! So remember, when it's a car you need, Mallard Motors is the place you need to visit!" Hugh gave a big grin and two thumbs up. Then he added "Thanks Jimbo!"
"Sure thing Dad!" Jimmy said. "All right! Now, ladies and gentlemen, Goddard has secured the lawn chair to the top of the rocket, and Carl into the lawn chair! Here we go. Three! Two! One!" Jimmy pushed the button on his remote. The rocket shuddered and roared, Diet Coke shot out of the nozzles beneath it, and the rocket lifted into the air. "And we have liftoff, we have liftoff! We have cleared the cactus!" Jimmy said with glee. "Godspeed the crew of Mentos-Coke One!"
"Uh, Jimmy," Sheen said nervously.
"Oh NO!" Cindy cried.
"This was unplanned," Jimmy said.
"RUN!!" Libby yelled. And they ran.
Surging towards them across the dessert was a five foot high wave of Diet Coke, foaming at the crest. Goddard couldn't carry all of them, so he popped a surf board out of his back, very much like the one they rode on Mars. Jimmy, Sheen, Cindy and Libby hopped onboard.
"Cowabunga Dude!" Sheen yelled, hanging ten.
"Sheen, be careful!" Libby warned.
Suddenly Goddard hit a Joshua tree and they all flew into the air, then down into the bubbling lake of Diet Coke. After much swimming and spluttering about, they all climbed up on a rock.
"Uh," Libby gasped. "Let's check in on Carl." The scene shifted to Carl in his lawn chair. "Can you read us Carl?"
"Rogerooni!" Carl said. "All systems go! The sky is not so much blue anymore and I'm starting to see stars. I can't remember all those mesosphere and ionosphere things, but I'm not so fearful after being up here so many times. Ah! Now I'm in outer space I think, because it's all stars. Next stop the moon!" The video jumped to the rocket landing on the moon. Carl got out of the lawn chair and peered over the edge, looking down at the lunar surface. "Oh, it's a long way down there," Carl said nervously.
"Relax, Carl," Jimmy's voice came back. "It's only 1000 feet or so. And you still have your insoles on and you're in 1/6th gravity."
"Okay. Here goes." Carl stepped off the top of the rocket and floated all the way down to the moon. He landed in a small cloud of dust, making him cough. He took a quick blast from his inhaler just to play it safe. "That may have been a small step for Neil Armstrong but it's a big leap for me!"
"Hello Carl! It's good to see you again!" Brobot came wheeling up to Carl.
"Hi Brobot!"
"Where's my brother Jimmy?" Brobot asked.
"It's just me this time, Brobot," Carl said.
"You came all by yourself to visit me? Aw, that's so nice! You're my favorite brother's friend! Wanna go play some moon tennis? Moon bowling? Moon hopscotch? Moon tiddlywinks? I saw you coming and Mom made some moon pies too!"
"Moon pies!" Carl said. "Wow! That's worth the trip alone! But first let me take care of something, Brobot. Heya Jim?"
"Yes, Carl?" Jimmy asked.
"How do I get back to earth? I used up all the Diet Coke getting here."
… "Uh, back?" …
"Jimmy!" Carl cried.
"Uh, don't worry Carl. We'll think of something. Or I'll just come get you in one of my rockets."
"You can spend the time with me, Carl!" Brobot said enthusiastically.
"Okay," Carl replied. "Lead me to those moon pies, Brobot."
Back on earth Libby said, "Well, don't you worry about Carl, viewers. We'll get him back soon. In the meantime, I'm afraid we have to take care of some business." The camera revealed that all of them were in Las Vegas, on the Strip. Cindy looked furious, washing the base of the Statue of Liberty outside of the New York New York Resort. Goddard had a huge power washer sticking out of his back and was hosing down the goldenlion in front of the MGM Grand. Jimmy and Sheen were scrubbing the sphinx outside of the Luxor Resort. And Libby had a long mop and was washing the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign.
"I'm afraid our tidal wave of Diet Coke made a huge mess here on the Las Vegas Strip," Libby explained. "It came rushing down the Strip, knocking over buses and cars, washing up against resorts, and generally making a nasty sticky mess. And to avoid –er- an ever bigger mess in court we've agreed with the Las Vegas Chamber of Congress to give the Strip a good washing."
"It was only a small flash flood," Jimmy tried to reason with Cindy, "It wasn't THAT big of a mess."
"I don't want to hear about it, Neutron," Cindy said. "It's bad enough my shoes and outfit are ruined! Now here I am cleaning the Miss Liberty's feet on national television."
"You're not cleaning my feet," Libby pointed out.
"You're not helping, Libby," Cindy growled.
"Besides," Jimmy reasoned, "The crowds loved it and the resorts want us to repeat it next year, make it an annual event. They love a spectacle in Las Vegas. From Elvis to Liberace. Imploding buildings become a big party, and they used to have Atomic parties to watch nuclear tests."
"That's insane!" Sheen exclaimed. "I love it!"
The gang finished cleaning up Las Vegas, and then Jimmy flew out to bring back Carl.
"Now what?" Sheen asked.
"Up next," Cindy declared. "Just how indestructible are Twinkies?"
"Ooo, Cindy," Carl groaned, rubbing his stomach. "I don't know if I can get down many Twinkies, I ate a mess of moon pies!"
"We have faith in you Carl," Sheen said.
"The Twinkie," Cindy said in a voice over, as the video showed Twinkies being baked and made by the thousands. "Said to be the most perfect food ever devised by mankind. Small, compact, delicious, high in Vitamin C and riboflavin, high in carbs, a complete meal in one yellow nearly indestructible piece of sponge cake with creamy filling."
"Oh baby," Carl moaned.
"Calm down, Carl," Libby said gently.
"But just how indestructible is it? We're going to put them to the test. Jimmy will use his microwave Insta-Ager to test a Twinkie's shelf life. You may recall that this little machine made pearls for Jimmy's mom when he was trying to bribe his way into Retroland."
"Ah, the start of our grand adventures," Jimmy said. "I will further put the Twinkie to other scientific tests, like gamma rays, X-rays, neutrino rays, and all kinds of other rays from A to Z."
"I've chosen the elements, that is mostlyrain and water pressure," Cindy explained. "I propose to see if a Twinkie is waterproof, and can survive the pressure of the ocean's deepest depths. I will also test the effects of exposure to heat and cold for a Twinkie. Sheen, on theother hand,wants to see if a Twinkie can survive different kinds of weapons."
"Yeah, like all the one's in Ultralord's arsenal!" Sheen said.
"With Goddard's help, Sheen will be firing Z-beams, paralyzer rays, and electo-pulses at a Twinkie to see if can stand up to the assault," Cindy continued. "Libby is going to do some – yes, you guessed it – various forms of music."
"I just couldn't help it," Libby said. "Music is my life! Besides I did so well with my plant experiment in biology. But for added fun, I'm going to test impact, like falls as seen with the cats myth, and if a Twinkie were in a car crash at 70 mph hour, would it survive and could you use it as an airbag?"
"Hey, what about me?" Carl asked, crestfallen.
"And Carl will be providing the most important test of all," Cindy concluded. "He will be taste testing each Twinkie sample to see if it indeed is still edible and nutritious. We'll be back after these messages."
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"Twinkies are both fun and neat,
Yummy, good, nice and sweet!
So if you wanta life that's long,
Have a Twinkie and sing this song!"
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Snazzo does not own Twinkies, nor Mentos and Diet Coke. Though he does eat too many Twinkies for his own good.
Comments and reviews very welcome.