I drink my beer first because I am nervous and get up to get another one. I sit back down and begin to eat.
"Walt, this is so good."
"Thank you, ma'am" I say with a half-smile.
"So, why are you really here?"
"Ah, well you know, about this morning. I don't have an explanation for you Vic. It just felt right but I don't want things to be off with us and I don't want you to be upset with me. So, I guess I'm here because we sorta need to I guess talk about it."
"You wanna talk about something? Do tell."
We smile at each other across the table.
"I just like you being here, ok. We don't have to do an Oprah show."
"ok."
We finish dinner and I clear the table. Vic starts the soapy water.
"I got it. Go watch your game."
"Nope. You cook. I clean. House rules."
I grab another beer out of the fridge and feel a distinctive sting on my butt when I bend over I turn to see Vic snapping the kitchen towel back toward her with a big grin.
"You're gonna pay for that." My finger waving aimlessly in the air.
"Let me help."
"Ok, you wash and I will dry since you don't know where anything goes."
I stand next to Vic, towering over her really, and look down over her shoulders. My hands submerge into the hot soapy water, my sleeves are rolled up, and my arm brushes against her as my hand finds hers under the water. It's quiet in the kitchen; the sound of the game is drowned out by the volume of my heartbeat in my ears. My head is dizzy and I don't know if it's from drinking 3 beers or the effects of holding Victoria Moretti's hand.
"Hey we are never going to finish if we just stand here holding hands." She doesn't look at me when she says it.
I release my hand and start to wash as Vic dries and puts away. When we finish she grabs a beer out of the fridge and offers me one but I decline.
"Come sit, watch the game with me."
I don't know what to make of the whole thing and for a brief moment I wonder if the electricity I feel is one sided but for the life of me I can't figure out how that can be. Vic resumes her position on the couch and I sit next to her. It's the bottom of the sixth with two outs. Burnett gets the third strike and Vic jumps off the couch. Yup, she sings take me out to the ballpark with the other 30 thousand fans. She is crazy.
"How did you know I would come by"
"Really, Walt? After kissing me out of the blue with no explanation, no follow through. I knew you would be by but I just didn't know when."
"Hence the Rainer"
"Hence the Rainer. I am a cop, a good cop after all and if I can't predict suspect behavior with any semblance of accuracy I would be out of a career, mister."
"Suspect or suspect"
"Both"
She sits down next to me not leaving any space between us and my arm takes a mind of its own and lands gently around her shoulders. She slides her feet underneath and intertwines her fingers in mine. I think this is our conversation, our getting it all out but I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that it's nice and I like it but I am also pretty sure she can hear my heart about to explode out of my chest.
We stay that way until the middle of the 9th as the Phillies try to hold their one run lead. Vic turns off the t.v. and turns towards me.
"I never want you to think baseball is more important than you."
"Turn the tv back on, silly."
"No, I'm serious." She kisses my lips before I can offer another protest and I forget about the Phillies or baseball or anything in the universe except for her precious lips on mine and her tongue searching for mine.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time but I figure I would be an old maid before you ever kissed me."
"What, I kissed you this afternoon."
"That wasn't a kiss, Walt."
Well, she has a point and I am in no position to argue. About anything.
"Ah Vic this is very bad timing but uh I can't help but think about something you said, well a few times, that you and Sean wouldn't deal with things you would just have sex and it would go away. Now, I know I'm not him, and God knows how much I want you but we can't let things just go away. Ahm…it's us…we …uhm..it's different with us."
"Funny, I didn't see you turn on the cold water. Is Oprah outside parking the car?"
She moves and creates a little distance between us but not much so I am still on safe ground.
"Here it is Walt. This is me. This is the safety zone I have created since nearly being executed and my husband divorcing me. Oh and coming to the realization that I have a fucked up crazy weird sexual thing for my boss who is also my best friend and who is also the most emotionally repressed individual on planet earth which leaves me super fucked. Is that what you want to talk about."
"Yup"
"Really?"
"Yup, because I can't figure out why the pull toward a foul mouthed tomboy from Philly but it's there. I feel it in my body, in my mind, in my soul. I think of you before I close my eyes to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. It feels like you are a part of me. I want to protect you and keep you safe. I want to touch you and know you are there. How do I tell you that I could not face the prospect of you dying because I know what that pain is and I can't or really I won't survive it again. I want you to know that I am sorry about you and Sean. I really am but selfishly I am glad you stayed because I want you here with me and so…um…you know…this isn't me…I don't talk like this but Vic I don't want to lose you. Oh and Oprah is outside parking the car she took the driveway space I left for her."