(A/N): This was a fun chapter to write :) By the way, to clear up any confusion later on, a vow of celibacy isn't just about not getting married or having sex, but it includes not masturbating or having 'lustful thoughts' or something. It doesn't sound like it makes much sense now, but it will later on. Anyway, enjoy the chapter and thank you for reading and reviewing!
Eventually, we chose an old, run down bar with flickering neon lights that threatened to die and leave the bar's name unknown. Inside, the air was musty and thick. The paint on the walls was beginning to peel, and the corners looked like they had traces of damp. A few people were playing at a pool table, but the bar was otherwise empty.
"It's not the best," Takigawa was saying as he sat down on one of the bar stools, "but I know the owner, and he normally lowers the price for me."
I sat on the next bar stool. It was quite tall, and my feet couldn't touch the ground.
"Do you come here often?" I had my ID at the ready, as I was often challenged about my age in situations like these.
"Well, I'm not exactly a regular, but I come here every now and then."
At that moment, a hunched man walked over to us from behind the counter. His clothes were stained and torn at the hems.
Looking at Takigawa, he nodded in greeting. "Takigawa-san." His voice was rough and strained.
"Hamamoto-san." Takigawa greeted him back. "How's business tonight?"
"Fine. Pretty quiet." Hamamoto noticed me, and gave me a long, searching look. After a minute or so, he spoke up.
"ID." Already prepared for this, I showed him my ID immediately. He took it from my hands, and squinted at it.
"…Ok." Satisfied, he passed it back to me. "Who's this, then?" He asked Takigawa.
"This is my friend and co-worker, John Brown."
"You a foreigner, huh? Where from?"
"Australia."
Hamamoto grinned. "For someone who lives in that oven of a country, you're not very tanned."
I shrugged. "It runs in the family."
"Well," Hamamoto grabbed two glasses from a shelf, "What can I get for you tonight? I'm willing to give you and your European friend 20% off."
Takigawa and I shared a quick glance of bemusement at 'European', but we did not comment on it. "Um, I'll have a beer. What do you want?" Takigawa turned to me.
"I'll have the same as you."
"Ok then. Two beers."
As Hamamoto shuffled away to fill the glasses, Takigawa looked at me and whispered, "European?"
I laughed. "That is the first time I've heard someone say Australia is in Europe."
Hamamoto returned with two beers, in tall glasses that looked hastily washed. He placed them down in front of us.
"Enjoy." With that, he walked away.
"Well." Takigawa picked up his glass and took a long gulp. When he finished, he said, "Today's been a crap day, hasn't it?"
"You could say that." I agreed.
"Just as we got closer…" He examined the contents of his glass. "…it feels like we've been pushed back a step." Sighing, he took another drink.
I took a small sip from my glass as he continued. "And I'm pretty sure Naru-kun is still pissed at me."
"Don't worry about it. He doesn't hold grudges for long." I reassured him.
"Yeah…well, he does spend most of his time berating Mai-kun, so… by the way, do you know if there's anything…going on between those two?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Mai-kun's had a crush on Naru-kun for a while now, that's blatantly obvious…and I know that he didn't exactly embrace her affections…but has that changed?"
"Not that I was aware of. Why, do you think it has?"
"No, but I just feel…it's got to be pretty lonely for Mai-kun, hasn't it?"
I nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Do you think she'll ever…fall for someone else? I know she gets on pretty well with Yasuhara-kun."
"Well, since this is Mai-kun we're talking about, she is going to be very determined. But who knows, maybe she'll give up. It's not likely."
"Definitely." Mai was most certainly one not to give up easily."
"Actually, talking of Yasuhara-kun…what's his background like?"
"Uhh…I'm not really sure…" Now that I thought about it, I didn't know much about him.
"I mean, I know the kid's smart and he's bound to go to some fancy university, but what's his background like? His family?"
"Well, he went to that strict school, didn't he? What was it…Rokoryo high school? Maybe his parents are…academically focused…?"
"I get what you mean. If they sent their kid to a school like that, I wouldn't be surprised if they're pretty strict themselves. Then again…remember when we did the investigation at Rokoryo high school?"
"Mm, Yasuhara-kun stayed behind quite late to help, didn't he?"
"Yeah, and we never got a word of complaint from his parents. And when he was at hospital, I spoke to his grandmother, but I don't remember really seeing his parents."
"He doesn't mention them much, does he?"
"No…do you think, they're those kind of parents who are really strict, but otherwise completely uninterested in their children? All achievement-focused?"
"Maybe. It's hard to say." As Takigawa took another drink from his glass, I went on. "We don't know much about his personal life. Or really anyone else at SPR."
"You've got that right. Ayako-kun, for example. She went the entire time without any of us knowing her parents owned a hospital, or her…tree powers…"
"What do you think she does? As a job? Other than being a priestess." I wondered.
