*Sorry about the long wait for this, guys. Some of the scenes gave me a lot of trouble, and I actually rewrote a big section of this. This is where the really heavy angst sets in. Let's just say that Kate is not a happy panda…Happy Reading!

Also, I should probably warn you; be prepared to cry…I did.

(Lanie)

A tear slipped down Lanie's cheek as she pulled a blanket up around Kate's shoulders. Her friend was actually sleeping for the first time in three days, and that was only due to the heavy dose of sedatives that Lanie had slipped into her dinner. She got up to leave the room, pausing at the door to take one last look at Kate. She left with a sigh, closing the door gently.

Esposito was at her side almost the second she entered Kate's living room. "How is she?" he asked, concern etched on his face.

Lanie shrugged. "Asleep," she replied, pausing. "For now."

"She's gonna be pissed when she realizes what you did," Esposito commented, flopping down on the couch and pulling a blanket around himself. He and Lanie had been camped out in Kate's apartment since Castle's death, keeping an eye on her in shifts.

Lanie shrugged again. "I regret nothing, Javi," she said, sitting on the far end of the couch and tucking her feet under her. She grabbed the end of the blanket that covered his feet and pulled it so that it covered her lap. "Kate needed sleep. Real sleep," she added as he opened his mouth. "Not just those little naps here and there that were interrupted by her crazy-ass nightmares."

Esposito shifted so that he was sitting cross-legged, facing Lanie. "How do you know that she's not still going to have nightmares?" he asked.

"I don't know that," Lanie admitted, a terrible thought occurring to her. "Hell, for all I know, I just made it worse."

Esposito frowned. "But I thought you said she needed sleep?"

"She did," Lanie replied. "She does. But…" She trailed off, staring at Kate's bedroom door. "But what if she has a nightmare and she can't wake up from it because I drugged her? What then, Javi?"

Esposito shrugged. "I dunno…"

Lanie sighed, her breath shaky, and tears pricking at her eyes. "I just wish there was something we could do for her."

Esposito shifted again, pulling Lanie against his side. "You're here," he whispered, kissing her temple. "You're here for her, and that's what matters."

Lanie nodded, sniffling into his shoulder. They stayed in that position for a while, Lanie cuddled against Esposito's side, his head resting on hers. Every so often a tear would drip onto her scalp, forcibly reminding her that Javi was suffering just as much as she was, probably more.

Eventually, Lanie heard Esposito's breath evening out as he fell asleep against her. She had almost dozed off herself when she heard a phone ring from the kitchen. She slipped out from under Esposito's weight, stuffing a pillow under his head before it could hit the couch.

Lanie tip-toed into the kitchen, where she found Kate's phone as the source of the ringing. She hesitated a moment before picking it up and pressing 'talk.' "Hello?" she answered softly.

"Katie?" The man that replied sounded confused and uncertain.

Lanie pulled the phone away for a moment to check the caller id. It just read 'Dad.' "Um, no, Mr. Beckett, this is Lanie Parish," she said. "I'm a friend of Kate's."

"Right, right," he muttered distractedly. "Is Katie there with you? Can I speak to her?"

"I'm with her, but she's pretty much dead to the world right now," Lanie said apologetically. "Can I take a message?"

"Nothing in particular, no," Jim said. He paused for a moment. "I just…I heard about what happened to that Castle fellow; the one that followed her around. How he was shot and killed. I just wanted to make sure that Katie's okay."

Lanie sighed. "She's not," she said bluntly. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, Mr. Beckett, but Kate's a wreck. She hasn't really slept in days. She's only sleeping now because I crushed up some sleeping pills into her dinner."

Jim cursed under his breath. "Has she been refusing to eat? Having nightmares? Walking around on auto-pilot?"

Lanie nodded. "Yeah. I take it this has happened before, then?"

"Last summer," Jim responded. "After she got shot. Those months up at the cabin…" He went quiet for a few moments. "I spent that entire summer waiting for everything to come crashing down on top of her. But then she went back to work, and I figured everything was going to be okay. She even went back to therapy, and I was so proud of her. And she's been doing so well, lately. Her therapist was even talking about weaning her off her medication. But now…"

"You think she's just gonna go right back down that rabbit hole," Lanie finished, her mind still reeling from the flood of information. Therapy…medication…how had she not picked up on any of that?

