23.

"Something's not right." Cloud scanned the room. He dismissed the normal sights of Yuffie helping herself to anything shiny, Reno throwing sharpened pencils into the ceiling tiles, and Cait Sith humping a Chow behind the tree: all reassuring, everyday activities not matching the ominous tremor Cloud almost recognized.

"You can say that again! Mr. Immaculate over there stiffed me on my tip!" Tifa muttered, wadding up a handful of cash and stuffing it in her bustier.

Cloud ignored her, tilting his head as though listening to another voice. Then he realized: the voice was inside his mind.

And it was singing.

"I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs…"

Cloud twitched.

"Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there…"

He tried shaking his head, to no avail. The low, melodious, uniquely Machiavellian voice continued with its harmonious mockery as though Cloud had a radio receiver implanted in his gray matter. Then again, there's no telling what Hojo did while I was unconscious…nope,notgonnathinkaboutit.

"Cloud? You okay?" Tifa was giving him another of Those Looks. "Is Aerith messing with you again?"

"I wish!"

Tifa stared at him half a second before balling up her fist and decking him. "You two-timing bastard!"

"What? What did I do?" Cloud wailed, rubbing at his jaw with one hand and his ass with the other.

"You just tell Little Miss Flowershop that I'm a very territorial woman, and you're in my home now!"

"Actually, we're in Martha Stewart's home," Cloud muttered as he hauled himself back to standing. "Tifa, you're the one who brought her up. What I was trying to tell you is, it's not Aerith. It's Sephiroth."

Tifa looked stricken. "Oh, Cloud…I know how to stand up to another woman! How the hell can I compete with that?"

Cloud closed his eyes and imagined Aerith popping him out of reality for a little while. Cautiously he opened his eyes – no such luck. "Tifa…"

"No. Don't say it." Tifa held up her hand in a warding gesture. "I've read the slash and the yaoi and the, what do they call it, stop-my-butt-hurts? The internet's full of it. About you. And him. And several other men. Boys. Chocobos. It's okay, I've had my suspicions for some time now."

Cloud scowled at her. "You're right, it is kind of telling that even after months of your psycho-bitchness, I still want to put your feet over my shoulders and pound you into the mattress."

"Don't make fun of me!" Tifa snarled, crouching in a fighting stance. "Come on, pretty boy – bring it!"

"Ahem."

Tifa and Cloud both startled as a crimson apparition ghosted in between them. Then they realized it was just Vincent doing that "spooky" thing and went back into combat mode.

"I think that would be unwise," Vincent murmured. Hidden as they were behind the folds of the cloak, his lips may or may not have actually moved.

Her voice breaking with sorrow, Tifa said, "Vincent, I just found out that Cloud has been cheating on me, with a man."

Vincent's eyes narrowed, and he glared at Cloud. His words, though, were for Tifa: "What did Yuffie tell you?"

"What? Nothing," Tifa answered. "Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing," Cloud and Vincent replied in unison.

"You know how Yuffie is," Vincent muttered.

Tifa glowered at him, the fires of paranoia neatly rekindled. "She's actually a very reliable source. What might she have to tell me, Vincent? You know, I've seen this fan art of you and –"

"Hey, look!" Cloud blurted. "Someone just tried to kill Rufus!" He took the golden opportunity and bolted, leaving Vincent alone in Tifa's wrath.

"You know, I used to be a Turk," Vincent growled. "I should check on that…" Before Tifa could take a swing at him, he engaged his Cloak Warp Drive and flowed across the room via the wainscoting.

Curious herself, and weighing the benefits of killing Cloud and Vincent against the possibility of a fangirl's wet dream come true, Tifa followed them to the scene of the attempted crime.

She did not notice the tall dark figure looking down from the second floor railing.

A/N: It's a real song. And I just discovered that the child singer was actually from right near my hometown. Explains a lot, really…