"That's anyone's guess, really. She buys expensive things, though. After that case at the hotel, I went shopping with her and Mai-kun after our clothes got trashed, and she was buying some pretty expensive stuff. I know she comes from a wealthy background, so maybe her parents support her…And what about this friend she mentioned?"
"Hm?"
"You know, she said she could stay at a 'friend's' house. I wonder who she was talking about."
"Well, she seemed confident that she could persuade them to heighten their security, so they must be good friends."
"And then there's Masako-kun. She's pretty mysterious, isn't she?" Takigawa remarked.
"Yeah. Doesn't she find it stressful, being on TV? Especially on the subject of the paranormal."
"How so?"
"People are very critical of mediums who go on TV. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets a lot of criticism."
"And she's only 16 as well, she should really be at school." Takigawa looked at me.
"You know, there's something I've just noticed." He began.
"Yeah?"
"We don't know how old Lin-san is."
Now that he mentioned it, I realised this was true. "Huh. I guess we don't. Well, I'd say that he's, what, in his twenties?"
"He's a pretty experienced spiritualist, though, isn't he?"
"Well, maybe he's just very good at what he does."
"I guess…There's not a lot we know about him, is there?"
"Maybe he just doesn't like sharing personal information." I speculated. Takigawa said nothing further, and his suspicion confused me slightly. However, I did not pursue the matter further, and moved onto a different subject instead.
As we talked, it got later and later, a lot quicker than I expected. What's more, Takigawa had finished his fifth glass of beer, while I was only just finishing my second.
"Hey." He called over to Hamamoto. "Can I have something stronger? Like, a vodka or something?"
Hamamoto passed over a bottle and a shot glass, which Takigawa filled with vodka and proceeded to drink.
"Ugh. That's strong." He looked at the glass with disgust. "You know, the drummer in my band can drink a dozen of these without batting an eye."
"Really?"
"Yeah, like it's water or something."
"What're your band members like?" I asked, curious.
"Well, I don't like the singer much, and the drummer just drinks all the time, but I guess the others are ok. Sometimes, it's a bit depressing, you know…just playing in a studio…"
"Do you prefer live concerts?"
"Oh, yeah. Definitely."
"You're quite popular, you know. I think Leiko-kun likes you, I didn't realise she meant you when she kept on talking about 'Norio'."
"Really?" Takigawa hid his interest. "…Did she say anything?"
"Yeah, she said you were…very attractive…" I phrased her words differently.
Takigawa smiled. "Oh…well, I'm glad she thinks that."
"Hey…" I eyed him with mock suspicion. "You're not one of those jerks who sleeps with the fans just to get laid?"
"No, no. Of course not." Takigawa put his hand on his heart. "How could you doubt me, John-kun?" He asked with fake shock. "In all seriousness, though, it's the drummer who's the culprit."
"Well, you know what they say, everyone likes the drummer."
"Really?" Takigawa looked puzzled as he took another shot.
"Oh…sorry, I think that's a western joke." I realised.
"…Do you prefer the drummer?" Takigawa asked mischievously.
"I've never met the drummer." I pointed out. Takigawa was watching me expectantly, and I knew what he wanted me to say. "But…I bet he's not as good as you."
He grinned, having received the answer he was waiting for. "Why thank you. And I'm sure that you're better than all the other priests." He attempted to return the compliment, albeit in a rather strange way. "You're bound to get married and have kids one day, you know."
"Um, I've taken a vow of celibacy." I reminded him.
"What?" Takigawa stared at me in disbelief. "Why?"
"I have to. All Catholic priests have to.
"Oh. Oh yeah. I forgot about that." He pondered this. "Do all Christian priests have to?"
"No, not all of them. Don't Buddhist monks have to take a vow of celibacy?"
"Yeah…" Takigawa ran his finger along the edge of his glass. "Technically…"
"What, don't you stick to that?" I asked, smiling.
"Do you?" Takigawa shot the question back at me.
"Ummm…" I looked at the ceiling. "Sometimes…"
"Oh, good, it's not just me." His comment made me laugh.
After a while, Hamamoto caught our attention.
"Are you planning to drive tonight? Because you've had quite a lot to drink." He pointed out.
"Oh…" Takigawa frowned. "Crap. I forgot about that." He turned to me. "Can you drive?"
"Umm, not very well. I don't have a licence." I admitted.
"Oh well, we'll figure something out." He checked his watch. "It's 1am now...I guess we could head home…" Leaving money on the counter, we left the bar. Outside, the air was freezing.
"It's cold." I remarked, pulling my jacket tighter around me.
"Come on, let's get to the car quickly." Takigawa shivered. Outside a bar opposite us, a man stood leaning against the wall, throwing up. I averted my gaze from him – it wasn't a nice thing to watch.