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of." He huffed a sigh. "Look, Miss Parish, I'm having a hell of a time getting out of this retreat early. Tell Katie I'll be home as soon as possible."

"Will do," Lanie assured him, adding, "and try not to worry too much. We're taking care of her."

"Thank you," Jim said, sighing. "I have to go. Yeah…just tell Katie I'll be there soon."

"I will," Lanie repeated. "Good night."

"Night."

Lanie hung up Kate's phone and wandered back into the living room. Esposito had taken over the couch completely, so she grabbed a blanket and curled up in a chair. She settled in so that she was facing Kate's room, ready to take care of her friend if it was needed. Lanie yawned heavily, hoping that it wouldn't be needed.

Lanie was awakened by a cacophony of muffled sounds from Kate's bedroom. She glanced around the room, still slightly disoriented. The couch was empty, which meant that Esposito was currently with Kate, and the clock on the DVD-player read 5:45. She had barely started making her way to the bedroom, when Esposito came out, looking both tired and flustered.

He stopped short before he could crash into Lanie. "Lane, you're up."

Lanie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, no thanks to the two of you," she groused. "What happened, Javi?"

"Beckett woke me up," Esposito explained, pinching the bridge of his nose. "She was having a nightmare; screaming, crying, thrashing around." He sighed. "It was pretty bad. Took me a few tries to actually wake her up. Once I snapped her out of it, she took one look at me and bolted for the bathroom. She's been puking her guts out for the past twenty minutes."

"Shit," Lanie muttered, heading for the kitchen. She grabbed a glass and filled it with water. "Is she still vomiting?"

Esposito nodded. "She was when I left her. I don't know how much more can come up, though. There can't be that much left in her stomach by now."

Lanie shrugged, making her way to the bathroom. "You'd be surprised how much bile the human body can produce when it wants to," she remarked.

She found Kate hunched over the toilet, coughing up the last remnants of bile. Lanie knelt down beside her, rubbing her back soothingly. She looked up at Esposito, mouthing I got this. He nodded, exiting quietly.

Lanie waited until Kate stopped coughing completely to question her. "How are you feeling?" she asked, handing Kate the water.

Kate took a large drink of water, gargling with it, and spitting it into the toilet. "Like crap," she said, taking a smaller drink. She leaned against her shower door, narrowing her eyes at Lanie. "You drugged me," she accused.

Lanie met her friend's glare unflinchingly. "Okay, I did," she admitted. "You weren't going to sleep, otherwise."

Kate looked away from Lanie. "I can fall asleep just fine, Lanie," she snapped.

"I know, but it's the staying asleep part you're having trouble with," Lanie countered.

Kate bit her lip. "Yeah, well, you try living through the things I've lived through, and you tell me how much sleep you get." She continued to stare at the wall defiantly, bringing her left hand up to swipe at her eye.

Lanie scooted closer, taking Kate's hand. "That's why I did what I did," she explained. "You needed a full night's rest, and you weren't gonna get it on your own."

Kate finally looked at her, tears shining in her eyes. "You could have just told me, Lanie."

"Yeah, and how well would that one have gone over?" Lanie asked, raising an eyebrow at Kate. "You would have shot me down before I could even finish my sentence."

Kate shrugged. "You're probably right," she admitted. "But at least then I could have told you that sleeping pills always make me sick."

Lanie winced. "Yeah, sorry 'bout that."

Kate shrugged again. "You didn't know," she said. "But that's why there's an untouched bottle of Ambien in my medicine cabinet."

"Your shrink prescribe those?" Lanie asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Kate snorted softly. "Practically forced them on me." She paused for a moment, her eyes narrowing. "How did you know I'm seeing a shrink?"

"Your dad mentioned it," Lanie said.

Kate raised an eyebrow. "And when exactly did you talk to my dad?"

Lanie sighed. "He called earlier, about an hour after you fell asleep. He heard about Castle, and he wanted to make sure you were okay."

Kate's face fell instantly. She pulled her hand away from Lanie's, pulling her knees up to her chest. "What did you tell him?"

