A/N: Hello, I have this story all planned out in my mind, but I think some of the chapters like this one are going to feel a bit like fillers before I get into the thick of the plot.. so I hope it's not boring and you don't lose interest. Constructive criticism is welcome. I am definitely leading up to some Vauseman stuff soon as I'm getting a little impatient to write it. And I expect there will be an eventual rating change also.
The title of this chapter comes from an Ed-Sheeran song (U.N.I.) as the line just kind of stuck with me.. and I'm going through a little Sheeran obsession at the moment..
Chapter 5 – Pain is only relevant if it still hurts.
She could feel the burn in her thighs as she pushed and pushed further and further. She ignored the beads of sweat rolling from her forehead, ignored the pounding of her heart as she continued ahead, the only sound being pulsing in her ears and the rhythmic sound of her feet hitting the gravelly floor. She was up high now, she could feel the air changing and pushed harder until there was no higher ground, and with a small smile upon her lips she slowed to a stop. Bending over, leaning her bodyweight through her arms and into her knees, she tried to calm her breathing with long and steady breaths. Running like this, as hard as she could, pushing past that pain barrier, it cleared her mind, even for just the moment. She felt the euphoria begin and although her legs felt like jelly, she began to walk.
The sandy pathways dotted with people enjoying the view over Hollywood, Piper looked out to the Horizon, and couldn't help the thought that came to mind, somewhere out there was Alex. She took a mouthful of the water and allowed some to dribble down her chin, the water wasn't cold anymore, but her mouth was dry and the low sun was hot. She'd left Book Ends in a state of bewilderment having seen her ex, she hadn't noticed anything at all along her journey home, and when she had arrived, she found her apartment in the same condition as she left it. Larry wasn't home yet. Part of her was relieved, she wanted to be alone, and yet she craved the comfort that her boyfriend could offer.
She opted to run somewhere new, somewhere more open, and took the car to Runyon Canyon up near the hills, and she began to run. As she walked back to the car, she resigned herself to the fact that it didn't matter what she did, or hard she ran, or where she was, her mind was back in the book store, her eyes on those green-blue eyes, tracing the outline of the dark curls of hair as they fell onto strong shoulders.. As it had been when they had first met, just a glance of the beautiful woman had left its mark. She couldn't fight the wave of emotions which were currently crashing through her, it was like rewinding four years ago, when Alex had stood beside her in a bar, mocking her CV. She hadn't been able to take her eyes off the woman, captivated by her confidence, she had felt drawn to this stranger, and like a lost puppy dog, she found herself following after her, eager for her approval. Each smile the taller woman had given, she took as reward, she'd felt pathetic for completely giving in to her attraction to this woman, but did so anyway. She didn't take the time to question how she had been attracted to this woman, when she had never before felt attraction to another woman; she just followed the woman's lead... She'd followed her innate desire, enjoying the accelerated speed of her heart rate whenever the woman stood closer to her, hungry for her touch. She'd known that Alex was more than aware of the control she had over her, that she enjoyed the control, smirking at each reaction Piper gave to her merciless teasing. There had been a slight arrogance which Piper would not usually find attractive, and yet she found Alex wore it well. Of course, she had ended up in bed with the woman, and experienced sex like she had never known it before, intense, passionate, slightly aggressive, and yet sensual.. She'd known then that her world would never be the same..
As Piper reached her car, she found herself smiling slightly at those early memories of Alex. The beginning of relationships were always the best part, she tried to rationalise, although she knew that she was lying to herself. Yes, the beginning of all relationships were exciting, even with her and Larry, but she knew that with Alex it was something different, something which went unexplained because explaining it was impossible. It just was.
Sitting and waiting for the traffic lights to change on her way back home, she contemplated not taking the job at the coffee shop. Being close to Alex was dangerous, she knew that. It wasn't that she thought Alex would try to seduce her as she had before, she knew that she had hurt the woman when she walked away from her in Paris. Piper was more afraid of what she would do herself.. And life was good now, wasn't it? Too good to throw away because of some unexplainable attraction she felt with her ex-girlfriend. She was with Larry now, she was Happy.
She thought back to how she had met Larry shortly after her return from Paris, he had been the exact opposite of her dangerous ex-girlfriend, and she liked that, she needed that. He was shy, and she had enjoyed making him nervous, just as Alex had done with her, and he had a self deprecating sense of humour which Piper had found endearing. At first he had been like the soft warm bed needed when suffering the hang over following a wild night of crazy fun. But as time had passed, and Piper adjusted back into to an ordinary life, Larry had become her best friend as well as her lover.