At the car, Takigawa examined it closely, like he had done at the hospital. While he did this, I kept a look out around us, straining my eyes against the darkness for any signs of the colleague or his workers. So far, I could see no one.
"Alright." Takigawa sat inside the car, turning on the engine. Quickly, I got in too. It was not much warmer inside the car.
Takigawa stared at the road in front of him, blinked hard, and then groaned.
"Well." He rubbed his temple. "I wasn't expecting this."
"What?" I couldn't hide the concern from my voice.
"I don't think I'm going to be driving tonight…" He pointed to a car across the street, and I realised it was a police car.
"Oh…" Inside the car, a police officer was watching the different night clubs and bars intently.
"Well…I don't think we should risk it…Are you sure you can't drive?" Takigawa asked.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Takigawa sighed, and opened the car door. "I guess we're going to have to walk."
"What about your car?"
"Ah, let's just hope it doesn't get stolen. I don't think anyone would want a piece of junk like this, anyway."
By the time we arrived back at Takigawa's apartment, it was 2am.
"You know, I'm really beginning to think that getting drunk wasn't a good idea after all." Takigawa decided as he tried to bring life to his frozen hands.
"I'm certain that it wasn't the original plan." I reminded him.
"Yeah, I know…" While Takigawa fumbled with the door, locking it up for the night, I decided it would be a good time to give the apartment a quick search over for anything unusual. However, nothing looked out of place.
The apartment was only a little less colder than outside, so as I sat down on the sofa, I found myself curling up to try and keep warm.
"Sorry it's so cold in here." I heard Takigawa apologising.
"No, it's ok." I called back to him. As he came around the corner, he complained,
"What's with this weather? It's meant to be getting warmer, and all we've had is rain. It was like that last month too, didn't you find?"
"Ummmm…" I could not answer his question.
Takigawa realised his mistake. "Oh. Oh yeah. Sorry, for a moment there I forgot about the whole…amnesia…thing…"
"Don't worry about it." Sitting down next to me, he reached for the television remote and turned on the news channel.
"…at around 3pm today, a car crash on one of Tokyo's outer roads claimed the lives of two people, Kenta and Michiko Akamine. The head on collision between two cars caused the death of the couple, and another victim is in hospital with serious injuries…"
At once, Takigawa turned off the television. "I'm going to go get a drink." He stood up and headed into the kitchen. "Want one?" He called back over his shoulder.
"No thanks." When he came back with…I wasn't sure what he'd decided to go for this time...I told him,
"…If you get really drunk, really drunk…please don't throw up on me."
Takigawa laughed. "I'm not going to drink that much."
Two more drinks later, Takigawa decided to criticise my Japanese.
"I remember the first time I saw you, and you spoke with that Kansai dialect…that was funny…" He was saying. "You still do it a lot."
"Why is the Kansai dialect so funny to you?" I asked curiously.
"Because it's just so…formal." Takigawa explained. "Comic relief characters speak with Kansai dialects."
A thought occurred to me. "Hey…can you say something for me?"
"Yeah?"
"Say the word…um…'fresh' in English." I knew that, for some reason, there were a lot of Japanese people who struggled to roll their 'r's after a consonant. And I had noticed that Takigawa was one of them.
Takigawa frowned, and after a moment of hesitation, he spoke up. "Fu-resh." He pronounced the 'r' strangely, hardly making the individual consonant audible.
I shook my head. "No, fresh."
"Fu-resh."
"Fr." I rolled my 'r'. "Try making that noise. Frrrr."
Again, Takigawa paused. His face was etched with concentration. "Fffff…"
I nodded encouragingly.
"Fffffff…Fu-resh."
I could not help but laugh slightly, as Takigawa continued to try and pronounce the word properly, his brow furrowed.
"Fu-re…fu-re…" He looked quite frustrated, which only served to make me laugh more.
"Takigawa-kun, you can stop now if you want. I was just teasing you." I told him, but he seemed determined.
"No! I have to pronounce this…ffffffffffffffffff…" I waited expectantly for him to attempt again.
"Ffffff…ffffffff…fu…fu…"
"Frrr." I whispered. "Frrrrr. Fresh."
"…Fu-resh." At his last failure, Takigawa threw his hands up in defeat, as I burst out laughing again. Thankfully, he did not seem offended.
"Is this payback for all those times I laughed at your dialect?" He asked, grinning.
"Maybe."
"Well, I have to say, it's pretty impressive for a westerner to be able to speak Japanese so fluently. I know a lot of people struggle with it, right?"
"Oh, yeah." I nodded. "Reading is harder. I think the fact there are three alphabets doesn't help."
"How many languages can you speak?" Takigawa asked curiously.
"Three. German, Japanese and Spanish. I know a bit of sign language, too, and some Latin."
"Latin? Isn't that a dead language?"
"Well…I'd call it an ancient language…I only really use it for exorcisms."
