Chapter II - It's time to face reality

When he regained conscience, he was on one of the sofas in the same room. He thought at first that he was alone, but when he lifted his head a bit he spotted the others. Uhura sat next to Scotty, her eyes red and her head resting on his shoulder, he was gently stroking her head and had a blank expression; Sulu hugged Chekov tightly against his chest and his head was resting on top of Chekov's, hiding tearful eyes among the other's hair; Sarek sat rigid in a chair, maintaining his Vulcan austerity, but his eyes constantly shifted to the window, where Amanda was sitting on the railing, leaning against the glass and crying silently. Kirk was embarrassed by how he reacted so uncharacteristic. He didn't want to think about what Sarek had said, but he needed to face the facts. He was beginning to sit when the ambassador signaled for him not to rise.

"Admiral, I recognize that the recent news are not the expected, but it is necessary to determine what will be done now. Dr. McCoy's body was placed in a stasis chamber and is ready to be moved back to Earth if that is your desire, all that Vulcan science could do for him was already done. And Spock's situation, as far as we can foresee, is permanent. Without a katra his body is unable to acquire knowledge or form memories, it will remain that way until the end of his natural life. While I am willing to offer all of you my hospitality for the time you wish to remain on the planet, there is nothing you can do. The responsibility of caring for Spock falls on me and Amanda and we are perfectly able of doing it alone.

Kirk couldn't believe what he was hearing. His reasoning was still stuck in the same inescapable cycle, always returning to the thought that this could not be happening. He was too used to the idea that all would end well, that every lost hope was nothing more than an indication that another solution had to be found. But not this time. There was no new miracle cure to rescue him of the terror of reality. He would have to live with what little was left.

"Ambassador, if you don't object, I would like to stay here with Spock." the weakness of his own voice startled him, the request was timid, devoid of the natural audacity that was so characteristic of him.

Sarek's face softened almost imperceptibly, as he reflected for long moments before responding. A few days have passed since he had last been in the Admiral's mind, and even though that mind meld was nothing more than a brief and superficial search, it was enough for him to realize the truth of these words. This statement wasn't driven by some form of misguided sense of duty, but by a strong loyalty arising from a deep love. In some ways, he envied humanity, which was free to love and act in this love. He could never reveal the affection he had for his wife and son and regretted having limited Spock to Vulcan philosophy, drowning out all traces of humanity in him. For years he hoped that Kirk's involvement could repair this damage, but it was now too late.

"Admiral, I believe I may not have been clear enough. There is nothing that can be done for Spock, for all purposes he perished in the Enterprise. The individual who returned from the Genesis planet is nothing like the Spock you knew, and nothing will recover his original identity. He will always be dependent of care for the most basic tasks and will not even come to recognize who dispense him with such care. Your loyalty to my son is admirable but unnecessary."

Kirk didn't know how to express how important it was for him to stay with Spock, how much he needed it. How to make a Vulcan understand an emotional and irrational need such as this?

"You were in my mind, ambassador. You know what Spock means to me. I would have so easily sacrificed myself for him and he did for me. But for someone to die for another is nothing compared to live for that person. I am willing to give every day that is left of my life to Spock, as I know that he would be willing to give every day of his life for me. Please let me help. If not for your child, at least as a favor to me."

Sarek quickly dismissed all the arguments that came to mind, anticipating the Admiral's responses. Kirk was an extraordinary human being, a unique individual. Of all the people who his son chose to associate himself, he was the one who Sarek most admired. He knew that their relationship went beyond a deep friendship, despite not having probed the Admiral's memories in search of the details he sought unconsciously hide. A merging of minds should never be taken lightly and seek to take more than the person intended to provide was one of the worst violations in Vulcan society. Still, every mention of Spock in Kirk's mind involved looks, caresses and touches that would be considered inappropriate even between spouses in Vulcan. For every moment of greatest intimacy that was concealed, there was a corresponding open display of affection.

"If your desire is sincere, as I have ample reason to believe it is, you will be welcome in my home for as long as you desire. However, always keep in your mind that you will be free to leave at any time. Spock would not blame you for wanting to return to your life."

"With all due respect, Ambassador, I have no life to return to. There is nothing for me on Earth, or even in Starfleet. After all that I did I could only return to Earth as a criminal. And although I don't regret anything I've done, and am sure that given the opportunity I would act the same way, the prospect of spending the rest of my days caring for Spock is much more tempting than the idea of rotting in a penal colony."

"But perhaps the same can not be said of your team. All of you are free to leave whenever you want and stay for as long as you deem appropriate. We will now leave you alone to discuss what do you want to do." With these words he stood up to leave, passing before by the window and whispering a barely audible "beloved" to his wife as an indication that she should follow.