Larry, although sometimes annoying, was loving, caring and attentive, perhaps sometimes a little too much. Her parents had initially disapproved, they had expected Piper to marry into a secure future with a lawyer or a doctor, but in time they had grown to accept Larry, and now that his career was finally taking off, they even boasted about him to their circle of friends.
Yes, life was too good for Piper to just throw away right now... But she couldn't ignore that familiar itch of curiosity, that desire to dance on the edge of the comfort zone, and flirt with potential disaster. She shouldn't go back to Book Ends on Monday, she should just wait for the next job opportunity, she wasn't desperate for the money or anything.. and yet, what if?
She walked into the apartment and was greeted with the smell of cooking food; she sniffed appreciatively and headed towards the Kitchen. Larry stood wearing her pink apron, he smiled widely at her and rushed over to give a kiss, he wrinkled his nose at the taste of salt on his lips.
"Sorry," she apologised, "been out running, I'll go shower before dinner," she started to strip her clothes off, as she headed for the shower.
Larry watched his girlfriend, enjoying the view as she pulled off her shorts. He could hear a pan bubbling over and shook his thoughts away. "How did it go?" he called out.
This was it, Piper thought, it was time for her to make a decision..
"I start Monday!" she said, and climbed into the shower.
"That's great!" she heard him over the water. She didn't answer, feeling guilt for something which hadn't even happened yet. Something which wont happen, she tried to convince herself that she didn't want anything to happen, knowing the real danger wasn't Alex, it was herself.
She bent back her neck, allowing the water to hit her face. And as she ran her hands slowly down to her stomach, she unable to stop the memory of Alex's hands smoothly caressing her as they showered together. She opened her eyes and stared at the white tiles, knowing that she was so so wrong to be thinking this way, but not really wanting to stop herself from doing so.
"Dinners nearly ready," Larrys voice was close. She cradled her neck around the curtain to see his head peaking through the door. She swallowed down the cold feeling of guilt and felt it rest in her stomach.
That night, as she lay in the warm comfort of Larry's arms, she allowed her conflicting thoughts to battle it out, until eventually, she joined him in sleep. In sleep, her thoughts intercepted her dreams.. She was walking along the street, uniform buildings of white and beige, palm trees and green shrubs dotted along the way, and as she passed each person along her route, their faces changed and became Alex. As she reached out to touch her, the raven haired woman would disappear, only to reappear in the face of the next person she came to pass.
Her eyes shot open and she looked at the time on the digital clock on her bedside table. It was 5.40am. Larry's alarm would go off in twenty minutes ready for him to head out to whatever meetings he had scheduled today. She closed her eyes and saw those familiar green blue eyes framed by thick black rimmed glasses, her stomach fluttered, at first with desire and then with guilt, she forced her eyes open again, and began to place soft kisses along Larry's chest. He moaned in his sleep, and she continued so kiss him until his eyes fluttered open, he smiled at her as she continued her gentle assault. As they continued into their morning romp, Piper couldn't suppress the feelings of guilt that she felt for being curious about her ex-girlfriend. She knew that it was fucked up, but she couldn't help it.
...
Monday morning arrived, and Piper couldn't eat her breakfast, picking her toast to pieces, as her nerves set her on edge. She thought about the small coffee shop, if this place was anything like the other jobs she'd had, she knew they would make her first day comfortable, she would probably be given the easy jobs, and shadow the staff for the day. She thought about the brassy woman named Nikki. She obviously knew Alex, and Piper wondered whether Alex would have told her about their past, and if she did, then she knew that she probably wasn't in for a pleasant morning with the woman.. Her stomach churned with nerves as Larry walked with her to the book shop; he gave her an encouraging smile as they said goodbye and she took a deep breath before ducking beneath the shutters which were half opened for staff to enter.
The book store looked larger without shoppers browsing the books or congregating around large brown sofas which were dotted around the store. There were several members of staff putting out new stock and tidying the displays, but none of them were Alex. She felt relieved as she headed towards the coffee shop; she wasn't ready to see the woman just yet.
"Piper!" a friendly voice called her name, she saw Rick making a beeline for her and she smiled back at him.
"Come on, you will be shadowing Nikki this morning," he said. He rummaged in his pocket before producing a badge with the name "Shanice" on it, he gave her an apologetic smile before explaining that hers would probably come with the mornings post. She pinned the badge to the apron he passed her and he re-introduced her to Nikki, who was currently putting cookies in the cake display cabinet.
