Strong language in this chapter

Vic puts her hands in my back pockets and stands on her tip-toes to meet me half way as I lean down to kiss her wanting lips. I take my hat off and press it to the small of her back as our kiss grows longer and deeper. I wonder how long she has dreamed of this just as I have. My thoughts take a left turn when the singe of jealousy creeps back because I wonder if she kissed Ted like this. Vic pulls back and looks up at me, "What?"

I smile, a little faint, and figure my odds of expulsion if I tell the truth.

"Walt, what?"

"So, I was just thinking…..ah…you know…ah …you and Ted. Am I bustin' up your 3 day weekend? I mean he's not gonna come stormin' out of your bedroom…ah..or anything?" I laugh a little at the last little bit.

"You're so stupid sometimes."

"Stupid?"

"Yeah, and I can't believe you are jealous Walt Longmire."

I'm uncomfortable because I know whatever road she is about to take me down right now at the end I will be a fool. Vic walks over to her couch and motions for me to close the front door to which I hesitantly comply. I make my way over to the living room and have a dilemma. Do I sit on the couch beside her or do I sit in the lazy boy? I don't know what to do and my stomach tightens at my nervousness so I elect to stand.

"Walt, please, sit."

I don't move and think if I'm supposed to be this nervous, this turned on, this freaked out by staring at Vic in her underwear. I put my hat down and at her urging take off my coat and lay both down on the lazy boy taking the seat beside her on the couch.

"Why am I so stupid?" I ask patting my hair down a bit.

"Because I'm not fucking Ted. I'm not fucking anybody for that matter and it's not like I haven't had my chances if you must know."

I look down at my worn ropers and think I will need a new pair come Christmas. I realize my thoughts are a diversion to avoid how I really feel about all of this.

"Listen, you don't owe me any explanations. I mean it's not like we are married or even dating. You know. I mean you are single and you can do what you like."

"Ok, now, I don't know what to think when you do this shit, Walt. I mean are you being sarcastic or sincere? Kissing you is nice", she face flushed just a bit, "It's better than I imagined but I don't know what you want from me?"

She calls me on the carpet.

"I don't know."

"You don't know what? You don't know that I'm single? You don't know that I'm not sleeping with anyone?"

"Well, I know you wanted a nice 3 day weekend and then I saw you with Ted at the Red Pony and judging by what you were wearing I assumed he was your 3 day weekend. But then I found myself parked in front of your house."

Vic is most definitely pissed and most definitely at me.

"I think maybe I should go."

"It's official. You are stupid."

I lean forward and hold my hands between my knees. Henry's voice is loud in my head calling me out for being a coward and now in front of Vic with her basically saying the same thing I just don't feel so good right now. I mean I must be living some other guys' life because mine is completely unrecognizable.

"I don't know what everyone wants from me?" I can feel the anger swirl with the embarrassment I feel and I look up into Vic's eyes searching for an answer.

"Well, dumbass, I can't speak for everyone else but I want the truth. I'm actually tired of walking on egg shells around you not knowing what you think or what you want. I've sat in this very spot on more nights than I can remember wondering if I imagined what I felt with you when you were on that fuckin' mountain chasing Wayne or saving our asses at Chance's." Vic wiped a tear from her eye, "Or what I felt in your arms at the hospital. I know I didn't imagine it Walt but I will be damned if I will spend any more time in my life with a weak ass man and I never thought you were that but maybe I am wrong."

"I'm not weak."

I look up at her assuring that her eyes meet mine, "I needed to be ready. I needed to give myself permission to live again and reconcile my past with Martha. How could I expect to be a man for you if I wasn't ready, Vic? My hope is that it wouldn't take too long for me to catch up and lose you to a 3 day weekend with Ted. I'm thinkin' that's the reason I ended up at your house. Hoping I'm not too late."

I felt like throwing up right there on her couch.