It didn't that's just the name of the chapter.
Monday September 20th
How long have I been out of school?
Like 2 weeks? That's almost a year.
I think I'm starting to grow a beard.
5 minutes later
Looking in the mirror
Yep. That's definitely a beard.
And a small bit of a mustache. I'll have a goatee by the time I finally go back to school.
30 seconds later
Which will most likely be never. In case you were wondering. I am.
7:30am
Kitchen
Mutti cooked "breakfast". It's a chopped up banana with cold oat meal. Yum.
5 minutes later
The portly one came and sat down across from me at the table. Oh joy unbounded.
Dad said, "You know what I realized when I looked in the mirror this morning?"
In a bit of cleverosity, I said, "That you're old?"
He gave me a bit of a glare and said, "That I look a bit like that Johnny Depp fellow. He's English, right?"
I spit out the sip of orange juice I had just taken. "Dad, he's Cherokee."
"Like the car?"
Oh mon Dieu.
10 minutes later
Bertha wanted me to write a paper on what I like to do. She's a vegetarian so this should be fun.
I've made a list:
Hunting rabbits
Burning down forests
Eating dandelions
Plucking off the feathers of owls
I should send this paper to Jas after I'm done, and sign it from Tom. Hahahahaha. I'm so going to do it!
20 minutes later
Phones ringing.
30 seconds later
I said, "Bonjour!"
Rosie said, "Bonjour ma petite malade pally pal! How are you on this fine winter day, c'pain?"
"Fine and also diddly dandy with a large side of full poonosity."
"I'm sorry to ruin this happy moment for you then."
Happy moment? Oh yeah. "Why would you be ruining it? You're not singing, or talking about trees. This is actually a fabbity fab moment!"
"It's not going to be though."
"Why's that?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because-"
She was cut off by Sven singing. "O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy PANTS command. With glowing PANTS we see thee rise. The true North strong and free!"
Rosie said, "Sven! Shush! I'm trying to tell Georgia that Masimo is a vampire!"
I said, "A what? Rosie! Get your arse back on the phone! How is Masimo a vampire?"
After a million minutes of waiting, Rosie said, "The signs are all there Georgia. He's barely out in day light, so you don't see his sparkles, but they're there. And according to the books not all vampires have pale skin. Also, his eyes. They're yellow, meaning he doesn't drink human blood. He's bloody gorgeous, and has a great voice. Another vampire trait. And to top it all off, he comes from Italy. That's where the Volturi live. His family probably IS the Volturri!"
10 minutes later
Hyperventilating.
Holy merde and also crap.
5 minutes later
No. He can't be. He would've made a pass for my neck if he was, and he hasn't. I mean he probably can't resist me as is, so if he actually was a vampire then I'd be bloodless. He's not a vampire though.
1 minute later
I hope.
Oh good. The phone's ringing, it's probably Sven asking me to join him and Rosie in another rendition of "O PANTS".
2 minutes later
Oh my giddy God's trousers!
AHHHHHHHH!
30 seconds later
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
1 minute later
MASIMO IS BACK
WHY?
HE'S EARLY!
And he'll be at my house in 15 minutes!
How did this happen?
All he said was "Ciao, is Georgia there?"
I said, "Oui, it is moi!" I don't know why I all of a sudden became French but that's beside the point.
He said, "Ciao, Cara! I am back early from Italy. When can I be seeing you?"
I said, "Ciao, Masimo…erm, of course as long as you've got your groovin' pantaloons on."
He said, "Yes I think I do… but when?"
I said, "Err… (dribble, cough) now?"
He said, "I'll be arrived in 15 minutes. I can't wait to how you say, 'snog your face off'".
3 minutes later
Blimey. I'd love for him to snog my face off. I hope that doesn't include my neck. Why would it though? He's not a vampire. I'll just wear a scarf to protect it. Just in case. Even though he won't try and bite it.
30 seconds later
I guess no one has told him about Robbie, or my sudden transvestiteness. Well I'm not going to be the one to do so. I'll just have mutti get the door, and close all the blinds so no one from the outside can see me. And voila! I can be a girl.
10 minutes later
I'm wearing a short skirt, with tights underneath because I didn't have time to shave, and unless he's like Sven who lurves the furry tights look then he'd run screaming for the hills.
5 minutes later
I wouldn't blame him. I'm also wearing a basooma holder, with a sports bra on top to make sure there are no jumpers. And a nice blue top, with a matching scarf. Just in case.
I went for the subtle look make-up wise. Only a little bit of concealer to try and cover up my mustachio, and of course 5 coats of lippy, 10 coats of mascara and a little bit of eye pencil with sparkly bits in it.
I didn't have time to do my hair, so I just put it in a vair French side pony. I look sophis and whatist. That is what I Iike to think.
1 minute later
Door bells ringing
I've explained the plan to mutti, for some reason she actually went along with it.
20 seconds later
Sitting like a bella whatsit on the couch
He came right up to me and we did full-frontal knutchenning.
Crikey he's a good kisser.
10 minutes later
I finally had to stop and take a breath. When I opened my eyes he was looking at me with his lovely unmad, yellow eyes. What if he's thinking, "I vant to shuck your bloooddd!" I moved sat on the far end of the couch in an unnoticeable way.
That's when I saw my mom still standing by the door jumping up and down and air clapping.
I think I'm going to die.