"Say something in it. Say 'hello'."
"Salve." He seemed to find this impressive.
"And you can do sign language?"
"Yeah, the British sign language."
"How do you say, 'my name is…' then whatever?"
"Well, you do this for 'name'." With my index and middle finger together, I placed them on my forehead, and then moved them out in front of me, almost in a salute.
"After that, you point to yourself." I did this, while Takigawa watched on in fascination.
"Now, you have to spell out your name. For me, it would go like this." First, I touched the tip of the middle finger on my left hand with my right index finger, then moved the index finger down the middle finger and down my palm, then curved at the bottom and travelled up my thumb.
"That would be 'j'." I explained. Next, I touched the tip of the ring finger on my left hand.
"That's 'o'." Then, brushing the palms of my hands together in one motion, I told him,
"This is 'h'." Finally, I moved the index and middle finger on my right hand together, and placed them on my left palm.
"That's 'n'."
"So, do the weird salute thing…" Takigawa copied me, although he raised his hand much higher than I had. "Then…point to yourself…but how would you spell 'Takigawa?" He asked. Since his name was so long, it took a while for me to show him. The fact that he had drunk 9 alcoholic drinks tonight made it trickier for Takigawa to copy, and I found myself having to guide his hands and fingers while he spelt out his name.
"So…for 'i' you point here…" He pointed to his index finger.
"Ah, that's 'e'." I moved his other finger along to the middle finger. "That's 'i'."
"And…what was 'g' again?"
"Fold your hands into fists." He seemed confused at what I had just said, so I closed his hand into a fist for him. When I moved onto the next hand, he opened the fist I had just closed.
"No, they both have to be fists." I told him, closing it up again.
"Oh, ok…"
"Now, you hold your left fist out in front of you…" I pulled it out for him, "and you bring the other one down on top of it."
Takigawa paused for a minute as he comprehended this. Eventually, he managed to do the right action.
"Good." After that, he managed to get to the end of his name without too much problem.
"What else can you teach me?" He asked.
"Ummm…ok, to say 'how are you?', you do this." I brushed the top of my chest near my shoulders with my hands, bringing them upwards and away from my body, then into two thumbs up.
Takigawa nodded slowly.
"What do you want to say in response?" I asked him.
"Ummm…drunk."
Smiling, I held out my palm and placed my index and middle finger on top, then moved them in circular motions. After that, I went on to show him a variety of other emotions, from happy to sad, and angry to in love.
"Ok, well…" This time, Takigawa asked me how I was in sign language. In response, I raised my hands near my head and moved them.
"Worried." I told him. Strangely, despite the amount of alcohol in his system, Takigawa suddenly looked very serious. He stared at me intently, as if willing me to go on.
I put my hand over my heart and patted it quickly, like a beating heart. This meant 'scared'.
Takigawa shuffled closer to me and leant towards me. "Why are you scared?" He whispered.
"Because someone is trying to kill me." I whispered back.
"Oh yeah…" Takigawa gazed at me. "Why else?"
I sighed. "…I've changed. Not in a good way. I'm always scared and I don't know why, and it worries me. I'm worried about what happened to me. After that flashback today…whatever happened, it was bad. And I'm scared, because I don't want to remember what happened, but eventually, I don't think that will be a choice. But I hate it, because I just feel so…pathetic."
"John, it's only natural. There's no need to feel 'pathetic'." Takigawa tried to reassure me.
"…I can't sleep in a bed." I found myself admitting. "It makes me feel too exposed. I have to curl up in the corner of the room in order to fall asleep."
Takigawa could not think of something to say to this, so I added, "Try and tell me that's not pathetic."
Letting out a long breath, Takigawa looked away, to the side. "You know…I know how it feels. Not on your level, but I do know how it feels."
"…How so?"
"Well, when I was about…9 years old, my grandmother got cancer. She passed away very quickly."
"Oh…I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine. But, about a year later, my aunt got cancer as well. She died, too. So then I heard my parents talking about it, and I found out that cancer is hereditary in my family. From then on, I was terrified. Every time I felt the slightest bit ill, or I noticed something slightly wrong with me, I panicked. I was terrified I had cancer."
"Were you…a hypochondriac? Well, not completely, but that was your behaviour with cancer?"
"Yeah. The thing was, when my father found out the reason why I was constantly scared whenever I felt sick, he berated me. If anything, he was angry. And it made me feel like the most pathetic person on earth." He stared at the floor for a moment, before speaking up again.
"Look, when you're scared, it's very easy to feel pathetic. The thing it, we're all in the same boat when it comes to fear. And…I don't know, somehow, knowing that you're not the only one to feel that way helps a bit. Well, I find that, anyway." He smiled at me, and this time, I smiled back. His words were comforting.
"Thanks."
