A Kid's Mythbusters, Chapter Five
By Snazzo
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The show continued. All the experiments were set up and each Mythbuster explained them for the audience. "Now," Libby said, "some of these experiments require time. We were going to do it the old fashioned way and wait around, but Jimmy is going to use his Quantum Replay on them." Jimmy used the device on the select experiments. "Now let's see the results."
"First let's check out this Twinkie," Jimmy said, opening up the Insta-Ager. "I have two in here, one opened, one still in the package. The opened one, after sitting dormant for approximately ten years, is now hard as a rock and shrunk to half its size as all the moisture evaporated. It's not so much yellow anymore but a nice shade of puke. Let's look at the one in the wrapper." Jimmy opened the wrapper and the plastic disintegrated into little flakes. "Ah. This Twinkie remains moist and yellow, though it's about as hard as –hm- fresh concrete. It is about nine years, six months past its expiration date. Now for the Big Test."
Carl stepped up. With his mighty jaws he bit off a bit of the stone Twinkie, then a piece of the concrete Twinkie. "Well, in both of them the creamy filling feels like toothpaste and tastes like cardboard, but I have to say it's still edible and nutritious. Twinkies stand the test of time in your experiment, Jim."
"Now let's check out the others," Jimmy said. "These Twinkies have been exposed to intense amounts of strange radiations for about ten years. As you can see many of them look like raisins now and some are highly radioactive. Carl?"
"Just to play it safe I've taken a slug of lead laced Pepto-Bismol," Carl said. He proceeded to snarf down the Twinkies. "Mmm, still delicious!"
Cindy was next. "The first experiment was simplicity itself. I plopped a Twinkie in a bucket of water and let it set a spell. As you can see all the yellow dye drained off the sponge cake, so the water turned yellow. The cake itself has enlarged like a sponge, hence the name sponge cake, while also dissolving a bit around the edges. The creamy filling liquefied, so it's not so much a Twinkie anymore but a Liquid Twinkie."
"Cindy!" Carl said. "That may be the new Power Drink!"
"For the next experiment we took an open Twinkie and a packaged Twinkie down into the Marianas Trench, deep in the ocean, the deepest spot on planet earth at 35,798 feet below sea level, almost seven miles deep. There it has always been dark and the water pressure is 1086 pounds per square inch." The video showed the gang in Jimmy submarine. "As you can see the intense pressure crushed the Twinkie like a soda can, into the size of a sugar cube. But when we surfaced, each Twinkie regained some of its shape. Though it was a total mess." Two plates of white and yellow paste sat on a table. "Now for Carl."
Carl took a great ladle full of the Liquid Twinkie. "Mmm," he said. "Twinkariffic!" He spooned up the Twinkie mush. "Tastes fine and dandy, Cindy. I think the Twinkie is still going strong."
"Here's a Twinkie I just sat in the sun for ten years," Cindy indicated. On the table was a very sun burnt Twinkie. "And here's a Twinkie that suffered the equivalent of sitting under my bed for ten years." Another Twinkie was sitting with two inches of dust upon it, looking quite gray instead of fluffy yellow, with mold and mushrooms growing off of it. Cindy blew the dust off.
"Cindy!" Carl cried. "My asthma!" Carl took a shot of his inhaler while Goddard blew the dust away with a fan popped up out of his back. Carl then ate the Twinkies. "Still TwinkieTastic!" Carl announced.
"Me next! Me next!" Sheen yelled. "Okay, here is Goddard, back as a dog." Goddard nodded his head and barked. "And here we have twelve Twinkies set up at a safe distance." The camera revealed that Sheen, Goddard and the gang were once again in the desert. "Because of the powerful powerfulness of Goddard's weapons, Jimmy has us out here again. Goddard, fire at will!"
"There's no one here named Will, Sheen," Carl pointed out.
"Carl!" Sheen groaned. "That's lame!"
Goddard shot his laser eyes at a Twinkie, slicing it cleanly in half and setting it on fire. Goddard fired his plasma cannon at a Twinkie, turning it into a smoldering splattered crater. Up came the paralyzer beam, but the Twinkie seemed fine after that. The quantum cannon, the antitank missiles, the Neutronium Bambeam, the Atomic Choco-blast, the Z-ray, the Q-ray, and the N-ray all shot at the Twinkies, blowing up the Twinkies left and right. Finally came the electrobolt, singing the Twinkie black.
