Chapter XI – I need to know you are there

"Sarek! Amanda!" Kirk yelled, grabbing Spock by his shoulders; he felt as if his chest was about to explode from excitement, he needed witnesses; he needed to know he hadn't lost his sanity.

Amanda arrived first, with the worry of a human mother, but soon Sarek arrived with long steps, his Vulcan dignity preventing him from running.

"He said my name, he called me by my name," Kirk said, with tears in his eyes and his voice weak and floating with happiness.

Sarek looked at Spock with suspicion, then to Kirk with pity in his eyes. Seeing that Sarek didn't believe him, he started to gently shake Spock. "Spock, tell them, tell them who I am, say my name…" His voice was weakening, and soon he was crying in despair. Amanda knelt next to him, taking him in her arms and crying alongside with him when noticing the emotionless face of her son.

"Admiral, I believe I was clear when I said that without his katra Spock is empty, unable to think or form memories."

"Spock said my name, Spock knows who I am, Spock wouldn't forget me." Kirk said, repeating the name like a mantra, like a prayer.

He couldn't afford to believe that it was all his imagination. He needed it, needed it to be true, needed Spock to know who he was. Otherwise... what would it mean? That he was losing his mind? That their hopes were really in vain? That his friends were right and that staying in there was harmful to him? No, one more miracle, he needed one more miracle.

What was he doing with his life? That wasn't Spock, not really. He needed to accept that Spock was dead and wouldn't return, but it was so hard when he was there in front of him. If Spock had actually said his name, what would that mean? That he was recovering? That he might one day return to being who he was? So many things went through his mind at that moment that he couldn't even feel ashamed for crying and being hugged in front of the ambassador, who probably considered it a terrible demonstration of human weakness in controlling emotions.

"If you'll excuse me, Admiral, have many important commitments to which I shall return. In the future it would be prudent to remind my guidance on the state of Spock. If you are not able to cope with his condition, it might be prudent to leave with your colleagues back to Earth. Be sure I will intercede for all of you before the council." with these words, Sarek turned to leave.

Kirk couldn't understand how he was able to appear so cold. Years living with Spock taught him that the Vulcans aren't immune to emotions as they claim to be, they just have more control over them and are able to suppress them better. Therefore, he couldn't help but imagine if for a moment Sarek also had hope.

He pushed Amanda gently away. He had already made too much of a scene and needed to get more soup for Spock. Before he got up, he picked up the light blanket he dropped when shaking Spock and straightened it again on his shoulders. It was so hard to take care of someone who didn't complain of hunger or cold! How should he know what he needed? Taken momentarily by an instinct, he gently hugged Spock, who remained with the body stiff and didn't show in any way to have realized what was happening. Again Kirk felt that strange itching deep in his brain, a little stronger, perhaps, and more painful.

"I love you, Spock, and even if you never recover I shall always be yours." he whispered only for his ears before getting up.

He collected the bowl that had fallen in the yard and was leaving the balcony when he heard Spock's voice again.

"Thank you, Jim." he said still looking at the horizon and without showing any sign of acknowledging the presence of anyone.

This time, he threw the bowl and didn't even bother with the noise of it breaking. He threw himself on the floor, kneeling beside Spock on the porch. Amanda, who was still sitting by his side, now held him between her arms crying freely. She had also heard it, it was a relief. He wasn't imagining it.

Even Sarek, who was still close enough to hear what was said, returned. Rather than embracing his child as Amanda was doing, he stepped down from the balcony so that his hands were in the same height as Spock's head.

"Admiral, wife, although I understand that your emotional reactions are products of human nature and education, at this time it would be more advisable to do something that would be useful for Spock."

When they walked away with a little hesitation, he raised his right hand to Spock's melding points and closed his eyes. There was something that resembled concern in his expression. The meld was brief, and when he pulled away, he looked up at Kirk with a raised eyebrow.

"Fascinating." he said just before leaving without explanation.

Kirk couldn't help but smile at the word so familiar spoken by the lips of another Vulcan. Father and son had more similarities than they allowed themselves believe. Now that they were free again, Kirk and Amanda returned to near Spock, sometimes hugging, sometimes filling him with questions he didn't seem willing to answer. Nothing had changed in his attitude outside the few words said, and that seemed to be directed at anyone. They didn't know what was going on, but for the first time in a long time none of the humans felt that their hopes were in vain, and both felt rewarded for their efforts.

Kirk didn't even try to avoid the satisfaction of knowing that Spock had just said his name. Of all the people from his past, he recognized only his bond mate. And the fact that Spock knew who he was before even demonstrating to realize what was happening around him or what his own identity was made Kirk realize even more the depth of a love which he hadn't doubted for a very long time.