"Hey, don't worry about it. Wow. Being drunk and giving advice at the same time." Takigawa grinned. "I think that's pretty impressive."
I nodded in agreement. "Definitely."
"Well, I have had a fair bit of experience…" Takigawa admitted. Then he frowned. "Hm. You know, earlier I was feeling very tipsy. Now I don't. Now I just feel a headache coming on."
"Maybe the affects have…worn off already or something?" It was the only explanation I could think of.
"What? Alcohol doesn't work that way…unless…" He looked genuinely concerned. "Have I become alcohol resistant or something?!"
"Well, when you've drunk alcohol and you begin talking about…matters like we were, often you begin to feel worse than better. Anyway, you should eat something or have some water to drink. To try and avoid a bad hangover."
In the end, I decided that some dry toast would probably be best for Takigawa. I stood in the kitchen, waiting for the bread to spring up from the toaster. As I did this, I heard the sound of people speaking on the television again, changing each time Takigawa switched channels. I was thankful to him. Speaking my fears had been difficult to do, but Takigawa had not rejected me or scorned at them. Half of me had almost been expecting him to. It was a relief that he had been so kind to me. What's more, he had told me some very personal information, and though perhaps the alcohol had loosened his tongue, that did not change the fact that it msut have been hard for him to say it, too. And like he had mentioned, knowing that I wasn't the only one who felt that way made me feel a bit better.
In the other room, I heard music beginning to play. It was a lively, Japanese pop song, with lyrics that went too quickly for me to understand. Swiftly, it was changed to a screaming rock dong, only to be changed again to a slow, morose song. The toast popped up from the toaster, making me jump slightly, and I lifted the pieces onto a plate. Bringing them into the living room, I saw that Takigawa was still on the sofa, with the television remote in his hands. The screen was blue, with the words 'Audio Only' in Japanese at the centre.
"Oh, is that a music station?" I asked.
"Yeah. I don't have many T.V. channels, but I have a lot of radio channels." Takigawa explained as I sat down next to him, placing the toast and a glass of water on the table. "I like to keep up to date with the music world as much as possible." He changed the channel again, and a song played, but the lyrics were in English.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me…"
"Oh, this is that really obscure music channel that plays a load of English songs…" Takigawa did not change the channel this time.
"Do you like any English bands?" I asked, as the song continued,
"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be!"
"Well, I like the Beatles. They're about the only English band I know. Do you like them?"
"They're good, I guess."
"Good? They're great!" As the chorus came on, Takigawa began to sing along. I was impressed that he was able to do this, despite the song being in English.
"Let it be, let it be! Let it be, let it be!"
I joined in with him. "Whisper words of wisdom, let it be!"
Before I knew it, it was 4am and Takigawa had fallen asleep on my shoulder. I was unsure exactly how this had happened – we had been watching a late night show, and now he was completely asleep. I felt like I could not make a single movement, lest he woke up. Instead, my own eyes began to grow heavy.
Today is February 14th. I am walking out of the library, burdened with what I have found. The death of Itsuke is still weighing heavily in my mind, and his last wish continues to echo in my thoughts again and again. Save Sayomi, from whatever had happened to her. It had taken me a while to find the record that Itsuke had told me about, but after days in the library, I had finally found it: the report written by Friedrich Howe. Reading it, the situation he had talked about seemed identical to Sayomi's. This psychiatric ward…Mattaku Psychiatric Ward…there was most certainly something wrong with it. However, I hadn't found a single thing in the library or on the internet relating to the ward. It was practically non-existent.
So far, I have not spoken to anyone about the matter. Not Amaya or Leiko, no one at SPR, not Father Toujou, not the police, not even any of my siblings or Sinead. But now I had scratched the surface of this ward, telling someone seemed the best option.
In the hospital, I am completely preoccupied with my thoughts on the ward. Amaya and Leiko seem to notice this.
"You've been very quiet." Amaya remarks. "Is something the matter?"
Somehow, I find myself not mentioning the Mattaku ward. "Oh, I was just thinking about someone."
"Who?" Leiko asks.
"He went to the church sometimes, but he passed away a week ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Amaya pats my shoulder. "What was his name?"
"Istuke Watanabe. Actually, he died here."
Leiko frowned. "You mean, he was a patient?"
I nodded. "Yeah. The police said that, apparently, the brakes failed in his car. He crashed into an old office building. No one else was hurt in the incident, but he didn't make it."
"Poor man." Amaya shook her head sadly. "That's very unfortunate. Does he have any relatives?"
At once, I thought of Sayomi. "Yes, a granddaughter."
"Give her our condolences."
The comment fills me with anxiety. After reading the report Itsuke had given me, it seems likely that Sayomi is currently in Mattaku Psychiatric Ward. But if I could find no information on the place, no way of contact, then how am I meant to find her? And considering the dire tone to Howe's report, will I even be able to find her, or will she just…disappear like the other patient, Chekskov, had? Whatever happens, I can't let that happen. I need to find her.
