Monday September 28th
Same bat time, same bat place
Before mutti left for work, she said that I should stop lazing around the house, and take up a hobby or something like that. I don't really remember. It's either that or she was recreating the holocaust for me. There was a lot of arm waggling.
1 minute later
I really should start paying more attention.
30 seconds later
Or not.
10 minutes later
What I really should be working on is being French. Have you ever noticed that no one who's French is ever unsophisticated?
1 minute later
Or bathes.
11:00am
Anyways, vati says that I'm immature. Maybe I'll go watch those games shows that adults are always yelling at.
11:30am
Oh my giddy, giddy aunt. It's just really fat women, jumping around. Sort of like Bertha.
2 minutes later
Speaking of Bertha, she's still sleeping. Just as well, because today she wanted Davina and I to focus on games. She says by sitting around the house we'll get really fat.
You're one to talk, oh lardy one.
11:45pm
How safe is that! Bertha left her cigarettes out on the table. I might as well start my sophisticatnosity. That's what the French are also known for. Smoking.
5 minutes later
Smoking out my window.
Finally got that damn lighter to work.
2 minutes later
This isn't so bad. Oh God, Bertha's knocking on the door. And I just inhaled way too much smoke. What do I do with the cigarette? I'll put it in my pocket!
"Come in! (Cough, cough, gag, choke)"
Bertha said, "Sorry I'm up so late, I was out late" And she winked.
Sure, sure, that's fine, just get out. This thing is burning through my jimjams! Maybe if I start dancing she'll just leave. Good plan.
I started dancing.
Bertha said, "What're you doing?"
I said, "MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE! IT'S A DANCE!"
"Oh, you have to teach me that one!"
No. No I don't.
And she started doing pelvic thrusts, and shimmies. I'm going to die.
5 minutes later
She finally left when I told her there was bacon in the fridge. Oww! Oww! Buggering ouch!
My leg is all burned now. I'm just going to lie in my bed, and maybe I can slide down the stairs on a carpet.
4 minutes later
Nothing to do upstairs. And Davina should be here soon.
2 minutes later
On a towel. Sliding down the stairs. On my back.
This isn't as successful as it was in Princess Diaries 2. They used a mattress, but a mattress and a towel are virtually, and unvirtually the same thing.
12:15pm
Finally had to crawl down the stairs. Davina is at the kitchen table. I think I've really gotten into the whole transgender thing. I haven't even worried about my looks.
1 minute later
Until now.
30 seconds later
Oh great.
5 minutes later
I ran back upstairs to put on cute guy clothes.
Davina and Brenda are talking about shoes.
30 minutes later
Running. Bertha said it's a good cardio workout. Judging by her cankles, she wouldn't know a good cardio workout if it bit her on the arse.
2 minutes later
And the cardio workout would have to have a big mouth because her arse is pretty large.
She also said that it's good for your lungs. This doesn't make much sense if you ask me. Having to over work your lungs, which aren't working properly already. Vair bizarre.
5 minutes later
Ugh. I wish I could've worn a sports bra. My basoomas are flying everywhere. Davina keeps bragging about how supported he feels in his over the shoulder boulder holder.
I said, "Sod off, Davina. This is very uncomfortable."
Davina said, "That's no way to talk to a lady. Show me with some respect!" And he whipped out his purse and hit me with it.
"Where did you get that purse from?"
"My basooma holder. There's surprisingly a lot of room in here. Not that you would know about that."
Ugh. He makes me so mad. I hate him. I hate him. I'm going to…push him down hill.
4 minutes later
Running up a hill. Haha! Right when we go to the top, Davina's going down. Quite literally might I add.
1 minute later
I was about to push Davina down the hill, when he grabbed out for my arm. I swear he has telekemarketnesis senses or something. You know when you can predict things that will happen on the stock market? Or something like that.
30 seconds later
Rolling down the hill sometimes on top of Davina, and sometimes he's on top of me. It's like rolling while getting to number ten.
2 seconds later
With our clothes on.
1 minute later
This is a very steep hil- oof! We've rolled into a tree.
1 minute later
I'm on top of Davina, and we're both laughing. Probably because our wigs fell off halfway down the hill.
30 seconds later
He's looking at me all not Dave the Giggle like.
2 minutes later
Snogging.
I wonder if this will prolong the snogging sickness healing. Maybe that would mean that we'd half to be taught lessons together for a longer amount of time. Just in case I'll keep snogging him.
1 hour later
Bloody hell.
At some point we thought it'd be safer to move deeper into the woods so no one would see. We've gotten to number 7. Davina isn't too bad at it, might I add. But I won't get into the rudeydudeys of it.
1 minute later
Maybe I will.
30 seconds later
His hands are so gentle. He even does varying pressure; it's like snogging only not exactly snogging.
5 minutes later
I think I could fall asleep like this. On Davina's chest, just listening to his heart beat. It seems so normal. His heart beat I mean. I wouldn't be surprised if he could hear mine; it's beating as fast as a humming bird can run.
1:10pm
I wonder if by snogging him I'm a lezzie. Because he's a girl, and so am I. But I'm also a boy, and so is he. Maybe it's like two positives make a negative and negative being a lesbian. Because face it, who would not want to be able to snog boys?
My lips are going to be so swollen later. They were already getting chapped from the cold, and now they'll be even worse since it's been so long since I've snogged anyone.
5 minutes later
The last person I snogged was Masimo. It was a bloody good snog, too.