Celene's heart constricted painfully in her chest and she kept her eyes firmly focused on the doorway at the end of the hall, Cullen's pendant almost burning her skin beneath her robes. The Grey Warden at her side felt like a comforting buffer between her fragile skin and the stares that lanced into it, but no one person could be fully effective against a world of others. She'd been saved, miraculously, and wasn't sure she wanted or deserved it. She'd argued, privately, and she felt convincingly, that Lily deserved saving more than her, but had been overruled. There were mages who spent nights with other mages, and when they snuck or stumbled back to their own quarters, it was refered to as a walk of shame. This felt almost like what that sounded like, but it wasn't, and Celene darted a nervous look to her sides as she took in the hostile stares and whispers, trying to find the appropriate term for what it did feel like. All she could think of was an apostate being led to the town square by an angry mob to be stoned to death.
She'd suspected Jowan had been lying about his innocence, but to have it confirmed, and to have her collusion paraded in front of so many judgmental eyes was far worse than she'd expected. She didn't see the one face she wanted to, though he wasn't one to peek out of doors, or line the halls after she'd passed. Celene began to shiver, and had to lock her jaw to keep her teeth from chattering. He would show up. Even if he thought she was a blood mage, or heard she helped one, he had to show up. She'd loved him for far too long.
If she could ask for anything, though Maker knew she wouldn't have the temerity after all of her offences, and through the heavy fog she could rarely lift herself from, she'd ask to wake up next to him. She'd ask for the chance to tell him that she knew his smile like she'd spent everyday of her life looking at it, though he rarely smiled, especially around her. Around her he just longed and bled, and his eyes flickered perfectly, trying not to stare at her too long. Some small part of her felt like she was asking too much of one person, but most of her felt like he would've made her happier, and on the days where no one could save her, he would've sat with her, and weathered her storms, even though they were often hurricanes.
She saw him, finally, when they entered the room with the Door, and the world fell into place. It took all of her willpower not to step towards him, but she could do it because she had to, for him. It wouldn't do to ruin his life here just as she was leaving. Celene tried to square her shoulders, but only ended up supressing a whimper, the pain in her chest spiking. She looked back once and regretted it instantly, her steps faltering as everything she'd held onto for so long stood behind her, gazing at her as if she meant something. Celene pretended the tears that leaked from the corners of her eyes were from the light, so harsh and unsual, not the feeling of having a small ogre ripping through her insides as she walked further and further away, until finally, the door clanged shut behind them.