"I will do."
I decide to go to the police and see if I can consult someone about the problem. Making my way to the police station, I wonder what they will make of the matter. Will they reject it? Itsuke certainly seemed to think so. Considering the matter included mental illnesses, I am not surprised about his fear. Mental illness is often an issue that is swept under the rug and ignored a lot these days, so there is a chance that the police decide they want nothing to do with the matter.
Eventually, after a long time of waiting in the police station, I am met by an officer, who takes me to a questioning room.
"So…Brown-san, you said you had found out some troubling information from a patient who passed away a week ago?" The officer sits opposite me, a note pad at the ready. He seems less than eager to listen to me, but I recount what has happened anyway. He listens to me in interest, writing down a few notes every now and again. Even when I tell him about the events that happened in Sayomi's hospital, he does not seem too disgruntled, though he shifts uncomfortably and pauses at the first mention.
However, as soon as I mention Mattaku Psychiatric Ward, his entire demeanour changes. He seems to freeze. His posture becomes hunched, and he swallows nervously.
"…W-what was that?" He asks.
"Mattaku Psychiatric Ward." I repeat myself. Immediately, the officer puts away his note pad.
"I'm sorry, but I can't help you."
"What? Why not?"
"From what you've told me, it just sounds like a…concerned man who was just worried about his granddaughter. I'm sure you'll find that she is perfectly happy at this new ward. The brakes failing was just a coincidence, as was that report. Now, if you'll excuse me…" He stands up and leaves the room abruptly.
I leave the police station with more worries than I originally had when I first entered. It seems like the police wasn't going to help me. I had tried to talk to another officer, but she was just as edgy as the first. It was the name Mattaku – it seemed to spark some kind of panic whenever I had mentioned it. This fact only seemed to put Sayomi's situation in more peril.
My mobile phone begins to ring in my pocket. Checking the screen, I see that it is Kazuki calling me.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me." He greets me. "Where are you?"
"I'm outside the police station."
"What?" He sounds concerned. "Why? What happened? Are you ok?"
"I'm fine, Kazuki. Don't worry." I reassure him. "There was just something I needed to take care of."
"…Ok." He still sounds anxious. "What exactly is it?"
"Um…I can't really talk over the phone about it…do you want to meet up?"
We meet up in a café, as the light drains from the sky. It is about 5 o'clock. I had changed my shift to an earlier time for the past few days, trying to use as much as my free time in the library. Kazuki is sitting opposite me, stirring a cup of coffee absent-mindedly. He has been quite distracted recently, and acting…almost over-protectively of me. We seem to be getting a few strange looks from those around us.
"Hey…" I tug on Kazuki's sleeve, waking him from his daze. "Why is everyone staring at us?"
Confused, he looks around the café, where everyone immediately hides averts their gaze. "Oh." It takes him a moment to realise. "I get it." He grins at me. "Don't you know what day it is today?"
"No…"
He chuckles. "It's Valentine's day."
Of course, it is the 14th February… "I completely forgot about that." I admit. Then a thought occurs to me. "Wait. So why are they staring at us?"
"They think that we're…" Kazuki gestures with his hands. "Together."
I flush. "Together…together?"
He nods.
"Why do they think that?"
"Well, everyone else has come here as a couple, so they just assume the same." He takes a sip from his cup. "But tell me. Why were you at the police station?"
I sigh. "You see…remember Itsuke Watanabe?"
"Yeah?"
"He died a week ago."
"What?" Kazuki looks shocked. "How?"
"He was driving his car and his brakes failed."
"Wait…was that when you were on the phone to him and then you looked all freaked out and ran off?"
"Yes. But…you know I mentioned his granddaughter to you?"
"Sayomi, right?"
"Well, she's not in a normal hospital. She's in a psychiatric ward right now, because of her paranoia. And she was transferred to another ward after she…" I lean forwards. "She saw a kidnapping, that might be the best way to describe it. But because she has paranoia, no one believed her, and now she's been 'transferred' to a different psychiatric ward. No one would let Itsuke see her, so he came to me after Church. Shortly after, he died in the car accident."
Hearing this information, Kazuki looks shocked. "So you went to the police about this? What did they say?"
"It was very strange. At first, they seemed sceptical but they listened to what I had to say. As soon as I mentioned the name of the ward that I think Sayomi is in, they began to act very uneasy and stopped listening to me."
At this information, Kazuki looks even more worried. "This sounds bad, John. For the police to act that way, there must be something wrong. Are you sure you should be looking into this?"
"I have to. I promised Itsuke I would find Sayomi, just before he died. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to live with that on my mind."
"Ok…but you have to promise me something. You have to promise that you'll be careful, and if it starts to get dangerous, just stop." His tone is very serious.
"What do you mean?"