As Nikki turned to face them, she held up a broken cookie defensively, "it broke" she said, crumbs falling from her mouth. Rick rolled his eyes, mumbled something about her eating away at his profit margins and wandered off.
Piper looked at Nikki, and the woman looked back at her, her eyes slowly moving down her body and then back up.
"This is your first day, so I'm gonna go easy on you, Shanice" Nikki eyed her badge with amusement, "the store opens at 9am, so we open at 9am, we get a few people popping in for coffee before their morning meetings, but most of them head to Starbucks for their pre-work coffee.. so it's relatively easy goings in the mornings, picks up a lot at lunch though, we do Panini's, sandwiches and soup, so lunch time is probably our busiest time of the day, and then we get people coming in for cakes in the middle of the afternoon. We stay open until 8pm.." she continued to describe the daily running's of the store, and the types of customer they received. Weekends were their busiest days, and whenever there was a start of a new term, or a big book release, on really big book releases they would stay open for the midnight release.
Once the cake cabinet had been filled with cookies and a variety of pastries, Nikki moved on to explaining the different types of coffee, Piper wasn't expected to have these memorised just yet, but it would be helpful to learn them quickly, she had advised. She showed her how to use the coffee machine, but put her mind at ease by telling her she would show her it again before she had to use it, and she gave Piper a brief tour of where things were stored, and then a slightly wider tour of the entire store. The customers sometimes expected the coffee shop staff to know as much about the location of a specific book as the book store staff. So she pointed out how the front of the store had the fiction books, comics and graphical novels, then general entertainment like music or sport, then the art books, and as you moved towards the back of the store there were the more "boring" books, as she described, indicating the geography and history genres. The coffee shop was near to these books.
Piper continued to listen to the various pieces of information and customer stories that Nikki shared with her, all the while keeping a watchful eye out for Alex.
"She's in the stockroom," Nikki said eventually, a knowing look on her face.
"Who?" Piper asked lamely.
"Cinder-fucking-rella," Nikki rolled her eyes.
Piper shrugged her shoulders, "I don't care," she said hoping to look nonchalant, but the look on Nikki's face told her she wasn't buying it, "I mean, I didn't ask.."
"You didn't have to."
Piper wanted to look away, but she didn't. An understanding passed between them, Nikki knew that she had a past with Alex, and Nikki wanted Piper to know that she knew.
"Look, Alex is my friend," she explained, her voice dropped to barely a whisper, "she's had a tough time, you know, running away from the Cartel."
Alex ran away from Kubra?!
"But she's doing alright now, and whatever history you two had, that's your business, but I don't want to see her getting hurt."
Piper could feel her heart beating hard in her chest. When she'd seen Alex, she hadn't stopped to think about why Alex may have been working in a book store, but now that she knew Alex had left the Cartel, ran away in fact, she couldn't imagine what the woman must have been through. She wondered when this had happened.. She had so many questions for her ex-girlfriend, and yet, she didn't feel ready to ask them.
"I don't.." She tried to think of what to say to Nikki, "I didn't know she was going to be here, I saw her last week and I.. I didn't expect to see her.."
"And yet, here you are?" Nikki's voice had a tone of accusation.
"I needed the job," Piper lied.
Nikki held up her hands, "none of my business Blondie," she said.
The morning had gone much the way Nikki had predicted; it had been relatively quiet with a steady flow of customers, but not busy. Piper regretted her decision to take a late lunch break, which she would now have to take once the lunch time rush had died down. The smell of grilled cheese made her stomach rumble as she served up Panini after Panini.
As she turned to hand Nikki a cup of soup, she saw Alex watching her from the queue. Piper paused for a moment, unable to move her eyes away. Nikki followed her eyeline and rolled her eyes, taking the soup from her hands and passing it to the customer. She turned to the coffee machine and made up the coffee she knew her friend was in the line for, she waved her hand in the air, and Alex came forward.
"Ham and cheese?" the woman asked Nikki.
Nikki turned to Piper, "another ham and cheese?"
Piper turned to the Panini machine, grabbed a pre-sliced ciabatta, placed the slices of cheese inside and the deli-ham, brushed the bread lightly with olive oil and placed on the press. Once it was ready, she served onto a plate and grabbed a hand full of mixed leaves on the side, and a few slices of tomato, and ignored the cucumber remembering that Alex didn't like it.
She passed the plate to Alex who gave Piper her signature smirk, "maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?"