"The truth," Lanie replied. "He said he's having a hard time getting away from his retreat, but that he's coming home as soon as possible."

Kate slumped forward, so that her forehead was resting on her knees. "He doesn't have to do that," she murmured, her voice muffled. "I know how important that retreat is."

"Hey," Lanie whispered, squeezing Kate's shoulder. "You're his daughter, and you're hurting. Nothing is more important to him right now." She started rubbing Kate's back again. "How long do those retreats usually last?" she asked.

Kate shrugged. "A week, I think," she answered, her voice still muffled. "He left last Thursday, maybe."

"He should be here for the funeral, at least."

"Yeah," Kate whispered.

Lanie bit her lip. "Are you gonna be okay Saturday?"

Kate finally looked up at her. "I have to be, don't I?"

"You know you don't have to do the eulogy," Lanie continued. "You don't even have to go if you don't think you can handle it."

"I can't not go, Lanie," Kate said stubbornly. "He'd be there for me if the tables were turned. Besides, I promised Alexis that I'd do this. If I back out, it falls to her or Martha, and neither of them are up for that."

Lanie shook her head. "And you are, Kate?"

Kate was silent for a minute. "No," she admitted. "No, I'm not. But I promised Rick a long time ago that if anything were to happen to him, I'd be there for Alexis. She needs me to do this, so I'm doing it."

Lanie nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Okay," she conceded. "How 'bout we get you back to bed."

Kate nodded, allowing Lanie to lead her back into the bedroom. Lanie got her tucked in, and was about to leave when Kate grabbed her hand. "Will you stay with me?" she asked, obviously close to tears. "I just thought…it might keep the nightmares away."

"Of course," Lanie whispered. She turned off the light, climbing under the covers. Kate shocked her by snuggling up to her immediately.

"Thank you," she whispered, sounding for all the world like a little girl.

Lanie kissed her forehead. "Anything, girl," she murmured. "Anything you need, I'm here."

(Kate)

The moment Kate stepped out of the car at the cemetery, she was hit with an inescapable sense of déjà vu. The flag covered coffin, the staccato beat of the drums, the column of saluting officers, the cold metal of the handle seeping through her gloves to her trembling fingers, Esposito catching her eye for a split second before making an about face, the twenty-one gun salute that pierced her heart, the podium that waited for her as Ryan handed Alexis and Martha the folded up flag. It was all too familiar; too much like Montgomery's funeral, though it almost hadn't been. Gates had refused to allow an honorary police funeral for Castle. The 12th had arranged for it anyway.

Kate approached the podium slowly, willing herself to stay calm. She had prepared for this. She'd taken her anti-anxiety pills, had even gone to see Doctor Burke the day before. She could do this.

Kate looked out at the crowd, a myriad of cops, old friends, and famous authors. She glanced down at the notes on the podium. The words were her own, but she wasn't sure they were good enough. He had always been the one with the right words. She took a deep breath and started.

"When Martha and Alexis first came to me and asked me to speak today, my initial response was 'Hell no.' There was no way that I could possibly stand up here and say goodbye to my best friend, my partner. Because that would mean acknowledging that he's gone, that I'll never see him again, and that's not something I can do." Kate took a shaky breath. "I can't say goodbye to Richard Castle."

She sought Lanie out in the crowd, receiving an encouraging nod. She looked down at her notes, tears stinging at her eyes. "But then I thought about everything that I've learned from him over the years, and I realized that acknowledging that he's gone doesn't necessarily mean saying goodbye.

"When I first met Castle, I couldn't stand him." She paused as a chuckle spread through the crowd. "My first impression of him was that he was childish, impulsive, and determined to drive me completely insane. But as time wore on, he began to prove me wrong. I started to peel back the layers of the Castle onion, and some of what I found was unexpected, to say the least.

"I learned that Rick Castle was a devoted son and a spectacular father. He was a good man. He believed in fairy-tales, magic, and fate. He helped me to start breaking down the walls that I'd built and reinforced for years, and he slowly became the most important person in my life. He brought light into a darkness that I didn't realize still existed. He made a difficult, dangerous, and heart-wrenching job a little more fun.

"Despite my early reservations, we became partners. We were there for each other, we protected each other. We saved each others' lives, countless times. He saved me from myself. We were partners in every sense of the word."