"You know the phrase 'curiosity killed the cat?' This situation sounds like that. I don't want you to end up getting caught up in something dangerous."
"What makes you think it might be dangerous?" I ask.
"This man, Itsuke Watanabe, he was looking into it, I assume. And now he's dead. That doesn't sound like a coincidence to me."
His warning has reason. "I guess…but what should I do? I can't find any record of this ward, apart from one article where a German reporter mentioned it."
"How about you go talk to this German reporter?" Kazuki suggests.
"He's dead. I found his obituary in the library."
"What? How did he die?"
"Car accident. Failed brakes."
Kazuki looks even more anxious now. "Look, this is sounding very dangerous. You shouldn't be getting involved with this ward, especially without the help of the police."
"I can ring my cousin." I tell him. This confuses him.
"Ring your cousin? Why?"
"She's a…liaison officer. She has a lot of links with police all over the world. She can help if things start to get dangerous."
"But where is she now?"
"Last time I checked, she was in the USA."
"Then you can't rely on her, not until she's here in Japan."
"What, do you think I should ask her to come over?"
"Honestly, I think you should stop looking into this ward." His insistence strikes me, but I say nothing. He takes hold of my hands.
"I don't want anything to happen to you." His words sound sincere. "What if you end up in an accident, just like the other two? What if you end up dead?"
I don't know what to say to this, so Kazuki grips my hands tighter.
"Please. You've got to be careful."
Sighing, I smile sadly at him.
"I'll try."
Later that evening, I am sitting at home, my laptop out in front of me. I have typed the word 'Mattaku' into a search engine, but I have yet to press enter. Kazuki's words trouble me, for he is right. There is a chance that I might be dragging myself into a dangerous situation. There is a chance that it might end badly for me. But what about Sayomi? I cannot just give up on her. What if she is in trouble? No, I can't just stop now.
Pressing enter, the results consist of various urban dictionaries and Japanese translation sites. Nothing on the psychiatric ward. As I scroll through the various links, the phone begins to ring. Quickly, I pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey…" It is Kazuki again. "John…can I talk to you?"
"Sure." He sounds strange. "What's wrong?"
"Can you come over?" His request is unexpected, but I say,
"Alright, if you want. Are you ok?"
"Yeah…I just want…" He mumbles something that I don't understand.
"Ok, I'll come over then."
When I reach his apartment and knock on the door, I wait five minutes and no one answers. Frowning, I knock harder.
"Kazuki?" I call. When no one answers, I try turning the door handle. The door opens with no problem.
"Kazuki?" I call his name again, walking into the apartment. And there I see him – sitting on the sofa, a bottle of alcohol in his hands. He is staring at the floor, and barely notices me. I pat him on the shoulder gently.
"Kazuki?" I whisper his name. He looks up, startled, and when he realises that I am there, relief seems to wash over him.
"John!" He stands up and wraps his arms around me in a very tight and unexpected embrace. I can smell alcohol on his breath. "You're here!"
"Ummm…" I pat his back. "Yeah. I'm here." He does not remove his arms, so we stand like that for a while, in a silence that only I seem to notice. After a few minutes, Kazuki pulls away reluctantly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you knock." He tells me.
"That's ok." I sit down, observing the bottle of alcohol that was knocked over onto the floor. "So, you said you wanted to talk about something?"
Kazuki sighs, and sits down next to me. "Did you talk to your cousin, then?"
I shake my head. "Well, there's the time difference, for one thing. And she's probably out."
"How do you know?"
"It's Valentine's day, so she'll have gone out with Conor."
"Who?"
"Her boyfriend."
"Oh." Kazuki sighs. "Well, good for her." He stares at me. "…Did you…talk to anyone else about your problem?"
"No, not yet. Why?"
Kazuki shrugs. "I was just wondering." He stares down at his feet and says nothing for a while. It is as if he wants to speak, but is too afraid.
"Kazuki?" I say softly. "Is something the matter?" To this, he looks up and stares at me.
"You know something?" He begins to speak. "I was planning to spend today alone, despairing over my loneliness while everyone else goes out together. But…" I smiles weakly at me. "Now, we can both despair over our loneliness. Together."
I frown. "What do you mean?"
"You're lonely." His confident statement doesn't irritate me, but almost…panics me instead.
"I'm sorry?"
"You're lonely. Don't try and deny it. I know you are." Kazuki stands up and walks out to the balcony, so I follow him. He's acting very strange. Out on the balcony, he leans on the railings, looking out at the city. I join him.
"…It's difficult, isn't it?" He speaks up after a moment of quiet, with only the traffic from down below. "It's difficult in this country."
"Well, yeah, I guess…I mean, it's so different from our own culture, it can be very…stressful sometimes."
"More than that." He turns to me. "I have to confess; when I was in hospital, I watched you a lot."