"Cease fire!" Sheen ordered. Goddard barked. The gang approached the carnage. "Last attack, Goddard." A .44 Magnum revolver came out of Goddard's back. "I know what you're thinking, Twinkie," Sheen said in his best Clint Eastwood. "Did Goddard fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But seeing as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow you completely to bits at point blank range, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? … Well, do ya, punk? Goddard, fire." BLAMO! The Twinkie ceased to exist.
"Sheen! You dork!" Cindy complained. "Now I've got bits of Twinkie in my hair!"
"I don't know, Carl," Sheen said with a smile. "I don't think your Twinkie survived that impressive attack. Goddard isn't as powerful as Ultralord, but he does have an impressive weapons array."
"Oh ye of little faith!" Carl said.
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Sheen asked.
"I dunno," Carl admitted. "Some old goofy way of saying Trust Me." Carl pulled out a magnifying glass. He then began to scour the desert for the remains of Twinkies. He ate the charred ones, he scraped the sand off the goo and slurped the creamy filling off his fingers, he picked up bits of cake and tossed them in his mouth. He went up to Cindy and picked the Twinkie bits out of her hair and ate them.
"That is SO gross," Libby said.
"I feel like a monkey getting groomed!" Cindy complained.
"You look like a monkey getting groomed," Sheen laughed. Cindy whopped him upside the head.
After a few minutes Carl announced "I can now confirm that I have eaten 100% of the twelve original Twinkies. They remain yummy and nutritional."
Libby sadly shook her head. "Guys, I'm afraid my music experiments were a whole lot of nothing." She motioned to an array of Twinkies sitting between an array of headphones. "From classical to hip hop; from country to novelty; opera, Christmas carols, hymns, Latin, soundtracks, Broadway – nothing seemed to affect the Twinkie at all. Except a recording of Sheen singing "The Yellow Rose of Texas." That Twinkie, as you can see, has melted."
"Well, my stomach is still up to it, Libby, let me at them," Carl said. He walked down the row, sampling each one. "The hip hop Twinkie has a good beat and you can dance to it," he commented. "While the Christmas carol Twinkie has a vague peppermint taste to it. But I'd have to say they're all fine, even the melted one."
"My other Twinkie tests were more impressive," Libby said. The video showed Libby again on top of the skyscraper. Off went the Twinkie. The high speed camera showed the Twinkie hit the pavement and bounce down the street, seemingly unfazed. Carl hunted down the Twinkie and ate it in one swallow, giving the thumbs up and a big grin.
Another video showed a Twinkie sitting in a car, without it's seatbelt. A sign on the car said "This Qwiggles 3500 Roadster courtesy of Mallard Motors." The car accelerated at a wall in a test track and smashed to smitherines. Carl came out, searched among the debris, then found the mashed Twinkie. He pulled a shard of glass out of it, then ate that Twinkie as well. "Boys and girls, though that Twinkie is still delicious, nutritious, and hardly damaged, let us remember that YOU are not unbreakable like a Twinkie. Please use your seatbelt when in a car," Carl said.
"Wow!" Jimmy said. "This myth is very nearly confirmed! The Twinkie does appear to be indestructible! But we have one last test."
"I hope it finally involves a big explosion," Sheen said. "The tidal wave was cool, but I want my explosions!"
"Sheen, we have one of the biggest explosions ever witnessed by mankind coming up," Jimmy said. "The myth is if you build an atomic bomb out of Lego bricks, will it really detonate? We'll test that myth, AND test if a Twinkie can withstand the radiation, the heat, and the blast effects at the same time!"
"AWESOME!" Sheen said.
"But first a word from our sponsor," Libby said.
"Legos are both clean and warm
And many far above the norm!
So when you want to have fun at play,
Go buy some Legos right today!"
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Snazzo does not own Lego Bricks, but he has a mess of them and he treasures each one. Lego is celebrating its 50th Anniversary this year!
Snazzo doesn't own Jimmy Neutron either. Nor Twinkies. Actually he prefers Nutty Bars.
Comments and Reviews very much welcome, and Thanks bunches for reading.