Kate took another deep breath, exhaling shakily. She wasn't attempting to control the tears that were falling. There were too many of them. "I don't think Castle ever fully realized how much he meant to me, how much I needed him. He never knew how much I loved him, or that I'll never stop loving him. I never got the chance to tell him, and I'll never forgive myself for not telling him sooner, even though I know he already has.

"In the three years that I knew him, Rick never told me goodbye or goodnight," she said, her voice breaking. "It was always 'Until tomorrow.'" She choked back a sob. "He said it was more hopeful."

Kate turned away from the podium, kneeling on the frozen ground beside the coffin, speaking directly to it. "So today, I'm not saying goodbye to you, Castle. I'm saying that we'll miss you. I'm saying that we'll never forget you." She kissed the tips of her fingers, touching the coffin reverently. "I'm saying that we love you. Always."

(Esposito)

"Yo, Beckett, where do you keep your silverware?" Esposito asked, holding up a handful of newly cleaned forks and spoons.

"Second drawer to the left of the fridge," Kate replied, looking up from the sink. She raised an eyebrow at him. "You were camped out in my living room for over a week, Espo. How do you not know that?"

Esposito shrugged, pulling the drawer open. "Lanie did most of the kitchen stuff."

"Of course she did," Kate muttered, rolling her eyes. They worked silently for a few minutes, the only noise coming from the dishes. Esposito glanced over at Kate from time to time, trying to gauge her mood. Lanie was better at seeing through her poker face, but Esposito was slowly learning how to read her.

Esposito glanced over at Kate once more, only to find her glaring at him, her mouth twisted in annoyance. The effect was somehow made all the more threatening by the fact that she was up to her elbows in soapy water. "You have got to stop doing that, Espo," she snapped.

"Doing what?" he asked, playing innocent.

Kate glared at him for a moment before turning back to the dishes. "I'm not a child, Javi, and I don't appreciate being treated like one." She sighed. "I don't need you and Lanie babysitting me every minute of every day." He opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. "And don't tell me that isn't what you've been doing, because it is. You're both acting like I'm this fragile, little porcelain doll that's going to break the moment you look away."

Esposito hung his head. "Look, we're just trying to look out for you, ya know? Like Castle would want us to."

Kate's shoulders stiffened. "Yeah, well even Castle knew how much I hate being babied, Javi. And he knew when to back off," she added, raising an eyebrow significantly.

Esposito walked over to her, squeezing her shoulder gently. "I'm sorry," he said. "Lanie and I…we're just worried about you, Beckett, that's all. You can't tell me you wouldn't be doing the same if the tables were turned somehow."

Kate managed a weak smile. "You're probably right," she admitted. "It's just…" She paused, taking a deep breath. "I feel like I just got thrown back down the rabbit hole and the two of you jumped right in after me to try to save me. But you can't save me, Javi. That's something I have to do on my own."

"Are you sure you can do that all by yourself?"

Kate shrugged. "I've pulled myself out of that hole before," she replied. "It's going to take me a lot longer to find my way out this time, but I can do it. For him."

Esposito hugged her, pulling her away from the sink and soaking them both in the process. "He'd be so proud of you, you know. For not giving up."

Kate nodded against his shoulder. "I know," she whispered.

He kissed the top of her head, chuckling at the disgruntled expression on her face as she pulled out of the hug. "Seriously, Espo?" she said, folding her arms. "Did we or did we not just have a conversation about how I don't want to be treated like a child?"

"Sorry," Esposito said, smirking. She rolled her eyes at him, turning back to the sink. "So," Esposito asked, "how do you plan on starting the climb up the rabbit hole?"

Kate turned back to him, determination etched in every line of her face. "I'm going to catch the bastard that took away the only man I've ever loved. And I'm going to make him pay."

*Wow, finally…I really thought I'd never finish this chapter. I just had so much trouble writing it. I realized why I had such a hard time writing this, though. After all of the angst that's been going on in the actual show, I didn't want to torture Kate. At all. Seriously, she's my baby, and I didn't want to put her through so much hurt, when she's hurting so much already. Yeah, I know she's a fictional character. I don't care. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, and there shouldn't be such a long wait for the next chapter. I promise.