Act Of Remembrance

Chapter 19

Meanwhile Mike had taken every shortcut he knew in order to get to the church as fast as he could and arrived outside at exactly three forty-five. Parking the car quickly he took the steps two at a time and entered the church doors slightly out of breath and anxious to find Steve. The service seemed to be just over, as the people were standing and the last hymn was being sung. Looking around, he quickly scanned the church to see if he could find his partner but the church was quite full and with people standing it was very difficult. Still standing at the back of the church, he was distracted from his task as a voice softly addressed him from his right side. Looking in the direction of the voice he spotted Officer Sherry Reese beckoning him over to where she was sitting. Dutifully he joined her and as he sat down beside her she whispered.

"Mike! You're late! It's just over! Didn't you get my message to say that it started at three?"

Whispering back Mike replied.

"Well, it's kind of a long story but I only just got your message at three twenty-five today. However it was entirely my fault. I mislaid the message that someone had taken down for me but I appreciate you letting me know. Listen Sherry have you seen Steve?"

"Sure, he got here just before three. He's sitting over there at the ... side. Well that's funny. He was over there throughout the service. I wonder where he went?"

Worry again tore at Mike's heart about Steve's whereabouts.

"How did he seem to you Sherry?"

"He was alright I think ... although he did look pale and of course he seemed a little upset about the service. But Mike, he said it was just a flesh wound that he got. Was he telling the truth?"

"Yes, it was just a flesh wound alright but they only let him out of the hospital today at around twelve."

"Oh my God! No wonder he looked so pale! If I had known that Mike I would have kept a closer eye on him. Honest I would." Sherry said worriedly.

"Now, now. I know you would have. But it's not that, I'm worried about. This service has dragged up Evelyn's death for Steve and he's really cut up about it. He's been off form for days and I never guessed why until I got your message. He's hardly ever spoken about it Sherry and knowing Steve like I do I'm sure he blames himself for what happened to her. I have to find him."

"Mike! What happened to Evelyn wasn't his fault! None of us saw that coming!"

"You know that Sherry and I know that but Steve ... well Steve thinks different to us"

"Oh Mike! What are we going to do?"

Mike thought for a minute and then realized where he would find Steve.

"I think I know where he is! Listen Sherry, I need you to stay here and keep an eye out for him just in case I miss him. If you see him, keep him here until I get back. I don't care how you manage it ok? Handcuff him to you if you have to! " Mike stated animatedly.

"Sure Mike. Ok. Go find him."

"Thanks Sherry."

And with that, Mike left the church and headed for the graveyard. If he were Steve, that's where he would go.

Meanwhile...

By the time that Steve had reached the small gate that led into the graveyard he had managed to pull himself back together. Wiping the tears from his face with his hand and taking deep calming breaths he hesitated for a moment at the gate and then steeled himself for seeing her gravestone. Willing himself to be strong, he finally lifted the latch and made his way to Evelyn's resting place. The grave had been well cared for and there were some new wreaths on the grass in front of the headstone. Again a small picture of Evelyn adorned the top left of the headstone and holding his side carefully Steve hunched down at the graveside and trying to keep his emotions in check he placed a hand on the picture and shakily started to speak.

"Evelyn ... I bet you're surprised to see me. I'm sorry that I haven't come here since the funeral. I wanted to. I even came twice ... at Christmas and your birthday but I ... I couldn't make it past the gate. I'm not sure why. I just couldn't. So I ... lit candles in the church for you instead."

Steve's voice started to break as tears started to fall again and he was so upset and so focussed on his conversation that he hadn't noticed the older man's arrival a little way off or the fact that he hung back and stood watching him carefully and respectfully from a short distance.

"Evelyn honey ... I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. When I think what you went through ... and what he did to you ..."

Steve stopped talking as heart wrenching sobs tore through him and he held his side a little tighter as his whole body shook from his misery. After a few more seconds he wiped away again the fresh tears on his face, took another few shaky deep breaths and continued speaking.

"There's so much I never got to tell you Evelyn ... I ... I loved you. And I'm so sorry I never got the chance to tell you that. I thought by getting Prentiss that I'd feel better you know. But I didn't. Because it didn't bring you back. I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss seeing you ..."

Steve had to stop again for a few more seconds as the upset threatened to choke him. Again fighting to control his wavering voice he spoke again.

"I brought you some yellow roses! Your favourite ... Evelyn, I don't expect you to forgive me but I am so sorry for letting you down. God I am so, so sorry ..."

That was all he could say as he lost control of his emotions one last time and he let his tears fall as he still held her picture with one hand and letting go of his side he started placing the roses in the holders beside the headstone with the other.

Mike saw Steve upset and it tore at his heart. He heard most of what Steve had said and it touched him deeply. He was torn between wanting to rush over and console the young man and wanting to allow him space to grieve and to finally release all the upset that he had bottled up over a whole year. Deciding he had better follow his gut instinct which was to let the young man cry it out, he had held back, all the while watching carefully for signs that Steve needed him and as Steve broke down for the last time and started placing the flowers Mike felt it was the right time to step in.