2 minutes later
I got my jacket with a big hood, and convinced Masimo to go outside.
On the garden wall
Masimo said, "What is wrong with your mouth?"
What? My mouth? I quickly wiped it afraid that there was something hanging out of it. I mean I'm not Angus or Libby, but you never know.
Masimo took both of my hands and said, "No, mi dispiace. I meant la tua voce."
My what? Tour vase? I took out my Italian-English pocket dictionary that Jas gave me and quickly looked up tour and vase. Tour is tour, and vase is vaso.
I said, "Il mio... tour vaso(?)...est...bein." Why did I always start speaking french around him?
He looked at me really confused. That makes two of us buddy. I was going to explain to him what I meant when I started coughing and sneezing a lot. It was like a laughing fit only not funny. And I fell off the wall.
He jumped off the wall to help me and said, "Cara, are you malato?"
Now I'm confused. I'm not a malt.
I started to say, "You mean gelat- oh! Sick! Sì, mi malato!" And I started coughing some more.
He picked me up and put me back on the wall. And started to stroke my cheek all lovingly. I hope his fingers don't go by my neck. They are. They're like neck feelers. Probably trying to find my pulse.
He said, "How did it happen?"
Uhhh. I was hoping to not have to bring this up until I got better.
I said, "Erm, I...got hit by un autobus."
Huhhh? Where did that come from? Why would I get hit by a bus and get sick?
1 minute later
He seems to by it though. Aren't vampires supposed to be really smart? And read minds? Maybe he's new at it and that's why he still doesn't fully understand english.
Now he's looking at the sidewalk and doing that nodding dog fandango.
Blimey. What if he talks to...well anyone? They all know. I have to bite this in the bottom(oo-er) before it gets out of hand.
I started to say, "Well, it wasn't actua-"
But he had already started talking. He said, "Un autobus hit my brother. Quando ci were younger..."
Oh...oh my God...
I said, "Mi dispacio, Masimo...but...I didn't acutally get HIT by un autobus. I stato on un autobus...uhh...uno secondo..."
I flipped through my dictionary some more. Where was the word grandvati in this damn book?
I said, "I stato visita my nonno." Hehehe. Nonno.
Masimo did some more nodding dog imitation.
He started stroking my hair. Not the neck, not the neck! "You are molto sweet, Georgia. Mi dispacio, my inglese male bad after my visit to Italia."
I am really nice. I'm glad someone finally realized it.
1 hour later
After a lot of air snogging, you snog the person as if you're touching lips only you're not, it was Rosie's idea, he said he was feeling jet legged. I think he meant lagged, but you know those Italians and their legs, and possibly fangs.
1 minute later
Actually I don't. Sort of.
20 minutes later
I know I kind of let my red bottom run free and wild in the meadows of snogging, but technically I was half dumped by Robbie. He hasn't called me since his snog rejection. It does make me feel quite pooey when I think about it.
1 minute later
Speaking of Robbie...I'm feeling a bit peckish. Maybe mutti actually bought some food.
5 minutes later
Gadzooks and lackaday!
There's bread...and cheese! I can make a sandwich.
1 minute later
What is with stoves? Why do they always burn the bread once you put it on the burner? How does mutti always do this?
3 minutes later
Oh. That's what the pans do. I can't be bothered with those. I'll just put the bread in the toaster, and then combine in with cheese in the microwave.
10 minutes later
The kitchen is covered in breath crumbs, cheese, and smoke. Angus can get to it later, or maybe vati.
1 minute later
Ha. That would probably be too strenuous for vati.
One time, he asked me to carry him up the stairs. I just laughed at him. Then a few minutes later he had a lead on both Angus and Gordy, and was trying to get them to pull him up the stairs. They both attacked his beard. They probably thought it was an intruder cat. I don't blame them.
5 mintues later
We even have all the ingredients for a facial mask. I have to do it. I know I'm caving, but as long as Dave doesn't know, then it doesn't matter.
9:00pm
Bed
I have my oatmeal, honey, and yogurt facial on with cucumbers over my eyes. It smells a bit on the pingypongoes side, but I have this florally face mist to put on after. Anyways mom's Cosmo said it's supposed to reduce redness(which I seem to be needing a lot lately because of all this coughing), and it also helps spots.
1 minute later
I noticed two under my chin. Even on guys spots aren't attractif.
Friday September 24th
4:15pm
Jas called me from home to say that she's coming over and she has a surprise for me. This should be good.
4:30pm
Jas is here.
She's wearing a crown made of leaves. I grabbed a match and threatened to set it on fire.
4:45pm
She finally took it off (oo-er).
Jas said, "So you know how it's a new term?"
I said, "No."
"It's only a few weeks after school started, so it's a new term…"
"Shut up, Jas."
"I was just-"
"Well don't."
And she got all huffy until I complimented her leaf crown.
She started to fiddle with her fringe and continued.
"Anyways, since it's a new term we're doing a play, again! Courtesy of Miss Wilson."
I rolled my eyes. "What's the play, Jas?"
"(Fringe fiddle, fiddle) The Crucible!"
"Isn't he that guy who has two of his own shows, and on each of them he thinks he funny, but really everyone on their TV shows makes fun of him?"
"What? No. I said Crucible. Not Cosby."
Touché.
5:00pm
I said, "Jas, you haven't taken your phone out this whole time. What happened to it? Did a wild newt eat it?"
Jas got all red and said, "Something like that…"