"Okay," Mario said in front of the stadium, "Let's go over the rules of the battles: First, no items. Second, it's a one-life KO only. Third, whichever army has a soldier left will win, so it's down to the last man, or woman. Got it?"
"Yeah!" the host said, "Let's do this!"
"Question," Sonic asked, "Where the heck are we going to get stages big enough for two giant apes and/or 12 armies to fight?"
"Simple," Mario answered, "We have two stages big enough at the center of the stadium. One is the bottom of Icicle Mountain and the other is Hyrule Field. The Earls will fight at the bottom of Icicle Mountain and the armies will then fight on Hyrule Field. Deal?"
"Sure," the host said, not seeing any problem with the arrangement.
"Very well," Mario said, "Let the battle begin!"
The two Earls were teleported to the bottom of Icicle Mountain. They looked around and faced each other. I'll refer to my Earl as Earl 1 and Kupo's as Earl 2.
Earl 2 turned his umbrella into a giant sword that he could easily wield with one hand or two if he pleased. Earl 1 had no weapons and simply cracked his knuckles as he prepared for the battle.
Earl 1 charged forth and swung at Earl 2. (I'll call them 1 and 2 now because I'm lazy.) 2 simply stepped aside at swung his sword at 1's back. 1 turned around and ducked and punched 2 right in the gut. 2's wind was knocked out of him, but otherwise seemed unaffected by this. He then kicked 1 in the chest (keep in mind 2 was twice as big as 1.) and sent him back a good 50 yards.
1 looked up as he kneeled on the ground, a furious look in his eyes. He then charged forth and swung with all his might, but 2 jumped into the air and landed on 1's back. 1 winced from the pain.
When 2 stepped off, 1 swung his feet and his ankles, trying to trip him. He jumped and kicked 1 in the back, sending him sliding about 20 yards away.
1 breathed hard as he slowly got up. 2 jumped high into the air and landed on 1's chest, sending him back onto the ground. 1 knew he would lose for sure if he didn't think of something. Suddenly, he had an idea.
True, 2 was stronger, bigger and more powerful than 1, but 1 was more experienced and knew that 2 made the single biggest mistake in fighting another when he was male. It was every male's weakness.
So, 1 kneed 2 right where the sun don't shine. His extreme pain became apparent in his eyes as he covered where he had been kneed. As he writhed on the ground, 1 picked him up by the ankles and swung him around and around and sent him off into the distance, KOing him.
Earl had won.