SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED FOR A WHILE – HAVE BEEN AWAY AND GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH MY GIRL.

Derek had tears running down his face as he closed the book.

"You... you didnt want to live." he choked out. "You said... you wrote... goodbye."

Meredith sat looking over at him. She couldn't deny that that was her intentions.

"When... what... i dont understand."

Meredith moved to stand beside him. "When i refused to eat and refused my medication." she explained. "I knew i was killing myself ... i wanted to die... i couldnt see a reason to live."

Meredith moved to stand between his legs. She ran a hand through his hair.

Derek pulled her close and he rested his head on her stomach. He cried into her shirt, his body wracked with the hurt and pain of her goodbye.

"I'm not that girl anymore Der. I was a girl in pain who couldn't see what i hd or how i was hurting the people that loved me. They didt let me go Der. They fought for me and taught me how to fight."



"You're fighting?"

"More now than ever. I have so much more to fight for. Der. I have you."

Derek and Meredith remained in their embrace for a long time. Eventually his sobs died down and the comfort of each other overwhelmed them.

"I take it this is why Bailey said she stodded reading your journals for a while?" Derek asked quietly.

"I was depressed... i wanted to die... but dad... Alex... and Mark... they showed me that there was so much to live for." she struggled through. Her hands ran up and down Derek's back.

"If they hadn't i wouldn't be engaged to you or carrying our beautiful baby." Her hands ran through his hair. "and there's no better way to be."

Derek looked at her confused.

"I love you Der, and i love that i am engaged to you and that i am carrying your baby. My past is my past, and yes i am insecure but i am learning babe. I am opening up."

"You're opening up." he repeated.

"To you and only you." she bent down and kissed the top of his head.



Derek pulled Meredith onto his lap.

She snuggled into him before kissing him softly yet passionately.

"can we got to an on-call room?" derek asked.

Meredith nodded. "sure"

Meredith stood and helped Derek up.

"be careful in that on-call room. That's where your brother was concieved." Ellis croaked.

"Mark?" Meredith asked.

"No Richard." she said as sje began to move to sit up. "Richard Elliot Webber." she said quietly.

"Wait, what?"

"When i left i didnt know. I didnt know i was pregnant. I found out 3 months later."

"Ellis?" Derek asked shocked.

"He's at a boarding school in New York. He... he..."

Meredith looked at her in shock.


"Does dad know?"

"Not yet, but i'm going to tell him. Richie knows about the family i had before. he knows the truth about everything." Ellis finished.

"Oh god, i have a brother."

"We're leaving. We can finish this in the morning." Derek cut in. "Today's been too much. Her heart can't take all the emotional stress. I don't want another panic attack."

Meredith was looking at her hands, not knowing what to say.

"Meredith, everything is going to be ok. In time it will be ok." Ellis reassured her.

Meredith didn't say or do anything. She just let Derek guide her from the room.