Chapter IV - Everything is lost

Two weeks had passed since they arrived at Vulcan, and a routine had been established. Scotty refused any help in repair the ship, claiming that he would make a better job alone; Uhura had decided to help with the translation of historical documents Modern Golic Vulcan and standard, impressing the team responsible by the project with her efficiency and her vast knowledge; Sulu and Chekov decided to do an expedition to The Forge, ignoring their friends' jokes that hinted that the two would end up lost and would die in the desert before admitting it and calling for help; Sarek returned to his diplomatic functions, although he still avoided commitments that would take him off the planet for more than a few days, and Amanda showed herself as an attentive mother who dedicated every minute of her day to her son, without seeming affected by the lack of response from him.

E Kirk... Kirk lived in function of Spock thus as Amanda, but in a different way. Maybe because she had accepted that he would never again be what he was, while Kirk couldn't avoid searching for any sign that there was still something of Spock in that body. At every moment he probed the empty expression in search of any indication of recognition, and always made sure of informing Spock what they would do. His rationalization was simple: even if Spock wouldn't cooperate, not even to tasks like eating, he wouldn't like to be dragged from one side to another as if he were an object, and perhaps to know what would happen would reassure him. After a few times, the others stopped pointing out that that made no difference, since Spock wasn't able to understand what was said. It was difficult to know what was more charitable, to destroy his false hopes or to allow him the comfort of this perhaps innocuous illusion.

Perhaps the hardest part of the routine was the morning rituals. By tacit agreement, Kirk assumed completely this task, knowing it was too much painful for the already elderly Amanda. The first difficulty was wake the Vulcan, who didn't answer when called and that none of humans had enough strength to shake in a significant way. Rising him too was not easy, but Kirk liked to think that something of Vulcan force started to work in his favor since he began to say "Now, let's get up and go to the bathroom. We need to take off this clothes and take a sonic shower. ", before attempting to force him out of bed. The second difficulty was excretion. It was necessary almost a week of schedules of fluid intake and feeding so that they could regulate his organism so as to predict his needs with an accuracy of minutes. Yet twice in the last week Kirk had found Spock soaked in own urine minutes before the time at which he should take him to the bathroom, and more than once he had to accompany him for more than twenty minutes and even massage his belly when his body refused to collaborate. Removing his clothes was simple, after they passed to dress him only with robes that required no working or collaboration to dressing or removal, and the hardest part of giving him a sonic shower was to make him enter the cubicle. Dressing him was a little more complicated, because he needed select clothes perfectly suitable for the climate and accommodate them so that they were comfortable. The first meal of the day always was the more difficult, although nobody had any idea of way this happened. Kirk had dominated the technique of kindly forcing his lips with a glass so that he would begin drinking, and Amanda concentrated on balancing his diet so that they could keep feeding him healthily.

Caring for Spock was a hard work and without no significant reward. Sarek was right to say that he wouldn't acknowledge presence of other people around him, much less recognize the work they had in caring for him. Still, Amanda acted with the unconditional love of a mother, and Kirk was moved by a love so strong that seemed taken out of legends. Nothing seemed able to shake his will in caring for Spock, not even the catatonic state in which he stood. However, even against everyone's advice, he kept feeding his hopes.

"Spock was following a ch'kariya with his eyes today. We were on the porch and he followed the pet all the time, until it run out of the garden." Kirk told Amanda excited in one afternoon, as he helped with the dishes.

She gave him a weak smile and simply commented: "I thought I had gotten rid of them all, these little critters adore ruining my garden, and they eat enough to destroy the work of months in just few days." She didn't tell him what she really thought: that it was just an involuntary eye movement, that it meant nothing, that he was reading too much on something without importance and allowing illusions. No, she didn't find in her heart the ability to destroy the little that he found to be able handle the situation.

For how long he could remain this way? For how long he would still maintain hopes and would still see each small sign as an indicative that maybe a recovery was possible? Months? Years? Would he be able to drag the illusion until the end of his life? And if that didn't happen? Would he be able to continue when his false hopes were completely razed and he had to face the cold reality?

Maybe this was his biggest problem. James Tiberius Kirk never had faced the reality. Or at least he never had to do it the same way as other people have to. Even if he tried to convince himself that this time there would be no new miracle, it was for him impossible to think that way. After all, had he not managed to bring Spock back even when he had his brains stolen? Or when his mind was emptied by Stavos Keniclius? The idea departing on an expedition to seek the help of Spock 2 began to form itself in the Admiral's mind, but he didn't know how he could do this. Even if he could use the Klingon ship, outside Vulcan Sarek's influence couldn't help them, and to return to Phylos wouldn't be a simple task. Still, the idea implanted itself in depths of his mind, as one more source of power to his hopes. After all, he didn't believe in no wind scenarios. Spock would be displeased in seeing his mind taken by irrational and contradictory thoughts, but either way, Spock wasn't in condition to be judging at the moment so he suppressed all the guilt he felt for being divided between one rational acceptance that this was his future and the absolute faith that he had that some miraculous possibility would appear to save Spock of this terrible destiny.

Ch'kariya is a small Vulcan mammal, similar to a weasel, but with pale skin and short hair. 15 years before this story, Amanda suspected that her garden was being destroyed by them and set traps to capture them.