He decided to give Steve fair warning as he knew Steve well enough to know that he would hate for Mike to see him in an upset state so coming towards the grave he called out.

"There you are buddy boy! I've been looking for you."

Just as Mike had figured Steve was horrified to see Mike approaching and quickly rubbed at his face desperately trying to remove all signs of his tears and yet knowing his efforts were futile and that Mike would see his reddened eyes and see through any pretence easily. So deciding on a plan B Steve settled for not looking directly at his partner but continued to place the roses instead and clearing his throat he spoke to the older man.

"Mike! I didn't think you were coming to the service. What changed your mind?"

"I didn't know it was on Steve ..."

Steve hadn't expected that answer and looked up at Mike questioningly but then quickly remembering his red eyes turned away again quickly.

"What are you talking about? Sherry rang you didn't she?"

"Yes, she rang alright but I wasn't in the office. Bill took a phone message and placed it on my desk. It got buried. I just found it a half an hour ago. I'm sorry Steve! I guess you thought it hadn't mattered to me when I hadn't mentioned it huh? I wish you'd talked to me about Evelyn. Told me how upset you were. I would have understood you know."

By now Mike had arrived behind Steve and Steve felt his presence behind him. As Steve realized that Mike hadn't received Sherry's message and how he'd assumed that Mike hadn't cared he felt foolish and hearing Mike's heartfelt words Steve wasn't sure he could speak again without his voice betraying the heartache he felt. But he decided he owed Mike an apology too for his strange behaviour of late so he tried to explain.

"I'm sorry too Mike ... I should have said something. I wanted to ... I just couldn't find the words ..."

Steve's voice broke again and he dropped the rest of the roses and covered his face with his hand to hide his grief. Stepping forward Mike placed both of his hands on Steve's shoulders and spoke compassionately.

"I know, I know. It's ok buddy boy"

Feeling Steve's shoulders shake as more sobs of despair overtook him again, Mike squeezed his shoulders as a show of support and continued.

"It's alright now. You need to let it out. You've held onto it for far too long. Let it go now Steve. You'll feel better when you do. Believe me I know. You know I was a little mad at you for not telling me what was wrong until I found that message. Then I understood. You see after Helen died I couldn't talk about it either. I didn't discuss it with anyone for oh maybe a year and a half. Except for Jeannie of course. So you see I couldn't be mad at you then because I did exactly the same."

Steve tried his best to stop sobbing but he was finding it difficult to, but after hearing Mike's words about Helen he felt sorry for the older man and casting a quick glance over his shoulder at Mike, it gave him the strength he needed to shakily speak again.

"I'm sorry Mike ... I didn't know that." was all he could think to say.

"I know you didn't Steve. How could you? ... Steve? I didn't know you cared that way for Evelyn. You never mentioned that it was that serious."

Steve realized then that Mike must have heard most of his conversation to Evelyn and embarrassment added to his misery.

" How much did you hear ?" Steve asked almost afraid of Mike's answer.

"Enough" was Mike's vague response and again he squeezed Steve's shoulders sympathetically.

"Oh man!" Steve said feeling mortified that Mike had seen and heard his breakdown and covered his face with his hand again.

"Hey, hey now! Don't be like that. Whatever I heard stays between you and me. Ok?" and hunching down beside him he put a hand on Steve's chin and turned his face towards him. "Look at me now. You don't have to be embarrassed with me for getting upset. We've been together too long for that. We're partners, you and me. What affects you affects me. Ok? Steve! You don't have to deal with everything all by yourself. Please buddy boy. Talk to me. Maybe it would help, huh? What do you say?

Steve had listened to what Mike had said and his words had touched him deeply. And he was right too. As partners Mike had a right to know what was going on with him especially if it affected their work partnership. Not talking to Mike about his angst had almost cost him his life yesterday. What if the next time it was Mike's life that was endangered because he was struggling with something and refusing to talk about it. So he cleared his throat, rubbed at his eyes and looking directly at Mike this time, he spoke.

"Ok, you're right! I should have told you how bad Evelyn's death affected me. I really think she might have been the one Mike. Everyone thought she was just another notch on my bedpost."

"Steve, I'm sure nobody thought that!"

"It's ok Mike. I know that's what they were saying! But it wasn't like that Mike. Evelyn was different. She was special. You know I've lost people in my life before, my parents, my grandfather, even some friends and it hurts you know. But since Evelyn died its felt like I've been walking around with a knife permanently stuck in my heart. You know what I mean?"

Mike listened eagerly glad that Steve was finally opening up to him. He never realized it had been that serious between Steve and Evelyn.

"Yes I know exactly what you mean Steve."

"Did ... Did you feel like that when Helen ... Well you know when she died?" Steve asked tentatively

"Oh yes. That's what we call heartbreak buddy boy. It gets easier with time Steve. You never forget but you learn to live with the pain of missing them."

"Mike. I should have brought her home that night. I should have made sure she was safe. I ... I let her down Mike ..." Steve said as another tear trailed down his cheek.

Grabbing the back of Steve's neck gently, Mike spoke forcefully.