Piper didn't answer; she wasn't sure what to say. Alex's smile widened, and there was a twinkle in her green blue eyes, "thanks Shanice," she said, her eyes glancing down at Pipers badge, Alex took a long sip of coffee and held her gaze for a moment before Piper shied away, turning to face the Panini press.
"Smooth," Nikki mocked under her breath. Piper rolled her eyes.
Nikki moved closer towards her, and in a quiet voice, she said "I think this is a line from a song.. but pain is only relevant if it still hurts."
Piper wasn't sure what Nikki had meant by that, but kept her back to the seating area until she was sure Alex had returned to her work, and as the lunch time rush died down, Nikki had excused her for a lunch break.
Piper grabbed a sandwich from the coffee shop, took her phone from her locker and headed outside where she sat in a nearby park. She had a missed call from Larry, and a text from him asking how her day was going. She wasn't sure how to answer, so she sent him a generic text to say that it was going well.
As she headed back to the coffee shop, she passed by Alex who had been laughing with some customers on one of the book store sofas. She hated the way her contagious laugh caused her so smile in spite of herself.
As late afternoon arrived, various tables in the coffee shop were taken with people reading their newly purchased books over a coffee or a cup of tea, a mother and daughter sat eating cake, and a young man typing feverishly typing on his laptop as he sipped iced tea. She wondered through the tables, wiping the crumbs and grease away, replaying in her mind the moment she had passed Alex the Panini. She wanted to kick herself for being so lame. Why hadn't she said anything back? How had Alex been so relaxed? She had even seemed a little smug. Piper wished that she could have acted unfazed; in fact she wished that she was unfazed, but something about Alex caused her to become undone, just as she always had. Piper looked up, wondering if Alex was anywhere to be seen, and satisfied that her ex-girlfriend wasn't near, she let out a sigh of relief, and moved to the next table.
"Long time, no see" the raspy voice came from behind.
Piper closed her eyes before turning around to face Alex.
"Yes," she said, struggling to find her words.
Alex held a book in one hand, and tucked a curl of dark hair behind her ear with the other. Piper felt her heart skip a beat, and then feeling annoyed with herself, she frowned. "Is there something you need?"
"Not very friendly," Alex said with a tone of amusement. Piper watched, transfixed, as the tip of the woman's tongue slowly ran across her full, soft lips. Piper mirrored her actions, and licked her own dry lips. Her eyes widened as she realised she was staring, and feeling annoyed at herself once more, she said "go away, Alex."
The dark haired woman leaned in a little closer, "I can't," she said, a wicked look in her eyes, "I work here."
Piper rolled her eyes, "well you don't work here" she said, pointing her eyes across the tables of the coffee shop.
Alex's eyes narrowed, "anyone would think I left you in Paris," she sneered, walking away and sliding the book onto a nearby shelf.
Piper watched after her, regretting her cold behaviour. She thought back to Paris, and how, as she searched for her passport, Alex had been sat on the bed in shock at the news that her mother had passed away. She'd wanted to comfort her, to ease her pain, but she needed to leave while she was still determined to do so, before Alex used her as her mule again and had her transporting another suitcase of heroin across the borders. Alex's eyes had been filled with pain as she turned away from her, an image Piper had never managed to erase from her mind. She had convinced herself that leaving Alex had been the right decision, though it felt as though she had left her heart behind with her. And as she had fallen back into a day to day routine in New York, a life far removed from the criminal lifestyle she had lived with Alex, she had become further convinced that she had been right to leave when she did, even if Alex had just lost her mother. But right now, as she came face to face with her ex-girlfriend, and felt that familiar stir of desire mixed with the ache in her heart when remembering the pain in those eyes, she doubted that her decision to leave had been the right one.
"Piper?" a familiar voice interrupted her thoughts. Startled, she looked up to see Larry beaming at her. She looked from Alex, who was now in conversation with another member of staff, and then looked back at her boyfriend.
"Are you ok?" he asked, his voice full of concern.
"Yes," she lied, "I was just daydreaming," she smiled at him, "what are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to stop by and see how your day was going."
"I replied to your text," Piper felt a little annoyed, aware that her boss and colleagues could be watching them. That Alex could be watching them.
"I know," he smiled brightly, "but I just wanted to see you... you look cute in your little apron."
Larry leaned in to give her kiss but she ducked it, "not here," she told him, swatting his arm playfully. She looked back to see Alex watching them, and rolled her eyes at amused look painted upon her ex-girlfriends face.
Larry looked over his shoulder in the direction of Alex. Piper grabbed his arm, "I finish in an hour," she told him, "you can kiss me all you like, then."
"Deal," Larry said with a smile.