Chapter 4.
"Thank you Ms Steele. Thank you for reminding me that I am officially old!" I blow out the candle and split the jam sandwich in two. All my thoughts have vanished. I don't want to think of anything. Not about her demented uncle, not about the pimp, I don't want to think about how from spanking her now I have an urge to simply make love to her. I just want to mark this memory in my brain unadulterated. The smile on my face and the look in her eyes, are the very definition of innocence right now.
Taking one half of the jam sandwich, she stuffs it in my mouth and giggles softly.
I smear the entire jam from the second half over her face. It's my sweet revenge. She lets out a couple of cuss words and simply stands in front of me, pouting. I want to kiss her. Right here, I want her. I know I do.
And my motor nerves kick in and do exactly what my brain is thinking. I hold her pretty face in both my hands and lean in for a kiss. I search her eyes. They are growing darker again. She surrenders with her lips waiting for my touch. We are an inch away and neither of us can move. I part my lips but retreat, hers open up in anticipation and they are even closer to me now. The tension is fucking killing me. We both are frozen as everything around us is spinning. I lean in again but stop. My lips are trembling. She moves her hands to my neck. I gasp. I am a moth too close to a fire. I look at her eyes; the hunger in them for me is my calling. I want Ana to be the fire that engulfs me in her passion and desire. I close my eyes and surrender. I take her lips in mine. Her upper lip caught in my full embrace. I pull her face closer and now I feel her taking my lower lip. Our lips have a life of their now, they are moving together in a slow rhythmic pace. I can feel her hands move and they drive me crazy, they pull my hair gently and with that I am on fire. I thrust myself on her and push my way in-between her legs. My erection is pushing in her thigh. She is sitting on the kitchen stool and I pin her against table. My tongue is caressing her mouth, begging for an entry, she obliges and I find her tongue massaging mine. I pull back for a moment, clasp both her hands in one of mine and pin them behind her. Our trembling lips meet again and after what seems like an eternity, we stop.
There we are in my kitchen, lost in each other both panting and trembling. Everything around me is spinning. I want her, all of her but something tells me this is not the right time. My brain is telling me that is not the right time. She is too vulnerable and I am drunk. If it takes another decade so be it.
I open my eyes to find a face of an angel who has her eyes lowered. I cup her face and run my thumb on her cheeks. I caress her chin and raise her face. I search her eyes and they are wild with desire but they want to say something, something urgent." Ana are you ok?" She nods a yes and is about to say something but stops. I kiss her forehead gently. She smells heavenly. "Ana, you need rest. Go change, I will get some more water for you." She has a sad smile on but she seems relaxed now. She goes in the guestroom leaving me alone with my thoughts. 'I wanted to spank the fuck out of her earlier, and now I don't want to have sex because it's not the "right" thing to do! Boy! This feels strange. I need to understand what is happening to me. But it can wait. But I want to be with her today.' I smile to myself, Man! This girl even after a decade drives me crazy.
I enter the guestroom since its open and realize she is in the shower. Shit! I want to join her! 'No Grey. Don't behave like an arse that you usually are.' She comes out moments later looking adorable in my clothes. She is sitting beside me, playing nervously with her thumb. I think I should leave now. I wish I wouldn't have to. 'Grey! Get a grip over yourself. You sleep alone. You don't share your bed. And Ana should not be any exception. This is who you are.' As I turn to leave the room, I kiss her forehead again and whisper a good night. I close the door and then she calls out "Christian..."
My subconscious is telling me to go to my room, but I don't care. I am fifty shades fucked up but I am strangely at peace with myself. I want to go to sleep with Ana in my arms. I open the door and she immediately looks away from me. "Christian, I don't want to be alone tonight. Is it ok if you stay here?"
I pull the duvet and ask her to join me. We lay down with her head resting on my shoulders; her warm breath caresses my neck. She puts her hand on my stomach and I flinch. Shit!
I can't do this. I want her hands away from me. I am in a whirlpool of emotions. My brain keeps telling me that it is ok. But I can't do it. 'How on earth do you expect a girl in your life if you can't even allow her to touch you Grey? Forget about this. None of this is happening!' I want my stupid brain to stop talking. All I know is I will not let her go again, so what if there are conditions applied.
"Christian, are you ok?" Ana withdraws her hand. Shit! Now I want it back! What the fuck is the matter with me!
"Christian, I am sorry. I know you don't want to be here. Christian please go back and sleep in your room.
Now I am pissed at myself. 'Well done Grey! You just made her feel you don't want her.' What do I do, this is far too frustrating. I have to tell her. She will run away. I have to take my chance. If she doesn't run away then probably I have a one in a million probability of having her.
She has now switched on the lights and is sitting, waiting for me to leave.
I sit up facing her and conjure up some courage to reveal to her volume one - fucked up Christian Grey
"Ana, I want to stay here with you tonight. The thing is this is all very new to me. I have never shared a bed with anyone. Never. But I want to do it today. But there is something else too; I don't want to be touched above my waist. It's complicated. But I can't. I find it usually very difficult to have physical contact with people. But with you I am comfortable, I have realized it today. But I still can't bear you touching me above my waist."
I am doomed, she is going to ask me get lost. Its ok, I understand. Sooner the better.
All she does is lie down again with her back facing me and asks me join her. "Don't forget to switch off the lights Grey. Good night."
I put one arm around her waist and hold her close with her back against my chest. I kiss her shoulders lightly and can't believe that she is still here. She didn't ask me to get lost. She didn't run away. We lie still getting accustomed to this new feeling. I feel her warm body beside me getting comfortable and cozy. "Ana, I got my birthday present today. It's you Ana" She puts her hand over mine and gives it a gentle squeeze.
Under the starry sky, were two people holding each other with a silent promise to drive away the ghosts of yesteryears.