"Now you listen to me buddy boy! You were NOT responsible for Evelyn's death! You seem to be forgetting something very important. You wanted to go home with her that night. Don't you remember? In the supermarket car park you said that you were looking forward to her cooking you a home cooked meal from all the goodies she bought. It was me who made you come down to the station to type up the report! If you want to blame someone. BLAME ME! If I had let you take her home she might have been ok OR I might have lost you too! We can't second guess every decision we make in this job. If we did why we'd end up crazy! Steve, Evelyn wouldn't want you to be feeling upset and guilty for the rest of your life. She wouldn't want to see you like this. She cared about you too Steve! She'd want you to move on with your life. You'll never forget her but you have to move on. I know you don't believe in God the way I do and that's ok but I do believe that our loved ones that are gone have a way of showing us that ... well that they're ok with us meeting someone else."

Mike finished furtively and studied Steve's reaction to what he had said. Steve had listened carefully but seemed to have trouble with his last statement.

"Mike! Come on! How can you possibly know that? Now you're just saying things to try to make me feel better."

"No ... no I'm not. Look I'm going to tell you something that I have never told anyone else. Not even Jeannie. But I think you need to hear it."

Steve was intrigued. Turning more to face Mike he stopped worrying about his reddened eyes and looked Mike straight in the eye.

"Go on."

"Well, Helen hated broccoli. I mean she hated it with a passion! Her mother used to cook it all the time for her when she was a kid. She told her it would put colour in her cheeks and she used to always say "who wants green cheeks?"

Mike laughed as he said that line and Steve smiled at it too in spite of himself. He noticed Mike's face light up as he often did when he talked about Helen and figured they must have really loved each other. Mike seemed lost thinking about Helen for a few seconds but then he continued his story.

"Well, it became a private joke between us. When she'd ask me to go to the store to pick up some groceries I'd ask her if she wanted broccoli. Things like that? Just joking you know. After she died ... well I felt like you do now. It took me a long time to feel ok again and eventually it became lonely. When Jeannie went off to college and I was in that empty house by myself well it was hard buddy boy."

Steve felt sorry for his partner and placed a hand on his arm to show that he understood.

"Then about three years later I was in the canteen one day ..."

Mike saw Steve eyeing him suspiciously when he made that statement and chuckled.

"I know you'll find it hard to believe but I did actually use the canteen once upon a time. Anyway this particular day I was in the queue and I heard some woman behind me complaining about broccoli. Apparently she hated the stuff! Couldn't stand it! And it was almost as if I heard Helen's voice telling me to talk to her. So I did."

At this stage Steve was looking sceptically at Mike.

"Come on Mike. You made that up didn't you? "

Mike's face remained serious. "No Steve. That's how I met Irene. You can ask her if you don't believe me."

"You're serious aren't you? But Mike, that could have been a coincidence. How can you be sure that was Helen giving you her blessing?"

"I just knew buddy boy. I can't really explain it. I just knew. Wait and see. Evelyn will give you a sign too. Mark my words! And I'll tell you something else too!"

"What?"

"Men my age were not supposed to sit hunched down like this for very long. I think I'm going to need your help getting up!"

Both men laughed and getting up gingerly himself Steve helped pull Mike up too. When he had righted Mike, Steve swayed a little as a wave of dizziness washed over him. Mike grabbed Steve's arm and steadied him.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just a bit light-headed today. Guess I just got up too fast! I'm ok."

"Well you're just out of the hospital. You should be taking it easy."

Then seeing Steve rubbing at his side he inquired again.

"Hows your side?"

"It's sore. I think sitting hunched like that didn't do me much good either."

As Mike stretched his legs carefully to remove the pins and needles that had manifested in them and with Steve holding his side and wincing Mike began to laugh again. Looking curiously at Mike, Steve couldn't help but laugh too at Mike's infectious laughter, and asked through his chuckles.

"What? What are we laughing at?"

"Look at us! Two deadheads just dragging along huh?"

The two men laughed again and then gradually the laughter faded and then carefully stooping and picking up the roses he had left Steve noticed that the vases were already full and addressed Mike again.

"I think I bought too many roses. The yellow ones were her favourite you know? Say, maybe you could put these on Helen's grave seeing as we're here and all?" Steve said handing the roses to Mike. Then he touched Evelyn's picture one more time as if he was saying goodbye.

Mike took the roses and was deeply touched by the young man's offer.

"Thanks buddy boy. I think that's a great idea!"

Then seeing a bench a little way off Steve continued.

"Look there's a bench just over there. I think I'll go and sit down and wait for you over there. Ok?"

As Steve turned to go Mike gently grabbed his arm.

"Why?"

"Well, I thought you might prefer to visit her grave in private ... you know?"

Throwing his arm around Steve's shoulder he chided.

"Steve! Haven't you heard a word that I've said to you? Sometimes we have to do things on our own but sometimes it's nice to have some company too. Would you mind coming with me? I'd appreciate it."

"Sure. I'd be honoured."

And with that Steve smiled at his partner and the two men walked in companionable silence down along the path to the graveside of Helen Stone.