"Because that doesn't sound creepy." A smile flickers at his lips for a moment before he carries on.
"And I noticed how everyone treated you. Some people were friendly enough to you. But a lot of people, a lot of the doctors, seemed to treat you like you were stupid or like you weren't worthy of being there."
I sigh, and look out to the roads below. "Yeah. They do." I agree quietly.
"And it seemed a lot of people took advantage of you. Lots of people do that, don't they?"
His words are true, and they fill me with sadness. "Yes."
"It's because you are so kind and…so willing."
"In other words, I'm just a huge pushover." I interrupt.
"It's more than that. You're always being kind to people, and you seem to expect nothing out of it. So when people hurt you or use you, they just think, 'Oh, it's only John, he won't mind.' Or 'he'll get over it. He doesn't hold grudges.' No one means to, but they just turn you into an object with no emotions. A handy item to be used and then ignored. But that's not right." Each sentence is true. "Because you do have emotions. You have feelings. And it hurts. There's only so much kindness you can put into the world without getting any kindness back, and it makes you so lonely. So why don't you ever say anything? Why don't you ever speak up for yourself?"
I don't say anything. I don't even meet his eye. He carries on.
"You're right, John. You were right. You can't carry on living like this, filled with loneliness. That's what you told me. Now I'm telling you."
Finally, I turn to face him. "…I am lonely." I still can't look him in the eye. "I am so lonely. But...I don't know…I don't know why I never say anything about it. I can't. All I do is hide behind a smile and keep it to myself. It's always been that way, even more since I came here. After all, who wants to hear what a foreigner wants to say? Who even cares?" I stop abruptly, realising how much I have said. My confession both seems to lift a burden from me, and drag me further down at the same time. The latter emotion always prevents me from ever sharing this information, and it is with fear that I look up at Kazuki. How will he react?
But he does not scorn at me or mock me. He just looks sad.
"…It hurts, doesn't it?" He speaks quietly. "It really hurts. And no one realises, and it just carries on in a vicious cycle."
As I nod, he pulls me into an embrace again. "Well, we can be lonely together now."
The evening rapidly fades into night, and before I know it, the time has reached midnight. I had been lying on Kazuki's sofa, and I must have drifted to sleep at some point without realising. Rubbing my eyes, I sit up, and look around for Kazuki. I find him in the kitchen, at the table. He is sitting in front of a small radio, with his arms and head resting on the surface of the table. A song is playing softly, one in English that I don't recognise.
As I enter the room, he looks up. "You fell asleep." I see another bottle on the table, its contents drained.
"You're still awake."
He nods, and stands up. "John. You have to listen to me." His words are slurred. "You've got to stop."
"What?"
"You've got to stop." He puts his hands on my shoulders, almost missing them altogether. "Stop researching it. Stop looking into it."
"Into what?"
"They'll take you away, and I don't want you to go. They'll make you crash…or they'll take you away…and I don't want them to. Stay with me. Please."
He's not making much sense. "Kazuki, who are you talking about?"
"The others. They're not like me. They like to make people hurt."
At once, I am filled with suspicion. "Kazuki," I speak slowly and clearly, "Who are you talking about?"
"Stay with me. Don't go, please don't go. Please don't go."
"I'm not going anywhere, ok? You don't have to worry." This seems to ease him.
"Ok. Ok." He nods vigorously. "Ok. But you've got to stop. Stop looking into it."
"Stop looking into what?"
"Stop looking into Mattaku." I freeze. Something is wrong. Something here is wrong. Did he say…Mattaku?
"…Ok. I'll stop." I need to calm him down. "But…I think you need to come and lie down." All the while, my mind is spinning at Kazuki's comment.
I manage to get him to sit down on the sofa. "How much have you had to drink while I was asleep?"
"I don't know." He waves his hand dismissively, almost batting me in the face as he does so. "It doesn't…I don't…know…"
"Well, I think you should have some water and then go to sleep."
He nods in understanding. "Go to sleep."
"Have some water first, or you'll be sick tomorrow."
However, it seems Kazuki isn't listening. He is playing with my hair distractedly, so I repeat myself.
"Do you want me to go and get you some water?"
"No." He rests his head on my shoulder. "Just stay."
Eventually, he falls asleep. As he does so, his words echo across in my head. A feeling of doubt gnaws inside of me. No matter how I try and ignore it, I know that something is wrong.
Then it clicks. I never told Kazuki the name of the psychiatric ward, and yet he had clearly used the name 'Mattaku'. So how had he found out? How had he known to use the name Mattaku?
What's more, the way he had spoken about it…he had mentioned 'the others'. Who exactly was he talking about?
At that moment, a suspicion sparks in my head. An ugly thought that fills me with cold dread.
Is Kazuki more involved in this situation than I first realised?
And does he know the secrets surrounding Mattaku Psychiatric Ward?